Yesterday I visited the Laura Dester shelter, the place where children are placed when they are removed from their parents before they are placed in a foster home, a group home, or returned back to their family. I volunteered there regularly during my late teens and early twenties. I did some volunteering with teenagers--a girls' choir which was pretty much a flop due to the ever changing population (and my inexperience!) and an etiquette class (life skills). Eventually though I found my place volunteering in "the little house" with babies/toddlers/elementary aged children. It was at that little house that my heart was captured and I decided that I wanted to work with abused and neglected children.

It had been at least 5 years since I had been to the shelter. It is in a new location now, more spacious, more security. I went to visit one specific child and yeah, my heart was stirred again.

After leaving juvenile court for the last time in August of 2010 and having our home closed soon after that, I said I would never again do fostering. It was too hard, too stressful. The system was broken. I never wanted to see a judge, caseworker, attorney, or the DHS building again. My heart was closed and there were plenty of other people who would get involved. It was time for me to more forward in life, and after spending the majority of my twenties getting sucked into a super complicated case, I was done and ready to live my life again. I was also so much wiser in how HARD it really is to work with foster children and how much love, grace, and patience it required. Sure it's possible to see a child healed but I realized that the majority of the time foster and adoptive parents don't live a life filled with warm fuzzies and Hallmark moments! they do exist but often it's mixed in with a lot of chaos and messy moments.

Eventually I realized that maybe I missed it just a little. Perhaps I would be suited to CASA or maybe eventually if I got married and lived a "normal" life for a while I could think about adopting or somehow getting involved. But that would be way down the road. A long ways down the road.

Recently I a friend told me that he heard I was wanting to adopt again. I laughed at that rumor. It truly was an absurd rumor because no, as a single person I was not looking to adopt. But the truth was that we were in process of having our home reopened for fostering--and for fostering only! It has been a very slow process because we kept changing our minds about whether it was the right thing, the right time, and a good thing for Daniel. Usually while I am thinking about something I am not one to share my thoughts and feelings with a lot of people. I might tell a few people but keep things pretty quiet until I am pretty sure of something. So thinking about fostering is something that had been on my mind for several months. It is one thing I was especially cautious of talking about because reactions from people are varied and sometimes I'd just rather keep things quiet!

So now with the process basically complete I still sometimes have hesitations, mainly because it is hard. And takes sacrifice. I know now that it takes way more human love than I have. It's easy to see a cute kid and feel overwhelming feelings of love and compassion but that fades pretty quickly once a child starts acting out and that is when only God's supernatural love is strong enough to last. Now I realize just how important it is to have God's grace and to rely on Him. Even that is a struggle for me because relying on Someone else does not come easily for me. But I am not strong enough to consistently love a hurting child by myself. Not nearly strong enough. It has to be a God thing. I remember weekends with teenage girls where I had reached the end of my love. They could be tough, needy, and just plain annoying. And one weekend having one of the girls get into my makeup and leave a big mess in the bathroom just proved to me how very little patience I really had!

Well, my heart is open again--with a little cautiousness--and now I wait to see what God will do. Maybe something, maybe nothing, maybe the unexpected...but I'm finally willing to see.

One.

As a teenager, my plan for my life was to get married when I was 21 and then by the time I was 30 I would have about 3, maybe 4 kids. Yeah, I had it all planned out!

21 came and went and I didn't meet Mr Right, but I muddled around in college a little trying to figure out "what I was going to be when I grew up."

During that time I started volunteering on a regular basis at the children's shelter in my city. I loved it. I love children and was absolutely delighted to rock babies and play with toddlers. I became interested in fostering and finally found a direction for education. I would foster and work on a degree so that I could be a therapist working with abused kids. My goals were clarified, and now I dreamed of helping lots of children....fostering, adopting, therapy, advocating.

In 2007 I started fostering a baby (Daniel) and continued to slowly work on a degree. I graduated in 2010 and adopted Daniel that same year.

One child. Life right now is so different than what I pictured it would be. I had planned to have lots of children--biological, fostered, adopted....and today I have one child.

That's not to say that someday I might still have more children...whether biological or adopted or both...I don't know. (Daniel is hoping so!) But for today God has asked me to invest in one.

And I have tried to give that one 100% as best I can. When his attachment seems shaky I try to be patient and spend one on one time to strengthen his trust and security. I remember one time when he was a toddler and he was trying to talk and show me things for what seemed like the hundredth time. It was so tempting to be impatient or bored but I reminded myself that I was investing into the future. If I can lay a good foundation now while he is young, then I believe it will pay off when he is older. I spent a year doing pretty intense therapy with him.....until I was so tired that I had to take a break!
 Sometimes one can take so much energy. We've considered fostering again. A year ago I planned to begin volunteering as a CASA--Court Appointed Special Advocate--working on behalf of a child in DHS custody. I've considered volunteering at the shelter again. And each time I come back to the fact that Daniel is only 5. He's had 3 stable years now and it's not time for me to go out and spend a lot of hours helping other children--yet, even though part of my heart still wants to! I still do want to volunteer in CASA--even if it's when I'm 50! Or maybe go back for a master's degree someday and be a therapist. 
So on those days when I feel like I wish I could do so much more to change the world, I ask God to help me remember that one is important to Him. And maybe this one will go on to do great things. And maybe someday I will still have opportunity to reach more. But for today I hope I can be faithful to pray for, teach, and guide my one.

April 19, 2007

April 19, 2007. The day my life changed forever. It started with a phone call in the morning. The DHS worker had been scheduled to bring our contract to sign in the afternoon. She called to ask if she could bring a baby boy when she brought the contract. He had spent a couple of nights in the hospital because of bone fractures and had spent one night at the shelter. Because of his injuries they wanted to get him into a home right away. So sudden and unexpected. My mom asked if she could call back with an answer. Her big concern was that he might cry a lot if he was in pain and would he cry all night? We prayed and said, well why not?

April 19, 2007. The caseworker walked through the front door that afternoon, contract in one hand baby carrier in the other.

A beautiful baby boy sleeping peacefully with a pacifier. A naive 24 year old who had no idea what was in store. And a "mimi" who wasn't "Mimi" yet because the infant was too young for us to have to worry about titles. All three of us were facing one hard journey. Good thing we didn't know it at the time!

That day all we knew was the baby had injuries; his arm was in a makeshift sling thanks to the shelter staff. We scrambled to gather baby supplies and make sense of all the paperwork and what was happening.  He was scheduled to have an MRI and full body scan within the week in order to assess all the injuries.

The goal was reunification with his parents. We could expect to have him for 6 months-1 year. Still we had no idea what that involved and were completely clueless as to how the court and child welfare system functioned. Looking back I realize I was so naive!

April 24, 2007
It has been an absolute delight to have Daniel here...even though it is a lot of work :) He is such a beautiful baby and so much fun! Babies are so neat! I didn't realize how amazing and fun they are.

May 28, 2007
Having Daniel here is bittersweet. I love being with him and taking care of him. It's always in the back of my mind that I am going to give him up someday

DHS asks that foster parents keep "life books" for each child so that they can take it with them when they move to another placement or return to their parents. We took pictures and I began working on a book for him, keeping track of his developmental milestones and other fun things. At various times we gave pages to his biological mother as well as kept pages here. I had planned to write letters to Daniel that I would send with him so that he would have a record of how much I loved him even though I figured that if he moved after a year he wouldn't remember me. This was the first letter I composed:

May 9, 2007
Dear Daniel,

I just put you down for a nap after rocking you to sleep; you looked so peaceful and adorable! Tomorrow it will be three weeks that you have been in our home. 

It has been so much fun to watch you grow and change! In the short time that you have been here we have watched you learn to suck your fingers, hold things, start to laugh, and kick your arms and legs.

I love to sit and "talk" with you and see you smile and laugh. I also love to watch you when you start kicking and waving your arms so energetically!

I didn't know it was possible to love a little baby so much. I feel that through your life God is teaching me so much about His love, and that He's also going to continue to teach me about true, agape love. I know that God wants me to learn to love with the kind of love that wants what is best for someone else.

You are so special and so loved. I really believe God has great things for your life and every day I pray that God's purpose for your life will be fulfilled. The first weeks you were here, I prayed for you all those nights that I got up to feed you. I will always have good memories of those nights I fed you and prayed for you and sang to you :)

The next few months were a learning experience for sure. I hope to write more about it soon. But for now, I'm tired!

be it unto me...

The aspect of the Christmas story I have been contemplating this year is Mary. My thoughts began a couple of weeks ago when I got into a conversation about adoption with a woman I met, a friend of a friend. She was sharing about her family's pending adoption of a teenage boy. I briefly spoke of my adoption journey with Daniel. I found her response to Daniel's story amusing because it was something like, "wow! That is so neat! It just makes me think of Mary!" That was a laughable thought.

She went on to explain that just hearing what I told her of the last few years made her think of how perhaps Mary had completely different plans for her life, which did not include becoming pregnant with the Son of God. Yet Mary yielded to God's will and said, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be unto me according to your word.” (Luke 1:38)

Often when I talk about adoption people ask me if I have always had an interest in adoption. The short answer is no. While I wasn't opposed to it being a possibility in my life, I wasn't passionate about someday adopting.  I had never given it much thought prior to when I started the fostering training, and if I ever did consider adopting, I pictured it being way down the road after getting married.

When I was a senior in high school I used to fill out those time wasting surveys that would go around on email and one of the questions was usually something along the lines of "where do you see yourself in ten years?" I assure you when I pictured myself at 27, my picture did not include being in a difficult fostering situation trying to make decisions about adoption as a single person.

So I think about Mary--and I am in no way attempting to compare myself to Mary! But for some reason this year I have thought more about what she might have experienced both when she was carrying Jesus and through the years as he was growing up. Of course this is all speculation because the Bible doesn't give details on these matters. I imagine though that some people may have thought she was a little odd. There were probably those that didn't believe her story. She was likely misjudged, and I wonder if perhaps it continued throughout her life, especially if people thought her son--Jesus--was kind of strange by claiming to be the son of God.

I thought about how she was so young , betrothed to Joseph, probably looking forward to a happy future... and then the angel appeared and disrupted all those plans. And yet she set aside her will and her plans for God's plan. Could I have done what Mary did? I don't know. But I do know that I, like all Christians, am called to lay aside my will and plans for God's will throughout life.

I ventured into an unknown future when I said yes to Daniel. If I could go back to four years ago, I would make the same decisions even though it has meant sacrifice and some days of feeling overwhelmed.

Probably the biggest struggle for me is finding where I "fit" and knowing exactly how to integrate all the aspects of my life. I also find it a bit awkward when I meet new people--which has happened a lot since attending a new, large church....I get asked questions like "where does your husband work?" since people assume that having a child equals marriage. I obviously can't go through the whole last 4+ years in order to update people on my life story, nor do I want to say "well I'm a single person that adopted" when Daniel is standing right there. He knows he is adopted and he's got an amazing life story, but I don't want it to be his "label." Sometimes I wish I could just go around with a sign on my back saying "hello, I am an adoptive mother who went into fostering because I love children and wanted to help children in the foster system. Yes I am a single mother and Daniel is my only child. So we are a bit unconventional but variety is the spice of life. Thank you for your prayers and support." Then maybe I could avoid some discomfort on my part =)

So I said yes to God and even though Daniel can be a bundle of energy (sometimes naughty energy that wears me out!) I really have fun and I am crazy about him. My life is full and blessed and I feel especially grateful when I look at his peaceful sleeping face at night.

I hope that I can remember in each of the coming days to, like Mary, say yes to whatever God has planned even if it's a different path than what I thought.

mother's day reflections

This was the first Mother's Day where Daniel shared my last name, though I've been a mother-figure in his life for just over fours years now. I remember the first mother's day with him....he was just shy of four months old and I wasn't quite sure what my label as temporary mother/foster mother meant. At the time I had no idea what the future held. As far as I knew, his stay in our home would be probably not more than a year. So I was doing all the things a mother would--feeding him at night, changing diapers, rocking him, taking him to appointments, etc--but in my mind I wasn't really THE mother. My pastor preached an interesting and excellent sermon yesterday on what he called a "volunteer mother"--the mother that volunteers to act as a mother-figure whether the child is infant or teenager and for whatever length of time she is needed. I guess that would have described me.

I never set out to adopt. Certainly I never planned to adopt as a single person. I never decided to do foster parenting with the goal of adoption. Of course now I couldn't imagine life without Daniel. I never expected to experience all that I did in the courtroom, in the DHS building. When I received Daniel's file during the adoption process I couldn't even read most of the documents at first because of so many exhausting and stressful memories associated with the documented events. I never planned to be part of numerous court hearings, sitting in the witness box (not sure if that is even what it is called), spending days being sick to my stomach at the thought of having to be cross-examined. I never wanted to be part of another mother's pain or have to be perceived as an enemy even though I didn't want to be.

I felt blessed the day he was adopted and now we are moving on with life. There have been those who have probably misunderstood. We've gotten funny looks from people. We've had people be critical and I've felt at times that people think I am selfish or that I didn't make the best decision for Daniel. There have been words said that have hurt and caused me to question myself. But then those people don't know all that happened in those 3.5 years. Those people weren't up night after night with a child who endured much confusion and wouldn't, or couldn't, sleep. Those people weren't in a courtroom nearly two dozen times. I have to give grace to those people who maybe are just puzzled or misunderstand me, as well as those who are just downright critical. And then of course there have been many friends throughout the last few years who have offered prayers and practical support, perhaps maybe when they didn't really understand, and for that I am very grateful.

I have lots of prayers and hopes for Daniel. I dream big on his behalf and why not? He has had a lot to overcome, but if he's come this far, why not think that he could be a great missionary, president, inventor, or preacher?

Admittedly, mothering is not easy! I have gained much more respect and appreciation for my mom, since I wasn't always the model child! Now, I see how incredibly brave, selfless, and committed my mom was. I hope that I can have all those qualities in my life, and I'm trusting God for the future that it will be GOOD!

So this Mother's Day I am also thankful for my mom who has become "Mimi" to Daniel and who has been the greatest support to me. I certainly could not have walked this journey without her!

This is the front of the Mother's Day card that Daniel picked out for me! I got some good chuckles :-) Apparently he loved the picture of the puppy so much that he could not be dissuaded from this card!