Little N was moved suddenly last night. It was so unexpected and fast. We got the call around 4:30PM in which a kinship worker said he was being moved to a "kinship" home and could we have him at the DHS building at 5:00 to pass him to the new family. My mom said no they could come to our house to get him and that would also give us time to collect and pack up his stuff.
I was too shocked to feel much until I went in the backyard to tell Daniel that someone was coming to get Little N. At that point I teared up. Daniel looked surprised and said "I don't want him to be moved. Let's hide him!"
It was sad to see him go. When the new foster mother picked him up to carry him out I could hardly look at his screaming, crying face and it brought flashbacks to when Daniel did that at parent visits. After he left the house seemed empty and quiet and then my emotions kicked in.
Ok, so I knew fostering would mean good-byes. And I had already determined that I would not get attached to the little guy. It wasn't so much that I was sad that he was gone (even though I was) but when we were told that the kinship placement was not a relative's home nor was it even a close friend it seemed as if policy had been violated and I was upset on Little N's behalf that he was experiencing one more move. I hate the fact that little ones are shuffled and have a series of disrupted attachments.
My hope was that Little N would be able to stay here until his mother was ready to be a responsible parent and that there could be a continuing relationship... the "Bridge Program" that DHS encourages. Just in the short time he was here, 2.5 weeks, we saw such positive changes in him; he was settling into a routine, starting to babble constantly, looking healthy.
Well, by this morning we found out additional info about the new home that at least gave peace of mind that he would be safe, loved, and well cared for. It didn't make it any easier to have him gone, but I don't have to worry about him.
After he left, I was so upset at the way things were handled I wondered whether it was worth it. It's hard to invest your time and heart only to have it end so abruptly with no time to process or prepare. I thought maybe next time if it is an older, more difficult child, at least maybe I'd be happy to see them go! In spite of my efforts to remain detached I could not stop from loving and caring for Little N. It just happens!
And when I thought it about it this morning, I realized that yes it was worth it. If could go back, knowing that it would end in such a frustrating and sudden way I would do it all over again. For 2.5 weeks we loved Little N as best we could and prayed for him. So we trust that God is still watching out for him.
I was amazed at the changes I saw in Daniel in the last couple of weeks. He ended up loving Little N and figured out that toddlers aren't so bad. He learned to play with him and realized that there was enough love for everyone. He did not have to be jealous or feel threatened. And now he's ready for another one.
And I decided that to love means to risk loss. One could shut themselves off from loving in order to avoid pain but who wants to live in a loveless world. To love anyone in life means that there's a risk of hurt or loss, whether it's parent, child, spouse, friend, foster child...
So I'm grateful for the time we had with Little N. I'm glad we had the chance to love him. It was worth it.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
just rambling.
What a busy life it has been! So many times I've wanted to start writing but it's usually night time before I have a chance to pull out my laptop and by then I'm either tired or have other things to do before the day is over.
It's been two weeks since the little guy was brought here....I can't state his name due to confidentiality so I'll just call him Little N. Unlike Daniel's case, we've had very little contact with any caseworker and have no idea right now what his status is. So we just live every day and keep saying things like "well if Little N is still here next week....." because at this point we really don't know. With Daniel, we knew within the first few days the conditions that brought him into DHS custody, the investigator kept in frequent contact and gave us updates, and we knew much more about his biological family. With Little N much of that is a mystery.
Daniel is learning how to relate to him and I think he's even starting to like him :-) The other night they occupied each other for quite a while just running around and around. Daniel has asked if we get to keep him and if we can adopt him. We keep telling him that Little N will be going back to his home, although there's a chance DHS could move him into a kinship placement before that.
I have no desire to adopt a second child right now. Being a single parent--even with my mom's help--is hard enough with one, I just don't think I could do two! Maybe someday. But sometimes when I think about Little N leaving it makes me a little sad. I know our house will be much quieter and I think it will be hard for Daniel who has said several times that he wants a brother.
If Little N goes back to his mother in a few months I think that ideal would be that a relationship would be built in which Little N could still come and visit and we could be a part of their lives. That seems to be best, especially if he were here for a couple of months, because by then I'm sure the relationship between the boys would be stronger.
I have not met his mother yet. She is younger than me and a part of me feels like it would be awkward. And another part of me just doesn't feel like I have it in me to get involved. With Daniel's situation I went to most of the parent visits, I talked with his parents (mother mostly), I saw all of the court reports and CASA reports, I went to most of the court hearings. This time around I don't want to do any of that! I just want to be a safe home and fill-in mother and let the court/DHS do what they will. Maybe God will want me to build a relationship with Little N's mother. Or maybe my mom can do it and that will be enough.
Every time the phone rings I think it might be DHS and if it is, I have a little anxiety over any changes a phone call might bring. Even though I'm not wanting adoption I still realize that this little child is in our home and like it or not he is in our hearts! We can't go backwards....he is a part of our lives and whatever happens there will be emotions. We love him and pray for a happy, secure future for him.
Tonight I went to tuck them both in and enjoyed listening to their steady, peaceful breathing (and snoring!) Just living one day at a time and seeing what a new day might bring.
It's been two weeks since the little guy was brought here....I can't state his name due to confidentiality so I'll just call him Little N. Unlike Daniel's case, we've had very little contact with any caseworker and have no idea right now what his status is. So we just live every day and keep saying things like "well if Little N is still here next week....." because at this point we really don't know. With Daniel, we knew within the first few days the conditions that brought him into DHS custody, the investigator kept in frequent contact and gave us updates, and we knew much more about his biological family. With Little N much of that is a mystery.
Daniel is learning how to relate to him and I think he's even starting to like him :-) The other night they occupied each other for quite a while just running around and around. Daniel has asked if we get to keep him and if we can adopt him. We keep telling him that Little N will be going back to his home, although there's a chance DHS could move him into a kinship placement before that.
I have no desire to adopt a second child right now. Being a single parent--even with my mom's help--is hard enough with one, I just don't think I could do two! Maybe someday. But sometimes when I think about Little N leaving it makes me a little sad. I know our house will be much quieter and I think it will be hard for Daniel who has said several times that he wants a brother.
If Little N goes back to his mother in a few months I think that ideal would be that a relationship would be built in which Little N could still come and visit and we could be a part of their lives. That seems to be best, especially if he were here for a couple of months, because by then I'm sure the relationship between the boys would be stronger.
I have not met his mother yet. She is younger than me and a part of me feels like it would be awkward. And another part of me just doesn't feel like I have it in me to get involved. With Daniel's situation I went to most of the parent visits, I talked with his parents (mother mostly), I saw all of the court reports and CASA reports, I went to most of the court hearings. This time around I don't want to do any of that! I just want to be a safe home and fill-in mother and let the court/DHS do what they will. Maybe God will want me to build a relationship with Little N's mother. Or maybe my mom can do it and that will be enough.
Every time the phone rings I think it might be DHS and if it is, I have a little anxiety over any changes a phone call might bring. Even though I'm not wanting adoption I still realize that this little child is in our home and like it or not he is in our hearts! We can't go backwards....he is a part of our lives and whatever happens there will be emotions. We love him and pray for a happy, secure future for him.
Tonight I went to tuck them both in and enjoyed listening to their steady, peaceful breathing (and snoring!) Just living one day at a time and seeing what a new day might bring.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
fostering memories
The little man had a one hour visit with his mother today. When he left I was in a swirl emotions remembering back to Daniel's case and those visits. I didn't attend the visits when they first started, right after Daniel was taken into DHS custody. My mom took him and sometimes sat with the parents in the visits or just waited in the waiting area. Shortly before Daniel turned one I came to a visit. My mom had told me how they had been but I was not prepared for how emotionally draining it was.
Daniel had consistently reacted negatively to his mother and often spent most of the visit crying. It was no different when I went that first time. I carried him into the lobby and as soon as he saw her he turned away and began whimpering. When the time came for her to take him back to the visiting rooms he began clinging to me and wailing loudly. It was very, very awkward. I was torn between wanting to comfort him and yet respecting the fact that she was his mother and she wanted her time with him. Pulling him away involved prying his fingers loose from my arms and hair, and then she eventually was able to take him back where he continued to cry. I felt badly for her that she spent that hour, which should have been special, trying to calm a screaming child while the caseworker observed.
Visits continued like that for several months until eventually they were moved to a psychologist's office and our family was then involved in the visits to make it more natural for Daniel. After close to a year of visits, Daniel began to cope in the visit. He was not necessarily relaxed or calm, but at least he was no longer screaming. However from the very beginning he would have reactions post-visit. That seems to be a common occurrence according to other foster parents. The post-visit reactions included clinginess, hyper-vigilance, sleeplessness, biting, headbanging, night terrors, fits of anger for no apparent reason. We pretty much knew to prepare ourselves for the difficult days that would follow a visit with his parent(s).
As Daniel began to cope better in the visit, his reactions following the visit started to get more intense and increase in duration. My grandmother observed one of his night terrors (which could happen day or night) and was shocked. My students observed the changes in his behavior as well. It was most apparent when there was a suspension of visits during a period of time before the judge ordered them to begin again. The progress he made during the suspension was completely disrupted and he had extreme regression when the visits resumed.
During this time sleep was a luxury. I can't count the times we were up with Daniel at night or walking up and down the halls with him trying to calm him down. Looking back I don't know how I did it, but it took its toll physically and emotionally. I lost so much weight my clothes were getting big and people thought I had health issues or eating disorders!
Thankfully the little 14 month old we have now did not have the same negative experience in his visit with his mother today. When he came back to our home he seemed pretty normal--compared to how Daniel was. But when bedtime came, the toddler was very wound up. As I was holding him, trying to help him relax and sleep I thought "oh no, here we go again!" I could not imagine doing a repeat of Daniel's situation. I reminded myself that this won't be a repeat. Things are different, this baby seems to have a positive bond with his mother, and chances are good that he will go back to her.
When I look back at the early years with Daniel I am amazed that we all survived. All I can conclude is that God poured out His grace and strength to do His will. If I had known how hard that part would be I might not have said yes! But His grace was sufficient and we all came through.
Daniel had consistently reacted negatively to his mother and often spent most of the visit crying. It was no different when I went that first time. I carried him into the lobby and as soon as he saw her he turned away and began whimpering. When the time came for her to take him back to the visiting rooms he began clinging to me and wailing loudly. It was very, very awkward. I was torn between wanting to comfort him and yet respecting the fact that she was his mother and she wanted her time with him. Pulling him away involved prying his fingers loose from my arms and hair, and then she eventually was able to take him back where he continued to cry. I felt badly for her that she spent that hour, which should have been special, trying to calm a screaming child while the caseworker observed.
Visits continued like that for several months until eventually they were moved to a psychologist's office and our family was then involved in the visits to make it more natural for Daniel. After close to a year of visits, Daniel began to cope in the visit. He was not necessarily relaxed or calm, but at least he was no longer screaming. However from the very beginning he would have reactions post-visit. That seems to be a common occurrence according to other foster parents. The post-visit reactions included clinginess, hyper-vigilance, sleeplessness, biting, headbanging, night terrors, fits of anger for no apparent reason. We pretty much knew to prepare ourselves for the difficult days that would follow a visit with his parent(s).
As Daniel began to cope better in the visit, his reactions following the visit started to get more intense and increase in duration. My grandmother observed one of his night terrors (which could happen day or night) and was shocked. My students observed the changes in his behavior as well. It was most apparent when there was a suspension of visits during a period of time before the judge ordered them to begin again. The progress he made during the suspension was completely disrupted and he had extreme regression when the visits resumed.
During this time sleep was a luxury. I can't count the times we were up with Daniel at night or walking up and down the halls with him trying to calm him down. Looking back I don't know how I did it, but it took its toll physically and emotionally. I lost so much weight my clothes were getting big and people thought I had health issues or eating disorders!
Thankfully the little 14 month old we have now did not have the same negative experience in his visit with his mother today. When he came back to our home he seemed pretty normal--compared to how Daniel was. But when bedtime came, the toddler was very wound up. As I was holding him, trying to help him relax and sleep I thought "oh no, here we go again!" I could not imagine doing a repeat of Daniel's situation. I reminded myself that this won't be a repeat. Things are different, this baby seems to have a positive bond with his mother, and chances are good that he will go back to her.
When I look back at the early years with Daniel I am amazed that we all survived. All I can conclude is that God poured out His grace and strength to do His will. If I had known how hard that part would be I might not have said yes! But His grace was sufficient and we all came through.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Our household has finally started to settle into a routine....sort of. It's been crazy to put a 14 month old boy into the mix! Daniel has finally accepted him and admitted that he will miss him when he is gone. God has done a work in Daniel's heart thanks to prayer and I have seen big changes in him with sharing and showing thoughtfulness.
The first couple of days the little man was here I was pretty detached and determined that I would not get my heart too involved with this child. But, I have a big heart and it didn't take long for me to start loving this little man. Yeah I think we will all miss him when he is gone.
So tomorrow is the day we find out whether the court will keep him in custody or whether they will determine that, based on the investigation, he will be returned to his mother. I'm praying God's will. In many ways his case reminds me of Daniel's, but with Daniel's case we knew so much more in the first few days. This time around, we have so little information that I have no opinion on the matter. I just want the Little Man to be safe.
Sometimes I stop and think "am I really involved in fostering again?!? Crazy?!?!" but playing with these two boys totally makes it worth it. I'm tired, but happy.
The first couple of days the little man was here I was pretty detached and determined that I would not get my heart too involved with this child. But, I have a big heart and it didn't take long for me to start loving this little man. Yeah I think we will all miss him when he is gone.
So tomorrow is the day we find out whether the court will keep him in custody or whether they will determine that, based on the investigation, he will be returned to his mother. I'm praying God's will. In many ways his case reminds me of Daniel's, but with Daniel's case we knew so much more in the first few days. This time around, we have so little information that I have no opinion on the matter. I just want the Little Man to be safe.
Sometimes I stop and think "am I really involved in fostering again?!? Crazy?!?!" but playing with these two boys totally makes it worth it. I'm tired, but happy.
Friday, January 11, 2013
end of the week reflections
Little man slept through the night last night, which made for a much better day today. After our homeschool co-op this morning and nap time in the early afternoon I took both boys to a park to play and then out for frozen yogurt while my mom caught up on her business! I was happy the day was going so well....until it started to go downhill again. Little man got impatient for dinner, and Daniel got tired of hearing screeching. Poor Daniel has decided he has no use for a toddler and he is really struggling with his feelings.
I tried to explain to him that Little Man just needs love for now. He needs a safe and loving home until they decide that it's time for him to go back to his own mama. Daniel still feels threatened and worried.
And me...well I heard a statement tonight that is sticking with me. I don't need to be doing things for God, but doing things IN God. I don't really think of fostering as something I'm doing for God, but even so I need to do it in God, with God; because a part from Him I don't have the wisdom to guide Daniel through this situation.
Last night I was just reflecting on life. I probably could go live and work in an orphanage and be pretty happy. Give me a baby to hold and I'm content. But that's likely not going to be happening. I don't see myself going overseas and I don't believe that Daniel would thrive. He craves stability and has expressed the desire for a bigger family with two parents and siblings--although he's getting a dose of reality with a toddler in the house!
But here I am with one adopted child and now getting back into fostering for however long it may last. And sometimes I wonder why I had to do things so differently. I'm not regretting it at all but couldn't I have done life the way most people do life? I mean even now, it's in me to care for little ones again and I can't help that I have a heart for abused kids....but sometimes I feel so different. I just can't turn my heart off though....
And now, I will hope that everyone sleeps tonight because it's going to be a busy weekend and who knows what next week will hold.
I tried to explain to him that Little Man just needs love for now. He needs a safe and loving home until they decide that it's time for him to go back to his own mama. Daniel still feels threatened and worried.
And me...well I heard a statement tonight that is sticking with me. I don't need to be doing things for God, but doing things IN God. I don't really think of fostering as something I'm doing for God, but even so I need to do it in God, with God; because a part from Him I don't have the wisdom to guide Daniel through this situation.
Last night I was just reflecting on life. I probably could go live and work in an orphanage and be pretty happy. Give me a baby to hold and I'm content. But that's likely not going to be happening. I don't see myself going overseas and I don't believe that Daniel would thrive. He craves stability and has expressed the desire for a bigger family with two parents and siblings--although he's getting a dose of reality with a toddler in the house!
But here I am with one adopted child and now getting back into fostering for however long it may last. And sometimes I wonder why I had to do things so differently. I'm not regretting it at all but couldn't I have done life the way most people do life? I mean even now, it's in me to care for little ones again and I can't help that I have a heart for abused kids....but sometimes I feel so different. I just can't turn my heart off though....
And now, I will hope that everyone sleeps tonight because it's going to be a busy weekend and who knows what next week will hold.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Well today I figured out I am not a foster parent saint. I am tired. I am slightly overwhelmed. And I get impatient I confess.
Little one year old boy came with very little notice on Tuesday night. He is cute. He is fun. I love, love, love, babies and kiddos so I enjoyed him a lot at first. Who can not love a grinning little man?
Daniel rose to the occasion of being "big brother" and was super helpful and tried to entertain the little guy (even though he would have rather had an older boy here)
My mom ("Mimi") was of course just as eager as I to play with him and be a warm, welcoming home.
Well by today, Daniel was tired of his screaming. We were tired of the little guy not sleeping. He cried a lot last night. My mom was the wonderful one who got up with him (I sleep through almost anything.) The dog, Bailey, was feeling a little left out and was chewing on things. It all disintegrated into chaos.
I am back to teaching this week and so I have been adjusting to what was going to be going back to "normal"...except that it is far from normal.
So I just remembered that fostering is super hard. Now that Daniel is sleeping well and knows how to let me "sleep in" on Saturday, and he is getting big and helpful and all those wonderful things, I forgot how much work a toddler is! Help God. But I am enjoying hugging him, carrying him, and playing with him!
His case is new so everything could change in a few days; he could very well be moved. I feel so badly for him...I was rocking him tonight and thinking how scary it must be for him to be away from his mama. No wonder he's not sleeping. It brought back memories of all the nights Daniel didn't sleep. I hate to think of his future if he stays in the foster system too long or starts getting shuffled around. Hopefully things can be resolved quickly and safely for his sake.
In the mean time my mom, Daniel, and I had a little conference tonight after the little one was in bed to remind ourselves that we would love him (and ask God to help us when it was hard) and pray God's best for him. And maybe tonight God would help him to sleep. Please!
Little one year old boy came with very little notice on Tuesday night. He is cute. He is fun. I love, love, love, babies and kiddos so I enjoyed him a lot at first. Who can not love a grinning little man?
Daniel rose to the occasion of being "big brother" and was super helpful and tried to entertain the little guy (even though he would have rather had an older boy here)
My mom ("Mimi") was of course just as eager as I to play with him and be a warm, welcoming home.
Well by today, Daniel was tired of his screaming. We were tired of the little guy not sleeping. He cried a lot last night. My mom was the wonderful one who got up with him (I sleep through almost anything.) The dog, Bailey, was feeling a little left out and was chewing on things. It all disintegrated into chaos.
I am back to teaching this week and so I have been adjusting to what was going to be going back to "normal"...except that it is far from normal.
So I just remembered that fostering is super hard. Now that Daniel is sleeping well and knows how to let me "sleep in" on Saturday, and he is getting big and helpful and all those wonderful things, I forgot how much work a toddler is! Help God. But I am enjoying hugging him, carrying him, and playing with him!
His case is new so everything could change in a few days; he could very well be moved. I feel so badly for him...I was rocking him tonight and thinking how scary it must be for him to be away from his mama. No wonder he's not sleeping. It brought back memories of all the nights Daniel didn't sleep. I hate to think of his future if he stays in the foster system too long or starts getting shuffled around. Hopefully things can be resolved quickly and safely for his sake.
In the mean time my mom, Daniel, and I had a little conference tonight after the little one was in bed to remind ourselves that we would love him (and ask God to help us when it was hard) and pray God's best for him. And maybe tonight God would help him to sleep. Please!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
My confession: I hate waiting. Daniel and I have this in common. It is nearly impossible to tell him there's going to be a surprise because he goes crazy with anticipation. In fact if I have a surprise for him I don't tell him because he can't handle the waiting!
During 2006 our family was a foster home for therapeutic children (I talk about it a little here.)We worked with the Bair Foundation and did respite for most of that year, primarily for teenage girls. Towards the end of 2006 we had decided that we were ready to have a placement for longer than just respite. There was one woman at Bair who was trying really hard to place one younger child in our home. At least three times she thought she had a child and she would call to give us info; we would think about it, say yes, start preparing...and then she would call back to say that the child's worker already had a different placement. I so remember that pattern of anticipation and then let down. My big desire at that time was to give a child a home for however long he/she needed one.
In 2007 when we decided to work directly with DHS and leave Bair we had no idea how long it would be before a child would be placed. At that time the Laura Dester shelter was almost always full to capacity. Often when I went there would be toddler beds and cribs filling the rooms. So when the DHS worker called the morning that we were to sign the papers and said she wanted to bring a baby we said yes, but I think in the back of my mind I wondered if it would be like it had been in the past where plans would change. This time though, the baby, Daniel, really came and life changed dramatically!
Fast forward to the end of 2012 and much to my great surprise I found myself ready to give fostering a try again. Or at least be open to the idea. By December of 2012 we had come into contact with a child at the shelter who seemed like he could fit into our family (not for adoption but for however long he needed a home....at least to get out of the shelter) We were excited at the possibility and began praying that he would be put into the right place. He had already been in the shelter for nearly four months and really needed to be in a home and have therapy for some of his needs. Within days his caseworker moved him out of the shelter and into a home in another town where he would have access to very specific therapy. Well after that anticipation it seemed that it was not God's will that he be here but perhaps our paths crossed so that he would have the prayers over his little life and maybe those prayers helped to move him into a good situation.
A few weeks went by and on January 3rd, 2013, our worker called and said there was a young boy who was being released from the hospital after receiving injuries from abuse and could we take him. He would have been close to Daniel's age and after hearing some of his story of course we were moved with compassion. Daniel agreed to having him come stay here and was willing to let this boy use the extra bed in his room (that was at the moment being used as a fort!) We were expecting that we were going to pick him up from the hospital on Thursday evening so we began to get his bed ready. The caseworker called several more times, each time with an update and changing information. By evening he was apparently going to be kept in the hospital one more night and we would have to wait until the next day, Friday, to know if he was coming or not. It looked like he might instead be going to a relative's house but no one was really sure. In the mean time we could pray. So in our night time prayers with Daniel we prayed for "James" that God's will would be done in his life and he would be kept safe and placed into the best possible situation.
Friday came and there was no word on him. All day long I was hoping the phone would ring; the bed was ready and waiting. By evening, no word from the caseworker but a different caseworker had told us that she didn't know what was happening with him but it had been a really bad situation and he needed prayer. That night I was at a prayer meeting still thinking about him; my mom texted me with an update that he was still in the hospital but would be released to a relative. I was disappointed but I figured that God must have wanted us to pray for him.
Part of me feels ready to love another child but I'm in the waiting process again. Perhaps there will not be a child placed here and if that's the case I'm okay with that; God may have something completely different. My days are full with Daniel and we have our own challenges to still work through. But I'm willing. And maybe some of these children just need some people to pray for them and they will only be a name that I will lift up to God.
In my room I have a little wooden plaque that was painted by a child at the Laura Dester shelter it reads
During 2006 our family was a foster home for therapeutic children (I talk about it a little here.)We worked with the Bair Foundation and did respite for most of that year, primarily for teenage girls. Towards the end of 2006 we had decided that we were ready to have a placement for longer than just respite. There was one woman at Bair who was trying really hard to place one younger child in our home. At least three times she thought she had a child and she would call to give us info; we would think about it, say yes, start preparing...and then she would call back to say that the child's worker already had a different placement. I so remember that pattern of anticipation and then let down. My big desire at that time was to give a child a home for however long he/she needed one.
In 2007 when we decided to work directly with DHS and leave Bair we had no idea how long it would be before a child would be placed. At that time the Laura Dester shelter was almost always full to capacity. Often when I went there would be toddler beds and cribs filling the rooms. So when the DHS worker called the morning that we were to sign the papers and said she wanted to bring a baby we said yes, but I think in the back of my mind I wondered if it would be like it had been in the past where plans would change. This time though, the baby, Daniel, really came and life changed dramatically!
Fast forward to the end of 2012 and much to my great surprise I found myself ready to give fostering a try again. Or at least be open to the idea. By December of 2012 we had come into contact with a child at the shelter who seemed like he could fit into our family (not for adoption but for however long he needed a home....at least to get out of the shelter) We were excited at the possibility and began praying that he would be put into the right place. He had already been in the shelter for nearly four months and really needed to be in a home and have therapy for some of his needs. Within days his caseworker moved him out of the shelter and into a home in another town where he would have access to very specific therapy. Well after that anticipation it seemed that it was not God's will that he be here but perhaps our paths crossed so that he would have the prayers over his little life and maybe those prayers helped to move him into a good situation.
A few weeks went by and on January 3rd, 2013, our worker called and said there was a young boy who was being released from the hospital after receiving injuries from abuse and could we take him. He would have been close to Daniel's age and after hearing some of his story of course we were moved with compassion. Daniel agreed to having him come stay here and was willing to let this boy use the extra bed in his room (that was at the moment being used as a fort!) We were expecting that we were going to pick him up from the hospital on Thursday evening so we began to get his bed ready. The caseworker called several more times, each time with an update and changing information. By evening he was apparently going to be kept in the hospital one more night and we would have to wait until the next day, Friday, to know if he was coming or not. It looked like he might instead be going to a relative's house but no one was really sure. In the mean time we could pray. So in our night time prayers with Daniel we prayed for "James" that God's will would be done in his life and he would be kept safe and placed into the best possible situation.
Friday came and there was no word on him. All day long I was hoping the phone would ring; the bed was ready and waiting. By evening, no word from the caseworker but a different caseworker had told us that she didn't know what was happening with him but it had been a really bad situation and he needed prayer. That night I was at a prayer meeting still thinking about him; my mom texted me with an update that he was still in the hospital but would be released to a relative. I was disappointed but I figured that God must have wanted us to pray for him.
Part of me feels ready to love another child but I'm in the waiting process again. Perhaps there will not be a child placed here and if that's the case I'm okay with that; God may have something completely different. My days are full with Daniel and we have our own challenges to still work through. But I'm willing. And maybe some of these children just need some people to pray for them and they will only be a name that I will lift up to God.
In my room I have a little wooden plaque that was painted by a child at the Laura Dester shelter it reads
One hundred years from now....
It will not matter what my bank account was,
the sort of house I lived in,
or the kind of car I drove
But the world may be different because I was important
in the life of a child.
So whether it's parenting, mentoring, praying for, playing with, or just being kind to a child I guess I'll just continue to walk one day at a time and see what God will do.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
the end.
The grueling trial week was drawing to a close. I sat in the courtroom the end of the day, Thursday during one witness on behalf of Daniel's mother at the end of the day. She had been "Maria's" teacher for her parenting classes. I thought she did well as a witness and that the Assistant District Attorney was effective in his cross-examination. Now that I was sitting in the court room as an observer I had time to study the jurors.
Out of six jurors, if I remember correctly, there were three men and three women. All were white and ranged in age from maybe early twenties to fifties. They all seemed to listen intently but kept expressionless faces. It had to be quite an experience for them all, especially the youngest guy who looked like he was barely out of high school.
Friday morning, Maria's attorney would call a witness and then she would take the stand. I would be home with Daniel waiting for updates from my mom. The first witness blamed DHS for not helping Maria get Daniel back. She said that they failed to make a treatment plan that she could understand. (On the contrary i thought that DHS and the judge did everything they could do give her every opportunity to have Daniel back in her care.) In addition she too was suffering from PTSD from stress and trauma in her own life and this whole situation was making it worse.
After Daniel's mother's testimony, court recessed for lunch. When we reconvened it would be time for closing arguments. A friend was coming to stay with Daniel and I planned to be there for the closing arguments and verdict.
When I got to court, it was pretty full already. The two caseworkers sitting in front of me were talking about how Maria's attorney had practically started yelling at her during her testimony. He seemed to be falling apart and feeling stressed. The sheriffs who worked at the courthouse whom we had seen so many times before came in to observe. I found out later that a lot of people knew about and were following Daniel's case. As one foster mother recently told me "it was the case of the year!" I believe it.
The Assistant District Attorney and Daniel's public defender both gave closing arguments, then the attorney for Daniel's mother gave his. The contrast was noticeable. Maria's attorney seemed desperate. He tried to paint Maria as the victim (and I don't doubt that she suffered through the 1.5 years), but in his efforts he made it obvious that there was agreement among many parties that it was in Daniel's best interest that her rights be terminated. In contrast, both the ADA and PD gave very powerful closing arguments. I was impressed with their skill and command of the courtroom. At the conclusion the judge gave the jurors their instructions and we were dismissed to wait.
In the lobby, Maria and her attorney and interpreter went to the upper level to wait. I was extremely nervous but I stayed in the lower level with Daniel's attorneys, CASA, DHS worker, my mom and we joked and laughed--trying to diffuse our nerves I suppose. During this time I sent out a text to many friends asking for prayer as the jurors were deliberating.
It was within an hour I believe that we were all called back in. I felt sick with nervousness. Within a few minutes my future was going to change in one way or another. Daniel's mother was visibly nervous as well. She was sitting at a table in the front of the court room with all the attorneys and her interpreter. The rest of us were sitting on the benches in the back part of the room.
The jurors filed in and I'm sure all of us were trying to read their expressions or make eye contact. their faces were expressionless and they refused to make eye contact with anyone. The suspense in the court room was heavy.
After the preliminaries, the judge asked the jury foreman to read their verdict. He was a youngish, red-headed man, had a wedding band and looked like a family man. My mom grabbed my hand. As he read that the parental rights of Maria should be terminated I saw CASA and the DHS workers around me exchange glances as I exhaled and felt limp. I looked up at Maria....she was sitting facing the jury with her profile to me. I saw one tear roll down her cheek; and then another tear that followed the first one. This was the end of a journey for both of us.
After a few more formalities the court was dismissed and we began to file out. I didn't speak with Maria after exiting the court room. I don't think anyone knew what to say anyway. My mom and I were pulled off to the side with the attorney, CASA, and caseworker who were feeling relieved and happy. At this point I felt little emotion. In my journal entry I stated I felt "numb." The attorney mentioned that Daniel's mother had 30 days in which to file an appeal and that the court would set another hearing to determine a permanency plan for Daniel.
As we moved closer to the exit of the building, I watched Daniel's mother walk out to the parking lot alone. It was her 26th birthday that Friday, August 28th. I truly felt compassion for her. And it wasn't that I thought that Daniel should go back to her. The jury heard all the evidence and agreed on the verdict. It was right and best for Daniel, and by that time I think that even if Daniel had gone back to her it would not have been what she had hoped for. There was too much baggage and very little positive connection between her and Daniel. But it was still sad.
We still have notebooks of court reports, logs, doctor and psychologist reports from those months but it has been a long time since I have looked at them. I wanted to start writing some of this story so that I wouldn't forget. It has been somewhat haphazard and there are large gaps I still need to fill in. It was a hard, hard journey for all of us--our family, Daniel's parents, the attorneys, CASA, DHS, and most of all Daniel. At the conclusion of the trial we hoped that Daniel's mother could move forward and heal and start a new life. We hoped that Daniel could begin to move forward and begin to heal from PTSD. The day after the trial we were nearly sick with exhaustion. It was crazy but apparently the stress had been building for months.
The end of the trial meant that Daniel was still in DHS custody. A permanency plan still needed to be determined, an adoption worker would be assigned. It was the end of this part of the journey but it was not over yet.
I've been pulling out old journals, reading my entries from those months. I hope to eventually fill in some more of this story, "the case of the year", in future posts.
Out of six jurors, if I remember correctly, there were three men and three women. All were white and ranged in age from maybe early twenties to fifties. They all seemed to listen intently but kept expressionless faces. It had to be quite an experience for them all, especially the youngest guy who looked like he was barely out of high school.
Friday morning, Maria's attorney would call a witness and then she would take the stand. I would be home with Daniel waiting for updates from my mom. The first witness blamed DHS for not helping Maria get Daniel back. She said that they failed to make a treatment plan that she could understand. (On the contrary i thought that DHS and the judge did everything they could do give her every opportunity to have Daniel back in her care.) In addition she too was suffering from PTSD from stress and trauma in her own life and this whole situation was making it worse.
After Daniel's mother's testimony, court recessed for lunch. When we reconvened it would be time for closing arguments. A friend was coming to stay with Daniel and I planned to be there for the closing arguments and verdict.
When I got to court, it was pretty full already. The two caseworkers sitting in front of me were talking about how Maria's attorney had practically started yelling at her during her testimony. He seemed to be falling apart and feeling stressed. The sheriffs who worked at the courthouse whom we had seen so many times before came in to observe. I found out later that a lot of people knew about and were following Daniel's case. As one foster mother recently told me "it was the case of the year!" I believe it.
The Assistant District Attorney and Daniel's public defender both gave closing arguments, then the attorney for Daniel's mother gave his. The contrast was noticeable. Maria's attorney seemed desperate. He tried to paint Maria as the victim (and I don't doubt that she suffered through the 1.5 years), but in his efforts he made it obvious that there was agreement among many parties that it was in Daniel's best interest that her rights be terminated. In contrast, both the ADA and PD gave very powerful closing arguments. I was impressed with their skill and command of the courtroom. At the conclusion the judge gave the jurors their instructions and we were dismissed to wait.
In the lobby, Maria and her attorney and interpreter went to the upper level to wait. I was extremely nervous but I stayed in the lower level with Daniel's attorneys, CASA, DHS worker, my mom and we joked and laughed--trying to diffuse our nerves I suppose. During this time I sent out a text to many friends asking for prayer as the jurors were deliberating.
It was within an hour I believe that we were all called back in. I felt sick with nervousness. Within a few minutes my future was going to change in one way or another. Daniel's mother was visibly nervous as well. She was sitting at a table in the front of the court room with all the attorneys and her interpreter. The rest of us were sitting on the benches in the back part of the room.
The jurors filed in and I'm sure all of us were trying to read their expressions or make eye contact. their faces were expressionless and they refused to make eye contact with anyone. The suspense in the court room was heavy.
After the preliminaries, the judge asked the jury foreman to read their verdict. He was a youngish, red-headed man, had a wedding band and looked like a family man. My mom grabbed my hand. As he read that the parental rights of Maria should be terminated I saw CASA and the DHS workers around me exchange glances as I exhaled and felt limp. I looked up at Maria....she was sitting facing the jury with her profile to me. I saw one tear roll down her cheek; and then another tear that followed the first one. This was the end of a journey for both of us.
After a few more formalities the court was dismissed and we began to file out. I didn't speak with Maria after exiting the court room. I don't think anyone knew what to say anyway. My mom and I were pulled off to the side with the attorney, CASA, and caseworker who were feeling relieved and happy. At this point I felt little emotion. In my journal entry I stated I felt "numb." The attorney mentioned that Daniel's mother had 30 days in which to file an appeal and that the court would set another hearing to determine a permanency plan for Daniel.
As we moved closer to the exit of the building, I watched Daniel's mother walk out to the parking lot alone. It was her 26th birthday that Friday, August 28th. I truly felt compassion for her. And it wasn't that I thought that Daniel should go back to her. The jury heard all the evidence and agreed on the verdict. It was right and best for Daniel, and by that time I think that even if Daniel had gone back to her it would not have been what she had hoped for. There was too much baggage and very little positive connection between her and Daniel. But it was still sad.
We still have notebooks of court reports, logs, doctor and psychologist reports from those months but it has been a long time since I have looked at them. I wanted to start writing some of this story so that I wouldn't forget. It has been somewhat haphazard and there are large gaps I still need to fill in. It was a hard, hard journey for all of us--our family, Daniel's parents, the attorneys, CASA, DHS, and most of all Daniel. At the conclusion of the trial we hoped that Daniel's mother could move forward and heal and start a new life. We hoped that Daniel could begin to move forward and begin to heal from PTSD. The day after the trial we were nearly sick with exhaustion. It was crazy but apparently the stress had been building for months.
The end of the trial meant that Daniel was still in DHS custody. A permanency plan still needed to be determined, an adoption worker would be assigned. It was the end of this part of the journey but it was not over yet.
I've been pulling out old journals, reading my entries from those months. I hope to eventually fill in some more of this story, "the case of the year", in future posts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)