The trial got off to a slow start. By a crazy coincidence, my friend's husband was called for jury duty that same week. We had joked around that it would be ironic if he were put on Daniel's case. Of course that would never happen....
Well he called me--I can't remember now if it was Monday or Tuesday--to tell me that he was being sent to juvenile court and he was wondering if he was being put on the jury for Daniel's mother. In retrospect it seems obvious that at that point we should have told Daniel's attorney because it wasn't honest. But his reasoning and my reasoning was more like "well maybe this is God's plan" because if he was on the jury then he could of course influence the jury to terminate her rights. It was so tempting to act in fear and to rely on ourselves. My mom called our pastor and told him the situation and right away he spoke truth and said that we were needed to do the right thing and trust GOD with the outcome. By that time my mom was at the court house and was able to communicate with Daniel's attorney. Interestingly, our friend was one the attorney's favorites and had we not told the truth he would have been seated on the jury.
The trial began Tuesday afternoon. My mom planned to be in the courtroom all week to observe. Since I would likely be a witness I could not come and she was able to tell me very little. In fact almost nothing except who was testifying. The following days were some of the most agonizing of my entire life. I was afraid of having the same outcome as the last jury trial and I did not think I could handle another round of parent visits, distress, and Daniel's mother working a treatment plan. I was just weary and tired of stress. I remember Tuesday night having what felt like a panic attack and saying "I can't do this!! I can't handle this week!" Of course, short of running away, I had no choice.
I spent that first part of the week hardly able to eat, trying to function normally, waiting for updates from my mom, playing worship music, and dreading being called as a witness. I was told that I would likely be called Thursday morning. But when Thursday morning came my mom called me and said that Daniel's mother's attorney had asked for a conference. He wanted her to relinquish her rights if I would agree to an open adoption. We would draw up an adoption agreement and it could be as open as I wanted it to be; it would be on my terms. Would I agree to this? Well, yes of course! It would mean the end of the trial, I would be spared from having to testify, my stress would be over, we could send her a letter and pictures every now and then....sounded great! In a few minutes my mom called me back and said that Daniel's mother said no. She wanted to continue the trial and let the jury decide. I couldn't believe it. So I had to call the woman who was going to come stay with Daniel and it was time to get ready for me to leave for the court house. My testimony would essentially be very similar to the visitation hearings, except this time I would only be cross-examined by the mother's attorney and there would also be a six-member jury.
In the lobby of the courthouse I sat down to wait. The court was on a break. Daniel's mom came into the lobby and sat down next to me. In just a short while we would both be going into the court room. I would be there as a witness for the attorney who was working to terminate her rights. I felt so awkward and at a loss for words. Finally I asked, "how was lunch? Where did you go to eat?" Obviously they were really dumb questions but in light of the fact that we were in the middle of a jury trial week I was just blank on what to say.
Court was called into session again and I waited in the lobby to be called. Meanwhile my nerves were going crazy. I was called in shortly and made that long walk to the front of the room again. I had never been before a jury before...should ignore them, smile at them, make eye contact, or ??? If I ignored them would I seem untrustworthy? If I made eye contact would it seem as if I were "schmoozing?"
This time Daniel's attorney chose to play the video/audio of Daniel's distress during visits and night terrors following the parent visits while I was a witness. Then he would be able to ask questions about it and have me describe what was happening. The jury listened intently and looked concerned. My tears started flowing.
The hardest moment came when Daniel's attorney finished and the mother's attorney started his cross-examination. He really only had two or three questions, but his final question was "do you think that "Maria's" (I changed her name for privacy) parental rights should be terminated?" Daniel's attorney objected to the question but the judge overruled. So he asked the question again. There she sat looking at me. The whole court room waited for my answer. I was torn. How could I say "yes" to that question when it would mean another mother's permanent loss and pain? How could I say "yes" when she was looking right at me? And yet the whole trial was about Daniel and the prosecution's whole case was based on the fact that after 1.5 years of trying to accomplish reunification it just wasn't working. And in the process Daniel was being robbed of peace, security, and, as mental health experts confirmed, healthy development. If my answer was "no" then why in the world was I up there and why were we all sitting through this trial? In that case, just send Daniel back to his original home.
I hesitated and hoped that maybe the attorney would back down. Finally I said, "I don't know what to say. I don't want to hurt "Maria" and....." He pressed me for my answer. I replied, "As far as Daniel's best interest, since this is about him, then....yes."
A large picture of Daniel was displayed in the court room for the jury to see. It was just a snapshot of him with his blue guitar. Daniel's attorney had a few more questions for me to answer for clarification. His final question was just for me to talk about Daniel. I could do that, and I could do it from my heart. All I wanted to convey was that Daniel was a precious child who needed a secure future. Thursday late afternoon, my part was finished. I was free to observe the rest of the trial which was supposed to be wrapping up by Friday afternoon.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
Spring of 2009 found us continuing with parent visits at the psychologist's office with Daniel and his biological father. I waited in the waiting room. Daniel had seemed to have an overall preference for men, so we were curious to see how the visits would be without his biological mother present. There would only be about 4 visits before another court hearing. Daniel for the most part did well in the visits and his father was able to engage him in play. However his reactions and night terrors following the visits continued and the night terrors were almost becoming worse. It seemed that by the last visit, even though Daniel would play, his father realized that too much time was passing and he reportedly said to the psychologist "it's no use."
As we were preparing for another Spring court hearing, Daniel's attorney informed us that not only would he be requesting the father's visits to be suspended but he was also filing a motion to have the parental rights of both parents terminated. The trial was scheduled for the end of August.
During that Spring of '09 God was showing me the state of my heart and things that needed to be changed. I realized that I could not pray for this situation or sit in the witness seat with an impure heart towards Daniel's parents. I had wrestled with my emotions towards them repeatedly but knew it was time for it to be settled in my heart. I had had anger for the injuries Daniel had sustained, for the emotional distress that I had repeatedly witnessed, and for the lies that they had told. But I knew that I could no longer set myself up as the judge, nor was it up to me to determine the final outcome of what was best for Daniel. God was the judge; God knew what He was doing. The best way for me to cooperate with Him was to love.
I came across of page of prayers that were based on Scripture and were prayers for the spiritual well-being of another person. I began to pray for Daniel's parents daily, putting their names in the prayers. And as I prayed for them daily my heart began to change in a genuine way. At different times in the previous year I had had compassion for them and had seen them as humans who were around my age and entangled in the same messy situation that I was. But then I'd fall back into anger or judgment. This time however the changes were real and consistent.
I could finally see that Daniel's mother had been through emotional anguish just as I had. She had suffered the loss of her baby, had endured the stress of visits where Daniel screamed the whole time, probably dreaded the court hearings as much as I did, been through one jury trial already, experienced the same uncertainty that I had, and had been given promises that were then broken. It still didn't mean that at this point that I or anyone else thought that Daniel should go back to her but no matter how this situation ended someone would experience pain. And I hoped that if in the end, if she were the one who would have the final loss, that somehow it would work for good and she would be able to start a new, successful life.
The jury trail would begin August 24th. Daniel's attorney had several witnesses lined up, including me. He seemed to have a good feeling going into the trial but I think we were all a little hesitant to expect any kind of outcome. Daniel's parents had had an on/off relationship and by this time they were no longer together. Daniel's father failed to show up to the pre-trial and by the time of the trial his rights were terminated. I felt like perhaps he just realized that it was time to walk away from the situation and let Daniel be. (Daniel was now 2.5 years old)
Jury selection would begin on Monday August 24th, 2009. Right away there was a test of trusting God....
As we were preparing for another Spring court hearing, Daniel's attorney informed us that not only would he be requesting the father's visits to be suspended but he was also filing a motion to have the parental rights of both parents terminated. The trial was scheduled for the end of August.
During that Spring of '09 God was showing me the state of my heart and things that needed to be changed. I realized that I could not pray for this situation or sit in the witness seat with an impure heart towards Daniel's parents. I had wrestled with my emotions towards them repeatedly but knew it was time for it to be settled in my heart. I had had anger for the injuries Daniel had sustained, for the emotional distress that I had repeatedly witnessed, and for the lies that they had told. But I knew that I could no longer set myself up as the judge, nor was it up to me to determine the final outcome of what was best for Daniel. God was the judge; God knew what He was doing. The best way for me to cooperate with Him was to love.
I came across of page of prayers that were based on Scripture and were prayers for the spiritual well-being of another person. I began to pray for Daniel's parents daily, putting their names in the prayers. And as I prayed for them daily my heart began to change in a genuine way. At different times in the previous year I had had compassion for them and had seen them as humans who were around my age and entangled in the same messy situation that I was. But then I'd fall back into anger or judgment. This time however the changes were real and consistent.
I could finally see that Daniel's mother had been through emotional anguish just as I had. She had suffered the loss of her baby, had endured the stress of visits where Daniel screamed the whole time, probably dreaded the court hearings as much as I did, been through one jury trial already, experienced the same uncertainty that I had, and had been given promises that were then broken. It still didn't mean that at this point that I or anyone else thought that Daniel should go back to her but no matter how this situation ended someone would experience pain. And I hoped that if in the end, if she were the one who would have the final loss, that somehow it would work for good and she would be able to start a new, successful life.
The jury trail would begin August 24th. Daniel's attorney had several witnesses lined up, including me. He seemed to have a good feeling going into the trial but I think we were all a little hesitant to expect any kind of outcome. Daniel's parents had had an on/off relationship and by this time they were no longer together. Daniel's father failed to show up to the pre-trial and by the time of the trial his rights were terminated. I felt like perhaps he just realized that it was time to walk away from the situation and let Daniel be. (Daniel was now 2.5 years old)
Jury selection would begin on Monday August 24th, 2009. Right away there was a test of trusting God....
Friday, December 14, 2012
a tale of two trials continued....
December 2008 Daniel continued visitation with his parents in the psychologist's office. His job was to coach the parents as well as observe Daniel's responses to their interactions. He had been recording the visits and had served as a witness in court for the 2008 jury trial. We were all supposed to be part of the visits but emotionally I could not handle it anymore. I began sitting in the waiting room during the 1 hour visits praying.
Even as I was struggling with my emotions during this time I decided that I would give the parents Christmas gifts, an effort to show some form of friendship I suppose as God began changing my heart. I did actually enjoy shopping for Daniel's mom and looked forward to giving her a small gift.
Daniel's post-visit reactions became increasingly worse even as he began coping better in the visits--in other words he was no longer crying and in obvious distress during the one hour. At home he became increasingly volatile though and would go into rages and start banging his head with virtually no provocation. For nights following visits he would have night terrors of which we videotaped a few so that someone at DHS, or his psychologist, or attorney could see what was happening. By this time I could count on one hand the number of nights Daniel had slept through the night since he came in April 2007.
Beginning in January 2009 the judge wanted Daniel to begin twice/week visits with his parents. One visit would continue to be with the original psychologist, the other would be at Parent Child Center with a psychologist who would do Parent Child Interaction Therapy. The first appointment was set at Parent Child Center. Psychologist 1 would brief Psychologist 2 on what he had been doing so far and how the interactions were progressing. Then Daniel, his parents, my mom and I and psychologist 1 would visit in a play room while Psychologist 2 observed from behind a window.
Daniel's dad never came but the rest of us proceeded with the visit. It was one of the best visits to that point. Even though Daniel for the most part kept some distance from his mother, she eventually was able to have some periods of interaction and more eye contact than I had previously seen. After 20 months of visitation this was the best I had observed and I figured that Psychologist 2 would be pretty impressed.
We were prepping for a review hearing the end of January and the caseworker informed us that Psychologist 2 from Parent Child Center had written a letter to the judge explaining that she would not be able to facilitate visitation. She was concerned about the original abuse, she felt that there was no point in continuing visitations and believed that Daniel was at risk for continued emotional harm and attachment issues if visitations continued.
This came as a surprise to us and when it was presented to the judge at the January hearing he was at a loss as to what to do. Daniel's attorney filed a motion to have visitation suspended. The judge was hesitant to suspend visits since the permanency plan was still reunification. No one could file a motion to have parents rights terminated until 90 from the permanency hearing but the DHS county director had already stated that if things didn't begin improving DHS was ready to recommend termination as soon as the 90 days was over.
The judge set a date for a visitation hearing in February. The state/DHS planned to have Daniel's psychologist as a witness. Daniel's mother hired a psychologist to testify against Daniel's psychologist. By this time I had compiled a CD of Daniel's night terrors (both video and audio) as well as audio clips of his distress during visits. Daniel's attorney also informed me that I would be called as a witness. One visitation hearing turned into three separate hearings since there were several witnesses. I was ready to be called and spent days feeling anxious and unable to eat.
I dreaded having to be cross-examined by one particularly nasty and sarcastic attorney in front of of a courtroom of people. I had to keep reminding myself that the outcome was not my burden to bear but it was in God's hands.
I sat outside the courtroom waiting to be called and I heard as they played the CD of Daniel's distress inside the room. It was awful as Daniel's wails could be heard throughout the courthouse.
Finally I was called in. That walk to the witness box felt super long and the courtroom was so very quiet. It began with Daniel's attorney questioning me about the effect of the parent visits on Daniel, his sleep patterns, behavior changes, how his development had progressed when parent visits had been suspended the year before and how his development had quickly regressed when visits were resumed. The judge had some questions about whether Daniel was perhaps just an anxious child. Was he overly clingy in all situations? Perhaps he was not exposed to strangers and new situations enough? Did I provide him opportunities to be separated from me? Daniel's mother's attorney declined to cross examine but Daniel's father's attorney stood up like he was ready to rip into me. And he was. With a perpetual sneer he inferred that I was making things up. He thought I was cruel and heartless to video Daniel's night terrors instead of comforting him (although we had at least one video clip from a day time nap in which I picked him up and attempted to awaken him but clearly he could be neither awakened to comforted.) He insinuated that I had little experience with children so how would I know what is normal and abnormal. He tried to put words in my mouth that I never said and confuse me. There were several times that he asked me difficult questions and there were long silences as I prayed silently asking God for wisdom. I had great peace by this time but also had a bad headache! I don't remember his exact final question but it was along the lines of when I encounter situations with Daniel where I don't know what to do, what do I do? I was weary by this time and didn't know exactly what to say. My simple answer was "I pray." he stared at me for a second with a frown, tossed his pen down, and said "no further questions Your Honor." done!
Daniel's attorney sent me an email following the hearing thanking me for my testimony and stating that he felt that the judge was finally able to see that I was not the manipulative, lying foster parent I had been made out to be. We had not been fabricating stories to sabotage reunification. There had been so many people praying for me. I knew that the peace and ability to answer questions articulately had been God's help!
The judge's decision was that visitation would be suspended for Daniel's mother until the next hearing, but Daniel's father would be able to continue weekly one hour visits with the psychologist. All along he had been better able to engage Daniel in playful interactions so it would be interesting to see how visits would go when it was just him without the mother.
My tale of two trials is getting longer and longer and I'm nowhere near the second trial! To be continued....
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
a tale of two trials part 1
One reason I started this blog was to chronicle the journey of adoption with Daniel. I wanted to get it down in written form before I forgot. From 2007 until his adoption in 2010 there was so much that happened and for much of that time I was able to remember specific dates and court hearings but as time has gone on the memories have faded some. Well, I haven't been consistent in blogging, and when I have made entries it hasn't been in a linear fashion! oh well.
When people ask me about Daniel and I give the condensed version of our history, I talk about the final jury trial in August of 2009 that terminated parental rights. Sometimes I mention that there was a jury trial prior to that in October of 2008 but I rarely go into detail.
Daniel's parents worked a treatment plan from 2007-2008. To their credit they were pretty faithful--especially his mother--to complete the requirements of the treatment plan. By all appearances it looked like they would get Daniel back since they attended their classes and maintained housing and employment. However in May of 2008 both the State and Daniel's attorney filed to have his parents' rights terminated. The trial was based on "new evidence" of sorts, which was essentially new witnesses (doctors) who could testify regarding his original injuries.
Daniel's attorney had a fabulous reputation and had only lost one case. Everyone knew he was excellent and what he did. The evidence regarding Daniel's injuries was solid and expert witnesses would be testifying. It seemed like a solid case that would not be lost. The judge seemed to support the parents but since he was only presiding over the case it didn't seem like that would matter.
However at this time I was personally struggling with my feelings towards Daniel's parents. I did my best to be a good team player and I was cordial when we were together. The summer prior to the trial Daniel was continuing visitation with his parents and we were present for the visits, trying to facilitate a bridge between our family and Daniel's parents.
October 2008 brought the jury trial. The trial week started off well but midway through the week things seemed to shift. Neither my mom nor I were permitted into the court room in case we were to be called as witnesses. My mom got daily updates from the attorney, the CASA, and Daniel's case worker. As the week went on it was clear that they were feeling really uncertain about the outcome.
I don't remember now when the trial ended but I know that by Friday we were at home waiting for the phone call. We spent the entire day praying that God's will be done and feeling very edgy. Late that afternoon the phone finally rang and the caller ID showed that it was Daniel's attorney. My mom answered the phone and after saying hello her face changed and she said "they didn't? really? what does this mean?" I knew then that the jury had concluded that Daniel's parents should not have their rights terminated. What was unclear at this point was whether that meant Daniel would go right back to them or whether they would start a treatment plan again.
I spent the entire night crying. I went to a bonfire at some friends' house that night but cried while I was driving both ways and also cried at the bonfire. After months and months of stress and uncertainty I could not imagine starting the roller coaster ride again.
Perhaps it was God's will that Daniel go back to his parents. I couldn't argue with that. We had prayed and this was the answer. But there were still unanswered questions about the original injuries and visitation with parents had resulted in emotional disturbance, developmental regression, and inability to sleep. He had also been diagnosed with PTSD and it was like watching the slow destruction of a child. At this point his parents were trying to do what they were supposed to do but the fact was that the abuse happened and regardless of who did it, Daniel still associated them with the pain of his early months.
In November of 2008 we were involved at a staffing at DHS. Daniel's attorney was spent and he said that he was no longer going to try to terminate the parents' rights. He felt that now it was best to just work for reunification and that maybe he had been wrong. Another court hearing was schedule for December and at this point DHS pulled in their attorney--a fiesty little woman. The December court hearing was attended by the county director and the DHS attorney, in addition to the parents, the caseworker, the attorneys, us, and CASA. I thought I was going to faint during the hearing because the judge stated that he was moving aggressively towards reunification and his goal was to have Daniel back with his parents within 3 months. He wanted the case finished and said that yes it would be hard on Daniel but he would just learn to deal with it. He wanted Daniel to be put in daycare so that his parents could visit him daily (thankfully Daniel's attorney fought that and won) and he ordered twice/weekly supervised parent visits.
The DHS attorney and county director came out strong and said that they absolutely did not want Daniel placed back in an unsafe situation. The county director said that over the Christmas holiday our family was not to try to facilitate a visit because of safety issues. They let the judge know that they were heavily monitoring this case and would not budge on Daniel's safety. They were working to make a stringent treatment plan that would attempt to address lingering concerns even though the judge was ready to start knocking things off the treatment plan.
And so began the next uncertain 3 months. We had no idea what to expect before the next hearing scheduled for January 2009. But the one thing I did know was that God had some work that He needed to do in my heart. I'll talk about that next time because I really feel that it was the biggest thing He still needed to teach me!
When people ask me about Daniel and I give the condensed version of our history, I talk about the final jury trial in August of 2009 that terminated parental rights. Sometimes I mention that there was a jury trial prior to that in October of 2008 but I rarely go into detail.
Daniel's parents worked a treatment plan from 2007-2008. To their credit they were pretty faithful--especially his mother--to complete the requirements of the treatment plan. By all appearances it looked like they would get Daniel back since they attended their classes and maintained housing and employment. However in May of 2008 both the State and Daniel's attorney filed to have his parents' rights terminated. The trial was based on "new evidence" of sorts, which was essentially new witnesses (doctors) who could testify regarding his original injuries.
Daniel's attorney had a fabulous reputation and had only lost one case. Everyone knew he was excellent and what he did. The evidence regarding Daniel's injuries was solid and expert witnesses would be testifying. It seemed like a solid case that would not be lost. The judge seemed to support the parents but since he was only presiding over the case it didn't seem like that would matter.
However at this time I was personally struggling with my feelings towards Daniel's parents. I did my best to be a good team player and I was cordial when we were together. The summer prior to the trial Daniel was continuing visitation with his parents and we were present for the visits, trying to facilitate a bridge between our family and Daniel's parents.
October 2008 brought the jury trial. The trial week started off well but midway through the week things seemed to shift. Neither my mom nor I were permitted into the court room in case we were to be called as witnesses. My mom got daily updates from the attorney, the CASA, and Daniel's case worker. As the week went on it was clear that they were feeling really uncertain about the outcome.
I don't remember now when the trial ended but I know that by Friday we were at home waiting for the phone call. We spent the entire day praying that God's will be done and feeling very edgy. Late that afternoon the phone finally rang and the caller ID showed that it was Daniel's attorney. My mom answered the phone and after saying hello her face changed and she said "they didn't? really? what does this mean?" I knew then that the jury had concluded that Daniel's parents should not have their rights terminated. What was unclear at this point was whether that meant Daniel would go right back to them or whether they would start a treatment plan again.
I spent the entire night crying. I went to a bonfire at some friends' house that night but cried while I was driving both ways and also cried at the bonfire. After months and months of stress and uncertainty I could not imagine starting the roller coaster ride again.
Perhaps it was God's will that Daniel go back to his parents. I couldn't argue with that. We had prayed and this was the answer. But there were still unanswered questions about the original injuries and visitation with parents had resulted in emotional disturbance, developmental regression, and inability to sleep. He had also been diagnosed with PTSD and it was like watching the slow destruction of a child. At this point his parents were trying to do what they were supposed to do but the fact was that the abuse happened and regardless of who did it, Daniel still associated them with the pain of his early months.
In November of 2008 we were involved at a staffing at DHS. Daniel's attorney was spent and he said that he was no longer going to try to terminate the parents' rights. He felt that now it was best to just work for reunification and that maybe he had been wrong. Another court hearing was schedule for December and at this point DHS pulled in their attorney--a fiesty little woman. The December court hearing was attended by the county director and the DHS attorney, in addition to the parents, the caseworker, the attorneys, us, and CASA. I thought I was going to faint during the hearing because the judge stated that he was moving aggressively towards reunification and his goal was to have Daniel back with his parents within 3 months. He wanted the case finished and said that yes it would be hard on Daniel but he would just learn to deal with it. He wanted Daniel to be put in daycare so that his parents could visit him daily (thankfully Daniel's attorney fought that and won) and he ordered twice/weekly supervised parent visits.
The DHS attorney and county director came out strong and said that they absolutely did not want Daniel placed back in an unsafe situation. The county director said that over the Christmas holiday our family was not to try to facilitate a visit because of safety issues. They let the judge know that they were heavily monitoring this case and would not budge on Daniel's safety. They were working to make a stringent treatment plan that would attempt to address lingering concerns even though the judge was ready to start knocking things off the treatment plan.
And so began the next uncertain 3 months. We had no idea what to expect before the next hearing scheduled for January 2009. But the one thing I did know was that God had some work that He needed to do in my heart. I'll talk about that next time because I really feel that it was the biggest thing He still needed to teach me!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Yesterday I visited the Laura Dester shelter, the place where children are placed when they are removed from their parents before they are placed in a foster home, a group home, or returned back to their family. I volunteered there regularly during my late teens and early twenties. I did some volunteering with teenagers--a girls' choir which was pretty much a flop due to the ever changing population (and my inexperience!) and an etiquette class (life skills). Eventually though I found my place volunteering in "the little house" with babies/toddlers/elementary aged children. It was at that little house that my heart was captured and I decided that I wanted to work with abused and neglected children.
It had been at least 5 years since I had been to the shelter. It is in a new location now, more spacious, more security. I went to visit one specific child and yeah, my heart was stirred again.
After leaving juvenile court for the last time in August of 2010 and having our home closed soon after that, I said I would never again do fostering. It was too hard, too stressful. The system was broken. I never wanted to see a judge, caseworker, attorney, or the DHS building again. My heart was closed and there were plenty of other people who would get involved. It was time for me to more forward in life, and after spending the majority of my twenties getting sucked into a super complicated case, I was done and ready to live my life again. I was also so much wiser in how HARD it really is to work with foster children and how much love, grace, and patience it required. Sure it's possible to see a child healed but I realized that the majority of the time foster and adoptive parents don't live a life filled with warm fuzzies and Hallmark moments! they do exist but often it's mixed in with a lot of chaos and messy moments.
Eventually I realized that maybe I missed it just a little. Perhaps I would be suited to CASA or maybe eventually if I got married and lived a "normal" life for a while I could think about adopting or somehow getting involved. But that would be way down the road. A long ways down the road.
Recently I a friend told me that he heard I was wanting to adopt again. I laughed at that rumor. It truly was an absurd rumor because no, as a single person I was not looking to adopt. But the truth was that we were in process of having our home reopened for fostering--and for fostering only! It has been a very slow process because we kept changing our minds about whether it was the right thing, the right time, and a good thing for Daniel. Usually while I am thinking about something I am not one to share my thoughts and feelings with a lot of people. I might tell a few people but keep things pretty quiet until I am pretty sure of something. So thinking about fostering is something that had been on my mind for several months. It is one thing I was especially cautious of talking about because reactions from people are varied and sometimes I'd just rather keep things quiet!
So now with the process basically complete I still sometimes have hesitations, mainly because it is hard. And takes sacrifice. I know now that it takes way more human love than I have. It's easy to see a cute kid and feel overwhelming feelings of love and compassion but that fades pretty quickly once a child starts acting out and that is when only God's supernatural love is strong enough to last. Now I realize just how important it is to have God's grace and to rely on Him. Even that is a struggle for me because relying on Someone else does not come easily for me. But I am not strong enough to consistently love a hurting child by myself. Not nearly strong enough. It has to be a God thing. I remember weekends with teenage girls where I had reached the end of my love. They could be tough, needy, and just plain annoying. And one weekend having one of the girls get into my makeup and leave a big mess in the bathroom just proved to me how very little patience I really had!
Well, my heart is open again--with a little cautiousness--and now I wait to see what God will do. Maybe something, maybe nothing, maybe the unexpected...but I'm finally willing to see.
It had been at least 5 years since I had been to the shelter. It is in a new location now, more spacious, more security. I went to visit one specific child and yeah, my heart was stirred again.
After leaving juvenile court for the last time in August of 2010 and having our home closed soon after that, I said I would never again do fostering. It was too hard, too stressful. The system was broken. I never wanted to see a judge, caseworker, attorney, or the DHS building again. My heart was closed and there were plenty of other people who would get involved. It was time for me to more forward in life, and after spending the majority of my twenties getting sucked into a super complicated case, I was done and ready to live my life again. I was also so much wiser in how HARD it really is to work with foster children and how much love, grace, and patience it required. Sure it's possible to see a child healed but I realized that the majority of the time foster and adoptive parents don't live a life filled with warm fuzzies and Hallmark moments! they do exist but often it's mixed in with a lot of chaos and messy moments.
Eventually I realized that maybe I missed it just a little. Perhaps I would be suited to CASA or maybe eventually if I got married and lived a "normal" life for a while I could think about adopting or somehow getting involved. But that would be way down the road. A long ways down the road.
Recently I a friend told me that he heard I was wanting to adopt again. I laughed at that rumor. It truly was an absurd rumor because no, as a single person I was not looking to adopt. But the truth was that we were in process of having our home reopened for fostering--and for fostering only! It has been a very slow process because we kept changing our minds about whether it was the right thing, the right time, and a good thing for Daniel. Usually while I am thinking about something I am not one to share my thoughts and feelings with a lot of people. I might tell a few people but keep things pretty quiet until I am pretty sure of something. So thinking about fostering is something that had been on my mind for several months. It is one thing I was especially cautious of talking about because reactions from people are varied and sometimes I'd just rather keep things quiet!
So now with the process basically complete I still sometimes have hesitations, mainly because it is hard. And takes sacrifice. I know now that it takes way more human love than I have. It's easy to see a cute kid and feel overwhelming feelings of love and compassion but that fades pretty quickly once a child starts acting out and that is when only God's supernatural love is strong enough to last. Now I realize just how important it is to have God's grace and to rely on Him. Even that is a struggle for me because relying on Someone else does not come easily for me. But I am not strong enough to consistently love a hurting child by myself. Not nearly strong enough. It has to be a God thing. I remember weekends with teenage girls where I had reached the end of my love. They could be tough, needy, and just plain annoying. And one weekend having one of the girls get into my makeup and leave a big mess in the bathroom just proved to me how very little patience I really had!
Well, my heart is open again--with a little cautiousness--and now I wait to see what God will do. Maybe something, maybe nothing, maybe the unexpected...but I'm finally willing to see.
Friday, October 5, 2012
One.
As a teenager, my plan for my life was to get married when I was 21 and then by the time I was 30 I would have about 3, maybe 4 kids. Yeah, I had it all planned out!
21 came and went and I didn't meet Mr Right, but I muddled around in college a little trying to figure out "what I was going to be when I grew up."
During that time I started volunteering on a regular basis at the children's shelter in my city. I loved it. I love children and was absolutely delighted to rock babies and play with toddlers. I became interested in fostering and finally found a direction for education. I would foster and work on a degree so that I could be a therapist working with abused kids. My goals were clarified, and now I dreamed of helping lots of children....fostering, adopting, therapy, advocating.
In 2007 I started fostering a baby (Daniel) and continued to slowly work on a degree. I graduated in 2010 and adopted Daniel that same year.
One child. Life right now is so different than what I pictured it would be. I had planned to have lots of children--biological, fostered, adopted....and today I have one child.
That's not to say that someday I might still have more children...whether biological or adopted or both...I don't know. (Daniel is hoping so!) But for today God has asked me to invest in one.
And I have tried to give that one 100% as best I can. When his attachment seems shaky I try to be patient and spend one on one time to strengthen his trust and security. I remember one time when he was a toddler and he was trying to talk and show me things for what seemed like the hundredth time. It was so tempting to be impatient or bored but I reminded myself that I was investing into the future. If I can lay a good foundation now while he is young, then I believe it will pay off when he is older. I spent a year doing pretty intense therapy with him.....until I was so tired that I had to take a break!
Sometimes one can take so much energy. We've considered fostering again. A year ago I planned to begin volunteering as a CASA--Court Appointed Special Advocate--working on behalf of a child in DHS custody. I've considered volunteering at the shelter again. And each time I come back to the fact that Daniel is only 5. He's had 3 stable years now and it's not time for me to go out and spend a lot of hours helping other children--yet, even though part of my heart still wants to! I still do want to volunteer in CASA--even if it's when I'm 50! Or maybe go back for a master's degree someday and be a therapist.
So on those days when I feel like I wish I could do so much more to change the world, I ask God to help me remember that one is important to Him. And maybe this one will go on to do great things. And maybe someday I will still have opportunity to reach more. But for today I hope I can be faithful to pray for, teach, and guide my one.
21 came and went and I didn't meet Mr Right, but I muddled around in college a little trying to figure out "what I was going to be when I grew up."
During that time I started volunteering on a regular basis at the children's shelter in my city. I loved it. I love children and was absolutely delighted to rock babies and play with toddlers. I became interested in fostering and finally found a direction for education. I would foster and work on a degree so that I could be a therapist working with abused kids. My goals were clarified, and now I dreamed of helping lots of children....fostering, adopting, therapy, advocating.
In 2007 I started fostering a baby (Daniel) and continued to slowly work on a degree. I graduated in 2010 and adopted Daniel that same year.
One child. Life right now is so different than what I pictured it would be. I had planned to have lots of children--biological, fostered, adopted....and today I have one child.
That's not to say that someday I might still have more children...whether biological or adopted or both...I don't know. (Daniel is hoping so!) But for today God has asked me to invest in one.
And I have tried to give that one 100% as best I can. When his attachment seems shaky I try to be patient and spend one on one time to strengthen his trust and security. I remember one time when he was a toddler and he was trying to talk and show me things for what seemed like the hundredth time. It was so tempting to be impatient or bored but I reminded myself that I was investing into the future. If I can lay a good foundation now while he is young, then I believe it will pay off when he is older. I spent a year doing pretty intense therapy with him.....until I was so tired that I had to take a break!
Sometimes one can take so much energy. We've considered fostering again. A year ago I planned to begin volunteering as a CASA--Court Appointed Special Advocate--working on behalf of a child in DHS custody. I've considered volunteering at the shelter again. And each time I come back to the fact that Daniel is only 5. He's had 3 stable years now and it's not time for me to go out and spend a lot of hours helping other children--yet, even though part of my heart still wants to! I still do want to volunteer in CASA--even if it's when I'm 50! Or maybe go back for a master's degree someday and be a therapist.
So on those days when I feel like I wish I could do so much more to change the world, I ask God to help me remember that one is important to Him. And maybe this one will go on to do great things. And maybe someday I will still have opportunity to reach more. But for today I hope I can be faithful to pray for, teach, and guide my one.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
I battle fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of man, fear of failing, fear of what other people think....I'm sure the list could go on. Most of the time I keep myself busy and engaged in life so I don't have time to entertain the doubts and fears that try to pummel me. And most of the time I lean on God to give me the strength and courage that I don't have on my own.
This past week has been one of those trying-to-overcome-the-fears kind of weeks. Some of it has probably been my own fault.....my spiritual life has not been what it should be. I've been tired and going a lot. With a weak foundation it's so easy for the enemy to whisper all kinds of doubts. You're not good enough. You're not successful enough. God has forgotten about you. You're a terrible parent. Everyone else is successful and happy and they all just think you are so lame...
Total lies, I know. And in the times that I feel strong I can see lies for what they are and know that God is working all things for good. In the weak times however it is a minute by minute battle to take every thought captive. My humanness just wants to retreat and believe it's all true. To believe that God is far, far away making capricious decisions on my behalf, or worse, just leaving me out on a limb fending for myself.
I'm naturally an introverted person. Don't push me out of my comfort zone and I am fine! In elementary school I was terrified to do anything in front of a group. In middle school I could barely bring myself to go outside if there were neighborhood friends outside because of fear. Eventually I worked through all those and pushed myself until I could give speeches in front of large groups and enjoy it. I performed music, both instrumental and vocal, in front of people and loved every minute of it. I gained confidence in being self-employed. I made friends in college easily and looked for opportunities to share Christ. And eventually I sat in a witness box two different times in court and was able to speak with confidence (God's help! cause it was scary!) I don't live in my shyness anymore, but I know that the enemy would love to plant so much doubt that I again retreat. Most of the time I have confidence and "thick skin", but satan knows where I am weak and when I am weak.
When I meet new people the temptation is there to believe that they won't understand me. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could say I'm not some kind of nerd who never left home and decided to adopt a kid and is not a cool single person now... (or a cool married person with a perfect family...) But how stupid is that?!? Obviously no, the whole world is not going to understand me (or care for that matter!) but why would I even feel like I need a disclaimer? Or to retreat and fear what others might think?
Nearly two years ago we were at a fellowship of people, all ages. During the night a young, homeschooled guy in his early 20s just point blank stated that for me to adopt a boy was just "really weird." Ok. Well, I'm sure he's not the only one who has thought that, but the attitude with which it was said was so demeaning that I was tempted to either slap him or blurt out some nasty response. I did neither, but I struggled with those words for months after that. I moved past that situation, figuring that he was just blunt and maybe a little immature. But that incident probably contributed to lies that I continue to battle at times.
So after a week of succumbing to lies, I am resolving to believe God's word and not letting the enemy push me back or make me shrink back from doing God's will or living for His glory. Yeah it's easier to just lay down and believe the enemy's words and quit fighting. But if there is one thing God has given me it is fierce competitiveness--I play to win. So I will choose to discipline my thoughts. (I'm really making myself because I don't really want to "choose" to!! ah!) And I will choose to believe God. At a prayer meeting God put the last verse of Psalm 86 in my heart. I have been thinking on it today. I went ahead and just copied/pasted the whole passage below because it is a good one. But I will believe that He will show me "a sign for good"
This past week has been one of those trying-to-overcome-the-fears kind of weeks. Some of it has probably been my own fault.....my spiritual life has not been what it should be. I've been tired and going a lot. With a weak foundation it's so easy for the enemy to whisper all kinds of doubts. You're not good enough. You're not successful enough. God has forgotten about you. You're a terrible parent. Everyone else is successful and happy and they all just think you are so lame...
Total lies, I know. And in the times that I feel strong I can see lies for what they are and know that God is working all things for good. In the weak times however it is a minute by minute battle to take every thought captive. My humanness just wants to retreat and believe it's all true. To believe that God is far, far away making capricious decisions on my behalf, or worse, just leaving me out on a limb fending for myself.
I'm naturally an introverted person. Don't push me out of my comfort zone and I am fine! In elementary school I was terrified to do anything in front of a group. In middle school I could barely bring myself to go outside if there were neighborhood friends outside because of fear. Eventually I worked through all those and pushed myself until I could give speeches in front of large groups and enjoy it. I performed music, both instrumental and vocal, in front of people and loved every minute of it. I gained confidence in being self-employed. I made friends in college easily and looked for opportunities to share Christ. And eventually I sat in a witness box two different times in court and was able to speak with confidence (God's help! cause it was scary!) I don't live in my shyness anymore, but I know that the enemy would love to plant so much doubt that I again retreat. Most of the time I have confidence and "thick skin", but satan knows where I am weak and when I am weak.
When I meet new people the temptation is there to believe that they won't understand me. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could say I'm not some kind of nerd who never left home and decided to adopt a kid and is not a cool single person now... (or a cool married person with a perfect family...) But how stupid is that?!? Obviously no, the whole world is not going to understand me (or care for that matter!) but why would I even feel like I need a disclaimer? Or to retreat and fear what others might think?
Nearly two years ago we were at a fellowship of people, all ages. During the night a young, homeschooled guy in his early 20s just point blank stated that for me to adopt a boy was just "really weird." Ok. Well, I'm sure he's not the only one who has thought that, but the attitude with which it was said was so demeaning that I was tempted to either slap him or blurt out some nasty response. I did neither, but I struggled with those words for months after that. I moved past that situation, figuring that he was just blunt and maybe a little immature. But that incident probably contributed to lies that I continue to battle at times.
So after a week of succumbing to lies, I am resolving to believe God's word and not letting the enemy push me back or make me shrink back from doing God's will or living for His glory. Yeah it's easier to just lay down and believe the enemy's words and quit fighting. But if there is one thing God has given me it is fierce competitiveness--I play to win. So I will choose to discipline my thoughts. (I'm really making myself because I don't really want to "choose" to!! ah!) And I will choose to believe God. At a prayer meeting God put the last verse of Psalm 86 in my heart. I have been thinking on it today. I went ahead and just copied/pasted the whole passage below because it is a good one. But I will believe that He will show me "a sign for good"
Prayer for Mercy, with Meditation on the Excellencies of the Lord
A Prayer of David.
86 Bow down Your ear, O Lord, hear me;
For I am poor and needy.
2 Preserve my life, for I am holy;
You are my God;
Save Your servant who trusts in You!
3 Be merciful to me, O Lord,
For I cry to You all day long.
4 Rejoice the soul of Your servant,
For to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
5 For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You.
For I am poor and needy.
2 Preserve my life, for I am holy;
You are my God;
Save Your servant who trusts in You!
3 Be merciful to me, O Lord,
For I cry to You all day long.
4 Rejoice the soul of Your servant,
For to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
5 For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You.
6 Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer;
And attend to the voice of my supplications.
7 In the day of my trouble I will call upon You,
For You will answer me.
And attend to the voice of my supplications.
7 In the day of my trouble I will call upon You,
For You will answer me.
8 Among the gods there is none like You, O Lord;
Nor are there any works like Your works.
9 All nations whom You have made
Shall come and worship before You, O Lord,
And shall glorify Your name.
10 For You are great, and do wondrous things;
You alone are God.
Nor are there any works like Your works.
9 All nations whom You have made
Shall come and worship before You, O Lord,
And shall glorify Your name.
10 For You are great, and do wondrous things;
You alone are God.
11 Teach me Your way, O Lord;
I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
12 I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And I will glorify Your name forevermore.
13 For great is Your mercy toward me,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.
I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
12 I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And I will glorify Your name forevermore.
13 For great is Your mercy toward me,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.
14 O God, the proud have risen against me,
And a mob of violent men have sought my life,
And have not set You before them.
15 But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious,
Longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth.
And a mob of violent men have sought my life,
And have not set You before them.
15 But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious,
Longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth.
16 Oh, turn to me, and have mercy on me!
Give Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your maidservant.
17 Show me a sign for good,
That those who hate me may see it and be ashamed,
Because You, Lord, have helped me and comforted me.
Give Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your maidservant.
17 Show me a sign for good,
That those who hate me may see it and be ashamed,
Because You, Lord, have helped me and comforted me.
Monday, September 24, 2012
hope
In my journey of fostering/adopting, our family has done a lot of reading and research on subjects related to attachment, trauma, and loss in children. My degree was in Pscyhology/Christian counseling, so it's a subject I'm interested in anyway. I look at the person I was 6 years ago when I first decided that I would pursue a degree in Psychology/Counseling--hoping to be a therapist for abused children--and realize just how little I knew! And still, I have a lot to learn...not just learn but also implement.
One of the influences along the way is Dr. Karyn Purvis who works out of Texas Christian University and has had remarkable success in bringing healing and hope to families who have adopted especially difficult, hurting children. Many of the families she has worked with have children who suffer with severe attachment disorders and the families are desperate to find answers and hope. We have watched some of her DVDs as well as own her book "The Connected Child." (www.empowered2connect.org)
When we heard that there would be a 20-week workshop offered in our city this fall that was based on the book "The Connected Child" my mom jumped at the chance to be involved. My weekly schedule was already getting busy and I not only did not want to add one more thing, I also didn't want to acknowledge that it was something I needed right now.
Daniel is involved in a lot of activities and for the most part he fits in well in groups, he makes friends easily, listens to his teachers well, doesn't cause major disruptions, is smart, etc. etc. Maybe I felt that if I went to this workshop I would be admitting that there are still areas we needed to grow; there are still areas where Daniel lets us know that the things that he experienced in his first two years have not been totally healed.
I went to the second week of the workshop and decided I might as well have an open mind. I had been out of the foster/adoptive loop for a while, so it was nice to see some familiar faces. The facilitator got up to begin the meeting and I suddenly teared up. It was bizarre. I can be a "cry-er" anyway but I was totally not expecting this. One of the first exercises was for each person there to write on two different colored sticky papers: on one color you were to write the things your child does that are discouraging and on the other color you were to write things your child does that give you hope. Then we placed them on two different sides of a white board. She read all of the papers aloud and I was blinking back tears. The discouraging things that I listed--the two that I could think of--were anger and tantrums. I had many more positives: sense of humor, affection, enthusiasm, to name a few. Altogether the discouraging behaviors other parents listed included such hard things as no compassion, hurting animals, screaming "I hate you", wanting to go back to an orphanage, etc. The side of hope was encouraging, and for many of the parents just little things like allowing affection or being able to follow simple directions were enough to give hope.
In my daily interactions I'm not around many people who can relate to being in the foster system--the uncertainy of loving a child that will likely be removed, and then ending up adopting the child but now having the baggage that comes with muddling through "the system" while making efforts to reunify the child with its biological parents, loving a child who suffered trauma and loss and needs extra sensitivity, love, and healing. Perhaps that is why the tears started coming. I was sitting in a room of people--many who have children who are way tougher than mine--that understood. The know what it is like to have a simple thing cause a big meltdown and be at a loss as to what to do. They understand that sometimes all you can do is ask God for wisdom when you know your child is reacting from a deep place of hurt that they can't articulate and you really can't understand.
The facilitator asked if anyone wanted to share something that helped them in their journey. I was too teary to try to talk....but in my heart what I wanted to say was that sometimes after a hard day I will go in and look at Daniel sleeping peacefully. He is so beautiful when he is asleep. And as I look at him, I remember back to when he was a toddler and we were dealing with almost nightly night terrors and the future was so uncertain. It seemed that there were court hearings nearly every month and each court hearing could mean huge changes in his life. I would stand at his crib and cry out of exhaustion and anxiety. All I could do was trust that God would keep Daniel safe in the way that He knew was best. So I look at Daniel sleeping now as a healthy, happy 5 1/2 year old and even in the midst of rough days I tell myself that if God has brought us this far, He cannot let us down now. He will continue the good work He has begun.
And I believe I share that hope with all the other foster/adoptive parents in that room.
One of the influences along the way is Dr. Karyn Purvis who works out of Texas Christian University and has had remarkable success in bringing healing and hope to families who have adopted especially difficult, hurting children. Many of the families she has worked with have children who suffer with severe attachment disorders and the families are desperate to find answers and hope. We have watched some of her DVDs as well as own her book "The Connected Child." (www.empowered2connect.org)
When we heard that there would be a 20-week workshop offered in our city this fall that was based on the book "The Connected Child" my mom jumped at the chance to be involved. My weekly schedule was already getting busy and I not only did not want to add one more thing, I also didn't want to acknowledge that it was something I needed right now.
Daniel is involved in a lot of activities and for the most part he fits in well in groups, he makes friends easily, listens to his teachers well, doesn't cause major disruptions, is smart, etc. etc. Maybe I felt that if I went to this workshop I would be admitting that there are still areas we needed to grow; there are still areas where Daniel lets us know that the things that he experienced in his first two years have not been totally healed.
I went to the second week of the workshop and decided I might as well have an open mind. I had been out of the foster/adoptive loop for a while, so it was nice to see some familiar faces. The facilitator got up to begin the meeting and I suddenly teared up. It was bizarre. I can be a "cry-er" anyway but I was totally not expecting this. One of the first exercises was for each person there to write on two different colored sticky papers: on one color you were to write the things your child does that are discouraging and on the other color you were to write things your child does that give you hope. Then we placed them on two different sides of a white board. She read all of the papers aloud and I was blinking back tears. The discouraging things that I listed--the two that I could think of--were anger and tantrums. I had many more positives: sense of humor, affection, enthusiasm, to name a few. Altogether the discouraging behaviors other parents listed included such hard things as no compassion, hurting animals, screaming "I hate you", wanting to go back to an orphanage, etc. The side of hope was encouraging, and for many of the parents just little things like allowing affection or being able to follow simple directions were enough to give hope.
In my daily interactions I'm not around many people who can relate to being in the foster system--the uncertainy of loving a child that will likely be removed, and then ending up adopting the child but now having the baggage that comes with muddling through "the system" while making efforts to reunify the child with its biological parents, loving a child who suffered trauma and loss and needs extra sensitivity, love, and healing. Perhaps that is why the tears started coming. I was sitting in a room of people--many who have children who are way tougher than mine--that understood. The know what it is like to have a simple thing cause a big meltdown and be at a loss as to what to do. They understand that sometimes all you can do is ask God for wisdom when you know your child is reacting from a deep place of hurt that they can't articulate and you really can't understand.
The facilitator asked if anyone wanted to share something that helped them in their journey. I was too teary to try to talk....but in my heart what I wanted to say was that sometimes after a hard day I will go in and look at Daniel sleeping peacefully. He is so beautiful when he is asleep. And as I look at him, I remember back to when he was a toddler and we were dealing with almost nightly night terrors and the future was so uncertain. It seemed that there were court hearings nearly every month and each court hearing could mean huge changes in his life. I would stand at his crib and cry out of exhaustion and anxiety. All I could do was trust that God would keep Daniel safe in the way that He knew was best. So I look at Daniel sleeping now as a healthy, happy 5 1/2 year old and even in the midst of rough days I tell myself that if God has brought us this far, He cannot let us down now. He will continue the good work He has begun.
And I believe I share that hope with all the other foster/adoptive parents in that room.
Friday, September 21, 2012
just rambling.
This past summer I took Daniel to a morning play group at someone's house with some mothers and preschoolers from our church. There was one woman there who was not from our church and in the course of the morning she asked my opinion on having an epdiural and did I have one with Daniel? um....no. I adopted him. At that moment we were trying to gather our stuff to leave and Daniel was standing right there so I didn't bother to go into his/my whole life story at that moment.
Fast forward a few weeks and this same woman and I were working in the toddler room during our homeschool co-op at church along with a third woman. They were talking about whether they called their husbands endearing terms like "honey, sweetie, etc." I busied myself with picking up stray raisins from snack time off the floor. This very sweet woman--in an effort to draw me into the conversation--turned to me and said, "what about you? do you call your husband 'honey'?" I figured my ring-less left hand is enough to give people a clue that I am not married buuuuut.....it looked like I was going to have to start talking about my out-of-the ordinary life. So after the "well, I'm not married" statement comes the puzzled look and then I can practically see all the questions forming because we're at a homeschool co-op after all and how do I fit into the mix? So I answered the basic questions the best I could in a short time but how can I possible condense 5 or so years of my life and Daniel's life into a few brief sentences that make sense.
I am not complaining, but just stating that being a single mother is hard! Although I guess I figured that out years ago since my own mom was a single mom. I suppose I have a greater appreciation now for what she went through while raising me.
Making the transition from just a normal single person to a foster parent to adoptive parent has been in some ways natural but in other ways very, very hard. Growing up I hated to be different from my peers in any way. I was the kind of person that just wanted to be "normal" and God forbid that I would ever do anything that would make me stick out in a weird sort of way. And now? ha! I just live life and deal with my uniqueness the best I can :-) I feel like I fumble around in situations with married couples and families because I'm solo, and this parenting thing came about in a different sort of way. And a lot of people are surprised that a single person can foster, much less adopt. (Let me say here that I have known some of the most AMAZING single women who have adopted and fostered lots of kids. Their hearts are 100% invested in loving children).
So, I deal with the epidurals/husbands/having babies conversations in part of my life, and then in the other part I deal with the being-single-but-not-totally-single reality. I have a lot of single friends and I used to have more time to "hang out" and stay out late and not have to think about a tantruming child or a child that keeps me up at night. And I try not to bore my single friends with too much parenting talk :-)
For a girl that doesn't want to be "weird" but just wants to blend in like a normal (!) person, I have definitely found myself in a situation that stretches me. God is teaching me to stay focused, to be secure in him, to be understanding, and to not seek approval from anyone but Him. I'm still learning.
Fast forward a few weeks and this same woman and I were working in the toddler room during our homeschool co-op at church along with a third woman. They were talking about whether they called their husbands endearing terms like "honey, sweetie, etc." I busied myself with picking up stray raisins from snack time off the floor. This very sweet woman--in an effort to draw me into the conversation--turned to me and said, "what about you? do you call your husband 'honey'?" I figured my ring-less left hand is enough to give people a clue that I am not married buuuuut.....it looked like I was going to have to start talking about my out-of-the ordinary life. So after the "well, I'm not married" statement comes the puzzled look and then I can practically see all the questions forming because we're at a homeschool co-op after all and how do I fit into the mix? So I answered the basic questions the best I could in a short time but how can I possible condense 5 or so years of my life and Daniel's life into a few brief sentences that make sense.
I am not complaining, but just stating that being a single mother is hard! Although I guess I figured that out years ago since my own mom was a single mom. I suppose I have a greater appreciation now for what she went through while raising me.
Making the transition from just a normal single person to a foster parent to adoptive parent has been in some ways natural but in other ways very, very hard. Growing up I hated to be different from my peers in any way. I was the kind of person that just wanted to be "normal" and God forbid that I would ever do anything that would make me stick out in a weird sort of way. And now? ha! I just live life and deal with my uniqueness the best I can :-) I feel like I fumble around in situations with married couples and families because I'm solo, and this parenting thing came about in a different sort of way. And a lot of people are surprised that a single person can foster, much less adopt. (Let me say here that I have known some of the most AMAZING single women who have adopted and fostered lots of kids. Their hearts are 100% invested in loving children).
So, I deal with the epidurals/husbands/having babies conversations in part of my life, and then in the other part I deal with the being-single-but-not-totally-single reality. I have a lot of single friends and I used to have more time to "hang out" and stay out late and not have to think about a tantruming child or a child that keeps me up at night. And I try not to bore my single friends with too much parenting talk :-)
For a girl that doesn't want to be "weird" but just wants to blend in like a normal (!) person, I have definitely found myself in a situation that stretches me. God is teaching me to stay focused, to be secure in him, to be understanding, and to not seek approval from anyone but Him. I'm still learning.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
August 20, 2010. The day my dad was buried. The day I legally became mother to a son. Out of all the 365 days in a year, the funeral and the adoption happened on the same day.
My mom received the call about my dad's death several days prior to his funeral. It's hard to feel much emotion for someone you can't remember, but still, I felt sorrow. I was sad that he died alone. I was sad that the chance to meet him would never come. Throughout my growing up years he was always somewhere out there. I had a father; I had seen his pictures. I had not felt the desire to meet him until one point in my mid-twenties, but I never acted on it because I think deep down I was afraid. It was easier to not alter my world.
When news of his death came though, my chance was forever gone. And it made me sad. His funeral would be on the Hualapai reservation--though he was not there at the time of his death. He was full blood Native American so there would be a traditional wake lasting through the night. I wanted to go. Part of me was curious about the other half of my heritage. The other part of me just wanted to pay my respects. After all he gave me life. But it was not to be.
His service was scheduled for Friday, August 20th. There was no way I could be there because the adoption date for my little boy was set for that morning. So it was time to grieve alone and then look forward to the task of raising a boy who I prayed would become the kind of man that my father was not able to be.
Friday morning my mom, Daniel, and I drove to the courthouse with a close friend. Our pastors and some other special people from DHS would meet us there. I felt all the familiar waves of anxiety and nausea that I had felt so many times before while driving to the courthouse. My head kept telling me that this was going to be a good day. This was a happy occasion. But my body couldn't shake the memories of all the previous court hearings which had been so emotional and hard. I was still shaking from nerves when I went through the security at the entrance for the 25th (?) time.
For all of the previous court hearings, including the two jury trials, we had the same judge. He retired the month before the adoption though so a new judge took his place. Since I had ambivalent feelings for the first judge, I was kind of glad for the change. Plus I was told that the new judge loved adoptions and really tried to make them a memorable occasion.
After a while of waiting in the lobby we were finally called in. Daniel's adoption was the last one for the day so the judge was relaxed and happy. One more time of walking through those same heavy doors into the same courtroom....so many memories. The adoption was a happy occasion. The judge asked lots of questions, gave Daniel gifts, let him wear his judge's robe, we took lots of pictures... And then we said good-bye and thanked the caseworkers, the attorneys, the judge, and walked out of that courthouse for what I hoped would be the last time. That period of my life was over--and I wasn't sorry to say good-bye!
The adoption legalized a relationship that had already been established and I was suddenly overwhelmed with the big task ahead--raising a child! The real work was beginning and we were moving forward. It's been two years now; in many ways it's gone by quickly, in other ways those early years of Daniel's life seem so long ago. I'm crazy over him and love being a mom but I often find myself asking God for help, and strength, and wisdom because I need it every single day.
My mom received the call about my dad's death several days prior to his funeral. It's hard to feel much emotion for someone you can't remember, but still, I felt sorrow. I was sad that he died alone. I was sad that the chance to meet him would never come. Throughout my growing up years he was always somewhere out there. I had a father; I had seen his pictures. I had not felt the desire to meet him until one point in my mid-twenties, but I never acted on it because I think deep down I was afraid. It was easier to not alter my world.
When news of his death came though, my chance was forever gone. And it made me sad. His funeral would be on the Hualapai reservation--though he was not there at the time of his death. He was full blood Native American so there would be a traditional wake lasting through the night. I wanted to go. Part of me was curious about the other half of my heritage. The other part of me just wanted to pay my respects. After all he gave me life. But it was not to be.
His service was scheduled for Friday, August 20th. There was no way I could be there because the adoption date for my little boy was set for that morning. So it was time to grieve alone and then look forward to the task of raising a boy who I prayed would become the kind of man that my father was not able to be.
Friday morning my mom, Daniel, and I drove to the courthouse with a close friend. Our pastors and some other special people from DHS would meet us there. I felt all the familiar waves of anxiety and nausea that I had felt so many times before while driving to the courthouse. My head kept telling me that this was going to be a good day. This was a happy occasion. But my body couldn't shake the memories of all the previous court hearings which had been so emotional and hard. I was still shaking from nerves when I went through the security at the entrance for the 25th (?) time.
For all of the previous court hearings, including the two jury trials, we had the same judge. He retired the month before the adoption though so a new judge took his place. Since I had ambivalent feelings for the first judge, I was kind of glad for the change. Plus I was told that the new judge loved adoptions and really tried to make them a memorable occasion.
After a while of waiting in the lobby we were finally called in. Daniel's adoption was the last one for the day so the judge was relaxed and happy. One more time of walking through those same heavy doors into the same courtroom....so many memories. The adoption was a happy occasion. The judge asked lots of questions, gave Daniel gifts, let him wear his judge's robe, we took lots of pictures... And then we said good-bye and thanked the caseworkers, the attorneys, the judge, and walked out of that courthouse for what I hoped would be the last time. That period of my life was over--and I wasn't sorry to say good-bye!
The adoption legalized a relationship that had already been established and I was suddenly overwhelmed with the big task ahead--raising a child! The real work was beginning and we were moving forward. It's been two years now; in many ways it's gone by quickly, in other ways those early years of Daniel's life seem so long ago. I'm crazy over him and love being a mom but I often find myself asking God for help, and strength, and wisdom because I need it every single day.
Monday, July 23, 2012
the wonderful world of boys
As a teenager I enjoyed babysitting and it was even more fun when it was little boys! I always said when I had children that I hoped I had at least a couple of boys. I enjoyed their energy, their play, and really just thought they were fun.
Fast forward a few years and now I have a 5 year bundle of energy 'round the clock! He thinks differently, he plays differently, he is noisy and physical, and he is interested in a lot of things that I would never be interested in on my own!
But the fun things is that I am learning to enjoy his world....
one morning last week we heard the sounds of big trucks down the street. Daniel immediately perked up and started begging to see what was happening. After I had my coffee and got dressed we walked down the street to where a water truck, a dump truck, and a digger (? or excavator? or...?) were getting ready to start working. I was completely unenthusiastic on our way down there; the sun was hot and what could be more tedious than staring at trucks?
we found a patch of shade and settled in for the show :-) And what I thought would be so boring actually turned out to be pretty interesting! (in fact I think I was having more fun than Daniel!)
So I found myself grateful for that morning for a little boy whose curiosity has opened new worlds for me. I was grateful that he took my hand as we walked down the street and wanted to share his excitement with me. I'm learning to enjoy the moment and look at the world with new eyes :-)
Thursday, June 14, 2012
just reminding myself.
Well, it's been a while since I've written anything! Sometimes I compose writings in my head but by the time the house is quiet and my work is done for the day I'm usually too tired to type anything coherent so I don't bother ;-) Today I was thinking about how I used to write so much....I kept a regular journal (which I enjoy occasionally looking back and seeing how God has worked in my life), I kept a fairly consistent blog (back when Xanga was popular!), and I wrote poetry. Now I barely do any of those things! Maybe that's why tonight I decided to force myself to write something....
Not that today is the best day for me to be writing because it was one of those frustrating kinds of days....the kind where I come to the end and feel like I wasn't the person I wanted to be. I was a lousy mother, impatient and tired. ::sigh:: Like I tell Daniel when he realizes he messed up, tomorrow is a new day and God's mercies are new every morning.
I don't believe I'm alone in wanting to be the best parent I can be and at times feeling like my child's actions are a direct reflection on my parenting abilites/skills/methods. That is a burden I have to continually give to God. I think I struggle with expectations of myself partially because I am a single parent. I feel like that is already one strike against me (whether it's true or not). I once read an editorial--more like a rant--of Ann Coulter's where she threw up all of the statistics of children raised in single parent homes and basically blamed most of society's problems on the single mothers of the country. I 100% agree that the best and ideal situation is two parents. I know too well the difficulties of growing up with one parent. It's not easy to be the mother or the child. And obviously the statistics don't lie. But they hang over my head and often I think "I don't want to be the single parent with the out of control child!" So I remind myself over and over again I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING!!! All I have to do is be a mother with God's strength, with God's help, and for His glory. That's it. And in my weakness He can be strong. I am trying to learn to be humble and ask for help and prayer when I need it and realize that it's okay to sometimes not have it all together! I want people to look at my life (and Daniel's life) and say yes, God is good and faithful. I want Him to get all glory, but it won't be by my striving in my own strength.
I was going to write more but my brain is getting tired again! So I'll save it for later.
I'm so thankful that God's mercies truly are new every morning.
Not that today is the best day for me to be writing because it was one of those frustrating kinds of days....the kind where I come to the end and feel like I wasn't the person I wanted to be. I was a lousy mother, impatient and tired. ::sigh:: Like I tell Daniel when he realizes he messed up, tomorrow is a new day and God's mercies are new every morning.
I don't believe I'm alone in wanting to be the best parent I can be and at times feeling like my child's actions are a direct reflection on my parenting abilites/skills/methods. That is a burden I have to continually give to God. I think I struggle with expectations of myself partially because I am a single parent. I feel like that is already one strike against me (whether it's true or not). I once read an editorial--more like a rant--of Ann Coulter's where she threw up all of the statistics of children raised in single parent homes and basically blamed most of society's problems on the single mothers of the country. I 100% agree that the best and ideal situation is two parents. I know too well the difficulties of growing up with one parent. It's not easy to be the mother or the child. And obviously the statistics don't lie. But they hang over my head and often I think "I don't want to be the single parent with the out of control child!" So I remind myself over and over again I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING!!! All I have to do is be a mother with God's strength, with God's help, and for His glory. That's it. And in my weakness He can be strong. I am trying to learn to be humble and ask for help and prayer when I need it and realize that it's okay to sometimes not have it all together! I want people to look at my life (and Daniel's life) and say yes, God is good and faithful. I want Him to get all glory, but it won't be by my striving in my own strength.
I was going to write more but my brain is getting tired again! So I'll save it for later.
I'm so thankful that God's mercies truly are new every morning.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
and life goes on
We spent several days prepping for a garage sale which he had last weekend. In the process I had to sort through Daniel's baby and toddler items. Whatever was left I posted on Craigslist ::sigh:: it put me in a sentimental mood, realizing how quickly time is passing and taking me back again to memories of his baby and toddler days.
As trite as it sounds, it really seems like yesterday that Daniel was a baby. And yet it also seems so long ago since much of the events occurring during that time have been pushed out of my mind.
Allan's case took several weeks to be transferred to the appropriate DHS department--to a permanency planning caseworker. During that time we attempted to settle into a routine, read through his case file, and figure out what we were doing!!!
By June, when Daniel was 5 months old, we had met the permanency planning worker. He would be creating a plan for the biological parents to complete in order for Daniel to be returned to their custody. He also established a plan for supervised visitation between Daniel and his biological parents at the DHS office.
Under pediatrician's guidance and with the help of Sooner Start therapists, we were working with Daniel to be on track with developmental milestones. Due to rib and arm fractures he lacked upper body strength and needed help with being on his tummy and pushing up. By this time, although he was supposed to start sleeping through the night, he was experiencing what was described as night terrors, sometimes during naps, often at night. Sleepless nights were normal and the night terrors increased in the nights following visitations.
I had read through all of Daniel's case file which included pages of hospital records. It was very tedious but I was determined to know all about Daniel's history. As we met with attorneys and caseworkers throughout the summer of '07 I was surprised that several of them seemed to be uninformed about what exactly had brought Allan into DHS custody. Of course each of them had far more cases than they were supposed to have since "the system" is overloaded. It was frustating though to feel as if no one had the time to thoroughly look at Daniel's case as decisions were being made.
When parent visits became more regular at the DHS office, my mom took Daniel for the one hour visit. We felt it would be more comfortable for the parents since she could be more of a mother figure to them and help "coach" them in the visits.
Although the parents had started taking parenting classes, the state had surprisingly opted to bypass a treatment plan and the decision of the Assistant District Attorney was to terminate parental rights. A jury trial was scheduled for the beginning of September. If rights were terminated Daniel would be available for adoption. Well, adoption wasn't my plan and since he would have been in our home such a short time I would not necessarily be looked at as first choice.
Monday, September 10th, 2007, was the day jury selection would begin. My mom was planning to be at the court house. An attorney called our home mid morning to inform us that the ADA decided to drop the case. DHS would draw up a treatment plan and work for Daniel to be sent home within a few months. And oh, yeah, the case would be transferred to another worker within a few weeks. I don't do sudden changes well and these changes required more strength than I felt I had at that moment.
I jsut remember sitting in my bed that night praying, praying, praying. And the emotional roller coaster was just starting.
As trite as it sounds, it really seems like yesterday that Daniel was a baby. And yet it also seems so long ago since much of the events occurring during that time have been pushed out of my mind.
Allan's case took several weeks to be transferred to the appropriate DHS department--to a permanency planning caseworker. During that time we attempted to settle into a routine, read through his case file, and figure out what we were doing!!!
By June, when Daniel was 5 months old, we had met the permanency planning worker. He would be creating a plan for the biological parents to complete in order for Daniel to be returned to their custody. He also established a plan for supervised visitation between Daniel and his biological parents at the DHS office.
Under pediatrician's guidance and with the help of Sooner Start therapists, we were working with Daniel to be on track with developmental milestones. Due to rib and arm fractures he lacked upper body strength and needed help with being on his tummy and pushing up. By this time, although he was supposed to start sleeping through the night, he was experiencing what was described as night terrors, sometimes during naps, often at night. Sleepless nights were normal and the night terrors increased in the nights following visitations.
I had read through all of Daniel's case file which included pages of hospital records. It was very tedious but I was determined to know all about Daniel's history. As we met with attorneys and caseworkers throughout the summer of '07 I was surprised that several of them seemed to be uninformed about what exactly had brought Allan into DHS custody. Of course each of them had far more cases than they were supposed to have since "the system" is overloaded. It was frustating though to feel as if no one had the time to thoroughly look at Daniel's case as decisions were being made.
When parent visits became more regular at the DHS office, my mom took Daniel for the one hour visit. We felt it would be more comfortable for the parents since she could be more of a mother figure to them and help "coach" them in the visits.
Although the parents had started taking parenting classes, the state had surprisingly opted to bypass a treatment plan and the decision of the Assistant District Attorney was to terminate parental rights. A jury trial was scheduled for the beginning of September. If rights were terminated Daniel would be available for adoption. Well, adoption wasn't my plan and since he would have been in our home such a short time I would not necessarily be looked at as first choice.
Monday, September 10th, 2007, was the day jury selection would begin. My mom was planning to be at the court house. An attorney called our home mid morning to inform us that the ADA decided to drop the case. DHS would draw up a treatment plan and work for Daniel to be sent home within a few months. And oh, yeah, the case would be transferred to another worker within a few weeks. I don't do sudden changes well and these changes required more strength than I felt I had at that moment.
I jsut remember sitting in my bed that night praying, praying, praying. And the emotional roller coaster was just starting.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
April 19, 2007
April 19, 2007. The day my life changed forever. It started with a phone call in the morning. The DHS worker had been scheduled to bring our contract to sign in the afternoon. She called to ask if she could bring a baby boy when she brought the contract. He had spent a couple of nights in the hospital because of bone fractures and had spent one night at the shelter. Because of his injuries they wanted to get him into a home right away. So sudden and unexpected. My mom asked if she could call back with an answer. Her big concern was that he might cry a lot if he was in pain and would he cry all night? We prayed and said, well why not?
April 19, 2007. The caseworker walked through the front door that afternoon, contract in one hand baby carrier in the other.
A beautiful baby boy sleeping peacefully with a pacifier. A naive 24 year old who had no idea what was in store. And a "mimi" who wasn't "Mimi" yet because the infant was too young for us to have to worry about titles. All three of us were facing one hard journey. Good thing we didn't know it at the time!
That day all we knew was the baby had injuries; his arm was in a makeshift sling thanks to the shelter staff. We scrambled to gather baby supplies and make sense of all the paperwork and what was happening. He was scheduled to have an MRI and full body scan within the week in order to assess all the injuries.
The goal was reunification with his parents. We could expect to have him for 6 months-1 year. Still we had no idea what that involved and were completely clueless as to how the court and child welfare system functioned. Looking back I realize I was so naive!
April 24, 2007
It has been an absolute delight to have Daniel here...even though it is a lot of work :) He is such a beautiful baby and so much fun! Babies are so neat! I didn't realize how amazing and fun they are.
May 28, 2007
Having Daniel here is bittersweet. I love being with him and taking care of him. It's always in the back of my mind that I am going to give him up someday
DHS asks that foster parents keep "life books" for each child so that they can take it with them when they move to another placement or return to their parents. We took pictures and I began working on a book for him, keeping track of his developmental milestones and other fun things. At various times we gave pages to his biological mother as well as kept pages here. I had planned to write letters to Daniel that I would send with him so that he would have a record of how much I loved him even though I figured that if he moved after a year he wouldn't remember me. This was the first letter I composed:
May 9, 2007
Dear Daniel,
I just put you down for a nap after rocking you to sleep; you looked so peaceful and adorable! Tomorrow it will be three weeks that you have been in our home.
It has been so much fun to watch you grow and change! In the short time that you have been here we have watched you learn to suck your fingers, hold things, start to laugh, and kick your arms and legs.
I love to sit and "talk" with you and see you smile and laugh. I also love to watch you when you start kicking and waving your arms so energetically!
I didn't know it was possible to love a little baby so much. I feel that through your life God is teaching me so much about His love, and that He's also going to continue to teach me about true, agape love. I know that God wants me to learn to love with the kind of love that wants what is best for someone else.
You are so special and so loved. I really believe God has great things for your life and every day I pray that God's purpose for your life will be fulfilled. The first weeks you were here, I prayed for you all those nights that I got up to feed you. I will always have good memories of those nights I fed you and prayed for you and sang to you :)
The next few months were a learning experience for sure. I hope to write more about it soon. But for now, I'm tired!
April 19, 2007. The caseworker walked through the front door that afternoon, contract in one hand baby carrier in the other.
A beautiful baby boy sleeping peacefully with a pacifier. A naive 24 year old who had no idea what was in store. And a "mimi" who wasn't "Mimi" yet because the infant was too young for us to have to worry about titles. All three of us were facing one hard journey. Good thing we didn't know it at the time!
That day all we knew was the baby had injuries; his arm was in a makeshift sling thanks to the shelter staff. We scrambled to gather baby supplies and make sense of all the paperwork and what was happening. He was scheduled to have an MRI and full body scan within the week in order to assess all the injuries.
The goal was reunification with his parents. We could expect to have him for 6 months-1 year. Still we had no idea what that involved and were completely clueless as to how the court and child welfare system functioned. Looking back I realize I was so naive!
April 24, 2007
It has been an absolute delight to have Daniel here...even though it is a lot of work :) He is such a beautiful baby and so much fun! Babies are so neat! I didn't realize how amazing and fun they are.
May 28, 2007
Having Daniel here is bittersweet. I love being with him and taking care of him. It's always in the back of my mind that I am going to give him up someday
DHS asks that foster parents keep "life books" for each child so that they can take it with them when they move to another placement or return to their parents. We took pictures and I began working on a book for him, keeping track of his developmental milestones and other fun things. At various times we gave pages to his biological mother as well as kept pages here. I had planned to write letters to Daniel that I would send with him so that he would have a record of how much I loved him even though I figured that if he moved after a year he wouldn't remember me. This was the first letter I composed:
May 9, 2007
Dear Daniel,
I just put you down for a nap after rocking you to sleep; you looked so peaceful and adorable! Tomorrow it will be three weeks that you have been in our home.
It has been so much fun to watch you grow and change! In the short time that you have been here we have watched you learn to suck your fingers, hold things, start to laugh, and kick your arms and legs.
I love to sit and "talk" with you and see you smile and laugh. I also love to watch you when you start kicking and waving your arms so energetically!
I didn't know it was possible to love a little baby so much. I feel that through your life God is teaching me so much about His love, and that He's also going to continue to teach me about true, agape love. I know that God wants me to learn to love with the kind of love that wants what is best for someone else.
You are so special and so loved. I really believe God has great things for your life and every day I pray that God's purpose for your life will be fulfilled. The first weeks you were here, I prayed for you all those nights that I got up to feed you. I will always have good memories of those nights I fed you and prayed for you and sang to you :)
The next few months were a learning experience for sure. I hope to write more about it soon. But for now, I'm tired!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Before April 19, 2007
Tomorrow, April 19, 2012, marks five years since Daniel was brought to our home. I hope to write more about it tomorrow--if I can find the time--but I recently pulled out old journals to reflect on the months leading up to Daniel's arrival. I plan to share some excerpts from my journal entries here...because at the time I had no idea what was coming!
January 20, 2006
I had a lovely dream last night. I remember nothing except sitting with a little boy on my lap. He was about 4 years old, had a sweatsuit on and had beautiful dark hair. I was hugging him (had my arms around him from behind). He was laughing and I had my head against his--with his pretty hair.
(I had forgotten all about that dream until Daniel was about 3 and one day I was sitting with him and flashed back to that dream, because his hair was the very same as the boy in my dream. So I hunted through my journals until I found that entry.)
Feb 10, 2006
...today I was thinking about all the teens in foster care that no one wants.... I would totally take teenagers.... (I must have been thinking way down the road since I was 23 at the time)
I had other ideas that went along with this. It seems kind of silly and far out but last night I was so excited to think about it that I was ready to plant my garden today! I can't take a foster kid today but I need to remember that today is today and tomorrow is not yet. I would even consider adoption.
March 9, 2006
Our foster parenting plans have taken quite a few variations and now we've settled on doing respite for therapeutic kids. It wasn't what I wanted but that's okay. Anyway we have a lot of stuff to do before the end of the month.
March 20, 2006
Last night we went to the shelter (DHS shelter) I love going there even though it breaks my heart. I just want to take the kids home. We plan to be certified through Bair at the end of this month. We are finishing up our last requirements.
April 9, 2006
We got certified for foster parenting this past Wednesday. I am so excited! I can't wait until we actually have a child here :)
Up until that time I had been struggling in my Christian walk and was in a time of deep discouragement. It was in April of 2006 that God totally turned my life around and I was revived spiritually. Our home was certified through the Bair Foundation which was a Christian agency that placed children who were considered "therapeutic." That meant they required a higher level of training and care because they frequently had emotional issues and often were on medication (or several medications as we soon found out)
During the rest of 2006 we provided respite care for over a dozen children ranging in age from 2-17. Often it was just for a weekend. Perhaps sometime I'll write more about that, but for now I will say that it was not easy! It was very stretching and I realized how much of God's love one really needs in order to truly love a hurting child or teenager. A brief excerpt from my journal December 2006 reads "Today we get the next two girls. Last weekend was hard. It was intense. Sometimes it was so hard to see past the external behaviors and attitudes and really love the girls. I had compassion and I know they both had a lot of hurts and needs, but the intensity of the situation would at times make me want to shut down and not want to love them. Fostering is really hard."
As the time drew closer for us to have to be re-certified through Bair, they were trying to find a young child to place in our home for longer term. Every child that was going to be placed ended up being placed in a different home. At that time we made the decision to leave Bair and be certified for "regular" foster care directly through DHS.
March 30, 2007
We're picking up our Bair papers next Tuesday so we are officially going with DHS. I'm excited. Last night on the news they were talking about the waiting child program. It just breaks my heart to see that!!!
April 2, 2007
(We had been at a house church meeting the day before) Yesterday _____ taught on "transition." It was good and thought-provoking. Sometimes it would be nice to know what I am transitioning to. I need discernment right now.
And then I followed that entry with several verses....though the verses speak of sons and also Mary's words to God which I have since referenced, at the time I believe I wrote the verses in regards to prayer. At least that is my recollection.
"And Hannah was in bitterness of soul and prayed unto the Lord and wept sore. And she vowed a vow and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a manchild, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head. (I Sam 1:11)
For this child I prayed, and said, My heart rejoiceth in the Lord, mine horn is exalted in the Lord: my mouth is enlarged over mine enemies; because I rejoice in thy salvation (I Sam 2:1)
For with God nothing shall be impossible. And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord, be it unto me according to thy word... (Luke 1:37-38)
Less than 3 weeks later, a baby boy was brought to our home.
January 20, 2006
I had a lovely dream last night. I remember nothing except sitting with a little boy on my lap. He was about 4 years old, had a sweatsuit on and had beautiful dark hair. I was hugging him (had my arms around him from behind). He was laughing and I had my head against his--with his pretty hair.
(I had forgotten all about that dream until Daniel was about 3 and one day I was sitting with him and flashed back to that dream, because his hair was the very same as the boy in my dream. So I hunted through my journals until I found that entry.)
Feb 10, 2006
...today I was thinking about all the teens in foster care that no one wants.... I would totally take teenagers.... (I must have been thinking way down the road since I was 23 at the time)
Feb 12, 2006
During this past week I've been pondering a lot of things....and struggling to find a sense of purpose. Through a series of things I suddenly got this "vision" yesterday. I don't mean a vision where I was transported, but just like...well, I can't explain it. I could just "see" it. Backing up a little....I suddenly have become very fascinated with the idea of living close to nature and being more self-sufficient.....I want to grow a garden! I have never been exactly interested in vegetable gardening at all, until now. But going on....I just sort of pictured having a house with a garden. Then taking in foster kids of any age, but especially teens [was I crazy?!?]I had other ideas that went along with this. It seems kind of silly and far out but last night I was so excited to think about it that I was ready to plant my garden today! I can't take a foster kid today but I need to remember that today is today and tomorrow is not yet. I would even consider adoption.
March 9, 2006
Our foster parenting plans have taken quite a few variations and now we've settled on doing respite for therapeutic kids. It wasn't what I wanted but that's okay. Anyway we have a lot of stuff to do before the end of the month.
March 20, 2006
Last night we went to the shelter (DHS shelter) I love going there even though it breaks my heart. I just want to take the kids home. We plan to be certified through Bair at the end of this month. We are finishing up our last requirements.
April 9, 2006
We got certified for foster parenting this past Wednesday. I am so excited! I can't wait until we actually have a child here :)
Up until that time I had been struggling in my Christian walk and was in a time of deep discouragement. It was in April of 2006 that God totally turned my life around and I was revived spiritually. Our home was certified through the Bair Foundation which was a Christian agency that placed children who were considered "therapeutic." That meant they required a higher level of training and care because they frequently had emotional issues and often were on medication (or several medications as we soon found out)
During the rest of 2006 we provided respite care for over a dozen children ranging in age from 2-17. Often it was just for a weekend. Perhaps sometime I'll write more about that, but for now I will say that it was not easy! It was very stretching and I realized how much of God's love one really needs in order to truly love a hurting child or teenager. A brief excerpt from my journal December 2006 reads "Today we get the next two girls. Last weekend was hard. It was intense. Sometimes it was so hard to see past the external behaviors and attitudes and really love the girls. I had compassion and I know they both had a lot of hurts and needs, but the intensity of the situation would at times make me want to shut down and not want to love them. Fostering is really hard."
As the time drew closer for us to have to be re-certified through Bair, they were trying to find a young child to place in our home for longer term. Every child that was going to be placed ended up being placed in a different home. At that time we made the decision to leave Bair and be certified for "regular" foster care directly through DHS.
March 30, 2007
We're picking up our Bair papers next Tuesday so we are officially going with DHS. I'm excited. Last night on the news they were talking about the waiting child program. It just breaks my heart to see that!!!
April 2, 2007
(We had been at a house church meeting the day before) Yesterday _____ taught on "transition." It was good and thought-provoking. Sometimes it would be nice to know what I am transitioning to. I need discernment right now.
And then I followed that entry with several verses....though the verses speak of sons and also Mary's words to God which I have since referenced, at the time I believe I wrote the verses in regards to prayer. At least that is my recollection.
"And Hannah was in bitterness of soul and prayed unto the Lord and wept sore. And she vowed a vow and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a manchild, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head. (I Sam 1:11)
For this child I prayed, and said, My heart rejoiceth in the Lord, mine horn is exalted in the Lord: my mouth is enlarged over mine enemies; because I rejoice in thy salvation (I Sam 2:1)
For with God nothing shall be impossible. And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord, be it unto me according to thy word... (Luke 1:37-38)
Less than 3 weeks later, a baby boy was brought to our home.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
memories
A couple of weeks ago I was out with Daniel doing errands....we had just bought plants to put in our garden and now he was testing all the riding mowers in front of the store (i.e. sitting on them). I happened to glance across the parking lot and my heart nearly stopped. My knees went weak. I was overcome with panic and just froze. They were too far away for me to see their faces, but the basic silhouettes from a distance reminded of me of Daniel's biological parents. After a moment of extreme panic I realized it probably wasn't them and resumed conversing with Daniel about the lawn mowers. Relief.
Why the extreme reaction? It's not that I dislike them. I have no feelings of malice or anger. Instead I think it brought back a flood of memories from 2.5 hard years that probably none of us want to relive. If I saw them, what would I say? What would they say? Would we talk? Would they be angry? There were times that I shared smiles with Daniel's biological mother over something funny Daniel did during our shared hour of visitation. There were times we conversed in the courtroom lobby, in a mixture of English and Spanish, just as I would with any other young woman my age. And then there were those awful times of stress, and tension filled moments inside the courtroom where it felt so adversarial.
In the end it was a jury who made the final decision about parental rights so it was out of my hands. After the verdict was reached and it was the end of the road for her, I felt no joy. I felt absolutely nothing except weariness and numbness. (Can you feel numbness?) After the trial was over and people said congratulations I thought "congratulations for what? This wasn't my personal battle...I hate to see another person suffer...What makes me better than another?" I knew people meant well and I appreciated their support but it was hard to feel joy at another person's expense. Relief maybe. In addition, the final decision was made based on what was best for Daniel's future. It was no longer based on what had brought him into DHS custody initially. No one was labeled as the "bad guy," and I cannot point a finger and say "so and so 'did it'" because I don't know and know one will probably ever know.
In the months leading up to the end of her parental rights, I prayed a lot for her (and him). They were not selfish prayers but prayers for their spiritual well-being. Those prayers had truly transformed my heart and feelings towards them, so that my emotions were no longer conflicted but I truly wanted God's best for them. Now 1.5 years later I admit I am not so faithful to pray for them. But my "glimpse" of them the other day reminded me that they are still out there and even if I never see them again they will, in a sense, always be a part of my life. So maybe it's a reminder to pray again.
Why the extreme reaction? It's not that I dislike them. I have no feelings of malice or anger. Instead I think it brought back a flood of memories from 2.5 hard years that probably none of us want to relive. If I saw them, what would I say? What would they say? Would we talk? Would they be angry? There were times that I shared smiles with Daniel's biological mother over something funny Daniel did during our shared hour of visitation. There were times we conversed in the courtroom lobby, in a mixture of English and Spanish, just as I would with any other young woman my age. And then there were those awful times of stress, and tension filled moments inside the courtroom where it felt so adversarial.
In the end it was a jury who made the final decision about parental rights so it was out of my hands. After the verdict was reached and it was the end of the road for her, I felt no joy. I felt absolutely nothing except weariness and numbness. (Can you feel numbness?) After the trial was over and people said congratulations I thought "congratulations for what? This wasn't my personal battle...I hate to see another person suffer...What makes me better than another?" I knew people meant well and I appreciated their support but it was hard to feel joy at another person's expense. Relief maybe. In addition, the final decision was made based on what was best for Daniel's future. It was no longer based on what had brought him into DHS custody initially. No one was labeled as the "bad guy," and I cannot point a finger and say "so and so 'did it'" because I don't know and know one will probably ever know.
In the months leading up to the end of her parental rights, I prayed a lot for her (and him). They were not selfish prayers but prayers for their spiritual well-being. Those prayers had truly transformed my heart and feelings towards them, so that my emotions were no longer conflicted but I truly wanted God's best for them. Now 1.5 years later I admit I am not so faithful to pray for them. But my "glimpse" of them the other day reminded me that they are still out there and even if I never see them again they will, in a sense, always be a part of my life. So maybe it's a reminder to pray again.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Some days I feel very alone, kinda scared, and a bit overwhelmed by an unknown future.
And then I remember Jesus' words "I am with you always even until the end of the age..." and I tell myself that everything is going to be okay because Jesus is with me. Everyday. Every moment. In every uncertainty I feel and in every decision I have to make.
Most of the time I don't want anyone to know I feel that way....I'd rather be oh, capable and strong. I have a hard time asking for help, and often try to do so much by myself that I can wear myself out! (maybe not unlike a child?) Sometimes even to rely on God is a major battle, though I believe that he wants me to accept my limitations, learn that it's okay to be weak at times, and then trust Him.
There are days that I wish that I could just see the future just so I would know that it's all going to be okay.
"I am with you..." He is with me now, at this very moment and that is all that matters.
And then I remember Jesus' words "I am with you always even until the end of the age..." and I tell myself that everything is going to be okay because Jesus is with me. Everyday. Every moment. In every uncertainty I feel and in every decision I have to make.
Most of the time I don't want anyone to know I feel that way....I'd rather be oh, capable and strong. I have a hard time asking for help, and often try to do so much by myself that I can wear myself out! (maybe not unlike a child?) Sometimes even to rely on God is a major battle, though I believe that he wants me to accept my limitations, learn that it's okay to be weak at times, and then trust Him.
There are days that I wish that I could just see the future just so I would know that it's all going to be okay.
"I am with you..." He is with me now, at this very moment and that is all that matters.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
If I could do it over again....
For some reason recently I had this memory just come out of nowhere.
A few years ago I was in line at the grocery story behind an elderly man. I was waiting as the cashier rang up all of his groceries. When she finished and gave the total price he handed her his Access card (welfare.) She swiped the card and informed him that the balance on the card would not cover all of his groceries.
He didn't have a lot in his basket as it was. It wasn't overflowing with abundant food, but it must have been towards the end of the month when the card balance was depleted. Thus he began the task of eliminating some of his purchases.
As I was waiting and watching I thought to myself, "I could offer to pay the difference...." This was my chance to be a blessing. It was really only the difference of a few dollars and I had those few dollars in my wallet.
Then I began to reason and I stopped. And this is where I have regrets.
I decided that since he had a few frivolous purchases in his basket (like ice cream) it was not my responsibility to pay for frivolous purchases. After all he was taking out the "real" food and leaving the ice cream in his basket. Whatever possessed me to reason this way I don't know. Does someone who is poor not deserve some fun treats? Why did I set myself up as the health police?
I know all about not giving handouts to people who are just going to waste it on drugs or alcohol but when I think back on that incident I feel so badly and embarrassed at my attitude.
I don't know why this memory from a few years ago came into my thoughts last week, except that I prayed that I might have another opportunity to bless a stranger. And I hope I am paying attention when God answers that prayer!
A few years ago I was in line at the grocery story behind an elderly man. I was waiting as the cashier rang up all of his groceries. When she finished and gave the total price he handed her his Access card (welfare.) She swiped the card and informed him that the balance on the card would not cover all of his groceries.
He didn't have a lot in his basket as it was. It wasn't overflowing with abundant food, but it must have been towards the end of the month when the card balance was depleted. Thus he began the task of eliminating some of his purchases.
As I was waiting and watching I thought to myself, "I could offer to pay the difference...." This was my chance to be a blessing. It was really only the difference of a few dollars and I had those few dollars in my wallet.
Then I began to reason and I stopped. And this is where I have regrets.
I decided that since he had a few frivolous purchases in his basket (like ice cream) it was not my responsibility to pay for frivolous purchases. After all he was taking out the "real" food and leaving the ice cream in his basket. Whatever possessed me to reason this way I don't know. Does someone who is poor not deserve some fun treats? Why did I set myself up as the health police?
I know all about not giving handouts to people who are just going to waste it on drugs or alcohol but when I think back on that incident I feel so badly and embarrassed at my attitude.
I don't know why this memory from a few years ago came into my thoughts last week, except that I prayed that I might have another opportunity to bless a stranger. And I hope I am paying attention when God answers that prayer!
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