And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Gal 6:9
A few weeks ago while sharing in my Sunday School class I said that if you had told me one year ago what I would be experiencing today in terms of fostering a baby with a complicated case I would have said, no way. I am absolutely not strong enough to go through that again. And it's true; I'm not. I feel like every day I have to rely on God's grace! If you had asked me on April 7th if I would like to go to the hospital the next day to pick up a newborn baby girl and then I would be part of a very complicated case, riding the emotional roller coaster, living from court hearing to court hearing, thinking about therapists, caseworkers, attorneys, Cherokee Nation, parent/child visitation, barely getting any sleep, I would have said I can't do that!!
But if I could rewind these past 8 months and say no thank you to this life I have today would I? No, not at all. I love Miss Baby B, now 8 months old and full of life, and I'm committed now to love, fight, pray.
I have days though where I am so weary in "doing good." Some days I feel like I sacrifice so much and wonder if it will be worth it in this life. Tonight my mom was reading aloud the verse which speaks of taking up your cross to follow Christ. Miss B is NOT a cross, she is pure joy, but sometimes the circumstances that surround her life feel like a heavy, heavy burden. If this is my cross right now though, I'll be grateful that my cross comes with a beautiful, cuddly baby girl!
I try to be a positive person, and I feel like even in the bad days one can always find something to be grateful for. I really try to live by that and in fostering, even after the worst court hearings, I have looked for the one thing that I can thank God for. There is always something.
But I just had one of those days where things were so overwhelming and life felt so serious that I just wanted to quit. I thought WHY am I cloistering away spending time in prayer and fasting over a child that is not my own and missing out on ____________?? (that blank could be filled with many things.) I am tired, tired of being responsible, of caring, of putting my heart on the line. The rest of the world is having fun doing a million different things and I feel like a nun! I was working myself into a real pity party.
And then I looked into B's sweet face, so full of trust and I thought yes, I can press on one day at a time for this one. God gave me this one to love and there is probably no one else in the world who cares for her as much as we do. When God brought Daniel in 2007, I gave him my all, and he continues to take a lot of prayer, energy, and love!
There is a time and season for everything and I guess this season includes juggling life with much prayer and advocating for a helpless baby. And it's all good.
God's grace is sufficient for each day. Another big court hearing is coming up in one week and if it means continued fasting, nightly prayer, and multiple appointments then this is what God has put in my hands for right now and He'll give the strength to keep pressing on.
When you think of it please pray for us and baby girl as we approach a December 16th court hearing. 15 minutes in a court room can completely turn a life around for better or worse. My trust is in God and He has not failed to come through.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
It takes a village....
I had one day this past week where I woke up and thought, why am I fostering?
Understand, it has nothing to do with the baby. Everyone in our house
loves her, enjoys her and we would do anything for her. As I told someone today though, if I were ever encouraging someone to get involved in fostering I would not hide from them the fact that it is hard and dealing with the child welfare system can be very frustrating!
In recent years there have been more support groups forming for foster families. These groups serve a huge purpose because fellow foster families can lend understanding, knowledge, advice, and when you need to "vent" no one gets it like another foster parent. When I started fostering in 2006 this amount of support from fellow foster families did not exist, and neither did the partnerships between churches and DHS.
However, I feel like there is still room for more support for foster parents. Last weekend I was grateful to have the opportunity to share about fostering and adoption at my church's ladies' retreat. As I was thinking of what I wanted to talk about, I realized that not everyone is called to take in a child, but there are so many ways to still be involved.
I really believe that when it comes to the abused and neglected children in our community, it truly takes a village. A speaker I heard recently said that for every one family that is recruited to take in a child or children, there need to be about five or six families supporting them or they will not last. I truly believe it.
Because of the stress involved in Baby B's "case" I keep thinking that after things are resolved I will take a break from active fostering. But I still want to be involved, and not only would I love to be able to encourage more people to open their homes because the need is great, but I would also love to work on gathering more support for foster families from those who may not be in a position to open their home but still have a heart for that cause. When I shared at the ladies' retreat, I mentioned some of the following ways that people can offer support. We have had people do all of these at various times and it has been such a blessing when people have come alongside to be a part of loving a child!
***Bring a meal--getting a new child--or "placement"--is a pretty big deal. Often there is not a lot of notice and it pretty much turns the house upside down to integrate a new person! With Daniel we got about 5 hours notice before the CW brought him. Then this past year we had about 2 hours notice for Little N, and about 2 hours notice to pick up Baby B from the hospital. Suddenly there is a new person with new needs and sometimes a foster family has to scramble to find clothes and equipment. The first few weeks that Baby B was here I was exhausted. We had just brought a newborn home from the hospital but without the months to prepare. I still had to work (foster parents don't get maternity leave!) and keep up a normal schedule. Things got pretty crazy. But I was SO GRATEFUL for friends who offered to bring over dinner. It was one less thing to think about.
***Offer to babysit--Daniel's case required many, many court hearings. During some of the more intense times we had several in one month; it can get expensive to always be hiring sitters. Several different friends offered to come over and stay with him and it was a blessing to know that he was in good hands. I had other friends who told me that if I ever just needed time out or to do some errands or get a haircut that they would be happy to care for him.
***Ask how things are going--foster parents have to respect confidentiality, but I am still grateful when people ask me how things are. It lets me know they care and gives me opportunity to ask for prayer which leads to the following....
***Ask how you can pray--more than babysitting, food, or baby clothes, prayer is the thing that means the most to me. Foster parents often love the children like their own, and it is vitally important to us that things turn out well for them. I know that happens through prayer, and when people ask how they can pray or they let me know that they prayed for the last court date or meeting I am so grateful. Or when they do pray and then follow up to ask how things went it means alot.
***Be another caring adult in the child's life. Whether it's little ones or teenagers, children in foster care need love. When we did respite for teens I appreciated the adults in our lives who showed kindness to them. One family who invited us to their home one evening with one of our teenage girls, responded with such grace when she stole a cell phone from their house! It turned out to be a time of healing and growth for that young lady. I am grateful for the families who now surround Daniel with love. I am grateful for my single friends who are happy to include him and talk with him. I am grateful for various men who have affirmed him as a boy and shown him "manly" things. People are often surprised that DHS allows single women to foster and adopt. I am not a feminist and I don't pretend that it is ideal for a child to be in a single parent home. It's not. But more and more single women are becoming foster and adoptive parents. As I told someone recently, if we waited for only two parent "ideal" homes, there would be a lot more children in the shelter! And as more single women are fostering or adopting, there is a need for male influence in the lives of boys that may be in a single parent home. My knowledge of tools, football, cars, and other guy things only goes so far and when I look down the road to Daniel's teenage years I already know that in addition to needing God, he is going to continue to need good male role-models and mentors in his life or it's going to be hard for him to make it.
And then there are many other ways that different people have been a blessing, from doing house repairs, to including Daniel in their family's activities, doing yardwork, or writing a sweet note of encouragement. I keep one such note on my dresser in which part of it reads "I love...watching God work through your heart and open hands. Keep persevering!"
These are some specific ways I thought of to support foster/adoptive families. But I also mentioned volunteering at the shelter in my city as well as volunteering as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate)
Of course not everyone is called to be involved in fostering. It is something I am passionate about and I hope that I can inspire those who may share my passion to be involved. Whether it's making a difference in the lives of children in foster care or some other completely different mission, I hope I can encourage others to make a difference in their world.
In recent years there have been more support groups forming for foster families. These groups serve a huge purpose because fellow foster families can lend understanding, knowledge, advice, and when you need to "vent" no one gets it like another foster parent. When I started fostering in 2006 this amount of support from fellow foster families did not exist, and neither did the partnerships between churches and DHS.
However, I feel like there is still room for more support for foster parents. Last weekend I was grateful to have the opportunity to share about fostering and adoption at my church's ladies' retreat. As I was thinking of what I wanted to talk about, I realized that not everyone is called to take in a child, but there are so many ways to still be involved.
I really believe that when it comes to the abused and neglected children in our community, it truly takes a village. A speaker I heard recently said that for every one family that is recruited to take in a child or children, there need to be about five or six families supporting them or they will not last. I truly believe it.
Because of the stress involved in Baby B's "case" I keep thinking that after things are resolved I will take a break from active fostering. But I still want to be involved, and not only would I love to be able to encourage more people to open their homes because the need is great, but I would also love to work on gathering more support for foster families from those who may not be in a position to open their home but still have a heart for that cause. When I shared at the ladies' retreat, I mentioned some of the following ways that people can offer support. We have had people do all of these at various times and it has been such a blessing when people have come alongside to be a part of loving a child!
***Bring a meal--getting a new child--or "placement"--is a pretty big deal. Often there is not a lot of notice and it pretty much turns the house upside down to integrate a new person! With Daniel we got about 5 hours notice before the CW brought him. Then this past year we had about 2 hours notice for Little N, and about 2 hours notice to pick up Baby B from the hospital. Suddenly there is a new person with new needs and sometimes a foster family has to scramble to find clothes and equipment. The first few weeks that Baby B was here I was exhausted. We had just brought a newborn home from the hospital but without the months to prepare. I still had to work (foster parents don't get maternity leave!) and keep up a normal schedule. Things got pretty crazy. But I was SO GRATEFUL for friends who offered to bring over dinner. It was one less thing to think about.
***Offer to babysit--Daniel's case required many, many court hearings. During some of the more intense times we had several in one month; it can get expensive to always be hiring sitters. Several different friends offered to come over and stay with him and it was a blessing to know that he was in good hands. I had other friends who told me that if I ever just needed time out or to do some errands or get a haircut that they would be happy to care for him.
***Ask how things are going--foster parents have to respect confidentiality, but I am still grateful when people ask me how things are. It lets me know they care and gives me opportunity to ask for prayer which leads to the following....
***Ask how you can pray--more than babysitting, food, or baby clothes, prayer is the thing that means the most to me. Foster parents often love the children like their own, and it is vitally important to us that things turn out well for them. I know that happens through prayer, and when people ask how they can pray or they let me know that they prayed for the last court date or meeting I am so grateful. Or when they do pray and then follow up to ask how things went it means alot.
***Be another caring adult in the child's life. Whether it's little ones or teenagers, children in foster care need love. When we did respite for teens I appreciated the adults in our lives who showed kindness to them. One family who invited us to their home one evening with one of our teenage girls, responded with such grace when she stole a cell phone from their house! It turned out to be a time of healing and growth for that young lady. I am grateful for the families who now surround Daniel with love. I am grateful for my single friends who are happy to include him and talk with him. I am grateful for various men who have affirmed him as a boy and shown him "manly" things. People are often surprised that DHS allows single women to foster and adopt. I am not a feminist and I don't pretend that it is ideal for a child to be in a single parent home. It's not. But more and more single women are becoming foster and adoptive parents. As I told someone recently, if we waited for only two parent "ideal" homes, there would be a lot more children in the shelter! And as more single women are fostering or adopting, there is a need for male influence in the lives of boys that may be in a single parent home. My knowledge of tools, football, cars, and other guy things only goes so far and when I look down the road to Daniel's teenage years I already know that in addition to needing God, he is going to continue to need good male role-models and mentors in his life or it's going to be hard for him to make it.
And then there are many other ways that different people have been a blessing, from doing house repairs, to including Daniel in their family's activities, doing yardwork, or writing a sweet note of encouragement. I keep one such note on my dresser in which part of it reads "I love...watching God work through your heart and open hands. Keep persevering!"
These are some specific ways I thought of to support foster/adoptive families. But I also mentioned volunteering at the shelter in my city as well as volunteering as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate)
Of course not everyone is called to be involved in fostering. It is something I am passionate about and I hope that I can inspire those who may share my passion to be involved. Whether it's making a difference in the lives of children in foster care or some other completely different mission, I hope I can encourage others to make a difference in their world.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Just recently I was reminded of something that happened when I was a young teen. At the time I was an aspiring entertainer/musician. I was very much into music as a fiddler, pianist, and singer and had big ambitions to be on stage, practicing constantly and taking every opportunity I could find to perform.
I was at a small church service with my mom when, at the end, I was called out for prayer. Call it a "prophecy", "word of knowledge" or prayer....but the man who was praying for me said that he believed that God was calling me into "messy" places and that God would use my hands to bring healing. Well I was totally not interested in going into "messy" places and as far as I was concerned my hands were being used to play music and that was what I lived for.
Fast forward 15 years and these days I feel like I am dealing with "messy." God has done so much to change me from the selfish teenager who lived to be on stage and thrived on the attention, to someone who is willing to live for something bigger than myself. God's grace. God placed a passion in my heart for working in the child welfare/foster system. (How do I know it's a passion? because if I get started talking about it I won't shut up. I'm sure there are those who wish I would!)
Some days I think "why me?!" but it's a call I cannot escape and most days I am so grateful for the blessing of loving little lives. There are times though that the burden is so heavy and the messiness is almost more than I want to deal with. It is a broken system, attempting to fix hurting people and often the system fails those that it tries to help.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to love a baby without having to wonder how long it is going to last. Will loving babies always be accompanied fear and uncertainty? Maybe I will not foster in the years to come, but I know my heart will always be there and I will always be involved in some form.
In the midst of a messy situation now, I have found that God has worked a greater work of love and compassion in my heart. I can be so heavy on the side of "justice," unable to see that behind a biological parent who has failed their child, is a person who is also hurting and lost. It doesn't mean that I think that every biological parent should be able to parent when they are unable to provide the stability that their child needs. But it does mean that I think they deserve love and to be respected as a fellow human. My sin may not be the same as their sin, but I have sinned as well.
With my current baby, much to my surprise I have found myself shedding tears on her parents' behalf. I hate the sin the ripped the family apart and continues to bring strife and ugliness. I hate the fact that the baby girl feels so safe and looks at me with such happiness, trust, and peace and everything in me wants to protect her from anything that would shatter her peace. Did her parents fail her? yes. Can they provide a safe and stable home in the future? I don't know. But somehow I feel compassion for the fact that this probably wasn't the life they envisioned for themselves or their children. Yet they suffer the consequences of sin. It's sad.
I don't know what the future holds. Today I am rejoicing that God's hand of protection continues to be on the baby. Today I look at how far Daniel has come and I rejoice that his future is good. Being a single parent of one was hard; mothering two is exhausting. I'm overwhelmed much of the time and never seem to find the end of my to-do list! But in the midst of tiredness, mess, and uncertainty I am finding that the joy of the Lord is truly my strength. It's funny how one can somehow find joy even in the mess.
I was at a small church service with my mom when, at the end, I was called out for prayer. Call it a "prophecy", "word of knowledge" or prayer....but the man who was praying for me said that he believed that God was calling me into "messy" places and that God would use my hands to bring healing. Well I was totally not interested in going into "messy" places and as far as I was concerned my hands were being used to play music and that was what I lived for.
Fast forward 15 years and these days I feel like I am dealing with "messy." God has done so much to change me from the selfish teenager who lived to be on stage and thrived on the attention, to someone who is willing to live for something bigger than myself. God's grace. God placed a passion in my heart for working in the child welfare/foster system. (How do I know it's a passion? because if I get started talking about it I won't shut up. I'm sure there are those who wish I would!)
Some days I think "why me?!" but it's a call I cannot escape and most days I am so grateful for the blessing of loving little lives. There are times though that the burden is so heavy and the messiness is almost more than I want to deal with. It is a broken system, attempting to fix hurting people and often the system fails those that it tries to help.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to love a baby without having to wonder how long it is going to last. Will loving babies always be accompanied fear and uncertainty? Maybe I will not foster in the years to come, but I know my heart will always be there and I will always be involved in some form.
In the midst of a messy situation now, I have found that God has worked a greater work of love and compassion in my heart. I can be so heavy on the side of "justice," unable to see that behind a biological parent who has failed their child, is a person who is also hurting and lost. It doesn't mean that I think that every biological parent should be able to parent when they are unable to provide the stability that their child needs. But it does mean that I think they deserve love and to be respected as a fellow human. My sin may not be the same as their sin, but I have sinned as well.
With my current baby, much to my surprise I have found myself shedding tears on her parents' behalf. I hate the sin the ripped the family apart and continues to bring strife and ugliness. I hate the fact that the baby girl feels so safe and looks at me with such happiness, trust, and peace and everything in me wants to protect her from anything that would shatter her peace. Did her parents fail her? yes. Can they provide a safe and stable home in the future? I don't know. But somehow I feel compassion for the fact that this probably wasn't the life they envisioned for themselves or their children. Yet they suffer the consequences of sin. It's sad.
I don't know what the future holds. Today I am rejoicing that God's hand of protection continues to be on the baby. Today I look at how far Daniel has come and I rejoice that his future is good. Being a single parent of one was hard; mothering two is exhausting. I'm overwhelmed much of the time and never seem to find the end of my to-do list! But in the midst of tiredness, mess, and uncertainty I am finding that the joy of the Lord is truly my strength. It's funny how one can somehow find joy even in the mess.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
It has been a long week. And I feel like I am looking ahead to many long weeks and wondering how I got here. I have no regrets but possibly a little panic. It feels like I have been here before in an impossible situation and constantly battling fearful thoughts and anxiety. I do not feel strong at all. I wish that I could see the future because blind faith is not one of my strengths, and I pretty much hate every exercise in blind faith!
After I adopted Daniel I said I would never, never foster again. Adopt maybe, but never, ever, EVER foster. Then eventually I softened and said ok maybe someday waaayyyy down the road I would consider it. and then somehow last year God completely changed my heart. I don't even know how or when it happened, I just knew I was ready again. Or at least I thought I was!
Little baby girl, Miss B, has been here almost 5 months now, and the familiar anxieties and fears, everything I experienced during Daniel's "case" are coming back...even working with some of the same people! I kind of thought this time around I would get a child with an easy case...is there ever anything easy with DHS? apparently not. And by easy I only mean that either it would go one way or the other, there would be safety and progress or not, reunification looked likely and good, or not. But no, I guess God thought if one messy case was good then two would be even better. ::sigh::
When even the caseworkers say it's going to be long and messy then you know you're not imagining things. When everyone says it's complicated and they can't even fathom a good, workable outcome that everyone feels good about....then what? I'm trying not to freak out.
And I think really? I thought I would adopt Daniel and go back to my happy, predictable life and just go back to "normal"....but here I am. I love the baby and I am committed to see this through but sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and all the mess would just go away. Far, far away. Is this going to be another two years of my life? If they move too fast everyone knows it would put the children's safety in jeopardy. But drag it out and it's a high stress waiting game.
I love my daily life, really....but I also daily need grace, peace, faith, hope, trust....
After I adopted Daniel I said I would never, never foster again. Adopt maybe, but never, ever, EVER foster. Then eventually I softened and said ok maybe someday waaayyyy down the road I would consider it. and then somehow last year God completely changed my heart. I don't even know how or when it happened, I just knew I was ready again. Or at least I thought I was!
Little baby girl, Miss B, has been here almost 5 months now, and the familiar anxieties and fears, everything I experienced during Daniel's "case" are coming back...even working with some of the same people! I kind of thought this time around I would get a child with an easy case...is there ever anything easy with DHS? apparently not. And by easy I only mean that either it would go one way or the other, there would be safety and progress or not, reunification looked likely and good, or not. But no, I guess God thought if one messy case was good then two would be even better. ::sigh::
When even the caseworkers say it's going to be long and messy then you know you're not imagining things. When everyone says it's complicated and they can't even fathom a good, workable outcome that everyone feels good about....then what? I'm trying not to freak out.
And I think really? I thought I would adopt Daniel and go back to my happy, predictable life and just go back to "normal"....but here I am. I love the baby and I am committed to see this through but sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and all the mess would just go away. Far, far away. Is this going to be another two years of my life? If they move too fast everyone knows it would put the children's safety in jeopardy. But drag it out and it's a high stress waiting game.
I love my daily life, really....but I also daily need grace, peace, faith, hope, trust....
Saturday, July 6, 2013
my history
With Baby B's placement in our home and the fact that she is Native American, I have started paying more attention to ICWA (Indian Child Welfare Act) and my own Native American heritage.
My parents married in Arizona and that is where I was born. My dad was full-blood Hualapai and lived on the reservation. Though he tried to get sober and live as a Christian, he went back to drinking and being abusive and my parents divorced when I was 2.
While thinking about ICWA and the push to keep Native children in Native homes, I started wondering what my life would have been like had my parents stayed married and had I grown up on the reservation. So I started reading online about what is happening in my tribe...and I looked up some of my relatives on Facebook. I have relatives that I have never met (or maybe I did when I was very little but I don't remember) and I have an aunt by marriage and one cousin that I met several years ago on a trip to Arizona. On that trip I also saw the graves of two uncles. At the time my dad was still alive but no one knew exactly where he was. To my knowledge he was on and off the streets. Now his grave joins their graves which are nothing more than plots of dirt that are decorated with items. Most people are too poor to afford fancy burials.
The reservation continues to be oppressed with drugs, alcohol, suicide, poverty, and fractured families. The tribe is small and although they have tried to bring in revenue through tourism, their most recent business venture--the Skywalk which looks out over the Grand Canyon--has become a source of legal problems.
And then I looked up my dad online. I knew that he died in 2010 but I just wanted to see what I could find. His obituary was brief...just a couple of sentences stating that he was born and he died. It seemed so sad to me. What a waste of a life due to addictions. I found his prison record and it didn't look too much different from records of children who end up in DHS custody. Perhaps that is why I have a heart for children in foster care. My dad was in foster care and if things had been slightly different in my life--if my mom wasn't the amazing woman she is--I could have landed in foster care as well.
My family helps with an outreach downtown with poor/homeless and often there are Indian people there. I think about my dad frequently since I know he benefited from downtown "missions"...they usually ask me if I'm "Native" and what tribe.
I looked at his death record online and thought about writing something in the online memorial, but what to say....I wish things could have been different, I wish you could have been a stable father, I'm sorry for how your life turned out...I don't know.
It's so crazy...in a way, it seems that by my own involvement in fostering that I am looking at parts of my past, maybe coming to terms with things, gaining a better understanding of people and life.
I'm grateful for the life I have been given when it could have been so different. There are things I would change if I could but sometimes I think we are handed circumstances in life and it is what shapes us and it is what motivates us to fulfill the purpose God has.
Just my musings for the night.
My parents married in Arizona and that is where I was born. My dad was full-blood Hualapai and lived on the reservation. Though he tried to get sober and live as a Christian, he went back to drinking and being abusive and my parents divorced when I was 2.
While thinking about ICWA and the push to keep Native children in Native homes, I started wondering what my life would have been like had my parents stayed married and had I grown up on the reservation. So I started reading online about what is happening in my tribe...and I looked up some of my relatives on Facebook. I have relatives that I have never met (or maybe I did when I was very little but I don't remember) and I have an aunt by marriage and one cousin that I met several years ago on a trip to Arizona. On that trip I also saw the graves of two uncles. At the time my dad was still alive but no one knew exactly where he was. To my knowledge he was on and off the streets. Now his grave joins their graves which are nothing more than plots of dirt that are decorated with items. Most people are too poor to afford fancy burials.
The reservation continues to be oppressed with drugs, alcohol, suicide, poverty, and fractured families. The tribe is small and although they have tried to bring in revenue through tourism, their most recent business venture--the Skywalk which looks out over the Grand Canyon--has become a source of legal problems.
And then I looked up my dad online. I knew that he died in 2010 but I just wanted to see what I could find. His obituary was brief...just a couple of sentences stating that he was born and he died. It seemed so sad to me. What a waste of a life due to addictions. I found his prison record and it didn't look too much different from records of children who end up in DHS custody. Perhaps that is why I have a heart for children in foster care. My dad was in foster care and if things had been slightly different in my life--if my mom wasn't the amazing woman she is--I could have landed in foster care as well.
My family helps with an outreach downtown with poor/homeless and often there are Indian people there. I think about my dad frequently since I know he benefited from downtown "missions"...they usually ask me if I'm "Native" and what tribe.
I looked at his death record online and thought about writing something in the online memorial, but what to say....I wish things could have been different, I wish you could have been a stable father, I'm sorry for how your life turned out...I don't know.
It's so crazy...in a way, it seems that by my own involvement in fostering that I am looking at parts of my past, maybe coming to terms with things, gaining a better understanding of people and life.
I'm grateful for the life I have been given when it could have been so different. There are things I would change if I could but sometimes I think we are handed circumstances in life and it is what shapes us and it is what motivates us to fulfill the purpose God has.
Just my musings for the night.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
sweet baby girl
My mom took Daniel this afternoon to do errands, so with fewer feet in the house I thought I would take the opportunity to sweep, mop, and vacuum all the floors. I laid 3 month old Baby B on a blanket so she could have some floor time to kick and practice being on her side instead of her back.
I put on a playlist and when the song "Holy" by David Crowder came on, I put my mop down and went over to Baby B to move her arms and legs to the music and sing with her. She is so relational now at 3 months and has a smile that lights up the room. As I sang and played with her she began laughing and her eyes sparkled...and my eyes completely filled with tears and all I could do was pray...
Sweet baby girl, so full of life and looking at me with such trusting eyes....you have no idea the chaos that you were born into. How I wish for your sake that you had been born into a peaceful situation, that you would have had parents who were eagerly anticipating your birth, making a special nursery for you.....that your family could have been there to surround you with love when you were born. Instead you had to be taken away from your biological mother that carried you and nursed you those first few days of life, and you were sent away with strangers.
We love you so much and I wish with all my heart that I could protect you from further pain or confusion. I wish that it was in my power to make the very, very best decisions for your life.
But all I can do right now is love you....and our family can give you security and unconditional love while we wait to see what will happen in your life.
Sweet Baby B, I love you and want the very best for you. And right now I'm happy that you're happy....
So many prayers were poured out on Daniel's behalf. His life is a miracle. And the same God is present in Baby B's life. I can't predict the future and I can't control others' decisions. But today I can love and pray. And believe that God has her future in His hands.
I put on a playlist and when the song "Holy" by David Crowder came on, I put my mop down and went over to Baby B to move her arms and legs to the music and sing with her. She is so relational now at 3 months and has a smile that lights up the room. As I sang and played with her she began laughing and her eyes sparkled...and my eyes completely filled with tears and all I could do was pray...
Sweet baby girl, so full of life and looking at me with such trusting eyes....you have no idea the chaos that you were born into. How I wish for your sake that you had been born into a peaceful situation, that you would have had parents who were eagerly anticipating your birth, making a special nursery for you.....that your family could have been there to surround you with love when you were born. Instead you had to be taken away from your biological mother that carried you and nursed you those first few days of life, and you were sent away with strangers.
We love you so much and I wish with all my heart that I could protect you from further pain or confusion. I wish that it was in my power to make the very, very best decisions for your life.
But all I can do right now is love you....and our family can give you security and unconditional love while we wait to see what will happen in your life.
Sweet Baby B, I love you and want the very best for you. And right now I'm happy that you're happy....
So many prayers were poured out on Daniel's behalf. His life is a miracle. And the same God is present in Baby B's life. I can't predict the future and I can't control others' decisions. But today I can love and pray. And believe that God has her future in His hands.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
cherishing the moments
The days have been full in our home! This past week was my week off from teaching and it seemed way more busy than when I am teaching! Having a 2.5 month old in the house has definitely made life more busy but it has been so much fun. I love babies and we are all enamored with her. Even Daniel finds great delight in getting her to smile (and even better, laugh!) at him. When he can accomplish that, he gets a big grin and says, "she smiled at me...at ME!!"
It has been amazing to watch her grow and change from a teeny newborn to an almost 11 pound healthy girl with a personality. She smiles, laughs, coos, and loves to "converse" and have us sing to her. I think God did something amazing when he created babies. They are such a sweet miracle.
I'm realizing more too that the older she is getting, she is becoming more and more of a little person and now that she is making eye contact and deliberate smiles it is going to be incredibly hard to say good-bye to her. As a four day old, we loved her and I loved getting up with her at night, but she was just a little "being" that had no real emotional connection yet. But now, I can say with certainty that her leaving will definitely tear my heart. There...I said it. Of course if/when the time comes that the court decides that her parent(s) are ready to provide a safe, stable home then I will not stand in the way of reunification and I, of course, want what's best for everyone; so if that means supporting and helping with reunification then I will do my best. When DHS called about a newborn in the hospital little did I know how she would endear herself to us so quickly.
Sometimes I am afraid of future pain....but I keep telling myself that loving always comes with risk. When I look back on our 3 weeks with Little N, my regret is not that I loved him and had to let him go to what turned out to be sad circumstances. My regret is that I didn't love him more. I loved him, but a part of me held back because I was afraid of getting "too attached." If I could go back I would love more deeply and rock him each night when he woke up crying. I have been thinking that it's almost like when a friend or loved one dies....no one says that they wish they had loved less so that the pain would be less. Most people wish that they had loved more and cherished every moment with that person.
So we are cherishing every moment with Baby B and praying for the very best outcome.
Friday, May 24, 2013
thinking about fostering continued....
For some reason my thoughts kept on going after I published my last post.....
Especially with a newborn, people almost always ask "are you hoping to adopt her?" I guess because frequently people do want to adopt newborns/infants and also there is a bonding that happens with an infant. I never know quite how to respond, because I am a foster parent. I have adopted, and I am not opposed to adopting again, but at the moment I am not adopting. I am fostering.
Recently when a woman asked me that and I hesitated as I tried to think of the right answer to that question, she answered for me, "you are doing this as unto the Lord." And I said yes. I could think of no better way to explain it. Then she furthered answered, "but your arms are open for as long as she needs them." And I said yes.
My feeling is that I am here to love the baby as I would my own. But for the time being, the court's plan is to work for reunification. Every parent has the right to parent their own child if they can provide a safe home. In the event that that goal is not met, then it is the time to think further. But now is definitely not that time.
I explained in my earlier posting what the ideal is when working towards reunification. But I think that even if a case moves to an adoption plan instead, it is still best for everyone if there is an amicable, respectful relationship between the biological parent and the foster/adoptive parent. More than just amicable, I've seen that it works best when it is clear that all parties want the best for the child and it is not a tug of war over the child.
I do not think that Daniel should have gone back to his natural parents. Experts, professionals, and the jury all came to that same conclusion that it was in Daniel's best interest to not be returned to their care. However I do sometimes wish that things that happened during those two years could have been different. His parents have moved forward with their lives and I hope that things go well for them. I still dream about his biological mother every so often though, and I sometimes wonder whether I will ever see her again.
Learning from that experience, I guess that's why I hope that whatever the outcome of this current situation, that I will be able to walk in love and that we can all work for the best interest of the baby. The story is in God's hands; I just hope I can do my part well.
Especially with a newborn, people almost always ask "are you hoping to adopt her?" I guess because frequently people do want to adopt newborns/infants and also there is a bonding that happens with an infant. I never know quite how to respond, because I am a foster parent. I have adopted, and I am not opposed to adopting again, but at the moment I am not adopting. I am fostering.
Recently when a woman asked me that and I hesitated as I tried to think of the right answer to that question, she answered for me, "you are doing this as unto the Lord." And I said yes. I could think of no better way to explain it. Then she furthered answered, "but your arms are open for as long as she needs them." And I said yes.
My feeling is that I am here to love the baby as I would my own. But for the time being, the court's plan is to work for reunification. Every parent has the right to parent their own child if they can provide a safe home. In the event that that goal is not met, then it is the time to think further. But now is definitely not that time.
I explained in my earlier posting what the ideal is when working towards reunification. But I think that even if a case moves to an adoption plan instead, it is still best for everyone if there is an amicable, respectful relationship between the biological parent and the foster/adoptive parent. More than just amicable, I've seen that it works best when it is clear that all parties want the best for the child and it is not a tug of war over the child.
I do not think that Daniel should have gone back to his natural parents. Experts, professionals, and the jury all came to that same conclusion that it was in Daniel's best interest to not be returned to their care. However I do sometimes wish that things that happened during those two years could have been different. His parents have moved forward with their lives and I hope that things go well for them. I still dream about his biological mother every so often though, and I sometimes wonder whether I will ever see her again.
Learning from that experience, I guess that's why I hope that whatever the outcome of this current situation, that I will be able to walk in love and that we can all work for the best interest of the baby. The story is in God's hands; I just hope I can do my part well.
thinking about fostering.
As a foster parent, I just have to get this off my chest..... I really don't like it when a person hears you have an infant and
they say "oh it's going to be so hard to give them up!" I haven't been quite
sure WHY it irritated me so much when people said something like that,
so I started to try to figure it out.
It's never another foster parent who makes a statement like that. They already know about saying good-bye and there's no reason to give that reminder. Every foster parent goes into fostering knowing that you are investing into a child wholeheartedly, but that the likely outcome is that the child will be returning to their natural parent(s). There is the chance that plan may change to adoption and that the foster parent may be the one chosen to adopt, but for as long as the case plan is reunification then the job of the foster parent is to love that child, give them a home, and work to support the goal of reunification to whatever extent you are able.
Is it hard to hold a precious baby and think that he/she will be leaving someday? Yes. Do I need that reminder from people who have never gone through it themselves? No. But a foster parent loves because there are children that need love and a home, for however long it may be.
I have actually never had an infant straight from the hospital, and the only infant I had for a long period of time was Daniel whom I ended up adopting. So in reality I have no idea how hard goodbye will be. I know that we loved Little N, a toddler, and still talk about him and miss him. But if and when reunification occurs, I know what my hope is.... my hope is that our family will have a good relationship with Baby B's mother. I hope that there will be plenty of time for our lives to overlap during the transitional period. I hope that we will have a trusting relationship with her so that there can be a continuing relationship and we can continue to be a support. Of course things may not go that way....I have no way to know at this point. The family situation currently is messy and complicated and sometimes I don't even know how to pray for a solution because it is beyond my wisdom. But when I think of what the ideal would be, then I feel that the statement "It will be so hard to say good-bye..." is just not that accurate. Hard? Yes, a child leaving would definitely leave a hole in the family. But the pain would be lessened I think when you are a part of healing, redemption, and love.
It's never another foster parent who makes a statement like that. They already know about saying good-bye and there's no reason to give that reminder. Every foster parent goes into fostering knowing that you are investing into a child wholeheartedly, but that the likely outcome is that the child will be returning to their natural parent(s). There is the chance that plan may change to adoption and that the foster parent may be the one chosen to adopt, but for as long as the case plan is reunification then the job of the foster parent is to love that child, give them a home, and work to support the goal of reunification to whatever extent you are able.
Is it hard to hold a precious baby and think that he/she will be leaving someday? Yes. Do I need that reminder from people who have never gone through it themselves? No. But a foster parent loves because there are children that need love and a home, for however long it may be.
I have actually never had an infant straight from the hospital, and the only infant I had for a long period of time was Daniel whom I ended up adopting. So in reality I have no idea how hard goodbye will be. I know that we loved Little N, a toddler, and still talk about him and miss him. But if and when reunification occurs, I know what my hope is.... my hope is that our family will have a good relationship with Baby B's mother. I hope that there will be plenty of time for our lives to overlap during the transitional period. I hope that we will have a trusting relationship with her so that there can be a continuing relationship and we can continue to be a support. Of course things may not go that way....I have no way to know at this point. The family situation currently is messy and complicated and sometimes I don't even know how to pray for a solution because it is beyond my wisdom. But when I think of what the ideal would be, then I feel that the statement "It will be so hard to say good-bye..." is just not that accurate. Hard? Yes, a child leaving would definitely leave a hole in the family. But the pain would be lessened I think when you are a part of healing, redemption, and love.
Monday, May 6, 2013
so this is real life.
Once upon a time I thought I would get married, have children, live in
the country, and have a garden. I would take in lots of foster children
and adopt. I would stroll leisurely around the garden with a baby in a
sling and live a serene life loving kids (babies-teens) and helping them
to heal. Ha!
So....real life....not married, a house in a neighborhood where I can barely keep up with the mowing, a garden that only got half planted and still needs to be thinned (at least the flowers are doing well though!), a six year old that has to be prodded to stay on task and do his chores, a baby who is just beginning to tolerate a sling without screaming and otherwise wants to be held constantly.... I'm not exactly serene most of the time, but at least I'm smiling...usually!
Maybe the house in the country, a flourishing garden, a guy that shares my passion in life, and more children will come someday, but in the mean time I'm enjoying today. Reality looks a lot more chaotic than my daydreams but it's all good.
So....real life....not married, a house in a neighborhood where I can barely keep up with the mowing, a garden that only got half planted and still needs to be thinned (at least the flowers are doing well though!), a six year old that has to be prodded to stay on task and do his chores, a baby who is just beginning to tolerate a sling without screaming and otherwise wants to be held constantly.... I'm not exactly serene most of the time, but at least I'm smiling...usually!
Maybe the house in the country, a flourishing garden, a guy that shares my passion in life, and more children will come someday, but in the mean time I'm enjoying today. Reality looks a lot more chaotic than my daydreams but it's all good.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
I don't know how mothers of several children keep a blog! Ever since Miss B came almost a month ago I spend my days just checking things off my list, and by the time 11:00 comes I have the choice to write or go to bed. Knowing that I will be awakened a few times through the night, I have been choosing to go to bed! And I'm still tired!
Miss B is the second infant that we have fostered. Daniel was the first and only! Miss B, however is the first newborn from the hospital and it has been a fun experience. It has been amazing to watch her grow, put on weight, and become more alert.
Everyone asks me how Daniel is doing with a baby in the house.... He is not all that interested in her. He thinks her funny faces are kinda neat and her clothes are unique, and other than that he pretty much ignores her. He has been amazingly patient though with sharing attention and with the days where she has been more fussy than content.
The big question I get when people learn that Miss B is in foster care is "how will you let her go? do you just try not to bond/get attached?" My honest answer is.... I don't know. Daniel was the only infant I've fostered and I didn't have to say good-bye. I thought about the issue of bonding and I realized that yes, I am attached. I can't speak for other foster parents, but I can't NOT get attached. Sure, it might be safer for my heart to stay detached but I love to love! As I sat with her in the middle of the night a couple of nights ago I realized that God designed that attachment for a purpose--it's the only way a parent could get up night after night to feed and attend to a helpless baby. I love to sleep and I am a heavy sleeper, so being interrupted every few hours is very unnatural except that I love the baby!
I take one day at a time, enjoying each day and trying not to think too far ahead to figure out what will happen. Everyone asks how long we will have her. We don't know. I don't try to guess those things because there are so many variables. With Daniel we were told he would go back to his parents within 6 months to a year, and now he's mine forever. We thought Little N would be with us for months while his mother worked a treatment plan, and it was less than three weeks. Miss B's case is a complicated one that I don't think will be resolved easily or quickly (but I could be wrong!)
Sometimes as I'm holding her and watching her sleep so peacefully I get tears....She's so innocent, so helpless. She doesn't know of the chaos and uncertainty that surrounds her life. She doesn't know that her future is contained in a file on a caseworker's desk and that a judge will be reviewing her case every few months to make decisions that could affect her whole life. That's the part of fostering that I don't like....that's the part that makes me think that maybe I can't keep doing this....I want to protect the little ones from anything that's harmful or from a future full of instability. I don't want to see a series of broken attachments or think of a child being moved from placement to placement. Those are the times when I wish I didn't care so much and could just have a tough heart.
At night when I'm feeding her, I pray. Because if I don't I sometimes worry. As hard as it would be, my preference if I'm fostering, is that a child goes back to their biological parent if that parent is willing and able to parent well (i.e. successfully completing a comprehensive treatment plan) I would find it very difficult to see a child moved if after several months a relative came from nowhere and wanted a child. Or in Miss B's case once I found out that she had Cherokee blood I started to worry that the tribe would want to move her to a Cherokee home. I am 1/2 Native American--not Cherokee--and I have known of other foster families who have had children removed suddenly because the tribe decides they should be in a Cherokee home. So I keep casting my worries on God.
But for today we are enjoying this little dark-haired doll baby :-) and now Daniel seems so big and even more boyish by contrast!! I just love God's beauty in creating babies and children!
Miss B is the second infant that we have fostered. Daniel was the first and only! Miss B, however is the first newborn from the hospital and it has been a fun experience. It has been amazing to watch her grow, put on weight, and become more alert.
Everyone asks me how Daniel is doing with a baby in the house.... He is not all that interested in her. He thinks her funny faces are kinda neat and her clothes are unique, and other than that he pretty much ignores her. He has been amazingly patient though with sharing attention and with the days where she has been more fussy than content.
The big question I get when people learn that Miss B is in foster care is "how will you let her go? do you just try not to bond/get attached?" My honest answer is.... I don't know. Daniel was the only infant I've fostered and I didn't have to say good-bye. I thought about the issue of bonding and I realized that yes, I am attached. I can't speak for other foster parents, but I can't NOT get attached. Sure, it might be safer for my heart to stay detached but I love to love! As I sat with her in the middle of the night a couple of nights ago I realized that God designed that attachment for a purpose--it's the only way a parent could get up night after night to feed and attend to a helpless baby. I love to sleep and I am a heavy sleeper, so being interrupted every few hours is very unnatural except that I love the baby!
I take one day at a time, enjoying each day and trying not to think too far ahead to figure out what will happen. Everyone asks how long we will have her. We don't know. I don't try to guess those things because there are so many variables. With Daniel we were told he would go back to his parents within 6 months to a year, and now he's mine forever. We thought Little N would be with us for months while his mother worked a treatment plan, and it was less than three weeks. Miss B's case is a complicated one that I don't think will be resolved easily or quickly (but I could be wrong!)
Sometimes as I'm holding her and watching her sleep so peacefully I get tears....She's so innocent, so helpless. She doesn't know of the chaos and uncertainty that surrounds her life. She doesn't know that her future is contained in a file on a caseworker's desk and that a judge will be reviewing her case every few months to make decisions that could affect her whole life. That's the part of fostering that I don't like....that's the part that makes me think that maybe I can't keep doing this....I want to protect the little ones from anything that's harmful or from a future full of instability. I don't want to see a series of broken attachments or think of a child being moved from placement to placement. Those are the times when I wish I didn't care so much and could just have a tough heart.
At night when I'm feeding her, I pray. Because if I don't I sometimes worry. As hard as it would be, my preference if I'm fostering, is that a child goes back to their biological parent if that parent is willing and able to parent well (i.e. successfully completing a comprehensive treatment plan) I would find it very difficult to see a child moved if after several months a relative came from nowhere and wanted a child. Or in Miss B's case once I found out that she had Cherokee blood I started to worry that the tribe would want to move her to a Cherokee home. I am 1/2 Native American--not Cherokee--and I have known of other foster families who have had children removed suddenly because the tribe decides they should be in a Cherokee home. So I keep casting my worries on God.
But for today we are enjoying this little dark-haired doll baby :-) and now Daniel seems so big and even more boyish by contrast!! I just love God's beauty in creating babies and children!
Friday, April 12, 2013
life is an adventure
It's been a busy few weeks and I determined that last Sunday, April 7, I would have a quiet restful day after church. I had nothing planned for the afternoon or evening and I just wanted to read or sleep or just be HOME!
Well when we got home from church a DHS worker who was on call for the weekend was trying to call. She wondered if we would be able to go to hospital that afternoon to pick up a newborn girl. I was neither expecting nor prepared for a newborn girl. We were a boy home with boy clothes and boy toys! We said yes and my mom, Daniel, and myself went to the hospital in the afternoon to meet the caseworker and get the baby.
The early part of the week was filled with adjusting to round the clock feedings...I love to sleep so this has been pretty crazy! But I have found that the times that I get up with her--usually once or twice, although it has been more on occasion--are delightful! Other than stumbling around in the dark trying to change diapers and mix formula, I really find it quite enjoyable. And God has given the grace so that I really don't feel too exhausted in the daytime! (It's a little hard to get up in the morning but thankfully my mom takes care of the early morning feedings!)
Daniel was initially intrigued by such a tiny being. He has been very gentle and for the most part patient with sharing our home with Baby B...although he finds the flood of pink in our home a little strange!
As we have been enjoying Baby B this week, I found out through the local news that our last foster baby (toddler) Little N was brought back into custody last week for physical abuse after being returned to his original home. After he was moved from our home, it was only a matter of a few weeks before the court returned him to his mother. Now she is charged with felony child abuse after he was found with more severe injuries than the first time. I was in tears as I read the news story. I don't understand why things happened the way they did. I don't understand the pain in the world. I hate what sin does to people, especially the most vulnerable.
I can't save the world, but for today anyway we can open our home and arms to a tiny one and trust God for the future.
Well when we got home from church a DHS worker who was on call for the weekend was trying to call. She wondered if we would be able to go to hospital that afternoon to pick up a newborn girl. I was neither expecting nor prepared for a newborn girl. We were a boy home with boy clothes and boy toys! We said yes and my mom, Daniel, and myself went to the hospital in the afternoon to meet the caseworker and get the baby.
The early part of the week was filled with adjusting to round the clock feedings...I love to sleep so this has been pretty crazy! But I have found that the times that I get up with her--usually once or twice, although it has been more on occasion--are delightful! Other than stumbling around in the dark trying to change diapers and mix formula, I really find it quite enjoyable. And God has given the grace so that I really don't feel too exhausted in the daytime! (It's a little hard to get up in the morning but thankfully my mom takes care of the early morning feedings!)
Daniel was initially intrigued by such a tiny being. He has been very gentle and for the most part patient with sharing our home with Baby B...although he finds the flood of pink in our home a little strange!
As we have been enjoying Baby B this week, I found out through the local news that our last foster baby (toddler) Little N was brought back into custody last week for physical abuse after being returned to his original home. After he was moved from our home, it was only a matter of a few weeks before the court returned him to his mother. Now she is charged with felony child abuse after he was found with more severe injuries than the first time. I was in tears as I read the news story. I don't understand why things happened the way they did. I don't understand the pain in the world. I hate what sin does to people, especially the most vulnerable.
I can't save the world, but for today anyway we can open our home and arms to a tiny one and trust God for the future.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
always reading...
I went to the Christian bookstore tonight to get my son his very first Bible, now that he is reading. Of course I had to browse the bargain book section and this book jumped out at me
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I started reading the book tonight and was in tears. Not tears of self-pity but just like wow, it feels like this woman is writing to me personally. I love having a boy. He is a delight. But I struggle with so many worries about how to raise him to be a man. I highly, highly recommend this book for any single mother raising a son or for anyone to read just to get a glimpse into what kinds of things single mothers of boys face. It is definitely a book full of hope.
And I love the picture on the front! It totally captures the essence of my life!
So now the stack next to my bed is growing...!
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I started reading the book tonight and was in tears. Not tears of self-pity but just like wow, it feels like this woman is writing to me personally. I love having a boy. He is a delight. But I struggle with so many worries about how to raise him to be a man. I highly, highly recommend this book for any single mother raising a son or for anyone to read just to get a glimpse into what kinds of things single mothers of boys face. It is definitely a book full of hope.
And I love the picture on the front! It totally captures the essence of my life!
So now the stack next to my bed is growing...!
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Wednesday, April 3, 2013
fiddling again
I decided to deactivate my personal Facebook page for a time....maybe a few days, maybe a few weeks. I have no set time in mind. So in this time without the temptation to check it just because I have time on my hands, I decided I would take the opportunity to catch up on reading the stack of books next to my bed, maybe do some blogging, do some personal inventory about where I'm at in life, and play music!
When I first start teaching fiddle lessons I used cassette tapes as a large part of my instructing. Since several of the tunes were taught either by ear or with tabs ("music" that just showed the finger numbers but without the rhythm) I would record myself playing the tune slowly and then up to speed to that my students could listen to it during the week and be able to learn the song. After a few years, most of my students no longer had cassette players and now, many of my younger students don't even know what a cassette tape is!
So one of my students suggested that I create a YouTube channel and upload videos of myself playing the tunes that I teach. I could direct my students to the particular song that they were supposed to be working on and they could hear me playing it the same way that I was teaching it.
Last night, in the absence of the time waster known as Facebook (!), I tried my first video. I still feel a little awkward in front of the webcam. Hopefully as I do more I will loosen up and maybe do more talking/instructing.
So here it is....the sound quality isn't the best and I am highly critical of every less than perfect note! if you have any suggestions for improvement, please let me know! (Click on Ashoken Farewell below...I haven't figured out how to actually put the video on this page! still learning!)
Ashoken Farewell
When I first start teaching fiddle lessons I used cassette tapes as a large part of my instructing. Since several of the tunes were taught either by ear or with tabs ("music" that just showed the finger numbers but without the rhythm) I would record myself playing the tune slowly and then up to speed to that my students could listen to it during the week and be able to learn the song. After a few years, most of my students no longer had cassette players and now, many of my younger students don't even know what a cassette tape is!
So one of my students suggested that I create a YouTube channel and upload videos of myself playing the tunes that I teach. I could direct my students to the particular song that they were supposed to be working on and they could hear me playing it the same way that I was teaching it.
Last night, in the absence of the time waster known as Facebook (!), I tried my first video. I still feel a little awkward in front of the webcam. Hopefully as I do more I will loosen up and maybe do more talking/instructing.
So here it is....the sound quality isn't the best and I am highly critical of every less than perfect note! if you have any suggestions for improvement, please let me know! (Click on Ashoken Farewell below...I haven't figured out how to actually put the video on this page! still learning!)
Ashoken Farewell
Monday, February 18, 2013
productive waiting
I think I have mentioned before that I'm not a fan of waiting. I can be patient to a point, but when it is in my power to do something, I want to do it. I set goals, I make lists, I go for what I've set my mind to do. And I take great pride in crossing things off my list!
But what about when God says to wait? What about when I COULD be making progress on my goals and He is seeming to say "wait." I don't like it. I want to be moving forward and accomplishing things. Sometimes it seems like the path between my initial idea/dream/goal and seeing it come to pass is SO long and slow.
Yesterday our DHS worker called about placing a child in our home. Because of a chaotic weekend and various issues that came up during the process of thinking about it we ended up saying no to this one. A part of me was so disappointed. I was ready to welcome another one as soon as Little N left, but I have to wait.
I will give credit to my mom for speaking words that prompted my thoughts in this waiting time....
I have dreams for the future that started several years ago. I journaled about it and I could practically see it! And often I wonder "why is it taking so long?" Why do so many days pass by where it seems like I'm not moving forward and it is just the same routine. Why, when I want to make a difference, does it feel like I am in the same place and not making much of a difference?
And the word that I have been reminding myself of today is "foundation." Build on a lousy, faulty foundation and everything will come crumbling down. But build on a firm, solid foundation and what is built will last. And I'm thinking that maybe in these days...months...even years (!) of waiting that there must be some work to do on the foundation. I get an idea and I'm ready to plunge in, rush ahead, make it happen....and then I have to backtrack and redo mistakes that I made.
So what is it that God is building here exactly? I wish I knew. I felt like He gave me vision years ago, and I've seen the beginning of some of it. But I feel that there must be more He needs to do in the foundation of my life. I can ignore it and push ahead when the waiting process seems painfully slow or I can allow Him to do the work He wants to do in me. I can make the most of each day and build a stronger foundation of prayer, the Word, and relationship with Him or I can bypass that in an effort to move things along. I can spend these days with Daniel laying a good foundation for his life, working through the hard things, being faithful to train, nurture, and pray for him, or I can ignore the issues that come up and deal with the consequences later.
God is apparently not into laying hasty foundations (at least in my life--much to my dismay!) So I pray for patience to work with Him and be willing to live life with His timing, trusting that the end result will be far more solid than if I pushed on with my will in my way.
But what about when God says to wait? What about when I COULD be making progress on my goals and He is seeming to say "wait." I don't like it. I want to be moving forward and accomplishing things. Sometimes it seems like the path between my initial idea/dream/goal and seeing it come to pass is SO long and slow.
Yesterday our DHS worker called about placing a child in our home. Because of a chaotic weekend and various issues that came up during the process of thinking about it we ended up saying no to this one. A part of me was so disappointed. I was ready to welcome another one as soon as Little N left, but I have to wait.
I will give credit to my mom for speaking words that prompted my thoughts in this waiting time....
I have dreams for the future that started several years ago. I journaled about it and I could practically see it! And often I wonder "why is it taking so long?" Why do so many days pass by where it seems like I'm not moving forward and it is just the same routine. Why, when I want to make a difference, does it feel like I am in the same place and not making much of a difference?
And the word that I have been reminding myself of today is "foundation." Build on a lousy, faulty foundation and everything will come crumbling down. But build on a firm, solid foundation and what is built will last. And I'm thinking that maybe in these days...months...even years (!) of waiting that there must be some work to do on the foundation. I get an idea and I'm ready to plunge in, rush ahead, make it happen....and then I have to backtrack and redo mistakes that I made.
So what is it that God is building here exactly? I wish I knew. I felt like He gave me vision years ago, and I've seen the beginning of some of it. But I feel that there must be more He needs to do in the foundation of my life. I can ignore it and push ahead when the waiting process seems painfully slow or I can allow Him to do the work He wants to do in me. I can make the most of each day and build a stronger foundation of prayer, the Word, and relationship with Him or I can bypass that in an effort to move things along. I can spend these days with Daniel laying a good foundation for his life, working through the hard things, being faithful to train, nurture, and pray for him, or I can ignore the issues that come up and deal with the consequences later.
God is apparently not into laying hasty foundations (at least in my life--much to my dismay!) So I pray for patience to work with Him and be willing to live life with His timing, trusting that the end result will be far more solid than if I pushed on with my will in my way.
Friday, February 15, 2013
february thoughts
Three weeks after he's been gone, our family still talks about Little N and misses him. Daniel frequently brings up something funny Little N did, or talks about what he liked and didn't like. We pray for him and hope that things go well in his life. And now we're open to DHS placing another one...even though a part of me finds it so frustrating to deal with the child welfare system when decisions are made that are not in the best interest of the child. But we do it for the children and hope for the best.
Yeah working with DHS can be maddening. I have heard horror stories from other foster parents,and I have been disappointed myself with poor decisions that have been made. But I have also met those who truly care and want to make good decisions, and I am grateful for the eventual outcome in Daniel's life.
Recently I was thinking back to one situation in Daniel's case. His case was getting so complicated and difficult that his permanency worker was needing assistance. She requested that a second caseworker be put on the case to help. I remember the day that the two caseworkers came to our house to do a home visit. I was a nervous wreck! This second worker was a tall, large woman with steely gray eyes that looked as if they could drill holes into you and see your innermost thoughts. She was scary. She spoke with authority and had a stern face. The visit went well, even though every time she stared at me I wanted to squirm!
A few weeks later we were at the DHS building for a parent visit. By this point I was thoroughly stressed and it was wearing me down. I don't remember the details of what was happening but I just know that I broke down in tears in the third floor lobby and felt completely helpless and hopeless. This intimidating, scary caseworker took me in her arms, hugged me and said, "I know it's hard. But everything is going to be ok." And I realized that underneath her stern demeanor was a woman who really had a heart. She was doing a job that is not easy, that was stressful, and where she had probably had dealt with a lot of ugly things.
The ugliness that is involved with the child welfare system is simply the result of sin. Flawed humans in a flawed system intervene in messy situations and try to do good. But frequently in an effort to do good there is also pain and harm. I saw over and over again in Daniel's situation where people tried to make good decisions or were obligated to follow standard procedures but someone was hurt in the process. The biological parents of these children bring a child into the world, a child who didn't ask to be born. Often the parent (or parents) have no idea how to parent or they are addicted and have their life in a mess. So the child is born and is neglected or abused. DHS intervenes...sometimes there is a good outcome, sometimes there is not. But the root of the original problem is this sinful, fallen world that we live in. And it makes me sad to see the result of sin and the chaos that it causes in the lives of children.
I love that more Christians are getting involved though. Even though child abuse and neglect is not going to completely go away as long as we are on this earth, I am so happy when God's people do what they can to bring God's love into broken families one child at a time. Sin is ugly, but God's love brings beauty and transformation.
Yeah working with DHS can be maddening. I have heard horror stories from other foster parents,and I have been disappointed myself with poor decisions that have been made. But I have also met those who truly care and want to make good decisions, and I am grateful for the eventual outcome in Daniel's life.
Recently I was thinking back to one situation in Daniel's case. His case was getting so complicated and difficult that his permanency worker was needing assistance. She requested that a second caseworker be put on the case to help. I remember the day that the two caseworkers came to our house to do a home visit. I was a nervous wreck! This second worker was a tall, large woman with steely gray eyes that looked as if they could drill holes into you and see your innermost thoughts. She was scary. She spoke with authority and had a stern face. The visit went well, even though every time she stared at me I wanted to squirm!
A few weeks later we were at the DHS building for a parent visit. By this point I was thoroughly stressed and it was wearing me down. I don't remember the details of what was happening but I just know that I broke down in tears in the third floor lobby and felt completely helpless and hopeless. This intimidating, scary caseworker took me in her arms, hugged me and said, "I know it's hard. But everything is going to be ok." And I realized that underneath her stern demeanor was a woman who really had a heart. She was doing a job that is not easy, that was stressful, and where she had probably had dealt with a lot of ugly things.
The ugliness that is involved with the child welfare system is simply the result of sin. Flawed humans in a flawed system intervene in messy situations and try to do good. But frequently in an effort to do good there is also pain and harm. I saw over and over again in Daniel's situation where people tried to make good decisions or were obligated to follow standard procedures but someone was hurt in the process. The biological parents of these children bring a child into the world, a child who didn't ask to be born. Often the parent (or parents) have no idea how to parent or they are addicted and have their life in a mess. So the child is born and is neglected or abused. DHS intervenes...sometimes there is a good outcome, sometimes there is not. But the root of the original problem is this sinful, fallen world that we live in. And it makes me sad to see the result of sin and the chaos that it causes in the lives of children.
I love that more Christians are getting involved though. Even though child abuse and neglect is not going to completely go away as long as we are on this earth, I am so happy when God's people do what they can to bring God's love into broken families one child at a time. Sin is ugly, but God's love brings beauty and transformation.
Monday, February 4, 2013
courage
I've had these thoughts going around in my head for at least a week now, and I've debated about whether even to post this...
Recently after church one of the older men pulled me aside and thanked me for being an example of sacrifice and courage, and encouraged me to keep going and keep trusting God. Those words blessed me and helped to give me courage at a time that I was feeling kind of...well....not courageous.
Then in the last few days as I've been talking to different people and they've asked about our most recent foster/DHS experience, again people have said to me things like "you're so brave....I could never do that....it takes a special kind of person....it takes such courage....etc." And while I say thank you, I wonder if I'm really courageous or just crazy!
The truth is that I'm not courageous. And I don't feel brave. People give such compliments--and I very much appreciate words of encouragement--but I don't feel any more courageous or amazing than anyone else I know. In fact I can think of alot of people who I would say are far more strong, amazing, courageous, sacrificial than I am!
There are many days I wake up and don't feel strong enough to face the day. And when I look too far ahead I don't feel courageous. I wonder how I'm going to do it. Like any other parent, I frequently feel like my parenting skills are less than wonderful! And like any other foster/adoptive parent I have struggled through times of trying to understand my child and know how to help him work through hard things.
And then like any single parent I wonder how I'm going to raise a boy for however long I do it alone. How will he learn to work on a car (since his passion is cars/trucks!), or fish (because I am too wimpy to take a fish off a hook), or hunt (maybe he'll lose interest in that one. Or maybe I can just learn to do it too)? How will he learn to use tools (I can use several different tools but I always forget the names and can't very well have him call them "thingys" like I do!) And what about shaving? or learning the "facts of life"? And then along with those thoughts I have all the wonderings about my own decisions for the future in regards to work, finances, and wise planning.
When I think those overwhelming thoughts too long I panic and say "God, please HELP!!" because I feel like I'm out on a limb trusting Him--or at least trying to because there's no one/nothing else to trust! And when I want to dwell on those worrisome thoughts I have to pull myself back to one day at a time. So, today everything is ok. God gives me the strength I need for today. And He provides what Daniel needs for today.
If other people see courage in me, then it must be God working in me. I can only do what He's called me to do because He gives me the strength....just like He gives strength to every person who is doing His will. In my own strength I feel so weak, and I hope that when people look at my life that they know that I am not amazing or courageous or strong by myself. It's all God. And I'm convinced that sometimes He calls us to do things that are so far out of our comfort zone so that we know that He's carrying us. In our weakness He can be strong. I take comfort in that.
Recently after church one of the older men pulled me aside and thanked me for being an example of sacrifice and courage, and encouraged me to keep going and keep trusting God. Those words blessed me and helped to give me courage at a time that I was feeling kind of...well....not courageous.
Then in the last few days as I've been talking to different people and they've asked about our most recent foster/DHS experience, again people have said to me things like "you're so brave....I could never do that....it takes a special kind of person....it takes such courage....etc." And while I say thank you, I wonder if I'm really courageous or just crazy!
The truth is that I'm not courageous. And I don't feel brave. People give such compliments--and I very much appreciate words of encouragement--but I don't feel any more courageous or amazing than anyone else I know. In fact I can think of alot of people who I would say are far more strong, amazing, courageous, sacrificial than I am!
There are many days I wake up and don't feel strong enough to face the day. And when I look too far ahead I don't feel courageous. I wonder how I'm going to do it. Like any other parent, I frequently feel like my parenting skills are less than wonderful! And like any other foster/adoptive parent I have struggled through times of trying to understand my child and know how to help him work through hard things.
And then like any single parent I wonder how I'm going to raise a boy for however long I do it alone. How will he learn to work on a car (since his passion is cars/trucks!), or fish (because I am too wimpy to take a fish off a hook), or hunt (maybe he'll lose interest in that one. Or maybe I can just learn to do it too)? How will he learn to use tools (I can use several different tools but I always forget the names and can't very well have him call them "thingys" like I do!) And what about shaving? or learning the "facts of life"? And then along with those thoughts I have all the wonderings about my own decisions for the future in regards to work, finances, and wise planning.
When I think those overwhelming thoughts too long I panic and say "God, please HELP!!" because I feel like I'm out on a limb trusting Him--or at least trying to because there's no one/nothing else to trust! And when I want to dwell on those worrisome thoughts I have to pull myself back to one day at a time. So, today everything is ok. God gives me the strength I need for today. And He provides what Daniel needs for today.
If other people see courage in me, then it must be God working in me. I can only do what He's called me to do because He gives me the strength....just like He gives strength to every person who is doing His will. In my own strength I feel so weak, and I hope that when people look at my life that they know that I am not amazing or courageous or strong by myself. It's all God. And I'm convinced that sometimes He calls us to do things that are so far out of our comfort zone so that we know that He's carrying us. In our weakness He can be strong. I take comfort in that.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
love and loss.
Little N was moved suddenly last night. It was so unexpected and fast. We got the call around 4:30PM in which a kinship worker said he was being moved to a "kinship" home and could we have him at the DHS building at 5:00 to pass him to the new family. My mom said no they could come to our house to get him and that would also give us time to collect and pack up his stuff.
I was too shocked to feel much until I went in the backyard to tell Daniel that someone was coming to get Little N. At that point I teared up. Daniel looked surprised and said "I don't want him to be moved. Let's hide him!"
It was sad to see him go. When the new foster mother picked him up to carry him out I could hardly look at his screaming, crying face and it brought flashbacks to when Daniel did that at parent visits. After he left the house seemed empty and quiet and then my emotions kicked in.
Ok, so I knew fostering would mean good-byes. And I had already determined that I would not get attached to the little guy. It wasn't so much that I was sad that he was gone (even though I was) but when we were told that the kinship placement was not a relative's home nor was it even a close friend it seemed as if policy had been violated and I was upset on Little N's behalf that he was experiencing one more move. I hate the fact that little ones are shuffled and have a series of disrupted attachments.
My hope was that Little N would be able to stay here until his mother was ready to be a responsible parent and that there could be a continuing relationship... the "Bridge Program" that DHS encourages. Just in the short time he was here, 2.5 weeks, we saw such positive changes in him; he was settling into a routine, starting to babble constantly, looking healthy.
Well, by this morning we found out additional info about the new home that at least gave peace of mind that he would be safe, loved, and well cared for. It didn't make it any easier to have him gone, but I don't have to worry about him.
After he left, I was so upset at the way things were handled I wondered whether it was worth it. It's hard to invest your time and heart only to have it end so abruptly with no time to process or prepare. I thought maybe next time if it is an older, more difficult child, at least maybe I'd be happy to see them go! In spite of my efforts to remain detached I could not stop from loving and caring for Little N. It just happens!
And when I thought it about it this morning, I realized that yes it was worth it. If could go back, knowing that it would end in such a frustrating and sudden way I would do it all over again. For 2.5 weeks we loved Little N as best we could and prayed for him. So we trust that God is still watching out for him.
I was amazed at the changes I saw in Daniel in the last couple of weeks. He ended up loving Little N and figured out that toddlers aren't so bad. He learned to play with him and realized that there was enough love for everyone. He did not have to be jealous or feel threatened. And now he's ready for another one.
And I decided that to love means to risk loss. One could shut themselves off from loving in order to avoid pain but who wants to live in a loveless world. To love anyone in life means that there's a risk of hurt or loss, whether it's parent, child, spouse, friend, foster child...
So I'm grateful for the time we had with Little N. I'm glad we had the chance to love him. It was worth it.
I was too shocked to feel much until I went in the backyard to tell Daniel that someone was coming to get Little N. At that point I teared up. Daniel looked surprised and said "I don't want him to be moved. Let's hide him!"
It was sad to see him go. When the new foster mother picked him up to carry him out I could hardly look at his screaming, crying face and it brought flashbacks to when Daniel did that at parent visits. After he left the house seemed empty and quiet and then my emotions kicked in.
Ok, so I knew fostering would mean good-byes. And I had already determined that I would not get attached to the little guy. It wasn't so much that I was sad that he was gone (even though I was) but when we were told that the kinship placement was not a relative's home nor was it even a close friend it seemed as if policy had been violated and I was upset on Little N's behalf that he was experiencing one more move. I hate the fact that little ones are shuffled and have a series of disrupted attachments.
My hope was that Little N would be able to stay here until his mother was ready to be a responsible parent and that there could be a continuing relationship... the "Bridge Program" that DHS encourages. Just in the short time he was here, 2.5 weeks, we saw such positive changes in him; he was settling into a routine, starting to babble constantly, looking healthy.
Well, by this morning we found out additional info about the new home that at least gave peace of mind that he would be safe, loved, and well cared for. It didn't make it any easier to have him gone, but I don't have to worry about him.
After he left, I was so upset at the way things were handled I wondered whether it was worth it. It's hard to invest your time and heart only to have it end so abruptly with no time to process or prepare. I thought maybe next time if it is an older, more difficult child, at least maybe I'd be happy to see them go! In spite of my efforts to remain detached I could not stop from loving and caring for Little N. It just happens!
And when I thought it about it this morning, I realized that yes it was worth it. If could go back, knowing that it would end in such a frustrating and sudden way I would do it all over again. For 2.5 weeks we loved Little N as best we could and prayed for him. So we trust that God is still watching out for him.
I was amazed at the changes I saw in Daniel in the last couple of weeks. He ended up loving Little N and figured out that toddlers aren't so bad. He learned to play with him and realized that there was enough love for everyone. He did not have to be jealous or feel threatened. And now he's ready for another one.
And I decided that to love means to risk loss. One could shut themselves off from loving in order to avoid pain but who wants to live in a loveless world. To love anyone in life means that there's a risk of hurt or loss, whether it's parent, child, spouse, friend, foster child...
So I'm grateful for the time we had with Little N. I'm glad we had the chance to love him. It was worth it.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
just rambling.
What a busy life it has been! So many times I've wanted to start writing but it's usually night time before I have a chance to pull out my laptop and by then I'm either tired or have other things to do before the day is over.
It's been two weeks since the little guy was brought here....I can't state his name due to confidentiality so I'll just call him Little N. Unlike Daniel's case, we've had very little contact with any caseworker and have no idea right now what his status is. So we just live every day and keep saying things like "well if Little N is still here next week....." because at this point we really don't know. With Daniel, we knew within the first few days the conditions that brought him into DHS custody, the investigator kept in frequent contact and gave us updates, and we knew much more about his biological family. With Little N much of that is a mystery.
Daniel is learning how to relate to him and I think he's even starting to like him :-) The other night they occupied each other for quite a while just running around and around. Daniel has asked if we get to keep him and if we can adopt him. We keep telling him that Little N will be going back to his home, although there's a chance DHS could move him into a kinship placement before that.
I have no desire to adopt a second child right now. Being a single parent--even with my mom's help--is hard enough with one, I just don't think I could do two! Maybe someday. But sometimes when I think about Little N leaving it makes me a little sad. I know our house will be much quieter and I think it will be hard for Daniel who has said several times that he wants a brother.
If Little N goes back to his mother in a few months I think that ideal would be that a relationship would be built in which Little N could still come and visit and we could be a part of their lives. That seems to be best, especially if he were here for a couple of months, because by then I'm sure the relationship between the boys would be stronger.
I have not met his mother yet. She is younger than me and a part of me feels like it would be awkward. And another part of me just doesn't feel like I have it in me to get involved. With Daniel's situation I went to most of the parent visits, I talked with his parents (mother mostly), I saw all of the court reports and CASA reports, I went to most of the court hearings. This time around I don't want to do any of that! I just want to be a safe home and fill-in mother and let the court/DHS do what they will. Maybe God will want me to build a relationship with Little N's mother. Or maybe my mom can do it and that will be enough.
Every time the phone rings I think it might be DHS and if it is, I have a little anxiety over any changes a phone call might bring. Even though I'm not wanting adoption I still realize that this little child is in our home and like it or not he is in our hearts! We can't go backwards....he is a part of our lives and whatever happens there will be emotions. We love him and pray for a happy, secure future for him.
Tonight I went to tuck them both in and enjoyed listening to their steady, peaceful breathing (and snoring!) Just living one day at a time and seeing what a new day might bring.
It's been two weeks since the little guy was brought here....I can't state his name due to confidentiality so I'll just call him Little N. Unlike Daniel's case, we've had very little contact with any caseworker and have no idea right now what his status is. So we just live every day and keep saying things like "well if Little N is still here next week....." because at this point we really don't know. With Daniel, we knew within the first few days the conditions that brought him into DHS custody, the investigator kept in frequent contact and gave us updates, and we knew much more about his biological family. With Little N much of that is a mystery.
Daniel is learning how to relate to him and I think he's even starting to like him :-) The other night they occupied each other for quite a while just running around and around. Daniel has asked if we get to keep him and if we can adopt him. We keep telling him that Little N will be going back to his home, although there's a chance DHS could move him into a kinship placement before that.
I have no desire to adopt a second child right now. Being a single parent--even with my mom's help--is hard enough with one, I just don't think I could do two! Maybe someday. But sometimes when I think about Little N leaving it makes me a little sad. I know our house will be much quieter and I think it will be hard for Daniel who has said several times that he wants a brother.
If Little N goes back to his mother in a few months I think that ideal would be that a relationship would be built in which Little N could still come and visit and we could be a part of their lives. That seems to be best, especially if he were here for a couple of months, because by then I'm sure the relationship between the boys would be stronger.
I have not met his mother yet. She is younger than me and a part of me feels like it would be awkward. And another part of me just doesn't feel like I have it in me to get involved. With Daniel's situation I went to most of the parent visits, I talked with his parents (mother mostly), I saw all of the court reports and CASA reports, I went to most of the court hearings. This time around I don't want to do any of that! I just want to be a safe home and fill-in mother and let the court/DHS do what they will. Maybe God will want me to build a relationship with Little N's mother. Or maybe my mom can do it and that will be enough.
Every time the phone rings I think it might be DHS and if it is, I have a little anxiety over any changes a phone call might bring. Even though I'm not wanting adoption I still realize that this little child is in our home and like it or not he is in our hearts! We can't go backwards....he is a part of our lives and whatever happens there will be emotions. We love him and pray for a happy, secure future for him.
Tonight I went to tuck them both in and enjoyed listening to their steady, peaceful breathing (and snoring!) Just living one day at a time and seeing what a new day might bring.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
fostering memories
The little man had a one hour visit with his mother today. When he left I was in a swirl emotions remembering back to Daniel's case and those visits. I didn't attend the visits when they first started, right after Daniel was taken into DHS custody. My mom took him and sometimes sat with the parents in the visits or just waited in the waiting area. Shortly before Daniel turned one I came to a visit. My mom had told me how they had been but I was not prepared for how emotionally draining it was.
Daniel had consistently reacted negatively to his mother and often spent most of the visit crying. It was no different when I went that first time. I carried him into the lobby and as soon as he saw her he turned away and began whimpering. When the time came for her to take him back to the visiting rooms he began clinging to me and wailing loudly. It was very, very awkward. I was torn between wanting to comfort him and yet respecting the fact that she was his mother and she wanted her time with him. Pulling him away involved prying his fingers loose from my arms and hair, and then she eventually was able to take him back where he continued to cry. I felt badly for her that she spent that hour, which should have been special, trying to calm a screaming child while the caseworker observed.
Visits continued like that for several months until eventually they were moved to a psychologist's office and our family was then involved in the visits to make it more natural for Daniel. After close to a year of visits, Daniel began to cope in the visit. He was not necessarily relaxed or calm, but at least he was no longer screaming. However from the very beginning he would have reactions post-visit. That seems to be a common occurrence according to other foster parents. The post-visit reactions included clinginess, hyper-vigilance, sleeplessness, biting, headbanging, night terrors, fits of anger for no apparent reason. We pretty much knew to prepare ourselves for the difficult days that would follow a visit with his parent(s).
As Daniel began to cope better in the visit, his reactions following the visit started to get more intense and increase in duration. My grandmother observed one of his night terrors (which could happen day or night) and was shocked. My students observed the changes in his behavior as well. It was most apparent when there was a suspension of visits during a period of time before the judge ordered them to begin again. The progress he made during the suspension was completely disrupted and he had extreme regression when the visits resumed.
During this time sleep was a luxury. I can't count the times we were up with Daniel at night or walking up and down the halls with him trying to calm him down. Looking back I don't know how I did it, but it took its toll physically and emotionally. I lost so much weight my clothes were getting big and people thought I had health issues or eating disorders!
Thankfully the little 14 month old we have now did not have the same negative experience in his visit with his mother today. When he came back to our home he seemed pretty normal--compared to how Daniel was. But when bedtime came, the toddler was very wound up. As I was holding him, trying to help him relax and sleep I thought "oh no, here we go again!" I could not imagine doing a repeat of Daniel's situation. I reminded myself that this won't be a repeat. Things are different, this baby seems to have a positive bond with his mother, and chances are good that he will go back to her.
When I look back at the early years with Daniel I am amazed that we all survived. All I can conclude is that God poured out His grace and strength to do His will. If I had known how hard that part would be I might not have said yes! But His grace was sufficient and we all came through.
Daniel had consistently reacted negatively to his mother and often spent most of the visit crying. It was no different when I went that first time. I carried him into the lobby and as soon as he saw her he turned away and began whimpering. When the time came for her to take him back to the visiting rooms he began clinging to me and wailing loudly. It was very, very awkward. I was torn between wanting to comfort him and yet respecting the fact that she was his mother and she wanted her time with him. Pulling him away involved prying his fingers loose from my arms and hair, and then she eventually was able to take him back where he continued to cry. I felt badly for her that she spent that hour, which should have been special, trying to calm a screaming child while the caseworker observed.
Visits continued like that for several months until eventually they were moved to a psychologist's office and our family was then involved in the visits to make it more natural for Daniel. After close to a year of visits, Daniel began to cope in the visit. He was not necessarily relaxed or calm, but at least he was no longer screaming. However from the very beginning he would have reactions post-visit. That seems to be a common occurrence according to other foster parents. The post-visit reactions included clinginess, hyper-vigilance, sleeplessness, biting, headbanging, night terrors, fits of anger for no apparent reason. We pretty much knew to prepare ourselves for the difficult days that would follow a visit with his parent(s).
As Daniel began to cope better in the visit, his reactions following the visit started to get more intense and increase in duration. My grandmother observed one of his night terrors (which could happen day or night) and was shocked. My students observed the changes in his behavior as well. It was most apparent when there was a suspension of visits during a period of time before the judge ordered them to begin again. The progress he made during the suspension was completely disrupted and he had extreme regression when the visits resumed.
During this time sleep was a luxury. I can't count the times we were up with Daniel at night or walking up and down the halls with him trying to calm him down. Looking back I don't know how I did it, but it took its toll physically and emotionally. I lost so much weight my clothes were getting big and people thought I had health issues or eating disorders!
Thankfully the little 14 month old we have now did not have the same negative experience in his visit with his mother today. When he came back to our home he seemed pretty normal--compared to how Daniel was. But when bedtime came, the toddler was very wound up. As I was holding him, trying to help him relax and sleep I thought "oh no, here we go again!" I could not imagine doing a repeat of Daniel's situation. I reminded myself that this won't be a repeat. Things are different, this baby seems to have a positive bond with his mother, and chances are good that he will go back to her.
When I look back at the early years with Daniel I am amazed that we all survived. All I can conclude is that God poured out His grace and strength to do His will. If I had known how hard that part would be I might not have said yes! But His grace was sufficient and we all came through.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Our household has finally started to settle into a routine....sort of. It's been crazy to put a 14 month old boy into the mix! Daniel has finally accepted him and admitted that he will miss him when he is gone. God has done a work in Daniel's heart thanks to prayer and I have seen big changes in him with sharing and showing thoughtfulness.
The first couple of days the little man was here I was pretty detached and determined that I would not get my heart too involved with this child. But, I have a big heart and it didn't take long for me to start loving this little man. Yeah I think we will all miss him when he is gone.
So tomorrow is the day we find out whether the court will keep him in custody or whether they will determine that, based on the investigation, he will be returned to his mother. I'm praying God's will. In many ways his case reminds me of Daniel's, but with Daniel's case we knew so much more in the first few days. This time around, we have so little information that I have no opinion on the matter. I just want the Little Man to be safe.
Sometimes I stop and think "am I really involved in fostering again?!? Crazy?!?!" but playing with these two boys totally makes it worth it. I'm tired, but happy.
The first couple of days the little man was here I was pretty detached and determined that I would not get my heart too involved with this child. But, I have a big heart and it didn't take long for me to start loving this little man. Yeah I think we will all miss him when he is gone.
So tomorrow is the day we find out whether the court will keep him in custody or whether they will determine that, based on the investigation, he will be returned to his mother. I'm praying God's will. In many ways his case reminds me of Daniel's, but with Daniel's case we knew so much more in the first few days. This time around, we have so little information that I have no opinion on the matter. I just want the Little Man to be safe.
Sometimes I stop and think "am I really involved in fostering again?!? Crazy?!?!" but playing with these two boys totally makes it worth it. I'm tired, but happy.
Friday, January 11, 2013
end of the week reflections
Little man slept through the night last night, which made for a much better day today. After our homeschool co-op this morning and nap time in the early afternoon I took both boys to a park to play and then out for frozen yogurt while my mom caught up on her business! I was happy the day was going so well....until it started to go downhill again. Little man got impatient for dinner, and Daniel got tired of hearing screeching. Poor Daniel has decided he has no use for a toddler and he is really struggling with his feelings.
I tried to explain to him that Little Man just needs love for now. He needs a safe and loving home until they decide that it's time for him to go back to his own mama. Daniel still feels threatened and worried.
And me...well I heard a statement tonight that is sticking with me. I don't need to be doing things for God, but doing things IN God. I don't really think of fostering as something I'm doing for God, but even so I need to do it in God, with God; because a part from Him I don't have the wisdom to guide Daniel through this situation.
Last night I was just reflecting on life. I probably could go live and work in an orphanage and be pretty happy. Give me a baby to hold and I'm content. But that's likely not going to be happening. I don't see myself going overseas and I don't believe that Daniel would thrive. He craves stability and has expressed the desire for a bigger family with two parents and siblings--although he's getting a dose of reality with a toddler in the house!
But here I am with one adopted child and now getting back into fostering for however long it may last. And sometimes I wonder why I had to do things so differently. I'm not regretting it at all but couldn't I have done life the way most people do life? I mean even now, it's in me to care for little ones again and I can't help that I have a heart for abused kids....but sometimes I feel so different. I just can't turn my heart off though....
And now, I will hope that everyone sleeps tonight because it's going to be a busy weekend and who knows what next week will hold.
I tried to explain to him that Little Man just needs love for now. He needs a safe and loving home until they decide that it's time for him to go back to his own mama. Daniel still feels threatened and worried.
And me...well I heard a statement tonight that is sticking with me. I don't need to be doing things for God, but doing things IN God. I don't really think of fostering as something I'm doing for God, but even so I need to do it in God, with God; because a part from Him I don't have the wisdom to guide Daniel through this situation.
Last night I was just reflecting on life. I probably could go live and work in an orphanage and be pretty happy. Give me a baby to hold and I'm content. But that's likely not going to be happening. I don't see myself going overseas and I don't believe that Daniel would thrive. He craves stability and has expressed the desire for a bigger family with two parents and siblings--although he's getting a dose of reality with a toddler in the house!
But here I am with one adopted child and now getting back into fostering for however long it may last. And sometimes I wonder why I had to do things so differently. I'm not regretting it at all but couldn't I have done life the way most people do life? I mean even now, it's in me to care for little ones again and I can't help that I have a heart for abused kids....but sometimes I feel so different. I just can't turn my heart off though....
And now, I will hope that everyone sleeps tonight because it's going to be a busy weekend and who knows what next week will hold.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Well today I figured out I am not a foster parent saint. I am tired. I am slightly overwhelmed. And I get impatient I confess.
Little one year old boy came with very little notice on Tuesday night. He is cute. He is fun. I love, love, love, babies and kiddos so I enjoyed him a lot at first. Who can not love a grinning little man?
Daniel rose to the occasion of being "big brother" and was super helpful and tried to entertain the little guy (even though he would have rather had an older boy here)
My mom ("Mimi") was of course just as eager as I to play with him and be a warm, welcoming home.
Well by today, Daniel was tired of his screaming. We were tired of the little guy not sleeping. He cried a lot last night. My mom was the wonderful one who got up with him (I sleep through almost anything.) The dog, Bailey, was feeling a little left out and was chewing on things. It all disintegrated into chaos.
I am back to teaching this week and so I have been adjusting to what was going to be going back to "normal"...except that it is far from normal.
So I just remembered that fostering is super hard. Now that Daniel is sleeping well and knows how to let me "sleep in" on Saturday, and he is getting big and helpful and all those wonderful things, I forgot how much work a toddler is! Help God. But I am enjoying hugging him, carrying him, and playing with him!
His case is new so everything could change in a few days; he could very well be moved. I feel so badly for him...I was rocking him tonight and thinking how scary it must be for him to be away from his mama. No wonder he's not sleeping. It brought back memories of all the nights Daniel didn't sleep. I hate to think of his future if he stays in the foster system too long or starts getting shuffled around. Hopefully things can be resolved quickly and safely for his sake.
In the mean time my mom, Daniel, and I had a little conference tonight after the little one was in bed to remind ourselves that we would love him (and ask God to help us when it was hard) and pray God's best for him. And maybe tonight God would help him to sleep. Please!
Little one year old boy came with very little notice on Tuesday night. He is cute. He is fun. I love, love, love, babies and kiddos so I enjoyed him a lot at first. Who can not love a grinning little man?
Daniel rose to the occasion of being "big brother" and was super helpful and tried to entertain the little guy (even though he would have rather had an older boy here)
My mom ("Mimi") was of course just as eager as I to play with him and be a warm, welcoming home.
Well by today, Daniel was tired of his screaming. We were tired of the little guy not sleeping. He cried a lot last night. My mom was the wonderful one who got up with him (I sleep through almost anything.) The dog, Bailey, was feeling a little left out and was chewing on things. It all disintegrated into chaos.
I am back to teaching this week and so I have been adjusting to what was going to be going back to "normal"...except that it is far from normal.
So I just remembered that fostering is super hard. Now that Daniel is sleeping well and knows how to let me "sleep in" on Saturday, and he is getting big and helpful and all those wonderful things, I forgot how much work a toddler is! Help God. But I am enjoying hugging him, carrying him, and playing with him!
His case is new so everything could change in a few days; he could very well be moved. I feel so badly for him...I was rocking him tonight and thinking how scary it must be for him to be away from his mama. No wonder he's not sleeping. It brought back memories of all the nights Daniel didn't sleep. I hate to think of his future if he stays in the foster system too long or starts getting shuffled around. Hopefully things can be resolved quickly and safely for his sake.
In the mean time my mom, Daniel, and I had a little conference tonight after the little one was in bed to remind ourselves that we would love him (and ask God to help us when it was hard) and pray God's best for him. And maybe tonight God would help him to sleep. Please!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
My confession: I hate waiting. Daniel and I have this in common. It is nearly impossible to tell him there's going to be a surprise because he goes crazy with anticipation. In fact if I have a surprise for him I don't tell him because he can't handle the waiting!
During 2006 our family was a foster home for therapeutic children (I talk about it a little here.)We worked with the Bair Foundation and did respite for most of that year, primarily for teenage girls. Towards the end of 2006 we had decided that we were ready to have a placement for longer than just respite. There was one woman at Bair who was trying really hard to place one younger child in our home. At least three times she thought she had a child and she would call to give us info; we would think about it, say yes, start preparing...and then she would call back to say that the child's worker already had a different placement. I so remember that pattern of anticipation and then let down. My big desire at that time was to give a child a home for however long he/she needed one.
In 2007 when we decided to work directly with DHS and leave Bair we had no idea how long it would be before a child would be placed. At that time the Laura Dester shelter was almost always full to capacity. Often when I went there would be toddler beds and cribs filling the rooms. So when the DHS worker called the morning that we were to sign the papers and said she wanted to bring a baby we said yes, but I think in the back of my mind I wondered if it would be like it had been in the past where plans would change. This time though, the baby, Daniel, really came and life changed dramatically!
Fast forward to the end of 2012 and much to my great surprise I found myself ready to give fostering a try again. Or at least be open to the idea. By December of 2012 we had come into contact with a child at the shelter who seemed like he could fit into our family (not for adoption but for however long he needed a home....at least to get out of the shelter) We were excited at the possibility and began praying that he would be put into the right place. He had already been in the shelter for nearly four months and really needed to be in a home and have therapy for some of his needs. Within days his caseworker moved him out of the shelter and into a home in another town where he would have access to very specific therapy. Well after that anticipation it seemed that it was not God's will that he be here but perhaps our paths crossed so that he would have the prayers over his little life and maybe those prayers helped to move him into a good situation.
A few weeks went by and on January 3rd, 2013, our worker called and said there was a young boy who was being released from the hospital after receiving injuries from abuse and could we take him. He would have been close to Daniel's age and after hearing some of his story of course we were moved with compassion. Daniel agreed to having him come stay here and was willing to let this boy use the extra bed in his room (that was at the moment being used as a fort!) We were expecting that we were going to pick him up from the hospital on Thursday evening so we began to get his bed ready. The caseworker called several more times, each time with an update and changing information. By evening he was apparently going to be kept in the hospital one more night and we would have to wait until the next day, Friday, to know if he was coming or not. It looked like he might instead be going to a relative's house but no one was really sure. In the mean time we could pray. So in our night time prayers with Daniel we prayed for "James" that God's will would be done in his life and he would be kept safe and placed into the best possible situation.
Friday came and there was no word on him. All day long I was hoping the phone would ring; the bed was ready and waiting. By evening, no word from the caseworker but a different caseworker had told us that she didn't know what was happening with him but it had been a really bad situation and he needed prayer. That night I was at a prayer meeting still thinking about him; my mom texted me with an update that he was still in the hospital but would be released to a relative. I was disappointed but I figured that God must have wanted us to pray for him.
Part of me feels ready to love another child but I'm in the waiting process again. Perhaps there will not be a child placed here and if that's the case I'm okay with that; God may have something completely different. My days are full with Daniel and we have our own challenges to still work through. But I'm willing. And maybe some of these children just need some people to pray for them and they will only be a name that I will lift up to God.
In my room I have a little wooden plaque that was painted by a child at the Laura Dester shelter it reads
During 2006 our family was a foster home for therapeutic children (I talk about it a little here.)We worked with the Bair Foundation and did respite for most of that year, primarily for teenage girls. Towards the end of 2006 we had decided that we were ready to have a placement for longer than just respite. There was one woman at Bair who was trying really hard to place one younger child in our home. At least three times she thought she had a child and she would call to give us info; we would think about it, say yes, start preparing...and then she would call back to say that the child's worker already had a different placement. I so remember that pattern of anticipation and then let down. My big desire at that time was to give a child a home for however long he/she needed one.
In 2007 when we decided to work directly with DHS and leave Bair we had no idea how long it would be before a child would be placed. At that time the Laura Dester shelter was almost always full to capacity. Often when I went there would be toddler beds and cribs filling the rooms. So when the DHS worker called the morning that we were to sign the papers and said she wanted to bring a baby we said yes, but I think in the back of my mind I wondered if it would be like it had been in the past where plans would change. This time though, the baby, Daniel, really came and life changed dramatically!
Fast forward to the end of 2012 and much to my great surprise I found myself ready to give fostering a try again. Or at least be open to the idea. By December of 2012 we had come into contact with a child at the shelter who seemed like he could fit into our family (not for adoption but for however long he needed a home....at least to get out of the shelter) We were excited at the possibility and began praying that he would be put into the right place. He had already been in the shelter for nearly four months and really needed to be in a home and have therapy for some of his needs. Within days his caseworker moved him out of the shelter and into a home in another town where he would have access to very specific therapy. Well after that anticipation it seemed that it was not God's will that he be here but perhaps our paths crossed so that he would have the prayers over his little life and maybe those prayers helped to move him into a good situation.
A few weeks went by and on January 3rd, 2013, our worker called and said there was a young boy who was being released from the hospital after receiving injuries from abuse and could we take him. He would have been close to Daniel's age and after hearing some of his story of course we were moved with compassion. Daniel agreed to having him come stay here and was willing to let this boy use the extra bed in his room (that was at the moment being used as a fort!) We were expecting that we were going to pick him up from the hospital on Thursday evening so we began to get his bed ready. The caseworker called several more times, each time with an update and changing information. By evening he was apparently going to be kept in the hospital one more night and we would have to wait until the next day, Friday, to know if he was coming or not. It looked like he might instead be going to a relative's house but no one was really sure. In the mean time we could pray. So in our night time prayers with Daniel we prayed for "James" that God's will would be done in his life and he would be kept safe and placed into the best possible situation.
Friday came and there was no word on him. All day long I was hoping the phone would ring; the bed was ready and waiting. By evening, no word from the caseworker but a different caseworker had told us that she didn't know what was happening with him but it had been a really bad situation and he needed prayer. That night I was at a prayer meeting still thinking about him; my mom texted me with an update that he was still in the hospital but would be released to a relative. I was disappointed but I figured that God must have wanted us to pray for him.
Part of me feels ready to love another child but I'm in the waiting process again. Perhaps there will not be a child placed here and if that's the case I'm okay with that; God may have something completely different. My days are full with Daniel and we have our own challenges to still work through. But I'm willing. And maybe some of these children just need some people to pray for them and they will only be a name that I will lift up to God.
In my room I have a little wooden plaque that was painted by a child at the Laura Dester shelter it reads
One hundred years from now....
It will not matter what my bank account was,
the sort of house I lived in,
or the kind of car I drove
But the world may be different because I was important
in the life of a child.
So whether it's parenting, mentoring, praying for, playing with, or just being kind to a child I guess I'll just continue to walk one day at a time and see what God will do.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
the end.
The grueling trial week was drawing to a close. I sat in the courtroom the end of the day, Thursday during one witness on behalf of Daniel's mother at the end of the day. She had been "Maria's" teacher for her parenting classes. I thought she did well as a witness and that the Assistant District Attorney was effective in his cross-examination. Now that I was sitting in the court room as an observer I had time to study the jurors.
Out of six jurors, if I remember correctly, there were three men and three women. All were white and ranged in age from maybe early twenties to fifties. They all seemed to listen intently but kept expressionless faces. It had to be quite an experience for them all, especially the youngest guy who looked like he was barely out of high school.
Friday morning, Maria's attorney would call a witness and then she would take the stand. I would be home with Daniel waiting for updates from my mom. The first witness blamed DHS for not helping Maria get Daniel back. She said that they failed to make a treatment plan that she could understand. (On the contrary i thought that DHS and the judge did everything they could do give her every opportunity to have Daniel back in her care.) In addition she too was suffering from PTSD from stress and trauma in her own life and this whole situation was making it worse.
After Daniel's mother's testimony, court recessed for lunch. When we reconvened it would be time for closing arguments. A friend was coming to stay with Daniel and I planned to be there for the closing arguments and verdict.
When I got to court, it was pretty full already. The two caseworkers sitting in front of me were talking about how Maria's attorney had practically started yelling at her during her testimony. He seemed to be falling apart and feeling stressed. The sheriffs who worked at the courthouse whom we had seen so many times before came in to observe. I found out later that a lot of people knew about and were following Daniel's case. As one foster mother recently told me "it was the case of the year!" I believe it.
The Assistant District Attorney and Daniel's public defender both gave closing arguments, then the attorney for Daniel's mother gave his. The contrast was noticeable. Maria's attorney seemed desperate. He tried to paint Maria as the victim (and I don't doubt that she suffered through the 1.5 years), but in his efforts he made it obvious that there was agreement among many parties that it was in Daniel's best interest that her rights be terminated. In contrast, both the ADA and PD gave very powerful closing arguments. I was impressed with their skill and command of the courtroom. At the conclusion the judge gave the jurors their instructions and we were dismissed to wait.
In the lobby, Maria and her attorney and interpreter went to the upper level to wait. I was extremely nervous but I stayed in the lower level with Daniel's attorneys, CASA, DHS worker, my mom and we joked and laughed--trying to diffuse our nerves I suppose. During this time I sent out a text to many friends asking for prayer as the jurors were deliberating.
It was within an hour I believe that we were all called back in. I felt sick with nervousness. Within a few minutes my future was going to change in one way or another. Daniel's mother was visibly nervous as well. She was sitting at a table in the front of the court room with all the attorneys and her interpreter. The rest of us were sitting on the benches in the back part of the room.
The jurors filed in and I'm sure all of us were trying to read their expressions or make eye contact. their faces were expressionless and they refused to make eye contact with anyone. The suspense in the court room was heavy.
After the preliminaries, the judge asked the jury foreman to read their verdict. He was a youngish, red-headed man, had a wedding band and looked like a family man. My mom grabbed my hand. As he read that the parental rights of Maria should be terminated I saw CASA and the DHS workers around me exchange glances as I exhaled and felt limp. I looked up at Maria....she was sitting facing the jury with her profile to me. I saw one tear roll down her cheek; and then another tear that followed the first one. This was the end of a journey for both of us.
After a few more formalities the court was dismissed and we began to file out. I didn't speak with Maria after exiting the court room. I don't think anyone knew what to say anyway. My mom and I were pulled off to the side with the attorney, CASA, and caseworker who were feeling relieved and happy. At this point I felt little emotion. In my journal entry I stated I felt "numb." The attorney mentioned that Daniel's mother had 30 days in which to file an appeal and that the court would set another hearing to determine a permanency plan for Daniel.
As we moved closer to the exit of the building, I watched Daniel's mother walk out to the parking lot alone. It was her 26th birthday that Friday, August 28th. I truly felt compassion for her. And it wasn't that I thought that Daniel should go back to her. The jury heard all the evidence and agreed on the verdict. It was right and best for Daniel, and by that time I think that even if Daniel had gone back to her it would not have been what she had hoped for. There was too much baggage and very little positive connection between her and Daniel. But it was still sad.
We still have notebooks of court reports, logs, doctor and psychologist reports from those months but it has been a long time since I have looked at them. I wanted to start writing some of this story so that I wouldn't forget. It has been somewhat haphazard and there are large gaps I still need to fill in. It was a hard, hard journey for all of us--our family, Daniel's parents, the attorneys, CASA, DHS, and most of all Daniel. At the conclusion of the trial we hoped that Daniel's mother could move forward and heal and start a new life. We hoped that Daniel could begin to move forward and begin to heal from PTSD. The day after the trial we were nearly sick with exhaustion. It was crazy but apparently the stress had been building for months.
The end of the trial meant that Daniel was still in DHS custody. A permanency plan still needed to be determined, an adoption worker would be assigned. It was the end of this part of the journey but it was not over yet.
I've been pulling out old journals, reading my entries from those months. I hope to eventually fill in some more of this story, "the case of the year", in future posts.
Out of six jurors, if I remember correctly, there were three men and three women. All were white and ranged in age from maybe early twenties to fifties. They all seemed to listen intently but kept expressionless faces. It had to be quite an experience for them all, especially the youngest guy who looked like he was barely out of high school.
Friday morning, Maria's attorney would call a witness and then she would take the stand. I would be home with Daniel waiting for updates from my mom. The first witness blamed DHS for not helping Maria get Daniel back. She said that they failed to make a treatment plan that she could understand. (On the contrary i thought that DHS and the judge did everything they could do give her every opportunity to have Daniel back in her care.) In addition she too was suffering from PTSD from stress and trauma in her own life and this whole situation was making it worse.
After Daniel's mother's testimony, court recessed for lunch. When we reconvened it would be time for closing arguments. A friend was coming to stay with Daniel and I planned to be there for the closing arguments and verdict.
When I got to court, it was pretty full already. The two caseworkers sitting in front of me were talking about how Maria's attorney had practically started yelling at her during her testimony. He seemed to be falling apart and feeling stressed. The sheriffs who worked at the courthouse whom we had seen so many times before came in to observe. I found out later that a lot of people knew about and were following Daniel's case. As one foster mother recently told me "it was the case of the year!" I believe it.
The Assistant District Attorney and Daniel's public defender both gave closing arguments, then the attorney for Daniel's mother gave his. The contrast was noticeable. Maria's attorney seemed desperate. He tried to paint Maria as the victim (and I don't doubt that she suffered through the 1.5 years), but in his efforts he made it obvious that there was agreement among many parties that it was in Daniel's best interest that her rights be terminated. In contrast, both the ADA and PD gave very powerful closing arguments. I was impressed with their skill and command of the courtroom. At the conclusion the judge gave the jurors their instructions and we were dismissed to wait.
In the lobby, Maria and her attorney and interpreter went to the upper level to wait. I was extremely nervous but I stayed in the lower level with Daniel's attorneys, CASA, DHS worker, my mom and we joked and laughed--trying to diffuse our nerves I suppose. During this time I sent out a text to many friends asking for prayer as the jurors were deliberating.
It was within an hour I believe that we were all called back in. I felt sick with nervousness. Within a few minutes my future was going to change in one way or another. Daniel's mother was visibly nervous as well. She was sitting at a table in the front of the court room with all the attorneys and her interpreter. The rest of us were sitting on the benches in the back part of the room.
The jurors filed in and I'm sure all of us were trying to read their expressions or make eye contact. their faces were expressionless and they refused to make eye contact with anyone. The suspense in the court room was heavy.
After the preliminaries, the judge asked the jury foreman to read their verdict. He was a youngish, red-headed man, had a wedding band and looked like a family man. My mom grabbed my hand. As he read that the parental rights of Maria should be terminated I saw CASA and the DHS workers around me exchange glances as I exhaled and felt limp. I looked up at Maria....she was sitting facing the jury with her profile to me. I saw one tear roll down her cheek; and then another tear that followed the first one. This was the end of a journey for both of us.
After a few more formalities the court was dismissed and we began to file out. I didn't speak with Maria after exiting the court room. I don't think anyone knew what to say anyway. My mom and I were pulled off to the side with the attorney, CASA, and caseworker who were feeling relieved and happy. At this point I felt little emotion. In my journal entry I stated I felt "numb." The attorney mentioned that Daniel's mother had 30 days in which to file an appeal and that the court would set another hearing to determine a permanency plan for Daniel.
As we moved closer to the exit of the building, I watched Daniel's mother walk out to the parking lot alone. It was her 26th birthday that Friday, August 28th. I truly felt compassion for her. And it wasn't that I thought that Daniel should go back to her. The jury heard all the evidence and agreed on the verdict. It was right and best for Daniel, and by that time I think that even if Daniel had gone back to her it would not have been what she had hoped for. There was too much baggage and very little positive connection between her and Daniel. But it was still sad.
We still have notebooks of court reports, logs, doctor and psychologist reports from those months but it has been a long time since I have looked at them. I wanted to start writing some of this story so that I wouldn't forget. It has been somewhat haphazard and there are large gaps I still need to fill in. It was a hard, hard journey for all of us--our family, Daniel's parents, the attorneys, CASA, DHS, and most of all Daniel. At the conclusion of the trial we hoped that Daniel's mother could move forward and heal and start a new life. We hoped that Daniel could begin to move forward and begin to heal from PTSD. The day after the trial we were nearly sick with exhaustion. It was crazy but apparently the stress had been building for months.
The end of the trial meant that Daniel was still in DHS custody. A permanency plan still needed to be determined, an adoption worker would be assigned. It was the end of this part of the journey but it was not over yet.
I've been pulling out old journals, reading my entries from those months. I hope to eventually fill in some more of this story, "the case of the year", in future posts.
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