One.

As a teenager, my plan for my life was to get married when I was 21 and then by the time I was 30 I would have about 3, maybe 4 kids. Yeah, I had it all planned out!

21 came and went and I didn't meet Mr Right, but I muddled around in college a little trying to figure out "what I was going to be when I grew up."

During that time I started volunteering on a regular basis at the children's shelter in my city. I loved it. I love children and was absolutely delighted to rock babies and play with toddlers. I became interested in fostering and finally found a direction for education. I would foster and work on a degree so that I could be a therapist working with abused kids. My goals were clarified, and now I dreamed of helping lots of children....fostering, adopting, therapy, advocating.

In 2007 I started fostering a baby (Daniel) and continued to slowly work on a degree. I graduated in 2010 and adopted Daniel that same year.

One child. Life right now is so different than what I pictured it would be. I had planned to have lots of children--biological, fostered, adopted....and today I have one child.

That's not to say that someday I might still have more children...whether biological or adopted or both...I don't know. (Daniel is hoping so!) But for today God has asked me to invest in one.

And I have tried to give that one 100% as best I can. When his attachment seems shaky I try to be patient and spend one on one time to strengthen his trust and security. I remember one time when he was a toddler and he was trying to talk and show me things for what seemed like the hundredth time. It was so tempting to be impatient or bored but I reminded myself that I was investing into the future. If I can lay a good foundation now while he is young, then I believe it will pay off when he is older. I spent a year doing pretty intense therapy with him.....until I was so tired that I had to take a break!
 Sometimes one can take so much energy. We've considered fostering again. A year ago I planned to begin volunteering as a CASA--Court Appointed Special Advocate--working on behalf of a child in DHS custody. I've considered volunteering at the shelter again. And each time I come back to the fact that Daniel is only 5. He's had 3 stable years now and it's not time for me to go out and spend a lot of hours helping other children--yet, even though part of my heart still wants to! I still do want to volunteer in CASA--even if it's when I'm 50! Or maybe go back for a master's degree someday and be a therapist. 
So on those days when I feel like I wish I could do so much more to change the world, I ask God to help me remember that one is important to Him. And maybe this one will go on to do great things. And maybe someday I will still have opportunity to reach more. But for today I hope I can be faithful to pray for, teach, and guide my one.

mother's day reflections

This was the first Mother's Day where Daniel shared my last name, though I've been a mother-figure in his life for just over fours years now. I remember the first mother's day with him....he was just shy of four months old and I wasn't quite sure what my label as temporary mother/foster mother meant. At the time I had no idea what the future held. As far as I knew, his stay in our home would be probably not more than a year. So I was doing all the things a mother would--feeding him at night, changing diapers, rocking him, taking him to appointments, etc--but in my mind I wasn't really THE mother. My pastor preached an interesting and excellent sermon yesterday on what he called a "volunteer mother"--the mother that volunteers to act as a mother-figure whether the child is infant or teenager and for whatever length of time she is needed. I guess that would have described me.

I never set out to adopt. Certainly I never planned to adopt as a single person. I never decided to do foster parenting with the goal of adoption. Of course now I couldn't imagine life without Daniel. I never expected to experience all that I did in the courtroom, in the DHS building. When I received Daniel's file during the adoption process I couldn't even read most of the documents at first because of so many exhausting and stressful memories associated with the documented events. I never planned to be part of numerous court hearings, sitting in the witness box (not sure if that is even what it is called), spending days being sick to my stomach at the thought of having to be cross-examined. I never wanted to be part of another mother's pain or have to be perceived as an enemy even though I didn't want to be.

I felt blessed the day he was adopted and now we are moving on with life. There have been those who have probably misunderstood. We've gotten funny looks from people. We've had people be critical and I've felt at times that people think I am selfish or that I didn't make the best decision for Daniel. There have been words said that have hurt and caused me to question myself. But then those people don't know all that happened in those 3.5 years. Those people weren't up night after night with a child who endured much confusion and wouldn't, or couldn't, sleep. Those people weren't in a courtroom nearly two dozen times. I have to give grace to those people who maybe are just puzzled or misunderstand me, as well as those who are just downright critical. And then of course there have been many friends throughout the last few years who have offered prayers and practical support, perhaps maybe when they didn't really understand, and for that I am very grateful.

I have lots of prayers and hopes for Daniel. I dream big on his behalf and why not? He has had a lot to overcome, but if he's come this far, why not think that he could be a great missionary, president, inventor, or preacher?

Admittedly, mothering is not easy! I have gained much more respect and appreciation for my mom, since I wasn't always the model child! Now, I see how incredibly brave, selfless, and committed my mom was. I hope that I can have all those qualities in my life, and I'm trusting God for the future that it will be GOOD!

So this Mother's Day I am also thankful for my mom who has become "Mimi" to Daniel and who has been the greatest support to me. I certainly could not have walked this journey without her!

This is the front of the Mother's Day card that Daniel picked out for me! I got some good chuckles :-) Apparently he loved the picture of the puppy so much that he could not be dissuaded from this card!