just thoughts....

wow, it's been a while since I've written here. I have wanted to write about some of my thoughts and the various transitions in these past few months, but the days have gone by so quickly that by the time the house is quiet I am too tired to pull the computer out.

There have been life transitions recently, some good and necessary, all of them hard (for me). I don't really seek after change; all of my life I have been slow to warm up to new ideas....always wanting to test the waters before plunging in.

The passing of my maternal grandma at the end of September meant loss and change. Following her passing were two out of town trips, which included the opportunity to see family members that I had not seen in several years. It marked the closing of semi-regular trips to Ohio that have been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember, and saying goodbye to her condominium which held many memories.

Meanwhile, my days continue to fly by. Daniel is growing and changing and with his growth I have had to grow as well. I have had to expand my world and be willing to make necessary changes. At times it leaves me feeling uncertain and not quite sure where I fit in life. But nothing stays the same and it requires me to be open to whatever God has next. I guess it could be called walking by faith.....I have to keep moving forward even though I don't know what's ahead!

And that is where I have to trust God. Daniel's child like faith reminds me of that. Lately, when he/we come against a problem his solution is to pray about it. A few weeks ago he and I were in the backyard; I sat and watched while he zoomed his trucks all over the yard. Daniel loves anything that has to do with cars, engines, tires, hubcaps, etc. On this particular day he was racing around with a Chevy Tahoe on which he had taped round magnets onto the hubcaps. (It was a perfect fit and it made the hubcaps look black.) Suddenly he began screeching that one of the magnets had fallen off and would I please find it for him. The request was along the lines of finding a needle in a haystack, except in this case it meant finding a small quarter sized magnet somewhere in the leaves and clover of the backyard.

I started to help him look for it, asked him to retrace his steps and meanwhile I was thinking to myself, "should I remind him to pray about this situation?" I want him to grow up to be someone who takes all of his problems to God but this situation just seemed big to me for some reason. It was at a time when I was wrestling with my own questions about God answering prayer and I worried that if Daniel prayed that God would help him find the magnet and then we didn't find the magnet that it would be a disappointment (I was probably more worried about my own fragile faith at the moment) I went ahead and suggested that Daniel and I ask God to help us, which we did.

We continued to shuffle around the yard, digging around leaves--he apparently had covered nearly every square inch of the yard with that Tahoe. Meanwhile I was praying in my head, reminding God that it would mean a lot to Daniel to find the silly magnet.

Finally after circling the yard and following whatever tread marks I could see, I saw the magnet lying in a bit of brush. Daniel was happy and excited, we thanked God and he moved on to the next thing. I gave God extra thanks for once again answering Daniel's prayers for one of those little things that mean so much to him.

Daniel also has some pretty big prayers, beyond my ability to answer. I hope these little prayers encourage his faith. They encourage me to believe God to answer the bigger ones.

Joplin trip 9/10/11

Saturday, Sept 10, my alarm clock woke me up at 4:15a.m. I am not a morning person and I thought to myself "why am I dragging myself out of bed at this crazy hour??" The plan was to meet up with a local group at 5:30 in order to board a bus and pull out for Joplin, MO. After dressing, drinking some coffee, and gathering my stuff together, I said good-bye to my mom and Daniel and left for a day of adventure.

The group I was going with was working with a non-denominational church in Joplin. The church, Abundant Life Christian Center ( http://www.abundantlifejoplin.org/ ) has been supporting relief efforts by housing people displaced by the May tornado, as well as volunteers who have come in to work, whether church groups, individuals, or secular organizations. In addition to housing up to 200 people each week, the church provides three meals per day and has a warehouse of supplies (toiletries, groceries, etc.) which is open to the residents of Joplin each week.

I was told from the outset that I would find out where I was needed once I got there. On my previous trip in June I had worked with Samaritan's Purse clearing debris at specific homesites. I was hoping on this trip to do more of the same, but of course had to be open to whatever I would be asked to do.

We arrived later than planned and the group that was going out to work in Joplin doing debris removal had already left. Soooo, I was going to be assigned to work at the church. No problem, it was a pretty day and there were interesting people to visit with. Since the church has been housing people and stocking a warehouse with semi-loads of donations, there was plenty of work to organize supplies, stock warehouse shelves, organize pallets of water, and clean in the church.

the bus

We Care center (warehouse of supplies for Joplin residents)

semis with donatations

working

The morning passed quickly and we broke for lunch (provided by volunteer cooks at the church) During lunch the pastor's wife expressed her gratitude and mentioned that they may send some people out to work in Joplin during the afternoon. I thought "great--now I can get out really work!" After all I had come prepared with work clothes, goggles, gloves, etc. I was ready to move debris! She then went on to explain that the church had been really stretched in opening their doors. She was feeling overwhelmed at the amount of work there was to do. The registration area needed to be cleaned, the bunk areas needed to be organized, the prayer room need to be resupplied, basically there was lots of cleaning and organization around the church.

So as she was talking, I was thinking to myself..."I did not come all the way to Joplin in order to CLEAN!! I mean I like cleaning but I do enough of it at my own house.... and organizing just sounds flat out boring!" I figured I would just avoid the pastor's wife after lunch that way i wouldn't get pulled into cleaning bathrooms or anything! Yeah, I know I didn't exactly have a servant's heart at that point!

After lunch I visited with some people, signed one of the large tarps hanging around the church that was for volunteers to sign (and there were signatures from ALL over!) and then I found myself unsure of what to do next. I found my group leader and asked where I should start and she directed me to go find the pastor's wife and work with her!!! Right. I was being asked to do the one thing I did not want to do.

I spent the next few hours working right alongside her, cleaning, organizing, and sorting, with barely a break! At times it was tedious but I appreciated the fellowship as well as seeing just how much that particular church was doing for the relief effort.

I think the biggest lesson I learned was to just be a servant in whatever capacity was needed, whether it was my job of choice or not. I saw how every job whether big or little is important because it is all part of the whole. The church itself was not a large church and yet they are doing so much! It has been estimated that the process up rebuilding Joplin could take up to 5 years. As of now the church, Abundant Life Christian Center, has committed to having their doors open and participating in volunteer efforts for 5 years if it takes that long.

People from all walks of life were there to volunteer. In the group that I went with, there was a mother with her two young children, several teenagers, and even two women who were in their 70s!  The pastor's wife emphasized to everyone that there is still a need for volunteers in Joplin. She asked that we continue to spread the word. There was a huge surge of help following the tornado but it has gradually slowed, though the needs remain.

In October, Habitat for Humanity will be in Joplin for a week with a plan to build 7 homes in 7 days. They are hoping for 10,000 volunteers to help. Also in October Extreme Home Makeover will be in Joplin and they too need volunteers.

Before driving back to Tulsa, our driver took us through the city since several in the group had not been to Joplin. I had been there in June and July, but both times we drove through fairly quickly and did a short loop through the hardest hit areas. This time however the driver took us the length of the tornado's path. There have been many changes since I was there last. There is definitely progress but it still brought tears to my eyes. It seemed that this time I really got a better idea of the enormity of the area of devastation. It is absolutely mind-boggling. We saw approximately where the tornado first touched down. I couldn't imagine how terrifying it must have been.

I did not bring a camera but took some pics on my phone from inside the bus...

some houses appear to be exactly as they were right after the tornado

in some areas all that remains are concrete slabs 

a cross that amazingly remained intact even though the church was destroyed

some areas are starting to rebuild

alot of the debris and rubble have been cleared but a pile remains here and there

occasionally there is a destroyed car just out in the middle of nothing

some of those barren trees are starting to get some leaves



a lesson in painting and patience

I am just not that great at delegating. I usually think I can do more than I really can and once I get an idea of how I want to do something it really stresses me if the plans that I envision get "messed up."

One of the projects that has been ongoing for a couple of years now has been Daniel's playhouse/jungle gym/swing set. When he was two years old some dear friends built it for him from scratch. My job was to paint the part that had unfinished wood. I really don't love to paint so it has been slooooowwwww going. Really slow.
I am finally close to being finished and yesterday I decided that I would do a little more and possibly have it finished within a few days. Then along comes Daniel--Mr. Helpful and full of enthusiasm! Um, the only problem was I wanted to do it fast (it was hot outside), and I wanted it to look good. Including little inexperienced hands holding a paintbrush dripping with blue paint was not going to help me achieve my goal.

So I thought I would let him do a couple of swipes and maybe he would get bored. Plus he was wearing a t-shirt that he insists on wearing quite often--one that I don't particularly like. I figured it could be a blessing if it got a few smudges of paint on it because then I could hide the shirt in the laundry!

He was beside himself with excitement when I handed him the paintbrush. He very carefully started with the drippy blue paint.....and he didn't get bored. In fact he was having a great time! He kept exclaiming "this is fun!" "Look how careful I am!" "This is going to look really good!" "See, I am being really careful and filling all the spots in" "This is going to look great for when my friends come over for my birthday!" (which is still about 5 months away)

Meanwhile it was taking every ounce of self control for me to not grab the brush and say, "I'm going to take over now." If it had been a different project--like a room in the house--I likely would have not let him paint since he is inexperienced and makes streaks and blobs!
Like this:

But, in this situation, it is his playhouse. Why not let him help? Why not let him learn to enjoy work and feel good about his accomplishment in the process? I knew he would be really proud of himself and that it would boost his confidence to do a "real" job like painting and have the finished product standing in his backyard.

As I struggled with trying to ignore drips of blue paint that kept ending up where they were not supposed to, I reminded myself that the playhouse is temporal. It is going to peel, decay, and get old anyway. Whereas the jungle gym is an object, Daniel is a human. This was my opportunity to do a project alongside of him and take the opportunity to begin teaching him a useful skill. It was also a chance for me to grow in patience and my encouraging skills. With every "oops" that popped out of Daniel's mouth I bit my tongue and told myself that he was trying really hard and learning often involves a mistake here and there.

Daniel was extremely focused for the duration of the project, and when his part was completed he was SO PROUD! He kept saying "look what I did!" Maybe he'll learn to love painting more than I do and when I'm an old lady he'll come and paint for me!

In the mean time if you come to our house and see drips, blobs, or smudges you'll know why :)  It was Daniel's adventure into the exciting world of painting and my daily lesson of learning to grow in patience and grace.

out of the mouths of babes....

Well, I have had a sadly neglected blog! Life has been full, especially as I have been preparing for a new teaching year and planning Daniel's fall activities. Several times I have composed blog posts in my head but then there is not time to write it down....when I finally sit down to write, my inspiration is gone.

The past few weeks have been busy with organizing and cleaning. I love throwing things away! One of the big projects that needs to be done is putting pictures into books/scrapbooking and continuing to record in Daniel's "life book." So yesterday my mom unearthed a notebook into which I had been writing down Daniel's funny quotes. We laughed crazily over some of the things he has said. One one page I had recorded a song that he was making up nearly a year ago. I believe he was in his bed, supposed to be taking a nap, but instead he was singing at the top of his lungs. I sat in the hallway recording his words. When i reread them last night I was pretty surprised at his "poetry" Here it is:

....And you know the host of Jericho

Our God is strong and powerful

He is always with us

And what he says you would really do if you would believe in Him

Don't you know what listen is?

Going on the way of God

And everyday the verse is written

And everyday you belive in God

Don't you believe? Don't you believe?

Psalm 115 says you must believe in God

And everyday trusting in the Lord is what you say

Everyday don't forget about your feet

As you walk you must be careful

And you must believe

So, there it is....Daniel's 3 year old theological ramblings!

I plan to post about other things soon if I can get it together !

swimming lessons and life lessons

Swimming lessons.....the necessary education that many children must endure. This summer I enrolled Daniel in two weeks of swimming lessons, much to his dismay! Last summer we did parent/child classes at the YMCA and he LOVED it! He was the only child that wasn't crying during the daily 1/2 hour lesson. He's been in the water every summer. But this summer was going to be the first time that he would be in the water without me--and he did not like that thought one bit!

This past Thursday he completed his first week successfully. It was not without much coercion! There are five children in his class, aged 3-5. The first day he begged me to not make him do it. He hung on the side of the pool with a crumpled face, sobbing quietly. He kept looking at me with anguished eyes begging me to let him out. I admit, that I was sooooo nervous and part of me wanted to let him out of the pool so he could be safe with me! But I knew that he could do it, he would be safe, and that in light of the many recent drownings in Oklahoma, swimming is an important skill to learn.

By day 2, Daniel was telling me that he wasn't going to go and when we got to the pool he kept trying to run away.  I had to be firm and I told him that if he wasn't going to come into the pool area that I would get the teacher to come get him. That was enough to get him moving. He resisted getting into the pool, but when he finally did at least there were no more tears.

Wednesday and Thursday mornings were both filled with anxiety. daniel still felt afraid and didn't want to go. By Thursday morning, ALL the children except Daniel and one other boy were hysterical and trying to escape (is swimming really that horrible?)  Thankfully I had a few music students who were here on both mornings who encouraged Daniel that he could do it (and one of them actually had to put Daniel in the car!)

But here's the really neat thing and the reason why I am writing this: I believe the foundation for Daniel's strength and courage was God's Word. We had given him a memory verse, "Surely God is my salvation I will trust and not be afraid." When my mom took him on Wednesday she said she qouted that scripture all the way to the pool. When I took him on Thursday I also kept coaching him with that verse.

He was afraid and he didn't want to do it, but I saw courage in my little boy. In the water he cooperated with all that the teacher asked and he overcame his fear. He found that he could put his head underwater and jump in even though it tested his trust. While the other kids were screaming, Daniel remained calm and at one point I even heard him encouraging one of the other boys that "it was okay...see it's not so bad..."

We'll see what week 2 brings, but I'm certain that God's Word has helped him through this. I am definitely not writing this to brag on Daniel but to say that GOD'S WORD WORKS even for a four year old. And it's teaching me that it is the foundation that we all should build our lives upon!

father's day reflections

I have debated back and forth as to whether or not to write a blog on father's day. Quite honestly it has always been a holiday that makes me uncomfortable simply because I don't know what to do or how to feel about it.

This was the first father's day where I was completely fatherless, knowing that my father died last summer. Prior to this year I was fatherless anyway, it was just one big question mark as to where he really was.

Several years ago while visiting Arizona, we were told that he had died, although no one could confirm it and there was no official record of his death. At that time I mourned because I realized that I would never have a chance to see him again. After about a week of thinking that he was dead, I found out otherwise and went back to my normal life, knowing he was out there somewhere but not exactly sure what to do with that knowledge.

I last saw him when I was 2 years old. I have zero memory of him, although I kind of wish I did. I have pictures, and at least one birthday card that he sent when I was maybe 7 years old. People have asked me over the years if I had any desire to find him or meet him. For most of my life I didn't. I had no hard feelings towards him, I was just kind of afraid and not sure what I would do with him if I did meet him.

When in August of last year, we got a phone call from my someone on the reservation that he had died and this time it was official I had a mixture of emotions. I couldn't exactly mourn someone I didn't know and yet I still mourned. I mourned the loss of a relationship that I never had and would never have. And I mourned his life which was so far less than it could have been.

My knowledge of his life is somewhat sketchy, but what I do know is that it started out less than ideal. The reservations are a hard place to grow up. In my father's case, he spent his early years moving from foster home to foster home. His biological parents were alcoholics who died tragically. Native Americans cannot handle alcohol and my father was no different. When alcoholism took over his life, though at different times he made a profession of faith, he could not overcome the demons that ruled him. And because of that he could not be the husband and father that he might have been.

Here he was as a young man...

So for 26 years I've grown up knowing that I had a father, he was out there somewhere, and that God was my Heavenly Father. I'm still working through what that means...since I never had a relationship with my earthly father it sort of baffles me as to what exactly that means with a Heavenly Father.

But what I do know is that by God's grace, my life defies the statistics of those that grow up without their father present. In that sense my Heavenly Father has been watching over me.

So yesterday was still kind of awkward. I still felt a little sorrow. Unfortunately at this time in our culture, I am no longer in the minority since many children are now growing up in broken homes. And because of that there is a need for Godly male mentors that can be an influence on this next generation.

The message in church last night was an excellent exhortation to see what my Heavenly Father wants to say to me personally. That will be a lifelong quest.

Joplin Part 2

A few days have passed since our Joplin trip. I was hoping to record more of it before too much time passed, while my impressions were still fresh. The days have kept me busy, although I still think of things that happened or things that I saw during our day there.

After we said good-bye at our work site and picked up my mom, we took some time to drive through the worst hit section of the city. Whereas most of the homes in the neigborhood where we had been working still had a basic structure standing, many of the homes in the most devastated section had nothing except for the foundation and piles of rubble. It was unbelieveable; it's hard to imagine how anyone survived. I was driving so I couldn't take any pictures, but I don't think pictures can completely capture what it's like to look at long stretches of utter destruction. And I'm sure it's better now than it was 3 weeks ago.

Back on the road, we all shared our experiences, thoughts, impressions. I returned home utterly exhausted, but satisfied. That night I dreamt about debris! And since then I've pondered several impressions that I had during and following that day...here are some of them (and some of these things were mentioned by mom or friends as we drove home)

***We all agreed that the Samaritan's Purse orientation first thing in the morning was pretty neat. As my mom said, we could feel the presence of God though it wasn't a church or prayer meeting. But the purpose of being there was to go and serve. The purpose beyond the physical work was to show Christ's love in a tangible way. The leader explained how a Bible would be given to each home owner served along with an opportunity to pray with them. I believe that all forms of Christian work and service are important, but it was a wonderful experience for me to serve in that capacity and I would love to do more of it. I gained respect for the particular ministry with which we were working.  I hope that as Daniel gets older he can participate in service to others whether it's in a disaster relief situation or just a neighbor in need. There were many teenagers helping in Joplin, and where my mom volunteered there were youth groups that had come to help.

***As I mentioned in the previous post, I really appreciated our team leader, who just a few days earlier had been a volunteer like us. On our team was one person especially who had either been there for a while, had been a team leader previously, or else wanted to be a leader! He had a bit of an "attitude" and tended to be bossy. (to be honest it got on my nerves a few times!) He was not the assigned leader but in my opinion he seemed to want to make himself second in command. It was amusing (and sometimes annoying) but later I thought about the contrast between the humility and encouragement of our leader and the attitude of the wannabe leader =)  Along those lines I learned a little more about myself.....there were a couple of times that someone who did not have delegated authority gave me direction in a bossy kind of way....and I found myself reacting on the inside. Teamwork requires sacrifice, putting up with others' faults (and hoping they forgive my own!), and learning to get along with all kinds of people.

***While the scope of devastation was enormous, the amount of compassion being shown was overwhelming. Donations and help have poured in from around the country. Someone remarked on the way home that we could not know love and compassion if it were not for pain and suffering. I look forward to when there is no more suffering (heaven), but in this world were suffering never seems to end, it is a blessing to see giving and compassion and blessing to be a part of it.