For some reason my thoughts kept on going after I published my last post.....
Especially with a newborn, people almost always ask "are you hoping to adopt her?" I guess because frequently people do want to adopt newborns/infants and also there is a bonding that happens with an infant. I never know quite how to respond, because I am a foster parent. I have adopted, and I am not opposed to adopting again, but at the moment I am not adopting. I am fostering.
Recently when a woman asked me that and I hesitated as I tried to think of the right answer to that question, she answered for me, "you are doing this as unto the Lord." And I said yes. I could think of no better way to explain it. Then she furthered answered, "but your arms are open for as long as she needs them." And I said yes.
My feeling is that I am here to love the baby as I would my own. But for the time being, the court's plan is to work for reunification. Every parent has the right to parent their own child if they can provide a safe home. In the event that that goal is not met, then it is the time to think further. But now is definitely not that time.
I explained in my earlier posting what the ideal is when working towards reunification. But I think that even if a case moves to an adoption plan instead, it is still best for everyone if there is an amicable, respectful relationship between the biological parent and the foster/adoptive parent. More than just amicable, I've seen that it works best when it is clear that all parties want the best for the child and it is not a tug of war over the child.
I do not think that Daniel should have gone back to his natural parents. Experts, professionals, and the jury all came to that same conclusion that it was in Daniel's best interest to not be returned to their care. However I do sometimes wish that things that happened during those two years could have been different. His parents have moved forward with their lives and I hope that things go well for them. I still dream about his biological mother every so often though, and I sometimes wonder whether I will ever see her again.
Learning from that experience, I guess that's why I hope that whatever the outcome of this current situation, that I will be able to walk in love and that we can all work for the best interest of the baby. The story is in God's hands; I just hope I can do my part well.
Friday, May 24, 2013
thinking about fostering.
As a foster parent, I just have to get this off my chest..... I really don't like it when a person hears you have an infant and
they say "oh it's going to be so hard to give them up!" I haven't been quite
sure WHY it irritated me so much when people said something like that,
so I started to try to figure it out.
It's never another foster parent who makes a statement like that. They already know about saying good-bye and there's no reason to give that reminder. Every foster parent goes into fostering knowing that you are investing into a child wholeheartedly, but that the likely outcome is that the child will be returning to their natural parent(s). There is the chance that plan may change to adoption and that the foster parent may be the one chosen to adopt, but for as long as the case plan is reunification then the job of the foster parent is to love that child, give them a home, and work to support the goal of reunification to whatever extent you are able.
Is it hard to hold a precious baby and think that he/she will be leaving someday? Yes. Do I need that reminder from people who have never gone through it themselves? No. But a foster parent loves because there are children that need love and a home, for however long it may be.
I have actually never had an infant straight from the hospital, and the only infant I had for a long period of time was Daniel whom I ended up adopting. So in reality I have no idea how hard goodbye will be. I know that we loved Little N, a toddler, and still talk about him and miss him. But if and when reunification occurs, I know what my hope is.... my hope is that our family will have a good relationship with Baby B's mother. I hope that there will be plenty of time for our lives to overlap during the transitional period. I hope that we will have a trusting relationship with her so that there can be a continuing relationship and we can continue to be a support. Of course things may not go that way....I have no way to know at this point. The family situation currently is messy and complicated and sometimes I don't even know how to pray for a solution because it is beyond my wisdom. But when I think of what the ideal would be, then I feel that the statement "It will be so hard to say good-bye..." is just not that accurate. Hard? Yes, a child leaving would definitely leave a hole in the family. But the pain would be lessened I think when you are a part of healing, redemption, and love.
It's never another foster parent who makes a statement like that. They already know about saying good-bye and there's no reason to give that reminder. Every foster parent goes into fostering knowing that you are investing into a child wholeheartedly, but that the likely outcome is that the child will be returning to their natural parent(s). There is the chance that plan may change to adoption and that the foster parent may be the one chosen to adopt, but for as long as the case plan is reunification then the job of the foster parent is to love that child, give them a home, and work to support the goal of reunification to whatever extent you are able.
Is it hard to hold a precious baby and think that he/she will be leaving someday? Yes. Do I need that reminder from people who have never gone through it themselves? No. But a foster parent loves because there are children that need love and a home, for however long it may be.
I have actually never had an infant straight from the hospital, and the only infant I had for a long period of time was Daniel whom I ended up adopting. So in reality I have no idea how hard goodbye will be. I know that we loved Little N, a toddler, and still talk about him and miss him. But if and when reunification occurs, I know what my hope is.... my hope is that our family will have a good relationship with Baby B's mother. I hope that there will be plenty of time for our lives to overlap during the transitional period. I hope that we will have a trusting relationship with her so that there can be a continuing relationship and we can continue to be a support. Of course things may not go that way....I have no way to know at this point. The family situation currently is messy and complicated and sometimes I don't even know how to pray for a solution because it is beyond my wisdom. But when I think of what the ideal would be, then I feel that the statement "It will be so hard to say good-bye..." is just not that accurate. Hard? Yes, a child leaving would definitely leave a hole in the family. But the pain would be lessened I think when you are a part of healing, redemption, and love.
Monday, May 6, 2013
so this is real life.
Once upon a time I thought I would get married, have children, live in
the country, and have a garden. I would take in lots of foster children
and adopt. I would stroll leisurely around the garden with a baby in a
sling and live a serene life loving kids (babies-teens) and helping them
to heal. Ha!
So....real life....not married, a house in a neighborhood where I can barely keep up with the mowing, a garden that only got half planted and still needs to be thinned (at least the flowers are doing well though!), a six year old that has to be prodded to stay on task and do his chores, a baby who is just beginning to tolerate a sling without screaming and otherwise wants to be held constantly.... I'm not exactly serene most of the time, but at least I'm smiling...usually!
Maybe the house in the country, a flourishing garden, a guy that shares my passion in life, and more children will come someday, but in the mean time I'm enjoying today. Reality looks a lot more chaotic than my daydreams but it's all good.
So....real life....not married, a house in a neighborhood where I can barely keep up with the mowing, a garden that only got half planted and still needs to be thinned (at least the flowers are doing well though!), a six year old that has to be prodded to stay on task and do his chores, a baby who is just beginning to tolerate a sling without screaming and otherwise wants to be held constantly.... I'm not exactly serene most of the time, but at least I'm smiling...usually!
Maybe the house in the country, a flourishing garden, a guy that shares my passion in life, and more children will come someday, but in the mean time I'm enjoying today. Reality looks a lot more chaotic than my daydreams but it's all good.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
I don't know how mothers of several children keep a blog! Ever since Miss B came almost a month ago I spend my days just checking things off my list, and by the time 11:00 comes I have the choice to write or go to bed. Knowing that I will be awakened a few times through the night, I have been choosing to go to bed! And I'm still tired!
Miss B is the second infant that we have fostered. Daniel was the first and only! Miss B, however is the first newborn from the hospital and it has been a fun experience. It has been amazing to watch her grow, put on weight, and become more alert.
Everyone asks me how Daniel is doing with a baby in the house.... He is not all that interested in her. He thinks her funny faces are kinda neat and her clothes are unique, and other than that he pretty much ignores her. He has been amazingly patient though with sharing attention and with the days where she has been more fussy than content.
The big question I get when people learn that Miss B is in foster care is "how will you let her go? do you just try not to bond/get attached?" My honest answer is.... I don't know. Daniel was the only infant I've fostered and I didn't have to say good-bye. I thought about the issue of bonding and I realized that yes, I am attached. I can't speak for other foster parents, but I can't NOT get attached. Sure, it might be safer for my heart to stay detached but I love to love! As I sat with her in the middle of the night a couple of nights ago I realized that God designed that attachment for a purpose--it's the only way a parent could get up night after night to feed and attend to a helpless baby. I love to sleep and I am a heavy sleeper, so being interrupted every few hours is very unnatural except that I love the baby!
I take one day at a time, enjoying each day and trying not to think too far ahead to figure out what will happen. Everyone asks how long we will have her. We don't know. I don't try to guess those things because there are so many variables. With Daniel we were told he would go back to his parents within 6 months to a year, and now he's mine forever. We thought Little N would be with us for months while his mother worked a treatment plan, and it was less than three weeks. Miss B's case is a complicated one that I don't think will be resolved easily or quickly (but I could be wrong!)
Sometimes as I'm holding her and watching her sleep so peacefully I get tears....She's so innocent, so helpless. She doesn't know of the chaos and uncertainty that surrounds her life. She doesn't know that her future is contained in a file on a caseworker's desk and that a judge will be reviewing her case every few months to make decisions that could affect her whole life. That's the part of fostering that I don't like....that's the part that makes me think that maybe I can't keep doing this....I want to protect the little ones from anything that's harmful or from a future full of instability. I don't want to see a series of broken attachments or think of a child being moved from placement to placement. Those are the times when I wish I didn't care so much and could just have a tough heart.
At night when I'm feeding her, I pray. Because if I don't I sometimes worry. As hard as it would be, my preference if I'm fostering, is that a child goes back to their biological parent if that parent is willing and able to parent well (i.e. successfully completing a comprehensive treatment plan) I would find it very difficult to see a child moved if after several months a relative came from nowhere and wanted a child. Or in Miss B's case once I found out that she had Cherokee blood I started to worry that the tribe would want to move her to a Cherokee home. I am 1/2 Native American--not Cherokee--and I have known of other foster families who have had children removed suddenly because the tribe decides they should be in a Cherokee home. So I keep casting my worries on God.
But for today we are enjoying this little dark-haired doll baby :-) and now Daniel seems so big and even more boyish by contrast!! I just love God's beauty in creating babies and children!
Miss B is the second infant that we have fostered. Daniel was the first and only! Miss B, however is the first newborn from the hospital and it has been a fun experience. It has been amazing to watch her grow, put on weight, and become more alert.
Everyone asks me how Daniel is doing with a baby in the house.... He is not all that interested in her. He thinks her funny faces are kinda neat and her clothes are unique, and other than that he pretty much ignores her. He has been amazingly patient though with sharing attention and with the days where she has been more fussy than content.
The big question I get when people learn that Miss B is in foster care is "how will you let her go? do you just try not to bond/get attached?" My honest answer is.... I don't know. Daniel was the only infant I've fostered and I didn't have to say good-bye. I thought about the issue of bonding and I realized that yes, I am attached. I can't speak for other foster parents, but I can't NOT get attached. Sure, it might be safer for my heart to stay detached but I love to love! As I sat with her in the middle of the night a couple of nights ago I realized that God designed that attachment for a purpose--it's the only way a parent could get up night after night to feed and attend to a helpless baby. I love to sleep and I am a heavy sleeper, so being interrupted every few hours is very unnatural except that I love the baby!
I take one day at a time, enjoying each day and trying not to think too far ahead to figure out what will happen. Everyone asks how long we will have her. We don't know. I don't try to guess those things because there are so many variables. With Daniel we were told he would go back to his parents within 6 months to a year, and now he's mine forever. We thought Little N would be with us for months while his mother worked a treatment plan, and it was less than three weeks. Miss B's case is a complicated one that I don't think will be resolved easily or quickly (but I could be wrong!)
Sometimes as I'm holding her and watching her sleep so peacefully I get tears....She's so innocent, so helpless. She doesn't know of the chaos and uncertainty that surrounds her life. She doesn't know that her future is contained in a file on a caseworker's desk and that a judge will be reviewing her case every few months to make decisions that could affect her whole life. That's the part of fostering that I don't like....that's the part that makes me think that maybe I can't keep doing this....I want to protect the little ones from anything that's harmful or from a future full of instability. I don't want to see a series of broken attachments or think of a child being moved from placement to placement. Those are the times when I wish I didn't care so much and could just have a tough heart.
At night when I'm feeding her, I pray. Because if I don't I sometimes worry. As hard as it would be, my preference if I'm fostering, is that a child goes back to their biological parent if that parent is willing and able to parent well (i.e. successfully completing a comprehensive treatment plan) I would find it very difficult to see a child moved if after several months a relative came from nowhere and wanted a child. Or in Miss B's case once I found out that she had Cherokee blood I started to worry that the tribe would want to move her to a Cherokee home. I am 1/2 Native American--not Cherokee--and I have known of other foster families who have had children removed suddenly because the tribe decides they should be in a Cherokee home. So I keep casting my worries on God.
But for today we are enjoying this little dark-haired doll baby :-) and now Daniel seems so big and even more boyish by contrast!! I just love God's beauty in creating babies and children!
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