Little N was moved suddenly last night. It was so unexpected and fast. We got the call around 4:30PM in which a kinship worker said he was being moved to a "kinship" home and could we have him at the DHS building at 5:00 to pass him to the new family. My mom said no they could come to our house to get him and that would also give us time to collect and pack up his stuff.
I was too shocked to feel much until I went in the backyard to tell Daniel that someone was coming to get Little N. At that point I teared up. Daniel looked surprised and said "I don't want him to be moved. Let's hide him!"
It was sad to see him go. When the new foster mother picked him up to carry him out I could hardly look at his screaming, crying face and it brought flashbacks to when Daniel did that at parent visits. After he left the house seemed empty and quiet and then my emotions kicked in.
Ok, so I knew fostering would mean good-byes. And I had already determined that I would not get attached to the little guy. It wasn't so much that I was sad that he was gone (even though I was) but when we were told that the kinship placement was not a relative's home nor was it even a close friend it seemed as if policy had been violated and I was upset on Little N's behalf that he was experiencing one more move. I hate the fact that little ones are shuffled and have a series of disrupted attachments.
My hope was that Little N would be able to stay here until his mother was ready to be a responsible parent and that there could be a continuing relationship... the "Bridge Program" that DHS encourages. Just in the short time he was here, 2.5 weeks, we saw such positive changes in him; he was settling into a routine, starting to babble constantly, looking healthy.
Well, by this morning we found out additional info about the new home that at least gave peace of mind that he would be safe, loved, and well cared for. It didn't make it any easier to have him gone, but I don't have to worry about him.
After he left, I was so upset at the way things were handled I wondered whether it was worth it. It's hard to invest your time and heart only to have it end so abruptly with no time to process or prepare. I thought maybe next time if it is an older, more difficult child, at least maybe I'd be happy to see them go! In spite of my efforts to remain detached I could not stop from loving and caring for Little N. It just happens!
And when I thought it about it this morning, I realized that yes it was worth it. If could go back, knowing that it would end in such a frustrating and sudden way I would do it all over again. For 2.5 weeks we loved Little N as best we could and prayed for him. So we trust that God is still watching out for him.
I was amazed at the changes I saw in Daniel in the last couple of weeks. He ended up loving Little N and figured out that toddlers aren't so bad. He learned to play with him and realized that there was enough love for everyone. He did not have to be jealous or feel threatened. And now he's ready for another one.
And I decided that to love means to risk loss. One could shut themselves off from loving in order to avoid pain but who wants to live in a loveless world. To love anyone in life means that there's a risk of hurt or loss, whether it's parent, child, spouse, friend, foster child...
So I'm grateful for the time we had with Little N. I'm glad we had the chance to love him. It was worth it.
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