mother's day reflections

This was the first Mother's Day where Daniel shared my last name, though I've been a mother-figure in his life for just over fours years now. I remember the first mother's day with him....he was just shy of four months old and I wasn't quite sure what my label as temporary mother/foster mother meant. At the time I had no idea what the future held. As far as I knew, his stay in our home would be probably not more than a year. So I was doing all the things a mother would--feeding him at night, changing diapers, rocking him, taking him to appointments, etc--but in my mind I wasn't really THE mother. My pastor preached an interesting and excellent sermon yesterday on what he called a "volunteer mother"--the mother that volunteers to act as a mother-figure whether the child is infant or teenager and for whatever length of time she is needed. I guess that would have described me.

I never set out to adopt. Certainly I never planned to adopt as a single person. I never decided to do foster parenting with the goal of adoption. Of course now I couldn't imagine life without Daniel. I never expected to experience all that I did in the courtroom, in the DHS building. When I received Daniel's file during the adoption process I couldn't even read most of the documents at first because of so many exhausting and stressful memories associated with the documented events. I never planned to be part of numerous court hearings, sitting in the witness box (not sure if that is even what it is called), spending days being sick to my stomach at the thought of having to be cross-examined. I never wanted to be part of another mother's pain or have to be perceived as an enemy even though I didn't want to be.

I felt blessed the day he was adopted and now we are moving on with life. There have been those who have probably misunderstood. We've gotten funny looks from people. We've had people be critical and I've felt at times that people think I am selfish or that I didn't make the best decision for Daniel. There have been words said that have hurt and caused me to question myself. But then those people don't know all that happened in those 3.5 years. Those people weren't up night after night with a child who endured much confusion and wouldn't, or couldn't, sleep. Those people weren't in a courtroom nearly two dozen times. I have to give grace to those people who maybe are just puzzled or misunderstand me, as well as those who are just downright critical. And then of course there have been many friends throughout the last few years who have offered prayers and practical support, perhaps maybe when they didn't really understand, and for that I am very grateful.

I have lots of prayers and hopes for Daniel. I dream big on his behalf and why not? He has had a lot to overcome, but if he's come this far, why not think that he could be a great missionary, president, inventor, or preacher?

Admittedly, mothering is not easy! I have gained much more respect and appreciation for my mom, since I wasn't always the model child! Now, I see how incredibly brave, selfless, and committed my mom was. I hope that I can have all those qualities in my life, and I'm trusting God for the future that it will be GOOD!

So this Mother's Day I am also thankful for my mom who has become "Mimi" to Daniel and who has been the greatest support to me. I certainly could not have walked this journey without her!

This is the front of the Mother's Day card that Daniel picked out for me! I got some good chuckles :-) Apparently he loved the picture of the puppy so much that he could not be dissuaded from this card!

Some of the things I hope to cultivate in Daniel as he grows up are compassion for people, a heart for ministry and an understanding of the realities of choices in life. My hope is that at some point I can take him on a missions trip so that he is exposed to other cultures and gains a perspective on life that he may not otherwise have. My mom counseled me that before doing anything major (like trekking abroad) I should start doing things in my own community and see how it works to try to involve a four year old in ministry projects. After all four year olds can be a bit unpredictable :-)

Well, life gets hectic and my efforts to provide stimulating, enriching, educational, and fun activities for Daniel take up a lot of time! I had not done much in the way of seeking out service opportunities, but recently I heard through a friend about a ministry that provides lunches to the homeless population downtown. This seemed manageable and the organizer was welcoming to the thought of a child coming along.

So today we (Daniel, my mom, and I) enthusiastically went downtown ready to help. Daniel was briefed on what to expect--though I wasn't exactly certain what to expect--and we found our way to where they gather each Friday.

We were early so none of the "ministry people" had arrived, but a large number of the street people were congregating. I admit, all of a sudden I felt really nervous and did not know what to do with myself. I felt conspicuous and even though street people are not new to me I did find it at first to be A little unnerving to be around people who were so different from myself. Daniel seemed oblivious to everything other than asking once if the people sitting/standing/lying around were the people who had no homes.

Eventually the organizers came, told us what to do, the "director" preached a short message and prayed, and then the lunches were passed out. Daniel passed out most of the lunches in our line and very quickly it was over. As people dispersed one youngish man came to where we were standing with one of the male servers and asked for prayer. He talked about his needs and we joined in prayer for him.

My nervousness and self-consciousness eventually dissipated and I remembered that we are all basically needy. Just a few different choices in my life and that could have been me sitting in that parking lot waiting for a lunch.

On the way home as we were discussing the experience, my mom commented how sad it is to see how Satan tries to degrade humanity which is created in the image of God. We were among people who have a harsh existence because of bad choices or the effects of sin.

I thought of my dad today...how sin and bad choices ruined his life. How he couldn't seem to conquer addictions that were so life controlling, and robbed him of the life God would have wanted him to have.

I hope that today we brightened a little corner of our world. It wasn't much but it was something. I hope that Daniel found joy in giving and as he grows older he will understand how important it is to make good choices in life. I hope that the example of the men who were preaching, serving, and praying made an impression on him.

Any other thoughts/ideas on local opportunities for families to be involved in serving?

the first.

I've always been one to keep a journal...though I've never been fond of writing (at least when it had to do with school.) For several months I kept a blog on xanga and recently I decided to go back and revisit it just to see where I was at that time in my life. About the time that my life was about to change in ways I would have never expected, I quit writing. that was four years ago and the past four years have brought so many changes that going back and reading my xanga posts was almost like getting reacquating with myself. And that is what inspired me to start blogging again.

I had two big hurdles to starting one. The first is that i wasn't sure that I should take the time to set it up and start writing when I'm busy and would people even read it? I finally decided that I don't need to write huge long posts (I usually can't think of all that much to say anyway!) and if no one reads it, so what? At least my mom will I'm sure!

The second hurdle was deciding on a name. Someone suggested grace notes (that's the name of my business anyway) and it seemed fitting. My middle name is Grace. My mom had it legally changed when I was 16 which was fine with me because I didn't like my old middle name anyway! There's a whole story behind the name change but in short, I think God knew that I would need a lot of grace in my life.
I have heard two definitions for the concept of grace: "God's unmerited favor" and "the power to do God's will" Both of the definitions seem appropriate and I can definitely see how grace has been evident in my life both ways.

Well this was my introduction to this blog I guess. I had a whole different thought for a post swirling around in my head but life is calling to me so I will save it for another time...