be it unto me...

The aspect of the Christmas story I have been contemplating this year is Mary. My thoughts began a couple of weeks ago when I got into a conversation about adoption with a woman I met, a friend of a friend. She was sharing about her family's pending adoption of a teenage boy. I briefly spoke of my adoption journey with Daniel. I found her response to Daniel's story amusing because it was something like, "wow! That is so neat! It just makes me think of Mary!" That was a laughable thought.

She went on to explain that just hearing what I told her of the last few years made her think of how perhaps Mary had completely different plans for her life, which did not include becoming pregnant with the Son of God. Yet Mary yielded to God's will and said, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be unto me according to your word.” (Luke 1:38)

Often when I talk about adoption people ask me if I have always had an interest in adoption. The short answer is no. While I wasn't opposed to it being a possibility in my life, I wasn't passionate about someday adopting.  I had never given it much thought prior to when I started the fostering training, and if I ever did consider adopting, I pictured it being way down the road after getting married.

When I was a senior in high school I used to fill out those time wasting surveys that would go around on email and one of the questions was usually something along the lines of "where do you see yourself in ten years?" I assure you when I pictured myself at 27, my picture did not include being in a difficult fostering situation trying to make decisions about adoption as a single person.

So I think about Mary--and I am in no way attempting to compare myself to Mary! But for some reason this year I have thought more about what she might have experienced both when she was carrying Jesus and through the years as he was growing up. Of course this is all speculation because the Bible doesn't give details on these matters. I imagine though that some people may have thought she was a little odd. There were probably those that didn't believe her story. She was likely misjudged, and I wonder if perhaps it continued throughout her life, especially if people thought her son--Jesus--was kind of strange by claiming to be the son of God.

I thought about how she was so young , betrothed to Joseph, probably looking forward to a happy future... and then the angel appeared and disrupted all those plans. And yet she set aside her will and her plans for God's plan. Could I have done what Mary did? I don't know. But I do know that I, like all Christians, am called to lay aside my will and plans for God's will throughout life.

I ventured into an unknown future when I said yes to Daniel. If I could go back to four years ago, I would make the same decisions even though it has meant sacrifice and some days of feeling overwhelmed.

Probably the biggest struggle for me is finding where I "fit" and knowing exactly how to integrate all the aspects of my life. I also find it a bit awkward when I meet new people--which has happened a lot since attending a new, large church....I get asked questions like "where does your husband work?" since people assume that having a child equals marriage. I obviously can't go through the whole last 4+ years in order to update people on my life story, nor do I want to say "well I'm a single person that adopted" when Daniel is standing right there. He knows he is adopted and he's got an amazing life story, but I don't want it to be his "label." Sometimes I wish I could just go around with a sign on my back saying "hello, I am an adoptive mother who went into fostering because I love children and wanted to help children in the foster system. Yes I am a single mother and Daniel is my only child. So we are a bit unconventional but variety is the spice of life. Thank you for your prayers and support." Then maybe I could avoid some discomfort on my part =)

So I said yes to God and even though Daniel can be a bundle of energy (sometimes naughty energy that wears me out!) I really have fun and I am crazy about him. My life is full and blessed and I feel especially grateful when I look at his peaceful sleeping face at night.

I hope that I can remember in each of the coming days to, like Mary, say yes to whatever God has planned even if it's a different path than what I thought.

a falling tree and a fragile child

One week ago I finally found time to go buy a Christmas tree. I took Daniel with me, and even though his attention span last all of a few minutes, we did come away with a tree that we were both satisfied with! That day we had about enough time to get it put in the stand and placed in the living room; the decorating would have to wait several days.

This past Monday we made salt dough ornaments and also began pulling out Christmas decorations. We placed ornaments on the tree, reminiscing about people who had given us the ornaments, especially my grandma. By the time we went to bed on Monday, the tree looked quite nice...even though there were clumps of ornaments here and there--clumps which Daniel had oh-so-carefully arranged :-)

By Tuesday the salt dough ornaments were ready to paint. Daniel was crazy with excitement! He carefully painted each one and then left them to dry until the afternoon. Shortly before it was time for my afternoon students to come, we threaded string through the ornaments and Daniel went about finding places to hang them on the tree.

I was sitting in the dining room cutting string and saw Daniel standing on the back of the couch in order to reach up higher on the tree. Then I heard a strange sound, saw Daniel's horrified expression, and watched as the tree disappeared from my view...onto the floor. I walked into the living room and saw puddles of water creeping along the floor, an abundance of pine needles covering the furniture and floor, and several ornaments that had flown off the tree! Not a pretty sight. Thankfully it was pretty easy to clean up and only a few ornaments had been broken but they could be easily glued back together.

Meanwhile, Daniel was letting loose with wails and cries of dismay. He was totally upset that the tree was on the floor and even worse his ornaments were sitting in puddles of water. I didn't react but just picked the tree up and told him it was okay and could all be put back together. Daniel however could not be calmed and began blaming himself and calling himself the "D word" (that's one of the banned words in our house--dumb.) I tried to tell him it was an accident and accidents happen but he completely blamed himself and then got angry at me for trying to tell him it was okay. He ran out of the room and my mom commented that he must still feel a lot of deep rejection from his early months. I agreed. Eventually he settled and came back and all was well again.

I don't talk about Daniel's early months very much anymore. In fact I don't think about it much anymore. The stress of the first two years of his life was so intense that I happily left it behind, and for the sake of his privacy I rarely talk about it much with others. For the most part Daniel is a confident, happy, bright, articulate child and most people--unless they witness a full-blown tantrum--probably think of him as pretty normal. And for the most part he is. (I hate to use the word "normal" anyway because what is normal?)

On those difficult days though I have to remind myself that Daniel's first couple of years were not normal. He endured a lot of stress and confusion and unfortunately those stress chemicals affected his brain. Every so often I flash back to one of the many times as a baby that he raged and struggled with intense emotions.  I'm no expert in psychology but I studied enough (earned a Bachelor's degree in it), as did my mom, to know that Daniel's very earliest experiences, even from the womb, have affected him. We all endured many sleepless nights when night terrors interrupted everyone's sleep. We held him and comforted him when he raged and couldn't verbalize the emotions that surged inside of him.

So back to the Christmas tree incident....it made me sad to think that he would be so harsh on himself for something so accidental. Even though Daniel is usually confident and appears resilient, I realized yet again that inside he still has a fragile part of him that struggles with insecurity and maybe wondering if he's really "okay." I only recently went into more explanation with him of what "adopted" means. I've read that those who are adopted sometimes experience insecurity and feelings of rejection because of the fact that they are no longer with their birth mother. I see how Daniel so desperately craves approval from those that he admires and I always pray that those desires will never lead him down the wrong path.

Ultimately I pray that Daniel continues to heal as he is surrounded by loving people, but especially as he opens his heart to God's love, for I believe that some of the deepest hurts can only be healed by God. We have come a long way in the last few years so I'm looking to a hopeful future and praying that I can continue to walk with love and grace.

just thoughts....

wow, it's been a while since I've written here. I have wanted to write about some of my thoughts and the various transitions in these past few months, but the days have gone by so quickly that by the time the house is quiet I am too tired to pull the computer out.

There have been life transitions recently, some good and necessary, all of them hard (for me). I don't really seek after change; all of my life I have been slow to warm up to new ideas....always wanting to test the waters before plunging in.

The passing of my maternal grandma at the end of September meant loss and change. Following her passing were two out of town trips, which included the opportunity to see family members that I had not seen in several years. It marked the closing of semi-regular trips to Ohio that have been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember, and saying goodbye to her condominium which held many memories.

Meanwhile, my days continue to fly by. Daniel is growing and changing and with his growth I have had to grow as well. I have had to expand my world and be willing to make necessary changes. At times it leaves me feeling uncertain and not quite sure where I fit in life. But nothing stays the same and it requires me to be open to whatever God has next. I guess it could be called walking by faith.....I have to keep moving forward even though I don't know what's ahead!

And that is where I have to trust God. Daniel's child like faith reminds me of that. Lately, when he/we come against a problem his solution is to pray about it. A few weeks ago he and I were in the backyard; I sat and watched while he zoomed his trucks all over the yard. Daniel loves anything that has to do with cars, engines, tires, hubcaps, etc. On this particular day he was racing around with a Chevy Tahoe on which he had taped round magnets onto the hubcaps. (It was a perfect fit and it made the hubcaps look black.) Suddenly he began screeching that one of the magnets had fallen off and would I please find it for him. The request was along the lines of finding a needle in a haystack, except in this case it meant finding a small quarter sized magnet somewhere in the leaves and clover of the backyard.

I started to help him look for it, asked him to retrace his steps and meanwhile I was thinking to myself, "should I remind him to pray about this situation?" I want him to grow up to be someone who takes all of his problems to God but this situation just seemed big to me for some reason. It was at a time when I was wrestling with my own questions about God answering prayer and I worried that if Daniel prayed that God would help him find the magnet and then we didn't find the magnet that it would be a disappointment (I was probably more worried about my own fragile faith at the moment) I went ahead and suggested that Daniel and I ask God to help us, which we did.

We continued to shuffle around the yard, digging around leaves--he apparently had covered nearly every square inch of the yard with that Tahoe. Meanwhile I was praying in my head, reminding God that it would mean a lot to Daniel to find the silly magnet.

Finally after circling the yard and following whatever tread marks I could see, I saw the magnet lying in a bit of brush. Daniel was happy and excited, we thanked God and he moved on to the next thing. I gave God extra thanks for once again answering Daniel's prayers for one of those little things that mean so much to him.

Daniel also has some pretty big prayers, beyond my ability to answer. I hope these little prayers encourage his faith. They encourage me to believe God to answer the bigger ones.

Joplin trip 9/10/11

Saturday, Sept 10, my alarm clock woke me up at 4:15a.m. I am not a morning person and I thought to myself "why am I dragging myself out of bed at this crazy hour??" The plan was to meet up with a local group at 5:30 in order to board a bus and pull out for Joplin, MO. After dressing, drinking some coffee, and gathering my stuff together, I said good-bye to my mom and Daniel and left for a day of adventure.

The group I was going with was working with a non-denominational church in Joplin. The church, Abundant Life Christian Center ( http://www.abundantlifejoplin.org/ ) has been supporting relief efforts by housing people displaced by the May tornado, as well as volunteers who have come in to work, whether church groups, individuals, or secular organizations. In addition to housing up to 200 people each week, the church provides three meals per day and has a warehouse of supplies (toiletries, groceries, etc.) which is open to the residents of Joplin each week.

I was told from the outset that I would find out where I was needed once I got there. On my previous trip in June I had worked with Samaritan's Purse clearing debris at specific homesites. I was hoping on this trip to do more of the same, but of course had to be open to whatever I would be asked to do.

We arrived later than planned and the group that was going out to work in Joplin doing debris removal had already left. Soooo, I was going to be assigned to work at the church. No problem, it was a pretty day and there were interesting people to visit with. Since the church has been housing people and stocking a warehouse with semi-loads of donations, there was plenty of work to organize supplies, stock warehouse shelves, organize pallets of water, and clean in the church.

the bus

We Care center (warehouse of supplies for Joplin residents)

semis with donatations

working

The morning passed quickly and we broke for lunch (provided by volunteer cooks at the church) During lunch the pastor's wife expressed her gratitude and mentioned that they may send some people out to work in Joplin during the afternoon. I thought "great--now I can get out really work!" After all I had come prepared with work clothes, goggles, gloves, etc. I was ready to move debris! She then went on to explain that the church had been really stretched in opening their doors. She was feeling overwhelmed at the amount of work there was to do. The registration area needed to be cleaned, the bunk areas needed to be organized, the prayer room need to be resupplied, basically there was lots of cleaning and organization around the church.

So as she was talking, I was thinking to myself..."I did not come all the way to Joplin in order to CLEAN!! I mean I like cleaning but I do enough of it at my own house.... and organizing just sounds flat out boring!" I figured I would just avoid the pastor's wife after lunch that way i wouldn't get pulled into cleaning bathrooms or anything! Yeah, I know I didn't exactly have a servant's heart at that point!

After lunch I visited with some people, signed one of the large tarps hanging around the church that was for volunteers to sign (and there were signatures from ALL over!) and then I found myself unsure of what to do next. I found my group leader and asked where I should start and she directed me to go find the pastor's wife and work with her!!! Right. I was being asked to do the one thing I did not want to do.

I spent the next few hours working right alongside her, cleaning, organizing, and sorting, with barely a break! At times it was tedious but I appreciated the fellowship as well as seeing just how much that particular church was doing for the relief effort.

I think the biggest lesson I learned was to just be a servant in whatever capacity was needed, whether it was my job of choice or not. I saw how every job whether big or little is important because it is all part of the whole. The church itself was not a large church and yet they are doing so much! It has been estimated that the process up rebuilding Joplin could take up to 5 years. As of now the church, Abundant Life Christian Center, has committed to having their doors open and participating in volunteer efforts for 5 years if it takes that long.

People from all walks of life were there to volunteer. In the group that I went with, there was a mother with her two young children, several teenagers, and even two women who were in their 70s!  The pastor's wife emphasized to everyone that there is still a need for volunteers in Joplin. She asked that we continue to spread the word. There was a huge surge of help following the tornado but it has gradually slowed, though the needs remain.

In October, Habitat for Humanity will be in Joplin for a week with a plan to build 7 homes in 7 days. They are hoping for 10,000 volunteers to help. Also in October Extreme Home Makeover will be in Joplin and they too need volunteers.

Before driving back to Tulsa, our driver took us through the city since several in the group had not been to Joplin. I had been there in June and July, but both times we drove through fairly quickly and did a short loop through the hardest hit areas. This time however the driver took us the length of the tornado's path. There have been many changes since I was there last. There is definitely progress but it still brought tears to my eyes. It seemed that this time I really got a better idea of the enormity of the area of devastation. It is absolutely mind-boggling. We saw approximately where the tornado first touched down. I couldn't imagine how terrifying it must have been.

I did not bring a camera but took some pics on my phone from inside the bus...

some houses appear to be exactly as they were right after the tornado

in some areas all that remains are concrete slabs 

a cross that amazingly remained intact even though the church was destroyed

some areas are starting to rebuild

alot of the debris and rubble have been cleared but a pile remains here and there

occasionally there is a destroyed car just out in the middle of nothing

some of those barren trees are starting to get some leaves



a lesson in painting and patience

I am just not that great at delegating. I usually think I can do more than I really can and once I get an idea of how I want to do something it really stresses me if the plans that I envision get "messed up."

One of the projects that has been ongoing for a couple of years now has been Daniel's playhouse/jungle gym/swing set. When he was two years old some dear friends built it for him from scratch. My job was to paint the part that had unfinished wood. I really don't love to paint so it has been slooooowwwww going. Really slow.
I am finally close to being finished and yesterday I decided that I would do a little more and possibly have it finished within a few days. Then along comes Daniel--Mr. Helpful and full of enthusiasm! Um, the only problem was I wanted to do it fast (it was hot outside), and I wanted it to look good. Including little inexperienced hands holding a paintbrush dripping with blue paint was not going to help me achieve my goal.

So I thought I would let him do a couple of swipes and maybe he would get bored. Plus he was wearing a t-shirt that he insists on wearing quite often--one that I don't particularly like. I figured it could be a blessing if it got a few smudges of paint on it because then I could hide the shirt in the laundry!

He was beside himself with excitement when I handed him the paintbrush. He very carefully started with the drippy blue paint.....and he didn't get bored. In fact he was having a great time! He kept exclaiming "this is fun!" "Look how careful I am!" "This is going to look really good!" "See, I am being really careful and filling all the spots in" "This is going to look great for when my friends come over for my birthday!" (which is still about 5 months away)

Meanwhile it was taking every ounce of self control for me to not grab the brush and say, "I'm going to take over now." If it had been a different project--like a room in the house--I likely would have not let him paint since he is inexperienced and makes streaks and blobs!
Like this:

But, in this situation, it is his playhouse. Why not let him help? Why not let him learn to enjoy work and feel good about his accomplishment in the process? I knew he would be really proud of himself and that it would boost his confidence to do a "real" job like painting and have the finished product standing in his backyard.

As I struggled with trying to ignore drips of blue paint that kept ending up where they were not supposed to, I reminded myself that the playhouse is temporal. It is going to peel, decay, and get old anyway. Whereas the jungle gym is an object, Daniel is a human. This was my opportunity to do a project alongside of him and take the opportunity to begin teaching him a useful skill. It was also a chance for me to grow in patience and my encouraging skills. With every "oops" that popped out of Daniel's mouth I bit my tongue and told myself that he was trying really hard and learning often involves a mistake here and there.

Daniel was extremely focused for the duration of the project, and when his part was completed he was SO PROUD! He kept saying "look what I did!" Maybe he'll learn to love painting more than I do and when I'm an old lady he'll come and paint for me!

In the mean time if you come to our house and see drips, blobs, or smudges you'll know why :)  It was Daniel's adventure into the exciting world of painting and my daily lesson of learning to grow in patience and grace.

out of the mouths of babes....

Well, I have had a sadly neglected blog! Life has been full, especially as I have been preparing for a new teaching year and planning Daniel's fall activities. Several times I have composed blog posts in my head but then there is not time to write it down....when I finally sit down to write, my inspiration is gone.

The past few weeks have been busy with organizing and cleaning. I love throwing things away! One of the big projects that needs to be done is putting pictures into books/scrapbooking and continuing to record in Daniel's "life book." So yesterday my mom unearthed a notebook into which I had been writing down Daniel's funny quotes. We laughed crazily over some of the things he has said. One one page I had recorded a song that he was making up nearly a year ago. I believe he was in his bed, supposed to be taking a nap, but instead he was singing at the top of his lungs. I sat in the hallway recording his words. When i reread them last night I was pretty surprised at his "poetry" Here it is:

....And you know the host of Jericho

Our God is strong and powerful

He is always with us

And what he says you would really do if you would believe in Him

Don't you know what listen is?

Going on the way of God

And everyday the verse is written

And everyday you belive in God

Don't you believe? Don't you believe?

Psalm 115 says you must believe in God

And everyday trusting in the Lord is what you say

Everyday don't forget about your feet

As you walk you must be careful

And you must believe

So, there it is....Daniel's 3 year old theological ramblings!

I plan to post about other things soon if I can get it together !

swimming lessons and life lessons

Swimming lessons.....the necessary education that many children must endure. This summer I enrolled Daniel in two weeks of swimming lessons, much to his dismay! Last summer we did parent/child classes at the YMCA and he LOVED it! He was the only child that wasn't crying during the daily 1/2 hour lesson. He's been in the water every summer. But this summer was going to be the first time that he would be in the water without me--and he did not like that thought one bit!

This past Thursday he completed his first week successfully. It was not without much coercion! There are five children in his class, aged 3-5. The first day he begged me to not make him do it. He hung on the side of the pool with a crumpled face, sobbing quietly. He kept looking at me with anguished eyes begging me to let him out. I admit, that I was sooooo nervous and part of me wanted to let him out of the pool so he could be safe with me! But I knew that he could do it, he would be safe, and that in light of the many recent drownings in Oklahoma, swimming is an important skill to learn.

By day 2, Daniel was telling me that he wasn't going to go and when we got to the pool he kept trying to run away.  I had to be firm and I told him that if he wasn't going to come into the pool area that I would get the teacher to come get him. That was enough to get him moving. He resisted getting into the pool, but when he finally did at least there were no more tears.

Wednesday and Thursday mornings were both filled with anxiety. daniel still felt afraid and didn't want to go. By Thursday morning, ALL the children except Daniel and one other boy were hysterical and trying to escape (is swimming really that horrible?)  Thankfully I had a few music students who were here on both mornings who encouraged Daniel that he could do it (and one of them actually had to put Daniel in the car!)

But here's the really neat thing and the reason why I am writing this: I believe the foundation for Daniel's strength and courage was God's Word. We had given him a memory verse, "Surely God is my salvation I will trust and not be afraid." When my mom took him on Wednesday she said she qouted that scripture all the way to the pool. When I took him on Thursday I also kept coaching him with that verse.

He was afraid and he didn't want to do it, but I saw courage in my little boy. In the water he cooperated with all that the teacher asked and he overcame his fear. He found that he could put his head underwater and jump in even though it tested his trust. While the other kids were screaming, Daniel remained calm and at one point I even heard him encouraging one of the other boys that "it was okay...see it's not so bad..."

We'll see what week 2 brings, but I'm certain that God's Word has helped him through this. I am definitely not writing this to brag on Daniel but to say that GOD'S WORD WORKS even for a four year old. And it's teaching me that it is the foundation that we all should build our lives upon!

father's day reflections

I have debated back and forth as to whether or not to write a blog on father's day. Quite honestly it has always been a holiday that makes me uncomfortable simply because I don't know what to do or how to feel about it.

This was the first father's day where I was completely fatherless, knowing that my father died last summer. Prior to this year I was fatherless anyway, it was just one big question mark as to where he really was.

Several years ago while visiting Arizona, we were told that he had died, although no one could confirm it and there was no official record of his death. At that time I mourned because I realized that I would never have a chance to see him again. After about a week of thinking that he was dead, I found out otherwise and went back to my normal life, knowing he was out there somewhere but not exactly sure what to do with that knowledge.

I last saw him when I was 2 years old. I have zero memory of him, although I kind of wish I did. I have pictures, and at least one birthday card that he sent when I was maybe 7 years old. People have asked me over the years if I had any desire to find him or meet him. For most of my life I didn't. I had no hard feelings towards him, I was just kind of afraid and not sure what I would do with him if I did meet him.

When in August of last year, we got a phone call from my someone on the reservation that he had died and this time it was official I had a mixture of emotions. I couldn't exactly mourn someone I didn't know and yet I still mourned. I mourned the loss of a relationship that I never had and would never have. And I mourned his life which was so far less than it could have been.

My knowledge of his life is somewhat sketchy, but what I do know is that it started out less than ideal. The reservations are a hard place to grow up. In my father's case, he spent his early years moving from foster home to foster home. His biological parents were alcoholics who died tragically. Native Americans cannot handle alcohol and my father was no different. When alcoholism took over his life, though at different times he made a profession of faith, he could not overcome the demons that ruled him. And because of that he could not be the husband and father that he might have been.

Here he was as a young man...

So for 26 years I've grown up knowing that I had a father, he was out there somewhere, and that God was my Heavenly Father. I'm still working through what that means...since I never had a relationship with my earthly father it sort of baffles me as to what exactly that means with a Heavenly Father.

But what I do know is that by God's grace, my life defies the statistics of those that grow up without their father present. In that sense my Heavenly Father has been watching over me.

So yesterday was still kind of awkward. I still felt a little sorrow. Unfortunately at this time in our culture, I am no longer in the minority since many children are now growing up in broken homes. And because of that there is a need for Godly male mentors that can be an influence on this next generation.

The message in church last night was an excellent exhortation to see what my Heavenly Father wants to say to me personally. That will be a lifelong quest.

Joplin Part 2

A few days have passed since our Joplin trip. I was hoping to record more of it before too much time passed, while my impressions were still fresh. The days have kept me busy, although I still think of things that happened or things that I saw during our day there.

After we said good-bye at our work site and picked up my mom, we took some time to drive through the worst hit section of the city. Whereas most of the homes in the neigborhood where we had been working still had a basic structure standing, many of the homes in the most devastated section had nothing except for the foundation and piles of rubble. It was unbelieveable; it's hard to imagine how anyone survived. I was driving so I couldn't take any pictures, but I don't think pictures can completely capture what it's like to look at long stretches of utter destruction. And I'm sure it's better now than it was 3 weeks ago.

Back on the road, we all shared our experiences, thoughts, impressions. I returned home utterly exhausted, but satisfied. That night I dreamt about debris! And since then I've pondered several impressions that I had during and following that day...here are some of them (and some of these things were mentioned by mom or friends as we drove home)

***We all agreed that the Samaritan's Purse orientation first thing in the morning was pretty neat. As my mom said, we could feel the presence of God though it wasn't a church or prayer meeting. But the purpose of being there was to go and serve. The purpose beyond the physical work was to show Christ's love in a tangible way. The leader explained how a Bible would be given to each home owner served along with an opportunity to pray with them. I believe that all forms of Christian work and service are important, but it was a wonderful experience for me to serve in that capacity and I would love to do more of it. I gained respect for the particular ministry with which we were working.  I hope that as Daniel gets older he can participate in service to others whether it's in a disaster relief situation or just a neighbor in need. There were many teenagers helping in Joplin, and where my mom volunteered there were youth groups that had come to help.

***As I mentioned in the previous post, I really appreciated our team leader, who just a few days earlier had been a volunteer like us. On our team was one person especially who had either been there for a while, had been a team leader previously, or else wanted to be a leader! He had a bit of an "attitude" and tended to be bossy. (to be honest it got on my nerves a few times!) He was not the assigned leader but in my opinion he seemed to want to make himself second in command. It was amusing (and sometimes annoying) but later I thought about the contrast between the humility and encouragement of our leader and the attitude of the wannabe leader =)  Along those lines I learned a little more about myself.....there were a couple of times that someone who did not have delegated authority gave me direction in a bossy kind of way....and I found myself reacting on the inside. Teamwork requires sacrifice, putting up with others' faults (and hoping they forgive my own!), and learning to get along with all kinds of people.

***While the scope of devastation was enormous, the amount of compassion being shown was overwhelming. Donations and help have poured in from around the country. Someone remarked on the way home that we could not know love and compassion if it were not for pain and suffering. I look forward to when there is no more suffering (heaven), but in this world were suffering never seems to end, it is a blessing to see giving and compassion and blessing to be a part of it.

Joplin Part 1

Spending one day volunteering in Joplin, MO was so amazing and left me with so many impressions, that I am sure that it is going to take more than one blog posting to process it all...

We were just getting ready to pray at the end of our Sunday evening service when we heard that there had been a tornado in Joplin, MO. When I got home that night my mom and I went online to see what happened. The first pictures and video footage I found were unbelievable. In the days following, we talked about how it would be so neat to be able to go up and volunteer since Joplin is about 2 hours away, but since we had no contacts up there and life with a four year old is pretty busy here, I wasn't sure how to go about finding a way to serve.

The weekend following the tornado, my uncle and aunt came through Tulsa on their way back from volunteering with Samaritan's Purse in Joplin. As they shared the experience and encouraged us to look into going I became very excited at the thought of being able to do something to help. Several days went by before I was able to begin to make plans. Finally it was settled that on Monday, June 13, I along with my mom and two friends, Sarah and Katelyn, would drive up for the day, and Daniel would be well cared for by a very dear friend with whom I knew he would have fun and be safe!

We left a little after 5AM in the morning and arrived in Joplin in time for the Samaritan's Purse volunteer orientation. They are headquartered at a large Baptist Church in Joplin. The orientation itself was very focused on the the main thrust of the ministry which is to show Jesus' love to the homeowners that we would be serving. That was emphasized several times in addition to instructing us in safety precautions. I was impressed with the organization skills and how quickly they were able to divide everyone into teams. We found out later that our team leader was simply a volunteer from Texas who just a few days prior was working on someone else's team. When that leader left, Samaritan's Purse asked him to be a team leader. He turned out to be an excellent leader who was encouraging and exhibited servant-leadership.

My mom felt that she may not be able to handle the strenuous work that Samaritan's Purse would be doing at home sites. So we dropped her off at another church in Joplin that was doing supply distribution every day to people who had been directly affected by the tornado. These people had lost their homes and were staying with family or friends, in the college, at a KOA, or anywhere where they could find shelter. She was able to talk and pray with these people. I thought it was neat that there were so many people that came to volunteer, young and old, and that anyone who had a heart to serve could find a place to make a difference.

After dropping my mom off, Katelyn, Sarah, and I drove to the home in which we would be working for most of the day. It was a small, three bedroom house which was missing part of the roof and already there existed a small pile of debris near the curb. The home owner, a woman in her 60s, had already removed the items which she wanted to keep so at this point everything that was left in the home needed to be hauled out so that the home could be demolished. Debris was covering the backyard and so that all needed to be piled in the front and the shed had to be torn down.

The three of us girls decided to start in one of the bedrooms of the home. It seemed a little less overwhelming to me!

Each room was filled with furniture and all of the usual items you would find in a house. However some of the rooms had no roof, many of the things were wet, and mold was beginning to grow. It seemed like a huge job, but with the large number of people on our team, the house began to clear rather quickly and the debris pile outside was growing!

The homeowner arrived late in the morning. Apparently it was hard for her to return to her home and she did not want to go back in. Everyone on our team had signed a Bible that was going to be presented to her. Our team leader gathered everyone and he presented the Bible to her and asked if he could pray for her. She also expressed much gratefulness for those who would give of their time to help her. Seeing the sheer volume of devastation I can only imagine how overwhelmed she must have felt in the days following the tornado. She said that she had two mintues of warning before the tornado hit her home. She took shelter in the bathtub with her purse, cell phone, and diet pepsi. After being presented the Bible though she said that the next time (although hopefully there never is a next time!) she would grab her purse, cell phone, and Bible. The homeowner thanked us, but I truly felt blessed to have the opportunity to help her.

We broke for lunch, returning to the Baptist church to have lunch (volunteers were providing the lunch) It was a very welcome break as I was hungry, weary, and beginning to get a headache!

When we returned to the site the work had become outdoor work. The backyard was covered in debris. A two story duplex behind the house and been destroyed and much of it had been blown into the backyard (and house) of the home which we were clearing. There was nothing left of the duplex except a concrete foundation and a pile of rubble. We were told that one of the occupants did not survive the tornado. Our work consisted of hauling off sections of roofing, which included a lot of lumber, insulation, shingles, and clearing a lot of debris. In this rubble there was drywall, kitchen items, and personal items like mens ties.

This is when the work really started to get more physically demanding. Dust from drywall and pieces of insulation kept being kicked up by the wind. The temperature was nearly 100 degrees. Most of the work was raking, shoveling, and carrying large pieces of roof. It was at this point, while hot sweaty and having a pounding headache, that I looked around at all the volunteers, and marveled at how these people came from places as far as California, Ohio, and Pennsylvania just to do HARD labor for someone they don't even know. Some had been there for several days already. I wished that Allan could have been there watching the young men (and the old ones too!) and getting inspired to do the same thing someday. 

By 2:30 we were done clearing the backyard and we moved to the house across the street. The job here was again clearing the backyard. It was completely filled with debris. I was very tired and we were at this location for close to 45 minutes before it was time for Katelyn, Sarah, and me to say good-bye. The others were going to keep working though I know many of them were weary as well.

This was three weeks after the tornado and Samaritan's Purse has already had 5,000 volunteers and yet there is still work to be done. The magnitude of destruction is unbelievable.

I have many more impressions but I'll have to save them for another day...

mother's day reflections

This was the first Mother's Day where Daniel shared my last name, though I've been a mother-figure in his life for just over fours years now. I remember the first mother's day with him....he was just shy of four months old and I wasn't quite sure what my label as temporary mother/foster mother meant. At the time I had no idea what the future held. As far as I knew, his stay in our home would be probably not more than a year. So I was doing all the things a mother would--feeding him at night, changing diapers, rocking him, taking him to appointments, etc--but in my mind I wasn't really THE mother. My pastor preached an interesting and excellent sermon yesterday on what he called a "volunteer mother"--the mother that volunteers to act as a mother-figure whether the child is infant or teenager and for whatever length of time she is needed. I guess that would have described me.

I never set out to adopt. Certainly I never planned to adopt as a single person. I never decided to do foster parenting with the goal of adoption. Of course now I couldn't imagine life without Daniel. I never expected to experience all that I did in the courtroom, in the DHS building. When I received Daniel's file during the adoption process I couldn't even read most of the documents at first because of so many exhausting and stressful memories associated with the documented events. I never planned to be part of numerous court hearings, sitting in the witness box (not sure if that is even what it is called), spending days being sick to my stomach at the thought of having to be cross-examined. I never wanted to be part of another mother's pain or have to be perceived as an enemy even though I didn't want to be.

I felt blessed the day he was adopted and now we are moving on with life. There have been those who have probably misunderstood. We've gotten funny looks from people. We've had people be critical and I've felt at times that people think I am selfish or that I didn't make the best decision for Daniel. There have been words said that have hurt and caused me to question myself. But then those people don't know all that happened in those 3.5 years. Those people weren't up night after night with a child who endured much confusion and wouldn't, or couldn't, sleep. Those people weren't in a courtroom nearly two dozen times. I have to give grace to those people who maybe are just puzzled or misunderstand me, as well as those who are just downright critical. And then of course there have been many friends throughout the last few years who have offered prayers and practical support, perhaps maybe when they didn't really understand, and for that I am very grateful.

I have lots of prayers and hopes for Daniel. I dream big on his behalf and why not? He has had a lot to overcome, but if he's come this far, why not think that he could be a great missionary, president, inventor, or preacher?

Admittedly, mothering is not easy! I have gained much more respect and appreciation for my mom, since I wasn't always the model child! Now, I see how incredibly brave, selfless, and committed my mom was. I hope that I can have all those qualities in my life, and I'm trusting God for the future that it will be GOOD!

So this Mother's Day I am also thankful for my mom who has become "Mimi" to Daniel and who has been the greatest support to me. I certainly could not have walked this journey without her!

This is the front of the Mother's Day card that Daniel picked out for me! I got some good chuckles :-) Apparently he loved the picture of the puppy so much that he could not be dissuaded from this card!

Some of the things I hope to cultivate in Daniel as he grows up are compassion for people, a heart for ministry and an understanding of the realities of choices in life. My hope is that at some point I can take him on a missions trip so that he is exposed to other cultures and gains a perspective on life that he may not otherwise have. My mom counseled me that before doing anything major (like trekking abroad) I should start doing things in my own community and see how it works to try to involve a four year old in ministry projects. After all four year olds can be a bit unpredictable :-)

Well, life gets hectic and my efforts to provide stimulating, enriching, educational, and fun activities for Daniel take up a lot of time! I had not done much in the way of seeking out service opportunities, but recently I heard through a friend about a ministry that provides lunches to the homeless population downtown. This seemed manageable and the organizer was welcoming to the thought of a child coming along.

So today we (Daniel, my mom, and I) enthusiastically went downtown ready to help. Daniel was briefed on what to expect--though I wasn't exactly certain what to expect--and we found our way to where they gather each Friday.

We were early so none of the "ministry people" had arrived, but a large number of the street people were congregating. I admit, all of a sudden I felt really nervous and did not know what to do with myself. I felt conspicuous and even though street people are not new to me I did find it at first to be A little unnerving to be around people who were so different from myself. Daniel seemed oblivious to everything other than asking once if the people sitting/standing/lying around were the people who had no homes.

Eventually the organizers came, told us what to do, the "director" preached a short message and prayed, and then the lunches were passed out. Daniel passed out most of the lunches in our line and very quickly it was over. As people dispersed one youngish man came to where we were standing with one of the male servers and asked for prayer. He talked about his needs and we joined in prayer for him.

My nervousness and self-consciousness eventually dissipated and I remembered that we are all basically needy. Just a few different choices in my life and that could have been me sitting in that parking lot waiting for a lunch.

On the way home as we were discussing the experience, my mom commented how sad it is to see how Satan tries to degrade humanity which is created in the image of God. We were among people who have a harsh existence because of bad choices or the effects of sin.

I thought of my dad today...how sin and bad choices ruined his life. How he couldn't seem to conquer addictions that were so life controlling, and robbed him of the life God would have wanted him to have.

I hope that today we brightened a little corner of our world. It wasn't much but it was something. I hope that Daniel found joy in giving and as he grows older he will understand how important it is to make good choices in life. I hope that the example of the men who were preaching, serving, and praying made an impression on him.

Any other thoughts/ideas on local opportunities for families to be involved in serving?

the first.

I've always been one to keep a journal...though I've never been fond of writing (at least when it had to do with school.) For several months I kept a blog on xanga and recently I decided to go back and revisit it just to see where I was at that time in my life. About the time that my life was about to change in ways I would have never expected, I quit writing. that was four years ago and the past four years have brought so many changes that going back and reading my xanga posts was almost like getting reacquating with myself. And that is what inspired me to start blogging again.

I had two big hurdles to starting one. The first is that i wasn't sure that I should take the time to set it up and start writing when I'm busy and would people even read it? I finally decided that I don't need to write huge long posts (I usually can't think of all that much to say anyway!) and if no one reads it, so what? At least my mom will I'm sure!

The second hurdle was deciding on a name. Someone suggested grace notes (that's the name of my business anyway) and it seemed fitting. My middle name is Grace. My mom had it legally changed when I was 16 which was fine with me because I didn't like my old middle name anyway! There's a whole story behind the name change but in short, I think God knew that I would need a lot of grace in my life.
I have heard two definitions for the concept of grace: "God's unmerited favor" and "the power to do God's will" Both of the definitions seem appropriate and I can definitely see how grace has been evident in my life both ways.

Well this was my introduction to this blog I guess. I had a whole different thought for a post swirling around in my head but life is calling to me so I will save it for another time...