Thanksgiving

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
.... for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. (Phil 4)

adjective

adjective: content

1.

in a state of peaceful happiness.

"he seemed more content, less bitter"

synonyms:

contented, satisfied, pleased, gratified, fulfilled, happy, cheerful, glad; unworried, untroubled, at ease, at peace, tranquil, serene

Thanksgiving last year we were thanking God for an amazing answer to prayer. This year I am still reeling from the events of this past year, and learning to give thanks and be content when I am not on a mountain top of answered prayer.

One year ago, Miss B was 7.5 months old. She had been seeing her biological father for one hour supervised visits for about 5 months. The had only recently become consistent visits and most of the time she cried for most, if not all, of the hour.  He barely knew her habits and did not ask about her daily life. So we were shocked when the DHS worker told us that the tribe had requested that Miss B and her siblings be sent for a Thanksgiving visit an hour away at his house for 5 nights! The tribal worker was adamant that this plan and the judge was favorable to this request. 

We begged the worker to appeal the decision and said we would drive Miss B to his house the day after Thanksgiving and let him have her for the day. But it was too much for the baby to go from one hour supervised visits to almost a week of unsupervised time.

We were praying, our friends were praying, and the night before Miss B would have left for the visit, the worker called and said that the therapist submitted a letter to the judge explaining that it would not be in the baby's best interest to go on the extended visit. The four siblings went, but Miss B would stay with us. 

I was so relieved. All day on Thanksgiving day I was thanking God for that answered prayer and delighting in every moment with Miss B. 

Things became much harder in the case after that though, and from then on it was like the beginning of the end. 

This year I have so much to be thankful for, but she is still never far from my thoughts and I still tear up when I talk about her. 

This year I am learning to be thankful and trust God in the day to day when prayers are seemingly unanswered. Or at least not answered in the way I thought they would be.

Recently I was part of a study on Philippians 4, and the verses about not being anxious and being content in all circumstances were the basis of a rich discussion. Many thoughts that were shared have stayed with me, especially the ones related to being content when life is just plain hard.... In those times when we think things should be better and they are not, or it seems that God has left a prayer unanswered for no good reason. The times where it seemed that God should have had your back, and instead things turned out badly and you still have to trust Him. 

This past summer was hard, but at least I had a cause to fight for. Going to court 5 different times provided some sense of meaning in the face of what seemed to be unjust. Now that is all over, and in the aftermath I am learning to say to God, You are still good and I will trust. 

Thanksgiving this year will be different. In fact for my family it is going to be an unlike previous Thanksgivings, but I wanted to experience it differently this year.

Next year may be another mountain top year. And if it is, I will thank God. Whether mountain or valley, I hope I am learning in whatever state I am in, to be content, because if Jesus is the center then we have everything.

 

 I sat down to write, saw this post from a couple of months ago that I never finished, so here it is.....



today I have a lot of thoughts that are kind of all over the place. so I'm just going to write. no editing. no real point here. just rambling.

Last night we watched some old videos from my violin performances in college. I was a chubby cheeked 21 year old, caught up in music, playing volleyball with friends, leading a girls' Bible study, and loving God. Those were the happy days, I was so innocent and unaware of how life would take some crazy turns in the coming years. I had some turbulent years between ages 23-24 where I struggled with depression but came out on the other side stronger and shortly after that got interested in fostering. At that time I finally figured out "what I wanted to be when I grew up" and started finishing my bachelor's degree.

Now several years later I've come through one of the hardest years, which culminated in the hardest month ever. A couple of weeks ago I honestly did not know if my faith in God would survive. The hurt, anger, disappointment, exhaustion were overwhelming.

It wasn't just the fact that Miss B left. Of course it rips a foster parent's heart out to have a child removed that you have cared for since bringing them home from the hospital. But that goes with the territory of fostering. But having her removed with no notice, being lied about, treated with hatefulness, misunderstood, and then knowing that she was treated with so little regard, all contributed to feeling abandoned by God.

So these last weeks have been a crisis of faith that I believe is resolving in a stronger faith than before. When hard times come that cause you to question your theology along with everything you thought you believed, it becomes a turning point. Two weeks ago I thought that turning point was the end of my faith as I knew it. I wanted to walk away, throw it all away. But God has kept a hold on me and even though I still have hard days, I'm coming out stronger.

In fact as of this week I know that this story is far from over. I don't know how it will end but I know this is not the end. I am still believing God for big things and the results are going to be greater than just my family or one child.