courage

I've had these thoughts going around in my head for at least a week now, and I've debated about whether even to post this...

Recently after church one of the older men pulled me aside and thanked me for being an example of sacrifice and courage, and encouraged me to keep going and keep trusting God. Those words blessed me and helped to give me courage at a time that I was feeling kind of...well....not courageous.

Then in the last few days as I've been talking to different people and they've asked about our most recent foster/DHS experience, again people have said to me things like "you're so brave....I could never do that....it takes a special kind of person....it takes such courage....etc." And while I say thank you, I wonder if I'm really courageous or just crazy!

The truth is that I'm not courageous. And I don't feel brave. People give such compliments--and I very much appreciate words of encouragement--but I don't feel any more courageous or amazing than anyone else I know. In fact I can think of alot of people who I would say are far more strong, amazing, courageous, sacrificial than I am!

There are many days I wake up and don't feel strong enough to face the day. And when I look too far ahead I don't feel courageous. I wonder how I'm going to do it. Like any other parent, I frequently feel like my parenting skills are less than wonderful! And like any other foster/adoptive parent I have struggled through times of trying to understand my child and know how to help him work through hard things.

And then like any single parent I wonder how I'm going to raise a boy for however long I do it alone. How will he learn to work on a car (since his passion is cars/trucks!), or fish (because I am too wimpy to take a fish off a hook), or hunt (maybe he'll lose interest in that one. Or maybe I can just learn to do it too)? How will he learn to use tools (I can use several different tools but I always forget the names and can't very well have him call them "thingys" like I do!) And what about shaving? or learning the "facts of life"? And then along with those thoughts I have all the wonderings about my own decisions for the future in regards to work, finances, and wise planning.

When I think those overwhelming thoughts too long I panic and say "God, please HELP!!" because I feel like I'm out on a limb trusting Him--or at least trying to because there's no one/nothing else to trust!  And when I want to dwell on those worrisome thoughts I have to pull myself back to one day at a time. So, today everything is ok. God gives me the strength I need for today. And He provides what Daniel needs for today.

If other people see courage in me, then it must be God working in me. I can only do what He's called me to do because He gives me the strength....just like He gives strength to every person who is doing His will. In my own strength I feel so weak, and I hope that when people look at my life that they know that I am not amazing or courageous or strong by myself. It's all God. And I'm convinced that sometimes He calls us to do things that are so far out of our comfort zone so that we know that He's carrying us. In our weakness He can be strong. I take comfort in that.