Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Some days I feel very alone, kinda scared, and a bit overwhelmed by an unknown future.

And then I remember Jesus' words "I am with you always even until the end of the age..." and I tell myself that everything is going to be okay because Jesus is with me. Everyday. Every moment. In every uncertainty I feel and in every decision I have to make.

Most of the time I don't want anyone to know I feel that way....I'd rather be oh, capable and strong. I have a hard time asking for help, and often try to do so much by myself that I can wear myself out! (maybe not unlike a child?)  Sometimes even to rely on God is a major battle, though I believe that he wants me to accept my limitations, learn that it's okay to be weak at times, and then trust Him.

There are days that I wish that I could just see the future just so I would know that it's all going to be okay.
"I am with you..." He is with me now, at this very moment and that is all that matters.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

If I could do it over again....

For some reason recently I had this memory just come out of nowhere.

A few years ago I was in line at the grocery story behind an elderly man. I was waiting as the cashier rang up all of his groceries. When she finished and gave the total price he handed her his Access card (welfare.) She swiped the card and informed him that the balance on the card would not cover all of his groceries.
He didn't have a lot in his basket as it was. It wasn't overflowing with abundant food, but it must have been towards the end of the month when the card balance was depleted. Thus he began the task of eliminating some of his purchases.
As I was waiting and watching I thought to myself, "I could offer to pay the difference...." This was my chance to be a blessing. It was really only the difference of a few dollars and I had those few dollars in my wallet.
Then I began to reason and I stopped. And this is where I have regrets.
I decided that since he had a few frivolous purchases in his basket (like ice cream) it was not my responsibility to pay for frivolous purchases. After all he was taking out the "real" food and leaving the ice cream in his basket. Whatever possessed me to reason this way I don't know. Does someone who is poor not deserve some fun treats? Why did I set myself up as the health police?
I know all about not giving handouts to people who are just going to waste it on drugs or alcohol but when I think back on that incident I feel so badly and embarrassed at my attitude.

I don't know why this memory from a few years ago came into my thoughts last week, except that I prayed that I might have another opportunity to bless a stranger. And I hope I am paying attention when God answers that prayer!