Well, it's been a while since I've written anything! Sometimes I compose writings in my head but by the time the house is quiet and my work is done for the day I'm usually too tired to type anything coherent so I don't bother ;-) Today I was thinking about how I used to write so much....I kept a regular journal (which I enjoy occasionally looking back and seeing how God has worked in my life), I kept a fairly consistent blog (back when Xanga was popular!), and I wrote poetry. Now I barely do any of those things! Maybe that's why tonight I decided to force myself to write something....
Not that today is the best day for me to be writing because it was one of those frustrating kinds of days....the kind where I come to the end and feel like I wasn't the person I wanted to be. I was a lousy mother, impatient and tired. ::sigh:: Like I tell Daniel when he realizes he messed up, tomorrow is a new day and God's mercies are new every morning.
I don't believe I'm alone in wanting to be the best parent I can be and at times feeling like my child's actions are a direct reflection on my parenting abilites/skills/methods. That is a burden I have to continually give to God. I think I struggle with expectations of myself partially because I am a single parent. I feel like that is already one strike against me (whether it's true or not). I once read an editorial--more like a rant--of Ann Coulter's where she threw up all of the statistics of children raised in single parent homes and basically blamed most of society's problems on the single mothers of the country. I 100% agree that the best and ideal situation is two parents. I know too well the difficulties of growing up with one parent. It's not easy to be the mother or the child. And obviously the statistics don't lie. But they hang over my head and often I think "I don't want to be the single parent with the out of control child!" So I remind myself over and over again I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING!!! All I have to do is be a mother with God's strength, with God's help, and for His glory. That's it. And in my weakness He can be strong. I am trying to learn to be humble and ask for help and prayer when I need it and realize that it's okay to sometimes not have it all together! I want people to look at my life (and Daniel's life) and say yes, God is good and faithful. I want Him to get all glory, but it won't be by my striving in my own strength.
I was going to write more but my brain is getting tired again! So I'll save it for later.
I'm so thankful that God's mercies truly are new every morning.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
and life goes on
We spent several days prepping for a garage sale which he had last weekend. In the process I had to sort through Daniel's baby and toddler items. Whatever was left I posted on Craigslist ::sigh:: it put me in a sentimental mood, realizing how quickly time is passing and taking me back again to memories of his baby and toddler days.
As trite as it sounds, it really seems like yesterday that Daniel was a baby. And yet it also seems so long ago since much of the events occurring during that time have been pushed out of my mind.
Allan's case took several weeks to be transferred to the appropriate DHS department--to a permanency planning caseworker. During that time we attempted to settle into a routine, read through his case file, and figure out what we were doing!!!
By June, when Daniel was 5 months old, we had met the permanency planning worker. He would be creating a plan for the biological parents to complete in order for Daniel to be returned to their custody. He also established a plan for supervised visitation between Daniel and his biological parents at the DHS office.
Under pediatrician's guidance and with the help of Sooner Start therapists, we were working with Daniel to be on track with developmental milestones. Due to rib and arm fractures he lacked upper body strength and needed help with being on his tummy and pushing up. By this time, although he was supposed to start sleeping through the night, he was experiencing what was described as night terrors, sometimes during naps, often at night. Sleepless nights were normal and the night terrors increased in the nights following visitations.
I had read through all of Daniel's case file which included pages of hospital records. It was very tedious but I was determined to know all about Daniel's history. As we met with attorneys and caseworkers throughout the summer of '07 I was surprised that several of them seemed to be uninformed about what exactly had brought Allan into DHS custody. Of course each of them had far more cases than they were supposed to have since "the system" is overloaded. It was frustating though to feel as if no one had the time to thoroughly look at Daniel's case as decisions were being made.
When parent visits became more regular at the DHS office, my mom took Daniel for the one hour visit. We felt it would be more comfortable for the parents since she could be more of a mother figure to them and help "coach" them in the visits.
Although the parents had started taking parenting classes, the state had surprisingly opted to bypass a treatment plan and the decision of the Assistant District Attorney was to terminate parental rights. A jury trial was scheduled for the beginning of September. If rights were terminated Daniel would be available for adoption. Well, adoption wasn't my plan and since he would have been in our home such a short time I would not necessarily be looked at as first choice.
Monday, September 10th, 2007, was the day jury selection would begin. My mom was planning to be at the court house. An attorney called our home mid morning to inform us that the ADA decided to drop the case. DHS would draw up a treatment plan and work for Daniel to be sent home within a few months. And oh, yeah, the case would be transferred to another worker within a few weeks. I don't do sudden changes well and these changes required more strength than I felt I had at that moment.
I jsut remember sitting in my bed that night praying, praying, praying. And the emotional roller coaster was just starting.
As trite as it sounds, it really seems like yesterday that Daniel was a baby. And yet it also seems so long ago since much of the events occurring during that time have been pushed out of my mind.
Allan's case took several weeks to be transferred to the appropriate DHS department--to a permanency planning caseworker. During that time we attempted to settle into a routine, read through his case file, and figure out what we were doing!!!
By June, when Daniel was 5 months old, we had met the permanency planning worker. He would be creating a plan for the biological parents to complete in order for Daniel to be returned to their custody. He also established a plan for supervised visitation between Daniel and his biological parents at the DHS office.
Under pediatrician's guidance and with the help of Sooner Start therapists, we were working with Daniel to be on track with developmental milestones. Due to rib and arm fractures he lacked upper body strength and needed help with being on his tummy and pushing up. By this time, although he was supposed to start sleeping through the night, he was experiencing what was described as night terrors, sometimes during naps, often at night. Sleepless nights were normal and the night terrors increased in the nights following visitations.
I had read through all of Daniel's case file which included pages of hospital records. It was very tedious but I was determined to know all about Daniel's history. As we met with attorneys and caseworkers throughout the summer of '07 I was surprised that several of them seemed to be uninformed about what exactly had brought Allan into DHS custody. Of course each of them had far more cases than they were supposed to have since "the system" is overloaded. It was frustating though to feel as if no one had the time to thoroughly look at Daniel's case as decisions were being made.
When parent visits became more regular at the DHS office, my mom took Daniel for the one hour visit. We felt it would be more comfortable for the parents since she could be more of a mother figure to them and help "coach" them in the visits.
Although the parents had started taking parenting classes, the state had surprisingly opted to bypass a treatment plan and the decision of the Assistant District Attorney was to terminate parental rights. A jury trial was scheduled for the beginning of September. If rights were terminated Daniel would be available for adoption. Well, adoption wasn't my plan and since he would have been in our home such a short time I would not necessarily be looked at as first choice.
Monday, September 10th, 2007, was the day jury selection would begin. My mom was planning to be at the court house. An attorney called our home mid morning to inform us that the ADA decided to drop the case. DHS would draw up a treatment plan and work for Daniel to be sent home within a few months. And oh, yeah, the case would be transferred to another worker within a few weeks. I don't do sudden changes well and these changes required more strength than I felt I had at that moment.
I jsut remember sitting in my bed that night praying, praying, praying. And the emotional roller coaster was just starting.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
April 19, 2007
April 19, 2007. The day my life changed forever. It started with a phone call in the morning. The DHS worker had been scheduled to bring our contract to sign in the afternoon. She called to ask if she could bring a baby boy when she brought the contract. He had spent a couple of nights in the hospital because of bone fractures and had spent one night at the shelter. Because of his injuries they wanted to get him into a home right away. So sudden and unexpected. My mom asked if she could call back with an answer. Her big concern was that he might cry a lot if he was in pain and would he cry all night? We prayed and said, well why not?
April 19, 2007. The caseworker walked through the front door that afternoon, contract in one hand baby carrier in the other.
A beautiful baby boy sleeping peacefully with a pacifier. A naive 24 year old who had no idea what was in store. And a "mimi" who wasn't "Mimi" yet because the infant was too young for us to have to worry about titles. All three of us were facing one hard journey. Good thing we didn't know it at the time!
That day all we knew was the baby had injuries; his arm was in a makeshift sling thanks to the shelter staff. We scrambled to gather baby supplies and make sense of all the paperwork and what was happening. He was scheduled to have an MRI and full body scan within the week in order to assess all the injuries.
The goal was reunification with his parents. We could expect to have him for 6 months-1 year. Still we had no idea what that involved and were completely clueless as to how the court and child welfare system functioned. Looking back I realize I was so naive!
April 24, 2007
It has been an absolute delight to have Daniel here...even though it is a lot of work :) He is such a beautiful baby and so much fun! Babies are so neat! I didn't realize how amazing and fun they are.
May 28, 2007
Having Daniel here is bittersweet. I love being with him and taking care of him. It's always in the back of my mind that I am going to give him up someday
DHS asks that foster parents keep "life books" for each child so that they can take it with them when they move to another placement or return to their parents. We took pictures and I began working on a book for him, keeping track of his developmental milestones and other fun things. At various times we gave pages to his biological mother as well as kept pages here. I had planned to write letters to Daniel that I would send with him so that he would have a record of how much I loved him even though I figured that if he moved after a year he wouldn't remember me. This was the first letter I composed:
May 9, 2007
Dear Daniel,
I just put you down for a nap after rocking you to sleep; you looked so peaceful and adorable! Tomorrow it will be three weeks that you have been in our home.
It has been so much fun to watch you grow and change! In the short time that you have been here we have watched you learn to suck your fingers, hold things, start to laugh, and kick your arms and legs.
I love to sit and "talk" with you and see you smile and laugh. I also love to watch you when you start kicking and waving your arms so energetically!
I didn't know it was possible to love a little baby so much. I feel that through your life God is teaching me so much about His love, and that He's also going to continue to teach me about true, agape love. I know that God wants me to learn to love with the kind of love that wants what is best for someone else.
You are so special and so loved. I really believe God has great things for your life and every day I pray that God's purpose for your life will be fulfilled. The first weeks you were here, I prayed for you all those nights that I got up to feed you. I will always have good memories of those nights I fed you and prayed for you and sang to you :)
The next few months were a learning experience for sure. I hope to write more about it soon. But for now, I'm tired!
April 19, 2007. The caseworker walked through the front door that afternoon, contract in one hand baby carrier in the other.
A beautiful baby boy sleeping peacefully with a pacifier. A naive 24 year old who had no idea what was in store. And a "mimi" who wasn't "Mimi" yet because the infant was too young for us to have to worry about titles. All three of us were facing one hard journey. Good thing we didn't know it at the time!
That day all we knew was the baby had injuries; his arm was in a makeshift sling thanks to the shelter staff. We scrambled to gather baby supplies and make sense of all the paperwork and what was happening. He was scheduled to have an MRI and full body scan within the week in order to assess all the injuries.
The goal was reunification with his parents. We could expect to have him for 6 months-1 year. Still we had no idea what that involved and were completely clueless as to how the court and child welfare system functioned. Looking back I realize I was so naive!
April 24, 2007
It has been an absolute delight to have Daniel here...even though it is a lot of work :) He is such a beautiful baby and so much fun! Babies are so neat! I didn't realize how amazing and fun they are.
May 28, 2007
Having Daniel here is bittersweet. I love being with him and taking care of him. It's always in the back of my mind that I am going to give him up someday
DHS asks that foster parents keep "life books" for each child so that they can take it with them when they move to another placement or return to their parents. We took pictures and I began working on a book for him, keeping track of his developmental milestones and other fun things. At various times we gave pages to his biological mother as well as kept pages here. I had planned to write letters to Daniel that I would send with him so that he would have a record of how much I loved him even though I figured that if he moved after a year he wouldn't remember me. This was the first letter I composed:
May 9, 2007
Dear Daniel,
I just put you down for a nap after rocking you to sleep; you looked so peaceful and adorable! Tomorrow it will be three weeks that you have been in our home.
It has been so much fun to watch you grow and change! In the short time that you have been here we have watched you learn to suck your fingers, hold things, start to laugh, and kick your arms and legs.
I love to sit and "talk" with you and see you smile and laugh. I also love to watch you when you start kicking and waving your arms so energetically!
I didn't know it was possible to love a little baby so much. I feel that through your life God is teaching me so much about His love, and that He's also going to continue to teach me about true, agape love. I know that God wants me to learn to love with the kind of love that wants what is best for someone else.
You are so special and so loved. I really believe God has great things for your life and every day I pray that God's purpose for your life will be fulfilled. The first weeks you were here, I prayed for you all those nights that I got up to feed you. I will always have good memories of those nights I fed you and prayed for you and sang to you :)
The next few months were a learning experience for sure. I hope to write more about it soon. But for now, I'm tired!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Before April 19, 2007
Tomorrow, April 19, 2012, marks five years since Daniel was brought to our home. I hope to write more about it tomorrow--if I can find the time--but I recently pulled out old journals to reflect on the months leading up to Daniel's arrival. I plan to share some excerpts from my journal entries here...because at the time I had no idea what was coming!
January 20, 2006
I had a lovely dream last night. I remember nothing except sitting with a little boy on my lap. He was about 4 years old, had a sweatsuit on and had beautiful dark hair. I was hugging him (had my arms around him from behind). He was laughing and I had my head against his--with his pretty hair.
(I had forgotten all about that dream until Daniel was about 3 and one day I was sitting with him and flashed back to that dream, because his hair was the very same as the boy in my dream. So I hunted through my journals until I found that entry.)
Feb 10, 2006
...today I was thinking about all the teens in foster care that no one wants.... I would totally take teenagers.... (I must have been thinking way down the road since I was 23 at the time)
I had other ideas that went along with this. It seems kind of silly and far out but last night I was so excited to think about it that I was ready to plant my garden today! I can't take a foster kid today but I need to remember that today is today and tomorrow is not yet. I would even consider adoption.
March 9, 2006
Our foster parenting plans have taken quite a few variations and now we've settled on doing respite for therapeutic kids. It wasn't what I wanted but that's okay. Anyway we have a lot of stuff to do before the end of the month.
March 20, 2006
Last night we went to the shelter (DHS shelter) I love going there even though it breaks my heart. I just want to take the kids home. We plan to be certified through Bair at the end of this month. We are finishing up our last requirements.
April 9, 2006
We got certified for foster parenting this past Wednesday. I am so excited! I can't wait until we actually have a child here :)
Up until that time I had been struggling in my Christian walk and was in a time of deep discouragement. It was in April of 2006 that God totally turned my life around and I was revived spiritually. Our home was certified through the Bair Foundation which was a Christian agency that placed children who were considered "therapeutic." That meant they required a higher level of training and care because they frequently had emotional issues and often were on medication (or several medications as we soon found out)
During the rest of 2006 we provided respite care for over a dozen children ranging in age from 2-17. Often it was just for a weekend. Perhaps sometime I'll write more about that, but for now I will say that it was not easy! It was very stretching and I realized how much of God's love one really needs in order to truly love a hurting child or teenager. A brief excerpt from my journal December 2006 reads "Today we get the next two girls. Last weekend was hard. It was intense. Sometimes it was so hard to see past the external behaviors and attitudes and really love the girls. I had compassion and I know they both had a lot of hurts and needs, but the intensity of the situation would at times make me want to shut down and not want to love them. Fostering is really hard."
As the time drew closer for us to have to be re-certified through Bair, they were trying to find a young child to place in our home for longer term. Every child that was going to be placed ended up being placed in a different home. At that time we made the decision to leave Bair and be certified for "regular" foster care directly through DHS.
March 30, 2007
We're picking up our Bair papers next Tuesday so we are officially going with DHS. I'm excited. Last night on the news they were talking about the waiting child program. It just breaks my heart to see that!!!
April 2, 2007
(We had been at a house church meeting the day before) Yesterday _____ taught on "transition." It was good and thought-provoking. Sometimes it would be nice to know what I am transitioning to. I need discernment right now.
And then I followed that entry with several verses....though the verses speak of sons and also Mary's words to God which I have since referenced, at the time I believe I wrote the verses in regards to prayer. At least that is my recollection.
"And Hannah was in bitterness of soul and prayed unto the Lord and wept sore. And she vowed a vow and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a manchild, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head. (I Sam 1:11)
For this child I prayed, and said, My heart rejoiceth in the Lord, mine horn is exalted in the Lord: my mouth is enlarged over mine enemies; because I rejoice in thy salvation (I Sam 2:1)
For with God nothing shall be impossible. And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord, be it unto me according to thy word... (Luke 1:37-38)
Less than 3 weeks later, a baby boy was brought to our home.
January 20, 2006
I had a lovely dream last night. I remember nothing except sitting with a little boy on my lap. He was about 4 years old, had a sweatsuit on and had beautiful dark hair. I was hugging him (had my arms around him from behind). He was laughing and I had my head against his--with his pretty hair.
(I had forgotten all about that dream until Daniel was about 3 and one day I was sitting with him and flashed back to that dream, because his hair was the very same as the boy in my dream. So I hunted through my journals until I found that entry.)
Feb 10, 2006
...today I was thinking about all the teens in foster care that no one wants.... I would totally take teenagers.... (I must have been thinking way down the road since I was 23 at the time)
Feb 12, 2006
During this past week I've been pondering a lot of things....and struggling to find a sense of purpose. Through a series of things I suddenly got this "vision" yesterday. I don't mean a vision where I was transported, but just like...well, I can't explain it. I could just "see" it. Backing up a little....I suddenly have become very fascinated with the idea of living close to nature and being more self-sufficient.....I want to grow a garden! I have never been exactly interested in vegetable gardening at all, until now. But going on....I just sort of pictured having a house with a garden. Then taking in foster kids of any age, but especially teens [was I crazy?!?]I had other ideas that went along with this. It seems kind of silly and far out but last night I was so excited to think about it that I was ready to plant my garden today! I can't take a foster kid today but I need to remember that today is today and tomorrow is not yet. I would even consider adoption.
March 9, 2006
Our foster parenting plans have taken quite a few variations and now we've settled on doing respite for therapeutic kids. It wasn't what I wanted but that's okay. Anyway we have a lot of stuff to do before the end of the month.
March 20, 2006
Last night we went to the shelter (DHS shelter) I love going there even though it breaks my heart. I just want to take the kids home. We plan to be certified through Bair at the end of this month. We are finishing up our last requirements.
April 9, 2006
We got certified for foster parenting this past Wednesday. I am so excited! I can't wait until we actually have a child here :)
Up until that time I had been struggling in my Christian walk and was in a time of deep discouragement. It was in April of 2006 that God totally turned my life around and I was revived spiritually. Our home was certified through the Bair Foundation which was a Christian agency that placed children who were considered "therapeutic." That meant they required a higher level of training and care because they frequently had emotional issues and often were on medication (or several medications as we soon found out)
During the rest of 2006 we provided respite care for over a dozen children ranging in age from 2-17. Often it was just for a weekend. Perhaps sometime I'll write more about that, but for now I will say that it was not easy! It was very stretching and I realized how much of God's love one really needs in order to truly love a hurting child or teenager. A brief excerpt from my journal December 2006 reads "Today we get the next two girls. Last weekend was hard. It was intense. Sometimes it was so hard to see past the external behaviors and attitudes and really love the girls. I had compassion and I know they both had a lot of hurts and needs, but the intensity of the situation would at times make me want to shut down and not want to love them. Fostering is really hard."
As the time drew closer for us to have to be re-certified through Bair, they were trying to find a young child to place in our home for longer term. Every child that was going to be placed ended up being placed in a different home. At that time we made the decision to leave Bair and be certified for "regular" foster care directly through DHS.
March 30, 2007
We're picking up our Bair papers next Tuesday so we are officially going with DHS. I'm excited. Last night on the news they were talking about the waiting child program. It just breaks my heart to see that!!!
April 2, 2007
(We had been at a house church meeting the day before) Yesterday _____ taught on "transition." It was good and thought-provoking. Sometimes it would be nice to know what I am transitioning to. I need discernment right now.
And then I followed that entry with several verses....though the verses speak of sons and also Mary's words to God which I have since referenced, at the time I believe I wrote the verses in regards to prayer. At least that is my recollection.
"And Hannah was in bitterness of soul and prayed unto the Lord and wept sore. And she vowed a vow and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a manchild, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head. (I Sam 1:11)
For this child I prayed, and said, My heart rejoiceth in the Lord, mine horn is exalted in the Lord: my mouth is enlarged over mine enemies; because I rejoice in thy salvation (I Sam 2:1)
For with God nothing shall be impossible. And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord, be it unto me according to thy word... (Luke 1:37-38)
Less than 3 weeks later, a baby boy was brought to our home.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
memories
A couple of weeks ago I was out with Daniel doing errands....we had just bought plants to put in our garden and now he was testing all the riding mowers in front of the store (i.e. sitting on them). I happened to glance across the parking lot and my heart nearly stopped. My knees went weak. I was overcome with panic and just froze. They were too far away for me to see their faces, but the basic silhouettes from a distance reminded of me of Daniel's biological parents. After a moment of extreme panic I realized it probably wasn't them and resumed conversing with Daniel about the lawn mowers. Relief.
Why the extreme reaction? It's not that I dislike them. I have no feelings of malice or anger. Instead I think it brought back a flood of memories from 2.5 hard years that probably none of us want to relive. If I saw them, what would I say? What would they say? Would we talk? Would they be angry? There were times that I shared smiles with Daniel's biological mother over something funny Daniel did during our shared hour of visitation. There were times we conversed in the courtroom lobby, in a mixture of English and Spanish, just as I would with any other young woman my age. And then there were those awful times of stress, and tension filled moments inside the courtroom where it felt so adversarial.
In the end it was a jury who made the final decision about parental rights so it was out of my hands. After the verdict was reached and it was the end of the road for her, I felt no joy. I felt absolutely nothing except weariness and numbness. (Can you feel numbness?) After the trial was over and people said congratulations I thought "congratulations for what? This wasn't my personal battle...I hate to see another person suffer...What makes me better than another?" I knew people meant well and I appreciated their support but it was hard to feel joy at another person's expense. Relief maybe. In addition, the final decision was made based on what was best for Daniel's future. It was no longer based on what had brought him into DHS custody initially. No one was labeled as the "bad guy," and I cannot point a finger and say "so and so 'did it'" because I don't know and know one will probably ever know.
In the months leading up to the end of her parental rights, I prayed a lot for her (and him). They were not selfish prayers but prayers for their spiritual well-being. Those prayers had truly transformed my heart and feelings towards them, so that my emotions were no longer conflicted but I truly wanted God's best for them. Now 1.5 years later I admit I am not so faithful to pray for them. But my "glimpse" of them the other day reminded me that they are still out there and even if I never see them again they will, in a sense, always be a part of my life. So maybe it's a reminder to pray again.
Why the extreme reaction? It's not that I dislike them. I have no feelings of malice or anger. Instead I think it brought back a flood of memories from 2.5 hard years that probably none of us want to relive. If I saw them, what would I say? What would they say? Would we talk? Would they be angry? There were times that I shared smiles with Daniel's biological mother over something funny Daniel did during our shared hour of visitation. There were times we conversed in the courtroom lobby, in a mixture of English and Spanish, just as I would with any other young woman my age. And then there were those awful times of stress, and tension filled moments inside the courtroom where it felt so adversarial.
In the end it was a jury who made the final decision about parental rights so it was out of my hands. After the verdict was reached and it was the end of the road for her, I felt no joy. I felt absolutely nothing except weariness and numbness. (Can you feel numbness?) After the trial was over and people said congratulations I thought "congratulations for what? This wasn't my personal battle...I hate to see another person suffer...What makes me better than another?" I knew people meant well and I appreciated their support but it was hard to feel joy at another person's expense. Relief maybe. In addition, the final decision was made based on what was best for Daniel's future. It was no longer based on what had brought him into DHS custody initially. No one was labeled as the "bad guy," and I cannot point a finger and say "so and so 'did it'" because I don't know and know one will probably ever know.
In the months leading up to the end of her parental rights, I prayed a lot for her (and him). They were not selfish prayers but prayers for their spiritual well-being. Those prayers had truly transformed my heart and feelings towards them, so that my emotions were no longer conflicted but I truly wanted God's best for them. Now 1.5 years later I admit I am not so faithful to pray for them. But my "glimpse" of them the other day reminded me that they are still out there and even if I never see them again they will, in a sense, always be a part of my life. So maybe it's a reminder to pray again.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Some days I feel very alone, kinda scared, and a bit overwhelmed by an unknown future.
And then I remember Jesus' words "I am with you always even until the end of the age..." and I tell myself that everything is going to be okay because Jesus is with me. Everyday. Every moment. In every uncertainty I feel and in every decision I have to make.
Most of the time I don't want anyone to know I feel that way....I'd rather be oh, capable and strong. I have a hard time asking for help, and often try to do so much by myself that I can wear myself out! (maybe not unlike a child?) Sometimes even to rely on God is a major battle, though I believe that he wants me to accept my limitations, learn that it's okay to be weak at times, and then trust Him.
There are days that I wish that I could just see the future just so I would know that it's all going to be okay.
"I am with you..." He is with me now, at this very moment and that is all that matters.
And then I remember Jesus' words "I am with you always even until the end of the age..." and I tell myself that everything is going to be okay because Jesus is with me. Everyday. Every moment. In every uncertainty I feel and in every decision I have to make.
Most of the time I don't want anyone to know I feel that way....I'd rather be oh, capable and strong. I have a hard time asking for help, and often try to do so much by myself that I can wear myself out! (maybe not unlike a child?) Sometimes even to rely on God is a major battle, though I believe that he wants me to accept my limitations, learn that it's okay to be weak at times, and then trust Him.
There are days that I wish that I could just see the future just so I would know that it's all going to be okay.
"I am with you..." He is with me now, at this very moment and that is all that matters.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
If I could do it over again....
For some reason recently I had this memory just come out of nowhere.
A few years ago I was in line at the grocery story behind an elderly man. I was waiting as the cashier rang up all of his groceries. When she finished and gave the total price he handed her his Access card (welfare.) She swiped the card and informed him that the balance on the card would not cover all of his groceries.
He didn't have a lot in his basket as it was. It wasn't overflowing with abundant food, but it must have been towards the end of the month when the card balance was depleted. Thus he began the task of eliminating some of his purchases.
As I was waiting and watching I thought to myself, "I could offer to pay the difference...." This was my chance to be a blessing. It was really only the difference of a few dollars and I had those few dollars in my wallet.
Then I began to reason and I stopped. And this is where I have regrets.
I decided that since he had a few frivolous purchases in his basket (like ice cream) it was not my responsibility to pay for frivolous purchases. After all he was taking out the "real" food and leaving the ice cream in his basket. Whatever possessed me to reason this way I don't know. Does someone who is poor not deserve some fun treats? Why did I set myself up as the health police?
I know all about not giving handouts to people who are just going to waste it on drugs or alcohol but when I think back on that incident I feel so badly and embarrassed at my attitude.
I don't know why this memory from a few years ago came into my thoughts last week, except that I prayed that I might have another opportunity to bless a stranger. And I hope I am paying attention when God answers that prayer!
A few years ago I was in line at the grocery story behind an elderly man. I was waiting as the cashier rang up all of his groceries. When she finished and gave the total price he handed her his Access card (welfare.) She swiped the card and informed him that the balance on the card would not cover all of his groceries.
He didn't have a lot in his basket as it was. It wasn't overflowing with abundant food, but it must have been towards the end of the month when the card balance was depleted. Thus he began the task of eliminating some of his purchases.
As I was waiting and watching I thought to myself, "I could offer to pay the difference...." This was my chance to be a blessing. It was really only the difference of a few dollars and I had those few dollars in my wallet.
Then I began to reason and I stopped. And this is where I have regrets.
I decided that since he had a few frivolous purchases in his basket (like ice cream) it was not my responsibility to pay for frivolous purchases. After all he was taking out the "real" food and leaving the ice cream in his basket. Whatever possessed me to reason this way I don't know. Does someone who is poor not deserve some fun treats? Why did I set myself up as the health police?
I know all about not giving handouts to people who are just going to waste it on drugs or alcohol but when I think back on that incident I feel so badly and embarrassed at my attitude.
I don't know why this memory from a few years ago came into my thoughts last week, except that I prayed that I might have another opportunity to bless a stranger. And I hope I am paying attention when God answers that prayer!
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