I think I have mentioned before that I'm not a fan of waiting. I can be patient to a point, but when it is in my power to do something, I want to do it. I set goals, I make lists, I go for what I've set my mind to do. And I take great pride in crossing things off my list!
But what about when God says to wait? What about when I COULD be making progress on my goals and He is seeming to say "wait." I don't like it. I want to be moving forward and accomplishing things. Sometimes it seems like the path between my initial idea/dream/goal and seeing it come to pass is SO long and slow.
Yesterday our DHS worker called about placing a child in our home. Because of a chaotic weekend and various issues that came up during the process of thinking about it we ended up saying no to this one. A part of me was so disappointed. I was ready to welcome another one as soon as Little N left, but I have to wait.
I will give credit to my mom for speaking words that prompted my thoughts in this waiting time....
I have dreams for the future that started several years ago. I journaled about it and I could practically see it! And often I wonder "why is it taking so long?" Why do so many days pass by where it seems like I'm not moving forward and it is just the same routine. Why, when I want to make a difference, does it feel like I am in the same place and not making much of a difference?
And the word that I have been reminding myself of today is "foundation." Build on a lousy, faulty foundation and everything will come crumbling down. But build on a firm, solid foundation and what is built will last. And I'm thinking that maybe in these days...months...even years (!) of waiting that there must be some work to do on the foundation. I get an idea and I'm ready to plunge in, rush ahead, make it happen....and then I have to backtrack and redo mistakes that I made.
So what is it that God is building here exactly? I wish I knew. I felt like He gave me vision years ago, and I've seen the beginning of some of it. But I feel that there must be more He needs to do in the foundation of my life. I can ignore it and push ahead when the waiting process seems painfully slow or I can allow Him to do the work He wants to do in me. I can make the most of each day and build a stronger foundation of prayer, the Word, and relationship with Him or I can bypass that in an effort to move things along. I can spend these days with Daniel laying a good foundation for his life, working through the hard things, being faithful to train, nurture, and pray for him, or I can ignore the issues that come up and deal with the consequences later.
God is apparently not into laying hasty foundations (at least in my life--much to my dismay!) So I pray for patience to work with Him and be willing to live life with His timing, trusting that the end result will be far more solid than if I pushed on with my will in my way.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
february thoughts
Three weeks after he's been gone, our family still talks about Little N and misses him. Daniel frequently brings up something funny Little N did, or talks about what he liked and didn't like. We pray for him and hope that things go well in his life. And now we're open to DHS placing another one...even though a part of me finds it so frustrating to deal with the child welfare system when decisions are made that are not in the best interest of the child. But we do it for the children and hope for the best.
Yeah working with DHS can be maddening. I have heard horror stories from other foster parents,and I have been disappointed myself with poor decisions that have been made. But I have also met those who truly care and want to make good decisions, and I am grateful for the eventual outcome in Daniel's life.
Recently I was thinking back to one situation in Daniel's case. His case was getting so complicated and difficult that his permanency worker was needing assistance. She requested that a second caseworker be put on the case to help. I remember the day that the two caseworkers came to our house to do a home visit. I was a nervous wreck! This second worker was a tall, large woman with steely gray eyes that looked as if they could drill holes into you and see your innermost thoughts. She was scary. She spoke with authority and had a stern face. The visit went well, even though every time she stared at me I wanted to squirm!
A few weeks later we were at the DHS building for a parent visit. By this point I was thoroughly stressed and it was wearing me down. I don't remember the details of what was happening but I just know that I broke down in tears in the third floor lobby and felt completely helpless and hopeless. This intimidating, scary caseworker took me in her arms, hugged me and said, "I know it's hard. But everything is going to be ok." And I realized that underneath her stern demeanor was a woman who really had a heart. She was doing a job that is not easy, that was stressful, and where she had probably had dealt with a lot of ugly things.
The ugliness that is involved with the child welfare system is simply the result of sin. Flawed humans in a flawed system intervene in messy situations and try to do good. But frequently in an effort to do good there is also pain and harm. I saw over and over again in Daniel's situation where people tried to make good decisions or were obligated to follow standard procedures but someone was hurt in the process. The biological parents of these children bring a child into the world, a child who didn't ask to be born. Often the parent (or parents) have no idea how to parent or they are addicted and have their life in a mess. So the child is born and is neglected or abused. DHS intervenes...sometimes there is a good outcome, sometimes there is not. But the root of the original problem is this sinful, fallen world that we live in. And it makes me sad to see the result of sin and the chaos that it causes in the lives of children.
I love that more Christians are getting involved though. Even though child abuse and neglect is not going to completely go away as long as we are on this earth, I am so happy when God's people do what they can to bring God's love into broken families one child at a time. Sin is ugly, but God's love brings beauty and transformation.
Yeah working with DHS can be maddening. I have heard horror stories from other foster parents,and I have been disappointed myself with poor decisions that have been made. But I have also met those who truly care and want to make good decisions, and I am grateful for the eventual outcome in Daniel's life.
Recently I was thinking back to one situation in Daniel's case. His case was getting so complicated and difficult that his permanency worker was needing assistance. She requested that a second caseworker be put on the case to help. I remember the day that the two caseworkers came to our house to do a home visit. I was a nervous wreck! This second worker was a tall, large woman with steely gray eyes that looked as if they could drill holes into you and see your innermost thoughts. She was scary. She spoke with authority and had a stern face. The visit went well, even though every time she stared at me I wanted to squirm!
A few weeks later we were at the DHS building for a parent visit. By this point I was thoroughly stressed and it was wearing me down. I don't remember the details of what was happening but I just know that I broke down in tears in the third floor lobby and felt completely helpless and hopeless. This intimidating, scary caseworker took me in her arms, hugged me and said, "I know it's hard. But everything is going to be ok." And I realized that underneath her stern demeanor was a woman who really had a heart. She was doing a job that is not easy, that was stressful, and where she had probably had dealt with a lot of ugly things.
The ugliness that is involved with the child welfare system is simply the result of sin. Flawed humans in a flawed system intervene in messy situations and try to do good. But frequently in an effort to do good there is also pain and harm. I saw over and over again in Daniel's situation where people tried to make good decisions or were obligated to follow standard procedures but someone was hurt in the process. The biological parents of these children bring a child into the world, a child who didn't ask to be born. Often the parent (or parents) have no idea how to parent or they are addicted and have their life in a mess. So the child is born and is neglected or abused. DHS intervenes...sometimes there is a good outcome, sometimes there is not. But the root of the original problem is this sinful, fallen world that we live in. And it makes me sad to see the result of sin and the chaos that it causes in the lives of children.
I love that more Christians are getting involved though. Even though child abuse and neglect is not going to completely go away as long as we are on this earth, I am so happy when God's people do what they can to bring God's love into broken families one child at a time. Sin is ugly, but God's love brings beauty and transformation.
Monday, February 4, 2013
courage
I've had these thoughts going around in my head for at least a week now, and I've debated about whether even to post this...
Recently after church one of the older men pulled me aside and thanked me for being an example of sacrifice and courage, and encouraged me to keep going and keep trusting God. Those words blessed me and helped to give me courage at a time that I was feeling kind of...well....not courageous.
Then in the last few days as I've been talking to different people and they've asked about our most recent foster/DHS experience, again people have said to me things like "you're so brave....I could never do that....it takes a special kind of person....it takes such courage....etc." And while I say thank you, I wonder if I'm really courageous or just crazy!
The truth is that I'm not courageous. And I don't feel brave. People give such compliments--and I very much appreciate words of encouragement--but I don't feel any more courageous or amazing than anyone else I know. In fact I can think of alot of people who I would say are far more strong, amazing, courageous, sacrificial than I am!
There are many days I wake up and don't feel strong enough to face the day. And when I look too far ahead I don't feel courageous. I wonder how I'm going to do it. Like any other parent, I frequently feel like my parenting skills are less than wonderful! And like any other foster/adoptive parent I have struggled through times of trying to understand my child and know how to help him work through hard things.
And then like any single parent I wonder how I'm going to raise a boy for however long I do it alone. How will he learn to work on a car (since his passion is cars/trucks!), or fish (because I am too wimpy to take a fish off a hook), or hunt (maybe he'll lose interest in that one. Or maybe I can just learn to do it too)? How will he learn to use tools (I can use several different tools but I always forget the names and can't very well have him call them "thingys" like I do!) And what about shaving? or learning the "facts of life"? And then along with those thoughts I have all the wonderings about my own decisions for the future in regards to work, finances, and wise planning.
When I think those overwhelming thoughts too long I panic and say "God, please HELP!!" because I feel like I'm out on a limb trusting Him--or at least trying to because there's no one/nothing else to trust! And when I want to dwell on those worrisome thoughts I have to pull myself back to one day at a time. So, today everything is ok. God gives me the strength I need for today. And He provides what Daniel needs for today.
If other people see courage in me, then it must be God working in me. I can only do what He's called me to do because He gives me the strength....just like He gives strength to every person who is doing His will. In my own strength I feel so weak, and I hope that when people look at my life that they know that I am not amazing or courageous or strong by myself. It's all God. And I'm convinced that sometimes He calls us to do things that are so far out of our comfort zone so that we know that He's carrying us. In our weakness He can be strong. I take comfort in that.
Recently after church one of the older men pulled me aside and thanked me for being an example of sacrifice and courage, and encouraged me to keep going and keep trusting God. Those words blessed me and helped to give me courage at a time that I was feeling kind of...well....not courageous.
Then in the last few days as I've been talking to different people and they've asked about our most recent foster/DHS experience, again people have said to me things like "you're so brave....I could never do that....it takes a special kind of person....it takes such courage....etc." And while I say thank you, I wonder if I'm really courageous or just crazy!
The truth is that I'm not courageous. And I don't feel brave. People give such compliments--and I very much appreciate words of encouragement--but I don't feel any more courageous or amazing than anyone else I know. In fact I can think of alot of people who I would say are far more strong, amazing, courageous, sacrificial than I am!
There are many days I wake up and don't feel strong enough to face the day. And when I look too far ahead I don't feel courageous. I wonder how I'm going to do it. Like any other parent, I frequently feel like my parenting skills are less than wonderful! And like any other foster/adoptive parent I have struggled through times of trying to understand my child and know how to help him work through hard things.
And then like any single parent I wonder how I'm going to raise a boy for however long I do it alone. How will he learn to work on a car (since his passion is cars/trucks!), or fish (because I am too wimpy to take a fish off a hook), or hunt (maybe he'll lose interest in that one. Or maybe I can just learn to do it too)? How will he learn to use tools (I can use several different tools but I always forget the names and can't very well have him call them "thingys" like I do!) And what about shaving? or learning the "facts of life"? And then along with those thoughts I have all the wonderings about my own decisions for the future in regards to work, finances, and wise planning.
When I think those overwhelming thoughts too long I panic and say "God, please HELP!!" because I feel like I'm out on a limb trusting Him--or at least trying to because there's no one/nothing else to trust! And when I want to dwell on those worrisome thoughts I have to pull myself back to one day at a time. So, today everything is ok. God gives me the strength I need for today. And He provides what Daniel needs for today.
If other people see courage in me, then it must be God working in me. I can only do what He's called me to do because He gives me the strength....just like He gives strength to every person who is doing His will. In my own strength I feel so weak, and I hope that when people look at my life that they know that I am not amazing or courageous or strong by myself. It's all God. And I'm convinced that sometimes He calls us to do things that are so far out of our comfort zone so that we know that He's carrying us. In our weakness He can be strong. I take comfort in that.
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