The little man had a one hour visit with his mother today. When he left I was in a swirl emotions remembering back to Daniel's case and those visits. I didn't attend the visits when they first started, right after Daniel was taken into DHS custody. My mom took him and sometimes sat with the parents in the visits or just waited in the waiting area. Shortly before Daniel turned one I came to a visit. My mom had told me how they had been but I was not prepared for how emotionally draining it was.
Daniel had consistently reacted negatively to his mother and often spent most of the visit crying. It was no different when I went that first time. I carried him into the lobby and as soon as he saw her he turned away and began whimpering. When the time came for her to take him back to the visiting rooms he began clinging to me and wailing loudly. It was very, very awkward. I was torn between wanting to comfort him and yet respecting the fact that she was his mother and she wanted her time with him. Pulling him away involved prying his fingers loose from my arms and hair, and then she eventually was able to take him back where he continued to cry. I felt badly for her that she spent that hour, which should have been special, trying to calm a screaming child while the caseworker observed.
Visits continued like that for several months until eventually they were moved to a psychologist's office and our family was then involved in the visits to make it more natural for Daniel. After close to a year of visits, Daniel began to cope in the visit. He was not necessarily relaxed or calm, but at least he was no longer screaming. However from the very beginning he would have reactions post-visit. That seems to be a common occurrence according to other foster parents. The post-visit reactions included clinginess, hyper-vigilance, sleeplessness, biting, headbanging, night terrors, fits of anger for no apparent reason. We pretty much knew to prepare ourselves for the difficult days that would follow a visit with his parent(s).
As Daniel began to cope better in the visit, his reactions following the visit started to get more intense and increase in duration. My grandmother observed one of his night terrors (which could happen day or night) and was shocked. My students observed the changes in his behavior as well. It was most apparent when there was a suspension of visits during a period of time before the judge ordered them to begin again. The progress he made during the suspension was completely disrupted and he had extreme regression when the visits resumed.
During this time sleep was a luxury. I can't count the times we were up with Daniel at night or walking up and down the halls with him trying to calm him down. Looking back I don't know how I did it, but it took its toll physically and emotionally. I lost so much weight my clothes were getting big and people thought I had health issues or eating disorders!
Thankfully the little 14 month old we have now did not have the same negative experience in his visit with his mother today. When he came back to our home he seemed pretty normal--compared to how Daniel was. But when bedtime came, the toddler was very wound up. As I was holding him, trying to help him relax and sleep I thought "oh no, here we go again!" I could not imagine doing a repeat of Daniel's situation. I reminded myself that this won't be a repeat. Things are different, this baby seems to have a positive bond with his mother, and chances are good that he will go back to her.
When I look back at the early years with Daniel I am amazed that we all survived. All I can conclude is that God poured out His grace and strength to do His will. If I had known how hard that part would be I might not have said yes! But His grace was sufficient and we all came through.
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