One.

As a teenager, my plan for my life was to get married when I was 21 and then by the time I was 30 I would have about 3, maybe 4 kids. Yeah, I had it all planned out!

21 came and went and I didn't meet Mr Right, but I muddled around in college a little trying to figure out "what I was going to be when I grew up."

During that time I started volunteering on a regular basis at the children's shelter in my city. I loved it. I love children and was absolutely delighted to rock babies and play with toddlers. I became interested in fostering and finally found a direction for education. I would foster and work on a degree so that I could be a therapist working with abused kids. My goals were clarified, and now I dreamed of helping lots of children....fostering, adopting, therapy, advocating.

In 2007 I started fostering a baby (Daniel) and continued to slowly work on a degree. I graduated in 2010 and adopted Daniel that same year.

One child. Life right now is so different than what I pictured it would be. I had planned to have lots of children--biological, fostered, adopted....and today I have one child.

That's not to say that someday I might still have more children...whether biological or adopted or both...I don't know. (Daniel is hoping so!) But for today God has asked me to invest in one.

And I have tried to give that one 100% as best I can. When his attachment seems shaky I try to be patient and spend one on one time to strengthen his trust and security. I remember one time when he was a toddler and he was trying to talk and show me things for what seemed like the hundredth time. It was so tempting to be impatient or bored but I reminded myself that I was investing into the future. If I can lay a good foundation now while he is young, then I believe it will pay off when he is older. I spent a year doing pretty intense therapy with him.....until I was so tired that I had to take a break!
 Sometimes one can take so much energy. We've considered fostering again. A year ago I planned to begin volunteering as a CASA--Court Appointed Special Advocate--working on behalf of a child in DHS custody. I've considered volunteering at the shelter again. And each time I come back to the fact that Daniel is only 5. He's had 3 stable years now and it's not time for me to go out and spend a lot of hours helping other children--yet, even though part of my heart still wants to! I still do want to volunteer in CASA--even if it's when I'm 50! Or maybe go back for a master's degree someday and be a therapist. 
So on those days when I feel like I wish I could do so much more to change the world, I ask God to help me remember that one is important to Him. And maybe this one will go on to do great things. And maybe someday I will still have opportunity to reach more. But for today I hope I can be faithful to pray for, teach, and guide my one.

I battle fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of man, fear of failing, fear of what other people think....I'm sure the list could go on. Most of the time I keep myself busy and engaged in life so I don't have time to entertain the doubts and fears that try to pummel me. And most of the time I lean on God to give me the strength and courage that I don't have on my own.

This past week has been one of those trying-to-overcome-the-fears kind of weeks. Some of it has probably been my own fault.....my spiritual life has not been what it should be. I've been tired and going a lot. With a weak foundation it's so easy for the enemy to whisper all kinds of doubts. You're not good enough. You're not successful enough. God has forgotten about you. You're a terrible parent. Everyone else is successful and happy and they all just think you are so lame... 

Total lies, I know. And in the times that I feel strong I can see lies for what they are and know that God is working all things for good. In the weak times however it is a minute by minute battle to take every thought captive. My humanness just wants to retreat and believe it's all true. To believe that God is far, far away making capricious decisions on my behalf, or worse, just leaving me out on a limb fending for myself.

I'm naturally an introverted person. Don't push me out of my comfort zone and I am fine! In elementary school I was terrified to do anything in front of a group. In middle school I could barely bring myself to go outside if there were neighborhood friends outside because of fear. Eventually I worked through all those and pushed myself until I could give speeches in front of large groups and enjoy it. I performed music, both instrumental and vocal, in front of people and loved every minute of it. I gained confidence in being self-employed. I made friends in college easily and looked for opportunities to share Christ. And eventually I sat in a witness box two different times in court and was able to speak with confidence (God's help! cause it was scary!) I don't live in my shyness anymore, but I know that the enemy would love to plant so much doubt that I again retreat. Most of the time I have confidence and "thick skin", but satan knows where I am weak and when I am weak.

When I meet new people the temptation is there to believe that they won't understand me. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could say I'm not some kind of nerd who never left home and decided to adopt a kid and is not a cool single person now... (or a cool married person with a perfect family...) But how stupid is that?!? Obviously no, the whole world is not going to understand me (or care for that matter!) but why would I even feel like I need a disclaimer? Or to retreat and fear what others might think?

Nearly two years ago we were at a fellowship of people, all ages. During the night a young, homeschooled guy in his early 20s just point blank stated that for me to adopt a boy was just "really weird." Ok. Well, I'm sure he's not the only one who has thought that, but the attitude with which it was said was so demeaning that I was tempted to either slap him or blurt out some nasty response. I did neither, but I struggled with those words for months after that. I moved past that situation, figuring that he was just blunt and maybe a little immature. But that incident probably contributed to lies that I continue to battle at times.

So after a week of succumbing to lies, I am resolving to believe God's word and not letting the enemy push me back or make me shrink back from doing God's will or living for His glory. Yeah it's easier to just lay down and believe the enemy's words and quit fighting. But if there is one thing God has given me it is fierce competitiveness--I play to win. So I will choose to discipline my thoughts. (I'm really making myself because I don't really want to "choose" to!! ah!) And I will choose to believe God. At a prayer meeting God put the last verse of Psalm 86 in my heart. I have been thinking on it today. I went ahead and just copied/pasted the whole passage below because it is a good one. But I will believe that He will show me "a sign for good"

Prayer for Mercy, with Meditation on the Excellencies of the Lord

A Prayer of David.

86 Bow down Your ear, O Lord, hear me;
For I am poor and needy.
² Preserve my life, for I am holy;
You are my God;
Save Your servant who trusts in You!
³ Be merciful to me, O Lord,
For I cry to You all day long.
⁴ Rejoice the soul of Your servant,
For to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
⁵ For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You.

⁶ Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer;
And attend to the voice of my supplications.
⁷ In the day of my trouble I will call upon You,
For You will answer me.

⁸ Among the gods there is none like You, O Lord;
Nor are there any works like Your works.
⁹ All nations whom You have made
Shall come and worship before You, O Lord,
And shall glorify Your name.
¹⁰ For You are great, and do wondrous things;
You alone are God.

¹¹ Teach me Your way, O Lord;
I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
¹² I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And I will glorify Your name forevermore.
¹³ For great is Your mercy toward me,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

¹⁴ O God, the proud have risen against me,
And a mob of violent men have sought my life,
And have not set You before them.
¹⁵ But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious,
Longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth.

¹⁶ Oh, turn to me, and have mercy on me!
Give Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your maidservant.
¹⁷ Show me a sign for good,
That those who hate me may see it and be ashamed,
Because You, Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

hope

In my journey of fostering/adopting, our family has done a lot of reading and research on subjects related to attachment, trauma, and loss in children. My degree was in Pscyhology/Christian counseling, so it's a subject I'm interested in anyway. I look at the person I was 6 years ago when I first decided that I would pursue a degree in Psychology/Counseling--hoping to be a therapist for abused children--and realize just how little I knew! And still, I have a lot to learn...not just learn but also implement.

One of the influences along the way is Dr. Karyn Purvis who works out of Texas Christian University and has had remarkable success in bringing healing and hope to families who have adopted especially difficult, hurting children. Many of the families she has worked with have children who suffer with severe attachment disorders and the families are desperate to find answers and hope. We have watched some of her DVDs as well as own her book "The Connected Child." (www.empowered2connect.org)

When we heard that there would be a 20-week workshop offered in our city this fall that was based on the book "The Connected Child" my mom jumped at the chance to be involved. My weekly schedule was already getting busy and I not only did not want to add one more thing, I also didn't want to acknowledge that it was something I needed right now.

Daniel is involved in a lot of activities and for the most part he fits in well in groups, he makes friends easily, listens to his teachers well, doesn't cause major disruptions, is smart, etc. etc. Maybe I felt that if I went to this workshop I would be admitting that there are still areas we needed to grow; there are still areas where Daniel lets us know that the things that he experienced in his first two years have not been totally healed.

I went to the second week of the workshop and decided I might as well have an open mind. I had been out of the foster/adoptive loop for a while, so it was nice to see some familiar faces. The facilitator got up to begin the meeting and I suddenly teared up. It was bizarre. I can be a "cry-er" anyway but I was totally not expecting this. One of the first exercises was for each person there to write on two different colored sticky papers: on one color you were to write the things your child does that are discouraging and on the other color you were to write things your child does that give you hope. Then we placed them on two different sides of a white board. She read all of the papers aloud and I was blinking back tears. The discouraging things that I listed--the two that I could think of--were anger and tantrums. I had many more positives: sense of humor, affection, enthusiasm, to name a few. Altogether the discouraging behaviors other parents listed included such hard things as no compassion, hurting animals, screaming "I hate you", wanting to go back to an orphanage, etc. The side of hope was encouraging, and for many of the parents just little things like allowing affection or being able to follow simple directions were enough to give hope.

In my daily interactions I'm not around many people who can relate to being in the foster system--the uncertainy of loving a child that will likely be removed, and then ending up adopting the child but now having the baggage that comes with muddling through "the system" while making efforts to reunify the child with its biological parents, loving a child who suffered trauma and loss and needs extra sensitivity, love, and healing. Perhaps that is why the tears started coming. I was sitting in a room of people--many who have children who are way tougher than mine--that understood. The know what it is like to have a simple thing cause a big meltdown and be at a loss as to what to do. They understand that sometimes all you can do is ask God for wisdom when you know your child is reacting from a deep place of hurt that they can't articulate and you really can't understand.

The facilitator asked if anyone wanted to share something that helped them in their journey. I was too teary to try to talk....but in my heart what I wanted to say was that sometimes after a hard day I will go in and look at Daniel sleeping peacefully. He is so beautiful when he is asleep. And as I look at him, I remember back to when he was a toddler and we were dealing with almost nightly night terrors and the future was so uncertain. It seemed that there were court hearings nearly every month and each court hearing could mean huge changes in his life. I would stand at his crib and cry out of exhaustion and anxiety. All I could do was trust that God would keep Daniel safe in the way that He knew was best. So I look at Daniel sleeping now as a healthy, happy 5 1/2 year old and even in the midst of rough days I tell myself that if God has brought us this far, He cannot let us down now. He will continue the good work He has begun.

And I believe I share that hope with all the other foster/adoptive parents in that room.

just rambling.

This past summer I took Daniel to a morning play group at someone's house with some mothers and preschoolers from our church. There was one woman there who was not from our church and in the course of the morning she asked my opinion on having an epdiural and did I have one with Daniel? um....no. I adopted him. At that moment we were trying to gather our stuff to leave and Daniel was standing right there so I didn't bother to go into his/my whole life story at that moment.

Fast forward a few weeks and this same woman and I were working in the toddler room during our homeschool co-op at church along with a third woman. They were talking about whether they called their husbands endearing terms like "honey, sweetie, etc." I busied myself with picking up stray raisins from snack time off the floor. This very sweet woman--in an effort to draw me into the conversation--turned to me and said, "what about you? do you call your husband 'honey'?" I figured my ring-less left hand is enough to give people a clue that I am not married buuuuut.....it looked like I was going to have to start talking about my out-of-the ordinary life. So after the "well, I'm not married" statement comes the puzzled look and then I can practically see all the questions forming because we're at a homeschool co-op after all and how do I fit into the mix? So I answered the basic questions the best I could in a short time but how can I possible condense 5 or so years of my life and Daniel's life into a few brief sentences that make sense.

I am not complaining, but just stating that being a single mother is hard! Although I guess I figured that out years ago since my own mom was a single mom. I suppose I have a greater appreciation now for what she went through while raising me.

Making the transition from just a normal single person to a foster parent to adoptive parent has been in some ways natural but in other ways very, very hard. Growing up I hated to be different from my peers in any way. I was the kind of person that just wanted to be "normal" and God forbid that I would ever do anything that would make me stick out in a weird sort of way. And now? ha! I just live life and deal with my uniqueness the best I can :-) I feel like I fumble around in situations with married couples and families because I'm solo, and this parenting thing came about in a different sort of way. And a lot of people are surprised that a single person can foster, much less adopt. (Let me say here that I have known some of the most AMAZING single women who have adopted and fostered lots of kids. Their hearts are 100% invested in loving children). 

So, I deal with the epidurals/husbands/having babies conversations in part of my life, and then in the other part I deal with the being-single-but-not-totally-single reality. I have a lot of single friends and I used to have more time to "hang out" and stay out late and not have to think about a tantruming child or a child that keeps me up at night. And I try not to bore my single friends with too much parenting talk :-)

For a girl that doesn't want to be "weird" but just wants to blend in like a normal (!) person, I have definitely found myself in a situation that stretches me. God is teaching me to stay focused, to be secure in him, to be understanding, and to not seek approval from anyone but Him. I'm still learning.

August 20, 2010. The day my dad was buried. The day I legally became mother to a son. Out of all the 365 days in a year, the funeral and the adoption happened on the same day.

My mom received the call about my dad's death several days prior to his funeral. It's hard to feel much emotion for someone you can't remember, but still, I felt sorrow. I was sad that he died alone. I was sad that the chance to meet him would never come. Throughout my growing up years he was always somewhere out there. I had a father; I had seen his pictures. I had not felt the desire to meet him until one point in my mid-twenties, but I never acted on it because I think deep down I was afraid. It was easier to not alter my world.

When news of his death came though, my chance was forever gone. And it made me sad. His funeral would be on the Hualapai reservation--though he was not there at the time of his death. He was full blood Native American so there would be a traditional wake lasting through the night. I wanted to go. Part of me was curious about the other half of my heritage. The other part of me just wanted to pay my respects. After all he gave me life. But it was not to be.

His service was scheduled for Friday, August 20th. There was no way I could be there because the adoption date for my little boy was set for that morning. So it was time to grieve alone and then look forward to the task of raising a boy who I prayed would become the kind of man that my father was not able to be.

Friday morning my mom, Daniel, and I drove to the courthouse with a close friend. Our pastors and some other special people from DHS would meet us there. I felt all the familiar waves of anxiety and nausea that I had felt so many times before while driving to the courthouse. My head kept telling me that this was going to be a good day. This was a happy occasion. But my body couldn't shake the memories of all the previous court hearings which had been so emotional and hard. I was still shaking from nerves when I went through the security at the entrance for the 25th (?) time.

For all of the previous court hearings, including the two jury trials, we had the same judge. He retired the month before the adoption though so a new judge took his place. Since I had ambivalent feelings for the first judge, I was kind of glad for the change. Plus I was told that the new judge loved adoptions and really tried to make them a memorable occasion.

After a while of waiting in the lobby we were finally called in. Daniel's adoption was the last one for the day so the judge was relaxed and happy. One more time of walking through those same heavy doors into the same courtroom....so many memories. The adoption was a happy occasion. The judge asked lots of questions, gave Daniel gifts, let him wear his judge's robe, we took lots of pictures... And then we said good-bye and thanked the caseworkers, the attorneys, the judge, and walked out of that courthouse for what I hoped would be the last time. That period of my life was over--and I wasn't sorry to say good-bye!

The adoption legalized a relationship that had already been established and I was suddenly overwhelmed with the big task ahead--raising a child!  The real work was beginning and we were moving forward. It's been two years now; in many ways it's gone by quickly, in other ways those early years of Daniel's life seem so long ago. I'm crazy over him and love being a mom but I often find myself asking God for help, and strength, and wisdom because I need it every single day.

the wonderful world of boys

As a teenager I enjoyed babysitting and it was even more fun when it was little boys! I always said when I had children that I hoped I had at least a couple of boys. I enjoyed their energy, their play, and really just thought they were fun.

Fast forward a few years and now I have a 5 year bundle of energy 'round the clock! He thinks differently, he plays differently, he is noisy and physical, and he is interested in a lot of things that I would never be interested in on my own!

But the fun things is that I am learning to enjoy his world....

one morning last week we heard the sounds of big trucks down the street. Daniel immediately perked up and started begging to see what was happening. After I had my coffee and got dressed we walked down the street to where a water truck, a dump truck, and a digger (? or excavator? or...?) were getting ready to start working. I was completely unenthusiastic on our way down there; the sun was hot and what could be more tedious than staring at trucks? 

we found a patch of shade and settled in for the show :-) And what I thought would be so boring actually turned out to be pretty interesting! (in fact I think I was having more fun than Daniel!) 

So I found myself grateful for that morning for a little boy whose curiosity has opened new worlds for me. I was grateful that he took my hand as we walked down the street and wanted to share his excitement with me. I'm learning to enjoy the moment and look at the world with new eyes :-)

just reminding myself.

Well, it's been a while since I've written anything! Sometimes I compose writings in my head but by the time the house is quiet and my work is done for the day I'm usually too tired to type anything coherent so I don't bother ;-)  Today I was thinking about how I used to write so much....I kept a regular journal (which I enjoy occasionally looking back and seeing how God has worked in my life), I kept a fairly consistent blog (back when Xanga was popular!), and I wrote poetry. Now I barely do any of those things! Maybe that's why tonight I decided to force myself to write something....

Not that today is the best day for me to be writing because it was one of those frustrating kinds of days....the kind where I come to the end and feel like I wasn't the person I wanted to be. I was a lousy mother, impatient and tired. ::sigh::  Like I tell Daniel when he realizes he messed up, tomorrow is a new day and God's mercies are new every morning.

I don't believe I'm alone in wanting to be the best parent I can be and at times feeling like my child's actions are a direct reflection on my parenting abilites/skills/methods. That is a burden I have to continually give to God. I think I struggle with expectations of myself partially because I am a single parent. I feel like that is already one strike against me (whether it's true or not). I once read an editorial--more like a rant--of Ann Coulter's where she threw up all of the statistics of children raised in single parent homes and basically blamed most of society's problems on the single mothers of the country. I 100% agree that the best and ideal situation is two parents. I know too well the difficulties of growing up with one parent. It's not easy to be the mother or the child. And obviously the statistics don't lie. But they hang over my head and often I think "I don't want to be the single parent with the out of control child!" So I remind myself over and over again I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING!!! All I have to do is be a mother with God's strength, with God's help, and for His glory. That's it. And in my weakness He can be strong. I am trying to learn to be humble and ask for help and prayer when I need it and realize that it's okay to sometimes not have it all together! I want people to look at my life (and Daniel's life) and say yes, God is good and faithful. I want Him to get all glory, but it won't be by my striving in my own strength.

I was going to write more but my brain is getting tired again! So I'll save it for later.

I'm so thankful that God's mercies truly are new every morning.