I battle fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of man, fear of failing, fear of what other people think....I'm sure the list could go on. Most of the time I keep myself busy and engaged in life so I don't have time to entertain the doubts and fears that try to pummel me. And most of the time I lean on God to give me the strength and courage that I don't have on my own.

This past week has been one of those trying-to-overcome-the-fears kind of weeks. Some of it has probably been my own fault.....my spiritual life has not been what it should be. I've been tired and going a lot. With a weak foundation it's so easy for the enemy to whisper all kinds of doubts. You're not good enough. You're not successful enough. God has forgotten about you. You're a terrible parent. Everyone else is successful and happy and they all just think you are so lame... 

Total lies, I know. And in the times that I feel strong I can see lies for what they are and know that God is working all things for good. In the weak times however it is a minute by minute battle to take every thought captive. My humanness just wants to retreat and believe it's all true. To believe that God is far, far away making capricious decisions on my behalf, or worse, just leaving me out on a limb fending for myself.

I'm naturally an introverted person. Don't push me out of my comfort zone and I am fine! In elementary school I was terrified to do anything in front of a group. In middle school I could barely bring myself to go outside if there were neighborhood friends outside because of fear. Eventually I worked through all those and pushed myself until I could give speeches in front of large groups and enjoy it. I performed music, both instrumental and vocal, in front of people and loved every minute of it. I gained confidence in being self-employed. I made friends in college easily and looked for opportunities to share Christ. And eventually I sat in a witness box two different times in court and was able to speak with confidence (God's help! cause it was scary!) I don't live in my shyness anymore, but I know that the enemy would love to plant so much doubt that I again retreat. Most of the time I have confidence and "thick skin", but satan knows where I am weak and when I am weak.

When I meet new people the temptation is there to believe that they won't understand me. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could say I'm not some kind of nerd who never left home and decided to adopt a kid and is not a cool single person now... (or a cool married person with a perfect family...) But how stupid is that?!? Obviously no, the whole world is not going to understand me (or care for that matter!) but why would I even feel like I need a disclaimer? Or to retreat and fear what others might think?

Nearly two years ago we were at a fellowship of people, all ages. During the night a young, homeschooled guy in his early 20s just point blank stated that for me to adopt a boy was just "really weird." Ok. Well, I'm sure he's not the only one who has thought that, but the attitude with which it was said was so demeaning that I was tempted to either slap him or blurt out some nasty response. I did neither, but I struggled with those words for months after that. I moved past that situation, figuring that he was just blunt and maybe a little immature. But that incident probably contributed to lies that I continue to battle at times.

So after a week of succumbing to lies, I am resolving to believe God's word and not letting the enemy push me back or make me shrink back from doing God's will or living for His glory. Yeah it's easier to just lay down and believe the enemy's words and quit fighting. But if there is one thing God has given me it is fierce competitiveness--I play to win. So I will choose to discipline my thoughts. (I'm really making myself because I don't really want to "choose" to!! ah!) And I will choose to believe God. At a prayer meeting God put the last verse of Psalm 86 in my heart. I have been thinking on it today. I went ahead and just copied/pasted the whole passage below because it is a good one. But I will believe that He will show me "a sign for good"

Prayer for Mercy, with Meditation on the Excellencies of the Lord

A Prayer of David.

86 Bow down Your ear, O Lord, hear me;
For I am poor and needy.
² Preserve my life, for I am holy;
You are my God;
Save Your servant who trusts in You!
³ Be merciful to me, O Lord,
For I cry to You all day long.
⁴ Rejoice the soul of Your servant,
For to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
⁵ For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You.

⁶ Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer;
And attend to the voice of my supplications.
⁷ In the day of my trouble I will call upon You,
For You will answer me.

⁸ Among the gods there is none like You, O Lord;
Nor are there any works like Your works.
⁹ All nations whom You have made
Shall come and worship before You, O Lord,
And shall glorify Your name.
¹⁰ For You are great, and do wondrous things;
You alone are God.

¹¹ Teach me Your way, O Lord;
I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
¹² I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And I will glorify Your name forevermore.
¹³ For great is Your mercy toward me,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

¹⁴ O God, the proud have risen against me,
And a mob of violent men have sought my life,
And have not set You before them.
¹⁵ But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious,
Longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth.

¹⁶ Oh, turn to me, and have mercy on me!
Give Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your maidservant.
¹⁷ Show me a sign for good,
That those who hate me may see it and be ashamed,
Because You, Lord, have helped me and comforted me.