cherishing the moments

The days have been full in our home! This past week was my week off from teaching and it seemed way more busy than when I am teaching! Having a 2.5 month old in the house has definitely made life more busy but it has been so much fun. I love babies and we are all enamored with her. Even Daniel finds great delight in getting her to smile (and even better, laugh!) at him. When he can accomplish that, he gets a big grin and says, "she smiled at me...at ME!!"

It has been amazing to watch her grow and change from a teeny newborn to an almost 11 pound healthy girl with a personality. She smiles, laughs, coos, and loves to "converse" and have us sing to her. I think God did something amazing when he created babies. They are such a sweet miracle.

I'm realizing more too that the older she is getting, she is becoming more and more of a little person and now that she is making eye contact and deliberate smiles it is going to be incredibly hard to say good-bye to her. As a four day old, we loved her and I loved getting up with her at night, but she was just a little "being" that had no real emotional connection yet. But now, I can say with certainty that her leaving will definitely tear my heart. There...I said it. Of course if/when the time comes that the court decides that her parent(s) are ready to provide a safe, stable home then I will not stand in the way of reunification and I, of course, want what's best for everyone; so if that means supporting and helping with reunification then I will do my best. When DHS called about a newborn in the hospital little did I know how she would endear herself to us so quickly.

Sometimes I am afraid of future pain....but I keep telling myself that loving always comes with risk. When I look back on our 3 weeks with Little N, my regret is not that I loved him and had to let him go to what turned out to be sad circumstances. My regret is that I didn't love him more. I loved him, but a part of me held back because I was afraid of getting "too attached." If I could go back I would love more deeply and rock him each night when he woke up crying. I have been thinking that it's almost like when a friend or loved one dies....no one says that they wish they had loved less so that the pain would be less. Most people wish that they had loved more and cherished every moment with that person.

So we are cherishing every moment with Baby B and praying for the very best outcome.