A few weeks ago I pulled out my poetry journal. I used to write in it frequently; bits and pieces of thoughts, poetry, pieces of songs, and prayers are scattered through the pages. It's been a while since I've looked at it, much less written in it.

This past year has been full of ups and downs, and altogether it has probably been one of the hardest and most intense years of my life. I have had strong faith, weak faith, had days that I felt I had no faith left. I've felt sure of God and His presence and had other days where I've felt so alone. I've believed God's Word with all of my heart, and then a few days later questioned if it was even true. I've felt deep anger and then chose to forgive, and then had to forgive again....and again....

Ever since I saw Miss B for the last time on June 2, it has been a struggle to focus on the good without letting all the ugliness of the case drown out the happy memories. I frequently hold back tears when I talk about her even 6 months later.

Fostering was something that was so close to my heart the past 8 years. From April 2013 until June 2014 I poured my life into Daniel and Miss B. During the 14 months I had Miss B, from a newborn until a toddler, I had very few full nights of sleep; now I look back with fondess on the nights that I held her and soothed her back to sleep. My days were busy taking care of the two kids, in addition to working and everything else that happens in life. My heart was happy and my days were full.

After she abruptly left, it felt like my heart had been ripped out and crushed. During these past summer months we were in court a lot, but after it was over I retreated and stopped talking about any of it. Answering questions about her was tough, and even thinking about her brought back all of the heartache and stress that was involved in those 14 months of fostering her. 

Now I feel like I am picking up the pieces of life again and figuring out what is next...
So I pulled out my poetry notebook and looked back through the pages. The last song I had started was for Miss B, but it was unfinished when she left and I couldn't bring myself to look at it again for several months. Maybe I can start to finish it. Or maybe other songs will come out instead.

But I feel like perhaps it is time to start putting some of the thoughts on paper again. And even though I've tried to shove much of the bad memories aside of the dealings with DHS etc I'm thinking maybe it is time to start writing about it, leaving names out of course. Even after several years of being involved in fostering and seeing alot of sad things, I honestly never knew that such depths of ugliness existed within the child welfare system, and it has left me wondering how much I can be involved again. The need is great, but some of the things we experienced in last year were so crazy they were almost unbelievable. However I keep praying that good will come of it all, and there will be beauty in place of ashes and sorrow.

"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning...." (Ps 30:5b) believing that it will be true.