One.

As a teenager, my plan for my life was to get married when I was 21 and then by the time I was 30 I would have about 3, maybe 4 kids. Yeah, I had it all planned out!

21 came and went and I didn't meet Mr Right, but I muddled around in college a little trying to figure out "what I was going to be when I grew up."

During that time I started volunteering on a regular basis at the children's shelter in my city. I loved it. I love children and was absolutely delighted to rock babies and play with toddlers. I became interested in fostering and finally found a direction for education. I would foster and work on a degree so that I could be a therapist working with abused kids. My goals were clarified, and now I dreamed of helping lots of children....fostering, adopting, therapy, advocating.

In 2007 I started fostering a baby (Daniel) and continued to slowly work on a degree. I graduated in 2010 and adopted Daniel that same year.

One child. Life right now is so different than what I pictured it would be. I had planned to have lots of children--biological, fostered, adopted....and today I have one child.

That's not to say that someday I might still have more children...whether biological or adopted or both...I don't know. (Daniel is hoping so!) But for today God has asked me to invest in one.

And I have tried to give that one 100% as best I can. When his attachment seems shaky I try to be patient and spend one on one time to strengthen his trust and security. I remember one time when he was a toddler and he was trying to talk and show me things for what seemed like the hundredth time. It was so tempting to be impatient or bored but I reminded myself that I was investing into the future. If I can lay a good foundation now while he is young, then I believe it will pay off when he is older. I spent a year doing pretty intense therapy with him.....until I was so tired that I had to take a break!
 Sometimes one can take so much energy. We've considered fostering again. A year ago I planned to begin volunteering as a CASA--Court Appointed Special Advocate--working on behalf of a child in DHS custody. I've considered volunteering at the shelter again. And each time I come back to the fact that Daniel is only 5. He's had 3 stable years now and it's not time for me to go out and spend a lot of hours helping other children--yet, even though part of my heart still wants to! I still do want to volunteer in CASA--even if it's when I'm 50! Or maybe go back for a master's degree someday and be a therapist. 
So on those days when I feel like I wish I could do so much more to change the world, I ask God to help me remember that one is important to Him. And maybe this one will go on to do great things. And maybe someday I will still have opportunity to reach more. But for today I hope I can be faithful to pray for, teach, and guide my one.

and life goes on

We spent several days prepping for a garage sale which he had last weekend.  In the process I had to sort through Daniel's baby and toddler items. Whatever was left I posted on Craigslist ::sigh:: it put me in a sentimental mood, realizing how quickly time is passing and taking me back again to memories of his baby and toddler days.

As trite as it sounds, it really seems like yesterday that Daniel was a baby. And yet it also seems so long ago since much of the events occurring during that time have been pushed out of my mind.

Allan's case took several weeks to be transferred to the appropriate DHS department--to a permanency planning caseworker. During that time we attempted to settle into a routine, read through his case file, and figure out what we were doing!!!

By June, when Daniel was 5 months old, we had met the permanency planning worker. He would be creating a plan for the biological parents to complete in order for Daniel to be returned to their custody. He also established a plan for supervised visitation between Daniel and his biological parents at the DHS office.

Under pediatrician's guidance and with the help of Sooner Start therapists, we were working with Daniel to be on track with developmental milestones. Due to rib and arm fractures he lacked upper body strength and needed help with being on his tummy and pushing up. By this time, although he was supposed to start sleeping through the night, he was experiencing what was described as night terrors, sometimes during naps, often at night. Sleepless nights were normal and the night terrors increased in the nights following visitations.

I had read through all of Daniel's case file which included pages of hospital records. It was very tedious but I was determined to know all about Daniel's history. As we met with attorneys and caseworkers throughout the summer of '07 I was surprised that several of them seemed to be uninformed about what exactly had brought Allan into DHS custody. Of course each of them had far more cases than they were supposed to have since "the system" is overloaded. It was frustating though to feel as if no one had the time to thoroughly look at Daniel's case as decisions were being made.

When parent visits became more regular at the DHS office, my mom took Daniel for the one hour visit. We felt it would be more comfortable for the parents since she could be more of a mother figure to them and help "coach" them in the visits.

Although the parents had started taking parenting classes, the state had surprisingly opted to bypass a treatment plan and the decision of the Assistant District Attorney was to terminate parental rights. A jury trial was scheduled for the beginning of September. If rights were terminated Daniel would be available for adoption. Well, adoption wasn't my plan and since he would have been in our home such a short time I would not necessarily be looked at as first choice.

Monday, September 10th, 2007, was the day jury selection would begin. My mom was planning to be at the court house. An attorney called our home mid morning to inform us that the ADA decided to drop the case. DHS would draw up a treatment plan and work for Daniel to be sent home within a few months. And oh, yeah, the case would be transferred to another worker within a few weeks. I don't do sudden changes well and these changes required more strength than I felt I had at that moment.

I jsut remember sitting in my bed that night praying, praying, praying. And the emotional roller coaster was just starting.

Before April 19, 2007

Tomorrow, April 19, 2012, marks five years since Daniel was brought to our home. I hope to write more about it tomorrow--if I can find the time--but I recently pulled out old journals to reflect on the months leading up to Daniel's arrival.  I plan to share some excerpts from my journal entries here...because at the time I had no idea what was coming!

January 20, 2006
I had a lovely dream last night. I remember nothing except sitting with a little boy on my lap. He was about 4 years old, had a sweatsuit on and had beautiful dark hair. I was hugging him (had my arms around him from behind). He was laughing and I had my head against his--with his pretty hair.
(I had forgotten all about that dream until Daniel was about 3 and one day I was sitting with him and flashed back to that dream, because his hair was the very same as the boy in my dream. So I hunted through my journals until I found that entry.)

Feb 10, 2006
...today I was thinking about all the teens in foster care that no one wants.... I would totally take teenagers.... (I must have been thinking way down the road since I was 23 at the time)

Feb 12, 2006

During this past week I've been pondering a lot of things....and struggling to find a sense of purpose. Through a series of things I suddenly got this "vision" yesterday. I don't mean a vision where I was transported, but just like...well, I can't explain it. I could just "see" it. Backing up a little....I suddenly have become very fascinated with the idea of living close to nature and being more self-sufficient.....I want to grow a garden! I have never been exactly interested in vegetable gardening at all, until now. But going on....I just sort of pictured having a house with a garden. Then taking in foster kids of any age, but especially teens [was I crazy?!?]
I had other ideas that went along with this. It seems kind of silly and far out but last night I was so excited to think about it that I was ready to plant my garden today! I can't take a foster kid today but I need to remember that today is today and tomorrow is not yet. I would even consider adoption.

March 9, 2006
Our foster parenting plans have taken quite a few variations and now we've settled on doing respite for therapeutic kids. It wasn't what I wanted but that's okay. Anyway we have a lot of stuff to do before the end of the month.

March 20, 2006
Last night we went to the shelter (DHS shelter) I love going there even though it breaks my heart. I just want to take the kids home. We plan to be certified through Bair at the end of this month. We are finishing up our last requirements.

April 9, 2006
We got certified for foster parenting this past Wednesday. I am so excited! I can't wait until we actually have a child here :)

Up until that time I had been struggling in my Christian walk and was in a time of deep discouragement. It was in April of 2006 that God totally turned my life around and I was revived spiritually. Our home was certified through the Bair Foundation which was a Christian agency that placed children who were considered "therapeutic." That meant they required a higher level of training and care because they frequently had emotional issues and often were on medication (or several medications as we soon found out)

During the rest of 2006 we provided respite care for over a dozen children ranging in age from 2-17. Often it was just for a weekend. Perhaps sometime I'll write more about that, but for now I will say that it was not easy! It was very stretching and I realized how much of God's love one really needs in order to truly love a hurting child or teenager. A brief excerpt from my journal December 2006 reads "Today we get the next two girls. Last weekend was hard. It was intense. Sometimes it was so hard to see past the external behaviors and attitudes and really love the girls. I had compassion and I know they both had a lot of hurts and needs, but the intensity of the situation would at times make me want to shut down and not want to love them. Fostering is really hard."

As the time drew closer for us to have to be re-certified through Bair, they were trying to find a young child to place in our home for longer term. Every child that was going to be placed ended up being placed in a different home. At that time we made the decision to leave Bair and be certified for "regular" foster care directly through DHS.

March 30, 2007
We're picking up our Bair papers next Tuesday so we are officially going with DHS. I'm excited. Last night on the news they were talking about the waiting child program. It just breaks my heart to see that!!!

April 2, 2007
(We had been at a house church meeting the day before) Yesterday _____ taught on "transition." It was good and thought-provoking. Sometimes it would be nice to know what I am transitioning to. I need discernment right now.
And then I followed that entry with several verses....though the verses speak of sons and also Mary's words to God which I have since referenced, at the time I believe I wrote the verses in regards to prayer. At least that is my recollection.

"And Hannah was in bitterness of soul and prayed unto the Lord and wept sore. And she vowed a vow and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a manchild, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head. (I Sam 1:11)

For this child I prayed, and said, My heart rejoiceth in the Lord, mine horn is exalted in the Lord: my mouth is enlarged over mine enemies; because I rejoice in thy salvation (I Sam 2:1)

For with God nothing shall be impossible. And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord, be it unto me according to thy word... (Luke 1:37-38)

Less than 3 weeks later, a baby boy was brought to our home.

be it unto me...

The aspect of the Christmas story I have been contemplating this year is Mary. My thoughts began a couple of weeks ago when I got into a conversation about adoption with a woman I met, a friend of a friend. She was sharing about her family's pending adoption of a teenage boy. I briefly spoke of my adoption journey with Daniel. I found her response to Daniel's story amusing because it was something like, "wow! That is so neat! It just makes me think of Mary!" That was a laughable thought.

She went on to explain that just hearing what I told her of the last few years made her think of how perhaps Mary had completely different plans for her life, which did not include becoming pregnant with the Son of God. Yet Mary yielded to God's will and said, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be unto me according to your word.” (Luke 1:38)

Often when I talk about adoption people ask me if I have always had an interest in adoption. The short answer is no. While I wasn't opposed to it being a possibility in my life, I wasn't passionate about someday adopting.  I had never given it much thought prior to when I started the fostering training, and if I ever did consider adopting, I pictured it being way down the road after getting married.

When I was a senior in high school I used to fill out those time wasting surveys that would go around on email and one of the questions was usually something along the lines of "where do you see yourself in ten years?" I assure you when I pictured myself at 27, my picture did not include being in a difficult fostering situation trying to make decisions about adoption as a single person.

So I think about Mary--and I am in no way attempting to compare myself to Mary! But for some reason this year I have thought more about what she might have experienced both when she was carrying Jesus and through the years as he was growing up. Of course this is all speculation because the Bible doesn't give details on these matters. I imagine though that some people may have thought she was a little odd. There were probably those that didn't believe her story. She was likely misjudged, and I wonder if perhaps it continued throughout her life, especially if people thought her son--Jesus--was kind of strange by claiming to be the son of God.

I thought about how she was so young , betrothed to Joseph, probably looking forward to a happy future... and then the angel appeared and disrupted all those plans. And yet she set aside her will and her plans for God's plan. Could I have done what Mary did? I don't know. But I do know that I, like all Christians, am called to lay aside my will and plans for God's will throughout life.

I ventured into an unknown future when I said yes to Daniel. If I could go back to four years ago, I would make the same decisions even though it has meant sacrifice and some days of feeling overwhelmed.

Probably the biggest struggle for me is finding where I "fit" and knowing exactly how to integrate all the aspects of my life. I also find it a bit awkward when I meet new people--which has happened a lot since attending a new, large church....I get asked questions like "where does your husband work?" since people assume that having a child equals marriage. I obviously can't go through the whole last 4+ years in order to update people on my life story, nor do I want to say "well I'm a single person that adopted" when Daniel is standing right there. He knows he is adopted and he's got an amazing life story, but I don't want it to be his "label." Sometimes I wish I could just go around with a sign on my back saying "hello, I am an adoptive mother who went into fostering because I love children and wanted to help children in the foster system. Yes I am a single mother and Daniel is my only child. So we are a bit unconventional but variety is the spice of life. Thank you for your prayers and support." Then maybe I could avoid some discomfort on my part =)

So I said yes to God and even though Daniel can be a bundle of energy (sometimes naughty energy that wears me out!) I really have fun and I am crazy about him. My life is full and blessed and I feel especially grateful when I look at his peaceful sleeping face at night.

I hope that I can remember in each of the coming days to, like Mary, say yes to whatever God has planned even if it's a different path than what I thought.

a falling tree and a fragile child

One week ago I finally found time to go buy a Christmas tree. I took Daniel with me, and even though his attention span last all of a few minutes, we did come away with a tree that we were both satisfied with! That day we had about enough time to get it put in the stand and placed in the living room; the decorating would have to wait several days.

This past Monday we made salt dough ornaments and also began pulling out Christmas decorations. We placed ornaments on the tree, reminiscing about people who had given us the ornaments, especially my grandma. By the time we went to bed on Monday, the tree looked quite nice...even though there were clumps of ornaments here and there--clumps which Daniel had oh-so-carefully arranged :-)

By Tuesday the salt dough ornaments were ready to paint. Daniel was crazy with excitement! He carefully painted each one and then left them to dry until the afternoon. Shortly before it was time for my afternoon students to come, we threaded string through the ornaments and Daniel went about finding places to hang them on the tree.

I was sitting in the dining room cutting string and saw Daniel standing on the back of the couch in order to reach up higher on the tree. Then I heard a strange sound, saw Daniel's horrified expression, and watched as the tree disappeared from my view...onto the floor. I walked into the living room and saw puddles of water creeping along the floor, an abundance of pine needles covering the furniture and floor, and several ornaments that had flown off the tree! Not a pretty sight. Thankfully it was pretty easy to clean up and only a few ornaments had been broken but they could be easily glued back together.

Meanwhile, Daniel was letting loose with wails and cries of dismay. He was totally upset that the tree was on the floor and even worse his ornaments were sitting in puddles of water. I didn't react but just picked the tree up and told him it was okay and could all be put back together. Daniel however could not be calmed and began blaming himself and calling himself the "D word" (that's one of the banned words in our house--dumb.) I tried to tell him it was an accident and accidents happen but he completely blamed himself and then got angry at me for trying to tell him it was okay. He ran out of the room and my mom commented that he must still feel a lot of deep rejection from his early months. I agreed. Eventually he settled and came back and all was well again.

I don't talk about Daniel's early months very much anymore. In fact I don't think about it much anymore. The stress of the first two years of his life was so intense that I happily left it behind, and for the sake of his privacy I rarely talk about it much with others. For the most part Daniel is a confident, happy, bright, articulate child and most people--unless they witness a full-blown tantrum--probably think of him as pretty normal. And for the most part he is. (I hate to use the word "normal" anyway because what is normal?)

On those difficult days though I have to remind myself that Daniel's first couple of years were not normal. He endured a lot of stress and confusion and unfortunately those stress chemicals affected his brain. Every so often I flash back to one of the many times as a baby that he raged and struggled with intense emotions.  I'm no expert in psychology but I studied enough (earned a Bachelor's degree in it), as did my mom, to know that Daniel's very earliest experiences, even from the womb, have affected him. We all endured many sleepless nights when night terrors interrupted everyone's sleep. We held him and comforted him when he raged and couldn't verbalize the emotions that surged inside of him.

So back to the Christmas tree incident....it made me sad to think that he would be so harsh on himself for something so accidental. Even though Daniel is usually confident and appears resilient, I realized yet again that inside he still has a fragile part of him that struggles with insecurity and maybe wondering if he's really "okay." I only recently went into more explanation with him of what "adopted" means. I've read that those who are adopted sometimes experience insecurity and feelings of rejection because of the fact that they are no longer with their birth mother. I see how Daniel so desperately craves approval from those that he admires and I always pray that those desires will never lead him down the wrong path.

Ultimately I pray that Daniel continues to heal as he is surrounded by loving people, but especially as he opens his heart to God's love, for I believe that some of the deepest hurts can only be healed by God. We have come a long way in the last few years so I'm looking to a hopeful future and praying that I can continue to walk with love and grace.