I've started several blog posts recently, had so many thoughts tumbling around but then I sit down and cannot organize them into anything that makes sense!

Just a little over 2 weeks until our next court hearing. Everything in me dreads it. I can't think of too much that I like less than being in court!

Tonight while I have the house to myself I am going through the many audio and video files I have of B in order to see if there is anything we want to use in court. I have procrastinated because it hurts so much. And if we share the recordings of her in distress, will those who want to discredit us twist it? Will they scoff at her cries?

So many nights I was up with her holding her while she cried. We begged people to listen. We invited them to spend the night or just listen to the recordings so they would know what their policies were doing to her. So they would know how fragile and needy she was. But who cared?

Following the surprise removal of B, DHS contacted us a couple of weeks later and asked if we would bring B's "belongings" to DHS--since the worker would not give us time to pack anything for her. I took them to the downtown office last week. I asked for some kind of explanation for the manner of removal and I got no direct answer. It turns out that the answer I was given was not true anyway. The next day I was able to see emails that were exchanged within DHS which gave me the answers to my questions and confirmed that what the worker had told me the day before was false.

After breaking down into tears in the DHS lobby, and begging the worker to tell me why, and getting no real answer, she looked at the bag of Brooklyn's "belongings," including new clothes and a new toy I had bought on the way and said "is this all?" I had prayed during the days leading up to my visit at DHS that God would help me to love and forgive, that He would give me meekness and humility. Heaven knows I've shared my opinion many times already! And it's a good thing I prayed those prayers because when she asked that question with a smirk "is this all?" my natural self would have wanted to rip into her and tell her what I thought of her question and they way they handled B's case. But I didn't. Somehow I had the grace to hold my tongue and trust that if I hold on to love that what is true will prevail.

But it's ok. God knows. And this is not over. I don't know the end of the story and I don't know when I will see B again but the prayers have not been in vain. I am still believing God for something big, something that will shake the child welfare system up because I hear too many stories--another one today--of how it is broken.

In the middle of these hard, hard weeks I still have hope.

fight with love

Another hearing regarding Miss B is in exactly one month. The days are full with Daniel's activities and my efforts to maintain some normalcy and get into a summer schedule.

My heart still hurts constantly, although some days I have no tears and other days I wake up with tears and go to bed with tears. I dreamed about B for the first time last weekend while we were out of town. On the one hand I was delighted to hold her again in my dreams, but it was like saying good-bye all over again when I woke up. Although I never really did get to say good-bye.

I still can't look at her closet or watch videos. Sometimes I can talk about her other times it just makes me cry.

Through the intense stress of the last year and the seeming lack of justice on B's behalf I have struggled immensely with my emotions towards those who have caused so much pain. I believe in justice and there is nothing on earth that brings the fight out in me as much as a baby or child. A baby is so incredibly helpless and depends on others to provide safety, nurture, and love.

Everything in me has wanted to find a way to take revenge, to hate, to refuse forgiveness and to wish all the evil returned back to those who have shown disregard for B.

This past week I read one book about love and now I am currently reading a book by Shane Claiborne titled "Jesus for President." It is rocking my world. I can't try to summarize it here but every page is speaking to me. It is a reminder that we are dealing with the world's system of power; it is man's system and it has become corrupt. It is of this world, not of the kingdom of God and many of the people working in it have become blind to love or compassion.

As I was praying tonight this phrase came to mind: fight with love. I get the fight part...but I've fallen way short on the love part. In fact there are some people that I cannot imagine ever loving. (and the feeling is probably mutual.) I've spend most of my life feeling like I never had enemies, I like most people and if I don't like them I just avoid them. But I haven't been able to avoid people in this situation and I cannot imagine going into another hostile court situation. In fact I can't go into a hostile court situation when my own heart is so unloving.

I'm still sorting through all of this because I still pray for justice for B and I hate what "the system" has done to her. Yet I'm asked to love my enemies and do good. God says vengeance belongs to Him but what about when vengeance doesn't come on my terms on my timetable?

It is humanly impossible for me to have a heart of love in a situation like this. I already know that. So these next weeks I will not only be asking God for miracles in the situation but I'll be asking for miracles in me for His glory.

I have heard that nothing compares to the pain of losing a child. I think it must be true.

This is grief....I am trying to enjoy the moment and make happy memories with Daniel this week, but below the surface the pain is a constant. It is never gone. Everything reminds me of Miss B. Going places without her is really hard.

Several times I have sat down with the intention of writing, but there is so much and so many emotions I don't even know how to express things.

It's been close to 2 weeks since the DHS worker took Miss B in a very cruel manner. 14 months of love ended in a hateful way with the caseworker's show of power. 

Alright people, you won. I never did this for a thank you, but even silence would have been kinder than your sneers, twisting of truth, and the pure hatred in your faces for our family. I will never understand the hate. To you she was just a file, a name on a piece of paper, a number on a docket. To me she was a fragile baby that I took home and cared for round the clock, staying up night after night, loved without holding back knowing that I was risking grief and loss. Only I didn't expect the cruelty that would accompany that loss. 

Not only did those working in the system let it be known that they hate me, and will do everything they can to make sure that I never see Miss B again, even if she is removed from her biological father's home in the future, but people that I thought I could trust have turned into back stabbers. I have seen more ugliness in human nature in the last months than I ever have wanted to see.

I am far from perfect and I have not always handled everything with grace. But to the best of my ability I try to be loyal. So the grief of having B ripped away without warning was exacerbated by the back stabbing in the days following...gossip, shunning, being unfriended and blocked on FB by people whom I had prayed for, encouraged, and would have defended and spoken up for. And for what?? I don't even know what I did wrong. I'd rather have someone tell me to my face what I've done wrong so I can make it right than to just hate, gossip, or cut me off.

Another hearing is ahead this summer, a legality to be able to finish what was started in May. It won't bring B back but it is an opportunity to get everything on record. Do I want to face those people again? No. They've stuck the knife in and twisted it already, I dread giving them another opportunity to do it again. But if it can somehow make a difference for B or for another child I can do it I think.

So today we keep moving forward and when the time is right we can talk and tell the whole story.

Baby girl, I miss you more than words can say. You deserved so much more than what life handed you these last 14 months.