The trial got off to a slow start. By a crazy coincidence, my friend's husband was called for jury duty that same week. We had joked around that it would be ironic if he were put on Daniel's case. Of course that would never happen....
Well he called me--I can't remember now if it was Monday or Tuesday--to tell me that he was being sent to juvenile court and he was wondering if he was being put on the jury for Daniel's mother. In retrospect it seems obvious that at that point we should have told Daniel's attorney because it wasn't honest. But his reasoning and my reasoning was more like "well maybe this is God's plan" because if he was on the jury then he could of course influence the jury to terminate her rights. It was so tempting to act in fear and to rely on ourselves. My mom called our pastor and told him the situation and right away he spoke truth and said that we were needed to do the right thing and trust GOD with the outcome. By that time my mom was at the court house and was able to communicate with Daniel's attorney. Interestingly, our friend was one the attorney's favorites and had we not told the truth he would have been seated on the jury.
The trial began Tuesday afternoon. My mom planned to be in the courtroom all week to observe. Since I would likely be a witness I could not come and she was able to tell me very little. In fact almost nothing except who was testifying. The following days were some of the most agonizing of my entire life. I was afraid of having the same outcome as the last jury trial and I did not think I could handle another round of parent visits, distress, and Daniel's mother working a treatment plan. I was just weary and tired of stress. I remember Tuesday night having what felt like a panic attack and saying "I can't do this!! I can't handle this week!" Of course, short of running away, I had no choice.
I spent that first part of the week hardly able to eat, trying to function normally, waiting for updates from my mom, playing worship music, and dreading being called as a witness. I was told that I would likely be called Thursday morning. But when Thursday morning came my mom called me and said that Daniel's mother's attorney had asked for a conference. He wanted her to relinquish her rights if I would agree to an open adoption. We would draw up an adoption agreement and it could be as open as I wanted it to be; it would be on my terms. Would I agree to this? Well, yes of course! It would mean the end of the trial, I would be spared from having to testify, my stress would be over, we could send her a letter and pictures every now and then....sounded great! In a few minutes my mom called me back and said that Daniel's mother said no. She wanted to continue the trial and let the jury decide. I couldn't believe it. So I had to call the woman who was going to come stay with Daniel and it was time to get ready for me to leave for the court house. My testimony would essentially be very similar to the visitation hearings, except this time I would only be cross-examined by the mother's attorney and there would also be a six-member jury.
In the lobby of the courthouse I sat down to wait. The court was on a break. Daniel's mom came into the lobby and sat down next to me. In just a short while we would both be going into the court room. I would be there as a witness for the attorney who was working to terminate her rights. I felt so awkward and at a loss for words. Finally I asked, "how was lunch? Where did you go to eat?" Obviously they were really dumb questions but in light of the fact that we were in the middle of a jury trial week I was just blank on what to say.
Court was called into session again and I waited in the lobby to be called. Meanwhile my nerves were going crazy. I was called in shortly and made that long walk to the front of the room again. I had never been before a jury before...should ignore them, smile at them, make eye contact, or ??? If I ignored them would I seem untrustworthy? If I made eye contact would it seem as if I were "schmoozing?"
This time Daniel's attorney chose to play the video/audio of Daniel's distress during visits and night terrors following the parent visits while I was a witness. Then he would be able to ask questions about it and have me describe what was happening. The jury listened intently and looked concerned. My tears started flowing.
The hardest moment came when Daniel's attorney finished and the mother's attorney started his cross-examination. He really only had two or three questions, but his final question was "do you think that "Maria's" (I changed her name for privacy) parental rights should be terminated?" Daniel's attorney objected to the question but the judge overruled. So he asked the question again. There she sat looking at me. The whole court room waited for my answer. I was torn. How could I say "yes" to that question when it would mean another mother's permanent loss and pain? How could I say "yes" when she was looking right at me? And yet the whole trial was about Daniel and the prosecution's whole case was based on the fact that after 1.5 years of trying to accomplish reunification it just wasn't working. And in the process Daniel was being robbed of peace, security, and, as mental health experts confirmed, healthy development. If my answer was "no" then why in the world was I up there and why were we all sitting through this trial? In that case, just send Daniel back to his original home.
I hesitated and hoped that maybe the attorney would back down. Finally I said, "I don't know what to say. I don't want to hurt "Maria" and....." He pressed me for my answer. I replied, "As far as Daniel's best interest, since this is about him, then....yes."
A large picture of Daniel was displayed in the court room for the jury to see. It was just a snapshot of him with his blue guitar. Daniel's attorney had a few more questions for me to answer for clarification. His final question was just for me to talk about Daniel. I could do that, and I could do it from my heart. All I wanted to convey was that Daniel was a precious child who needed a secure future. Thursday late afternoon, my part was finished. I was free to observe the rest of the trial which was supposed to be wrapping up by Friday afternoon.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
Spring of 2009 found us continuing with parent visits at the psychologist's office with Daniel and his biological father. I waited in the waiting room. Daniel had seemed to have an overall preference for men, so we were curious to see how the visits would be without his biological mother present. There would only be about 4 visits before another court hearing. Daniel for the most part did well in the visits and his father was able to engage him in play. However his reactions and night terrors following the visits continued and the night terrors were almost becoming worse. It seemed that by the last visit, even though Daniel would play, his father realized that too much time was passing and he reportedly said to the psychologist "it's no use."
As we were preparing for another Spring court hearing, Daniel's attorney informed us that not only would he be requesting the father's visits to be suspended but he was also filing a motion to have the parental rights of both parents terminated. The trial was scheduled for the end of August.
During that Spring of '09 God was showing me the state of my heart and things that needed to be changed. I realized that I could not pray for this situation or sit in the witness seat with an impure heart towards Daniel's parents. I had wrestled with my emotions towards them repeatedly but knew it was time for it to be settled in my heart. I had had anger for the injuries Daniel had sustained, for the emotional distress that I had repeatedly witnessed, and for the lies that they had told. But I knew that I could no longer set myself up as the judge, nor was it up to me to determine the final outcome of what was best for Daniel. God was the judge; God knew what He was doing. The best way for me to cooperate with Him was to love.
I came across of page of prayers that were based on Scripture and were prayers for the spiritual well-being of another person. I began to pray for Daniel's parents daily, putting their names in the prayers. And as I prayed for them daily my heart began to change in a genuine way. At different times in the previous year I had had compassion for them and had seen them as humans who were around my age and entangled in the same messy situation that I was. But then I'd fall back into anger or judgment. This time however the changes were real and consistent.
I could finally see that Daniel's mother had been through emotional anguish just as I had. She had suffered the loss of her baby, had endured the stress of visits where Daniel screamed the whole time, probably dreaded the court hearings as much as I did, been through one jury trial already, experienced the same uncertainty that I had, and had been given promises that were then broken. It still didn't mean that at this point that I or anyone else thought that Daniel should go back to her but no matter how this situation ended someone would experience pain. And I hoped that if in the end, if she were the one who would have the final loss, that somehow it would work for good and she would be able to start a new, successful life.
The jury trail would begin August 24th. Daniel's attorney had several witnesses lined up, including me. He seemed to have a good feeling going into the trial but I think we were all a little hesitant to expect any kind of outcome. Daniel's parents had had an on/off relationship and by this time they were no longer together. Daniel's father failed to show up to the pre-trial and by the time of the trial his rights were terminated. I felt like perhaps he just realized that it was time to walk away from the situation and let Daniel be. (Daniel was now 2.5 years old)
Jury selection would begin on Monday August 24th, 2009. Right away there was a test of trusting God....
As we were preparing for another Spring court hearing, Daniel's attorney informed us that not only would he be requesting the father's visits to be suspended but he was also filing a motion to have the parental rights of both parents terminated. The trial was scheduled for the end of August.
During that Spring of '09 God was showing me the state of my heart and things that needed to be changed. I realized that I could not pray for this situation or sit in the witness seat with an impure heart towards Daniel's parents. I had wrestled with my emotions towards them repeatedly but knew it was time for it to be settled in my heart. I had had anger for the injuries Daniel had sustained, for the emotional distress that I had repeatedly witnessed, and for the lies that they had told. But I knew that I could no longer set myself up as the judge, nor was it up to me to determine the final outcome of what was best for Daniel. God was the judge; God knew what He was doing. The best way for me to cooperate with Him was to love.
I came across of page of prayers that were based on Scripture and were prayers for the spiritual well-being of another person. I began to pray for Daniel's parents daily, putting their names in the prayers. And as I prayed for them daily my heart began to change in a genuine way. At different times in the previous year I had had compassion for them and had seen them as humans who were around my age and entangled in the same messy situation that I was. But then I'd fall back into anger or judgment. This time however the changes were real and consistent.
I could finally see that Daniel's mother had been through emotional anguish just as I had. She had suffered the loss of her baby, had endured the stress of visits where Daniel screamed the whole time, probably dreaded the court hearings as much as I did, been through one jury trial already, experienced the same uncertainty that I had, and had been given promises that were then broken. It still didn't mean that at this point that I or anyone else thought that Daniel should go back to her but no matter how this situation ended someone would experience pain. And I hoped that if in the end, if she were the one who would have the final loss, that somehow it would work for good and she would be able to start a new, successful life.
The jury trail would begin August 24th. Daniel's attorney had several witnesses lined up, including me. He seemed to have a good feeling going into the trial but I think we were all a little hesitant to expect any kind of outcome. Daniel's parents had had an on/off relationship and by this time they were no longer together. Daniel's father failed to show up to the pre-trial and by the time of the trial his rights were terminated. I felt like perhaps he just realized that it was time to walk away from the situation and let Daniel be. (Daniel was now 2.5 years old)
Jury selection would begin on Monday August 24th, 2009. Right away there was a test of trusting God....
Friday, December 14, 2012
a tale of two trials continued....
December 2008 Daniel continued visitation with his parents in the psychologist's office. His job was to coach the parents as well as observe Daniel's responses to their interactions. He had been recording the visits and had served as a witness in court for the 2008 jury trial. We were all supposed to be part of the visits but emotionally I could not handle it anymore. I began sitting in the waiting room during the 1 hour visits praying.
Even as I was struggling with my emotions during this time I decided that I would give the parents Christmas gifts, an effort to show some form of friendship I suppose as God began changing my heart. I did actually enjoy shopping for Daniel's mom and looked forward to giving her a small gift.
Daniel's post-visit reactions became increasingly worse even as he began coping better in the visits--in other words he was no longer crying and in obvious distress during the one hour. At home he became increasingly volatile though and would go into rages and start banging his head with virtually no provocation. For nights following visits he would have night terrors of which we videotaped a few so that someone at DHS, or his psychologist, or attorney could see what was happening. By this time I could count on one hand the number of nights Daniel had slept through the night since he came in April 2007.
Beginning in January 2009 the judge wanted Daniel to begin twice/week visits with his parents. One visit would continue to be with the original psychologist, the other would be at Parent Child Center with a psychologist who would do Parent Child Interaction Therapy. The first appointment was set at Parent Child Center. Psychologist 1 would brief Psychologist 2 on what he had been doing so far and how the interactions were progressing. Then Daniel, his parents, my mom and I and psychologist 1 would visit in a play room while Psychologist 2 observed from behind a window.
Daniel's dad never came but the rest of us proceeded with the visit. It was one of the best visits to that point. Even though Daniel for the most part kept some distance from his mother, she eventually was able to have some periods of interaction and more eye contact than I had previously seen. After 20 months of visitation this was the best I had observed and I figured that Psychologist 2 would be pretty impressed.
We were prepping for a review hearing the end of January and the caseworker informed us that Psychologist 2 from Parent Child Center had written a letter to the judge explaining that she would not be able to facilitate visitation. She was concerned about the original abuse, she felt that there was no point in continuing visitations and believed that Daniel was at risk for continued emotional harm and attachment issues if visitations continued.
This came as a surprise to us and when it was presented to the judge at the January hearing he was at a loss as to what to do. Daniel's attorney filed a motion to have visitation suspended. The judge was hesitant to suspend visits since the permanency plan was still reunification. No one could file a motion to have parents rights terminated until 90 from the permanency hearing but the DHS county director had already stated that if things didn't begin improving DHS was ready to recommend termination as soon as the 90 days was over.
The judge set a date for a visitation hearing in February. The state/DHS planned to have Daniel's psychologist as a witness. Daniel's mother hired a psychologist to testify against Daniel's psychologist. By this time I had compiled a CD of Daniel's night terrors (both video and audio) as well as audio clips of his distress during visits. Daniel's attorney also informed me that I would be called as a witness. One visitation hearing turned into three separate hearings since there were several witnesses. I was ready to be called and spent days feeling anxious and unable to eat.
I dreaded having to be cross-examined by one particularly nasty and sarcastic attorney in front of of a courtroom of people. I had to keep reminding myself that the outcome was not my burden to bear but it was in God's hands.
I sat outside the courtroom waiting to be called and I heard as they played the CD of Daniel's distress inside the room. It was awful as Daniel's wails could be heard throughout the courthouse.
Finally I was called in. That walk to the witness box felt super long and the courtroom was so very quiet. It began with Daniel's attorney questioning me about the effect of the parent visits on Daniel, his sleep patterns, behavior changes, how his development had progressed when parent visits had been suspended the year before and how his development had quickly regressed when visits were resumed. The judge had some questions about whether Daniel was perhaps just an anxious child. Was he overly clingy in all situations? Perhaps he was not exposed to strangers and new situations enough? Did I provide him opportunities to be separated from me? Daniel's mother's attorney declined to cross examine but Daniel's father's attorney stood up like he was ready to rip into me. And he was. With a perpetual sneer he inferred that I was making things up. He thought I was cruel and heartless to video Daniel's night terrors instead of comforting him (although we had at least one video clip from a day time nap in which I picked him up and attempted to awaken him but clearly he could be neither awakened to comforted.) He insinuated that I had little experience with children so how would I know what is normal and abnormal. He tried to put words in my mouth that I never said and confuse me. There were several times that he asked me difficult questions and there were long silences as I prayed silently asking God for wisdom. I had great peace by this time but also had a bad headache! I don't remember his exact final question but it was along the lines of when I encounter situations with Daniel where I don't know what to do, what do I do? I was weary by this time and didn't know exactly what to say. My simple answer was "I pray." he stared at me for a second with a frown, tossed his pen down, and said "no further questions Your Honor." done!
Daniel's attorney sent me an email following the hearing thanking me for my testimony and stating that he felt that the judge was finally able to see that I was not the manipulative, lying foster parent I had been made out to be. We had not been fabricating stories to sabotage reunification. There had been so many people praying for me. I knew that the peace and ability to answer questions articulately had been God's help!
The judge's decision was that visitation would be suspended for Daniel's mother until the next hearing, but Daniel's father would be able to continue weekly one hour visits with the psychologist. All along he had been better able to engage Daniel in playful interactions so it would be interesting to see how visits would go when it was just him without the mother.
My tale of two trials is getting longer and longer and I'm nowhere near the second trial! To be continued....
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
a tale of two trials part 1
One reason I started this blog was to chronicle the journey of adoption with Daniel. I wanted to get it down in written form before I forgot. From 2007 until his adoption in 2010 there was so much that happened and for much of that time I was able to remember specific dates and court hearings but as time has gone on the memories have faded some. Well, I haven't been consistent in blogging, and when I have made entries it hasn't been in a linear fashion! oh well.
When people ask me about Daniel and I give the condensed version of our history, I talk about the final jury trial in August of 2009 that terminated parental rights. Sometimes I mention that there was a jury trial prior to that in October of 2008 but I rarely go into detail.
Daniel's parents worked a treatment plan from 2007-2008. To their credit they were pretty faithful--especially his mother--to complete the requirements of the treatment plan. By all appearances it looked like they would get Daniel back since they attended their classes and maintained housing and employment. However in May of 2008 both the State and Daniel's attorney filed to have his parents' rights terminated. The trial was based on "new evidence" of sorts, which was essentially new witnesses (doctors) who could testify regarding his original injuries.
Daniel's attorney had a fabulous reputation and had only lost one case. Everyone knew he was excellent and what he did. The evidence regarding Daniel's injuries was solid and expert witnesses would be testifying. It seemed like a solid case that would not be lost. The judge seemed to support the parents but since he was only presiding over the case it didn't seem like that would matter.
However at this time I was personally struggling with my feelings towards Daniel's parents. I did my best to be a good team player and I was cordial when we were together. The summer prior to the trial Daniel was continuing visitation with his parents and we were present for the visits, trying to facilitate a bridge between our family and Daniel's parents.
October 2008 brought the jury trial. The trial week started off well but midway through the week things seemed to shift. Neither my mom nor I were permitted into the court room in case we were to be called as witnesses. My mom got daily updates from the attorney, the CASA, and Daniel's case worker. As the week went on it was clear that they were feeling really uncertain about the outcome.
I don't remember now when the trial ended but I know that by Friday we were at home waiting for the phone call. We spent the entire day praying that God's will be done and feeling very edgy. Late that afternoon the phone finally rang and the caller ID showed that it was Daniel's attorney. My mom answered the phone and after saying hello her face changed and she said "they didn't? really? what does this mean?" I knew then that the jury had concluded that Daniel's parents should not have their rights terminated. What was unclear at this point was whether that meant Daniel would go right back to them or whether they would start a treatment plan again.
I spent the entire night crying. I went to a bonfire at some friends' house that night but cried while I was driving both ways and also cried at the bonfire. After months and months of stress and uncertainty I could not imagine starting the roller coaster ride again.
Perhaps it was God's will that Daniel go back to his parents. I couldn't argue with that. We had prayed and this was the answer. But there were still unanswered questions about the original injuries and visitation with parents had resulted in emotional disturbance, developmental regression, and inability to sleep. He had also been diagnosed with PTSD and it was like watching the slow destruction of a child. At this point his parents were trying to do what they were supposed to do but the fact was that the abuse happened and regardless of who did it, Daniel still associated them with the pain of his early months.
In November of 2008 we were involved at a staffing at DHS. Daniel's attorney was spent and he said that he was no longer going to try to terminate the parents' rights. He felt that now it was best to just work for reunification and that maybe he had been wrong. Another court hearing was schedule for December and at this point DHS pulled in their attorney--a fiesty little woman. The December court hearing was attended by the county director and the DHS attorney, in addition to the parents, the caseworker, the attorneys, us, and CASA. I thought I was going to faint during the hearing because the judge stated that he was moving aggressively towards reunification and his goal was to have Daniel back with his parents within 3 months. He wanted the case finished and said that yes it would be hard on Daniel but he would just learn to deal with it. He wanted Daniel to be put in daycare so that his parents could visit him daily (thankfully Daniel's attorney fought that and won) and he ordered twice/weekly supervised parent visits.
The DHS attorney and county director came out strong and said that they absolutely did not want Daniel placed back in an unsafe situation. The county director said that over the Christmas holiday our family was not to try to facilitate a visit because of safety issues. They let the judge know that they were heavily monitoring this case and would not budge on Daniel's safety. They were working to make a stringent treatment plan that would attempt to address lingering concerns even though the judge was ready to start knocking things off the treatment plan.
And so began the next uncertain 3 months. We had no idea what to expect before the next hearing scheduled for January 2009. But the one thing I did know was that God had some work that He needed to do in my heart. I'll talk about that next time because I really feel that it was the biggest thing He still needed to teach me!
When people ask me about Daniel and I give the condensed version of our history, I talk about the final jury trial in August of 2009 that terminated parental rights. Sometimes I mention that there was a jury trial prior to that in October of 2008 but I rarely go into detail.
Daniel's parents worked a treatment plan from 2007-2008. To their credit they were pretty faithful--especially his mother--to complete the requirements of the treatment plan. By all appearances it looked like they would get Daniel back since they attended their classes and maintained housing and employment. However in May of 2008 both the State and Daniel's attorney filed to have his parents' rights terminated. The trial was based on "new evidence" of sorts, which was essentially new witnesses (doctors) who could testify regarding his original injuries.
Daniel's attorney had a fabulous reputation and had only lost one case. Everyone knew he was excellent and what he did. The evidence regarding Daniel's injuries was solid and expert witnesses would be testifying. It seemed like a solid case that would not be lost. The judge seemed to support the parents but since he was only presiding over the case it didn't seem like that would matter.
However at this time I was personally struggling with my feelings towards Daniel's parents. I did my best to be a good team player and I was cordial when we were together. The summer prior to the trial Daniel was continuing visitation with his parents and we were present for the visits, trying to facilitate a bridge between our family and Daniel's parents.
October 2008 brought the jury trial. The trial week started off well but midway through the week things seemed to shift. Neither my mom nor I were permitted into the court room in case we were to be called as witnesses. My mom got daily updates from the attorney, the CASA, and Daniel's case worker. As the week went on it was clear that they were feeling really uncertain about the outcome.
I don't remember now when the trial ended but I know that by Friday we were at home waiting for the phone call. We spent the entire day praying that God's will be done and feeling very edgy. Late that afternoon the phone finally rang and the caller ID showed that it was Daniel's attorney. My mom answered the phone and after saying hello her face changed and she said "they didn't? really? what does this mean?" I knew then that the jury had concluded that Daniel's parents should not have their rights terminated. What was unclear at this point was whether that meant Daniel would go right back to them or whether they would start a treatment plan again.
I spent the entire night crying. I went to a bonfire at some friends' house that night but cried while I was driving both ways and also cried at the bonfire. After months and months of stress and uncertainty I could not imagine starting the roller coaster ride again.
Perhaps it was God's will that Daniel go back to his parents. I couldn't argue with that. We had prayed and this was the answer. But there were still unanswered questions about the original injuries and visitation with parents had resulted in emotional disturbance, developmental regression, and inability to sleep. He had also been diagnosed with PTSD and it was like watching the slow destruction of a child. At this point his parents were trying to do what they were supposed to do but the fact was that the abuse happened and regardless of who did it, Daniel still associated them with the pain of his early months.
In November of 2008 we were involved at a staffing at DHS. Daniel's attorney was spent and he said that he was no longer going to try to terminate the parents' rights. He felt that now it was best to just work for reunification and that maybe he had been wrong. Another court hearing was schedule for December and at this point DHS pulled in their attorney--a fiesty little woman. The December court hearing was attended by the county director and the DHS attorney, in addition to the parents, the caseworker, the attorneys, us, and CASA. I thought I was going to faint during the hearing because the judge stated that he was moving aggressively towards reunification and his goal was to have Daniel back with his parents within 3 months. He wanted the case finished and said that yes it would be hard on Daniel but he would just learn to deal with it. He wanted Daniel to be put in daycare so that his parents could visit him daily (thankfully Daniel's attorney fought that and won) and he ordered twice/weekly supervised parent visits.
The DHS attorney and county director came out strong and said that they absolutely did not want Daniel placed back in an unsafe situation. The county director said that over the Christmas holiday our family was not to try to facilitate a visit because of safety issues. They let the judge know that they were heavily monitoring this case and would not budge on Daniel's safety. They were working to make a stringent treatment plan that would attempt to address lingering concerns even though the judge was ready to start knocking things off the treatment plan.
And so began the next uncertain 3 months. We had no idea what to expect before the next hearing scheduled for January 2009. But the one thing I did know was that God had some work that He needed to do in my heart. I'll talk about that next time because I really feel that it was the biggest thing He still needed to teach me!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Yesterday I visited the Laura Dester shelter, the place where children are placed when they are removed from their parents before they are placed in a foster home, a group home, or returned back to their family. I volunteered there regularly during my late teens and early twenties. I did some volunteering with teenagers--a girls' choir which was pretty much a flop due to the ever changing population (and my inexperience!) and an etiquette class (life skills). Eventually though I found my place volunteering in "the little house" with babies/toddlers/elementary aged children. It was at that little house that my heart was captured and I decided that I wanted to work with abused and neglected children.
It had been at least 5 years since I had been to the shelter. It is in a new location now, more spacious, more security. I went to visit one specific child and yeah, my heart was stirred again.
After leaving juvenile court for the last time in August of 2010 and having our home closed soon after that, I said I would never again do fostering. It was too hard, too stressful. The system was broken. I never wanted to see a judge, caseworker, attorney, or the DHS building again. My heart was closed and there were plenty of other people who would get involved. It was time for me to more forward in life, and after spending the majority of my twenties getting sucked into a super complicated case, I was done and ready to live my life again. I was also so much wiser in how HARD it really is to work with foster children and how much love, grace, and patience it required. Sure it's possible to see a child healed but I realized that the majority of the time foster and adoptive parents don't live a life filled with warm fuzzies and Hallmark moments! they do exist but often it's mixed in with a lot of chaos and messy moments.
Eventually I realized that maybe I missed it just a little. Perhaps I would be suited to CASA or maybe eventually if I got married and lived a "normal" life for a while I could think about adopting or somehow getting involved. But that would be way down the road. A long ways down the road.
Recently I a friend told me that he heard I was wanting to adopt again. I laughed at that rumor. It truly was an absurd rumor because no, as a single person I was not looking to adopt. But the truth was that we were in process of having our home reopened for fostering--and for fostering only! It has been a very slow process because we kept changing our minds about whether it was the right thing, the right time, and a good thing for Daniel. Usually while I am thinking about something I am not one to share my thoughts and feelings with a lot of people. I might tell a few people but keep things pretty quiet until I am pretty sure of something. So thinking about fostering is something that had been on my mind for several months. It is one thing I was especially cautious of talking about because reactions from people are varied and sometimes I'd just rather keep things quiet!
So now with the process basically complete I still sometimes have hesitations, mainly because it is hard. And takes sacrifice. I know now that it takes way more human love than I have. It's easy to see a cute kid and feel overwhelming feelings of love and compassion but that fades pretty quickly once a child starts acting out and that is when only God's supernatural love is strong enough to last. Now I realize just how important it is to have God's grace and to rely on Him. Even that is a struggle for me because relying on Someone else does not come easily for me. But I am not strong enough to consistently love a hurting child by myself. Not nearly strong enough. It has to be a God thing. I remember weekends with teenage girls where I had reached the end of my love. They could be tough, needy, and just plain annoying. And one weekend having one of the girls get into my makeup and leave a big mess in the bathroom just proved to me how very little patience I really had!
Well, my heart is open again--with a little cautiousness--and now I wait to see what God will do. Maybe something, maybe nothing, maybe the unexpected...but I'm finally willing to see.
It had been at least 5 years since I had been to the shelter. It is in a new location now, more spacious, more security. I went to visit one specific child and yeah, my heart was stirred again.
After leaving juvenile court for the last time in August of 2010 and having our home closed soon after that, I said I would never again do fostering. It was too hard, too stressful. The system was broken. I never wanted to see a judge, caseworker, attorney, or the DHS building again. My heart was closed and there were plenty of other people who would get involved. It was time for me to more forward in life, and after spending the majority of my twenties getting sucked into a super complicated case, I was done and ready to live my life again. I was also so much wiser in how HARD it really is to work with foster children and how much love, grace, and patience it required. Sure it's possible to see a child healed but I realized that the majority of the time foster and adoptive parents don't live a life filled with warm fuzzies and Hallmark moments! they do exist but often it's mixed in with a lot of chaos and messy moments.
Eventually I realized that maybe I missed it just a little. Perhaps I would be suited to CASA or maybe eventually if I got married and lived a "normal" life for a while I could think about adopting or somehow getting involved. But that would be way down the road. A long ways down the road.
Recently I a friend told me that he heard I was wanting to adopt again. I laughed at that rumor. It truly was an absurd rumor because no, as a single person I was not looking to adopt. But the truth was that we were in process of having our home reopened for fostering--and for fostering only! It has been a very slow process because we kept changing our minds about whether it was the right thing, the right time, and a good thing for Daniel. Usually while I am thinking about something I am not one to share my thoughts and feelings with a lot of people. I might tell a few people but keep things pretty quiet until I am pretty sure of something. So thinking about fostering is something that had been on my mind for several months. It is one thing I was especially cautious of talking about because reactions from people are varied and sometimes I'd just rather keep things quiet!
So now with the process basically complete I still sometimes have hesitations, mainly because it is hard. And takes sacrifice. I know now that it takes way more human love than I have. It's easy to see a cute kid and feel overwhelming feelings of love and compassion but that fades pretty quickly once a child starts acting out and that is when only God's supernatural love is strong enough to last. Now I realize just how important it is to have God's grace and to rely on Him. Even that is a struggle for me because relying on Someone else does not come easily for me. But I am not strong enough to consistently love a hurting child by myself. Not nearly strong enough. It has to be a God thing. I remember weekends with teenage girls where I had reached the end of my love. They could be tough, needy, and just plain annoying. And one weekend having one of the girls get into my makeup and leave a big mess in the bathroom just proved to me how very little patience I really had!
Well, my heart is open again--with a little cautiousness--and now I wait to see what God will do. Maybe something, maybe nothing, maybe the unexpected...but I'm finally willing to see.
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