April 19, 2007. The day my life changed forever. It started with a phone call in the morning. The DHS worker had been scheduled to bring our contract to sign in the afternoon. She called to ask if she could bring a baby boy when she brought the contract. He had spent a couple of nights in the hospital because of bone fractures and had spent one night at the shelter. Because of his injuries they wanted to get him into a home right away. So sudden and unexpected. My mom asked if she could call back with an answer. Her big concern was that he might cry a lot if he was in pain and would he cry all night? We prayed and said, well why not?
April 19, 2007. The caseworker walked through the front door that afternoon, contract in one hand baby carrier in the other.
A beautiful baby boy sleeping peacefully with a pacifier. A naive 24 year old who had no idea what was in store. And a "mimi" who wasn't "Mimi" yet because the infant was too young for us to have to worry about titles. All three of us were facing one hard journey. Good thing we didn't know it at the time!
That day all we knew was the baby had injuries; his arm was in a makeshift sling thanks to the shelter staff. We scrambled to gather baby supplies and make sense of all the paperwork and what was happening. He was scheduled to have an MRI and full body scan within the week in order to assess all the injuries.
The goal was reunification with his parents. We could expect to have him for 6 months-1 year. Still we had no idea what that involved and were completely clueless as to how the court and child welfare system functioned. Looking back I realize I was so naive!
April 24, 2007
It has been an absolute delight to have Daniel here...even though it is a lot of work :) He is such a beautiful baby and so much fun! Babies are so neat! I didn't realize how amazing and fun they are.
May 28, 2007
Having Daniel here is bittersweet. I love being with him and taking care of him. It's always in the back of my mind that I am going to give him up someday
DHS asks that foster parents keep "life books" for each child so that they can take it with them when they move to another placement or return to their parents. We took pictures and I began working on a book for him, keeping track of his developmental milestones and other fun things. At various times we gave pages to his biological mother as well as kept pages here. I had planned to write letters to Daniel that I would send with him so that he would have a record of how much I loved him even though I figured that if he moved after a year he wouldn't remember me. This was the first letter I composed:
May 9, 2007
Dear Daniel,
I just put you down for a nap after rocking you to sleep; you looked so peaceful and adorable! Tomorrow it will be three weeks that you have been in our home.
It has been so much fun to watch you grow and change! In the short time that you have been here we have watched you learn to suck your fingers, hold things, start to laugh, and kick your arms and legs.
I love to sit and "talk" with you and see you smile and laugh. I also love to watch you when you start kicking and waving your arms so energetically!
I didn't know it was possible to love a little baby so much. I feel that through your life God is teaching me so much about His love, and that He's also going to continue to teach me about true, agape love. I know that God wants me to learn to love with the kind of love that wants what is best for someone else.
You are so special and so loved. I really believe God has great things for your life and every day I pray that God's purpose for your life will be fulfilled. The first weeks you were here, I prayed for you all those nights that I got up to feed you. I will always have good memories of those nights I fed you and prayed for you and sang to you :)
The next few months were a learning experience for sure. I hope to write more about it soon. But for now, I'm tired!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Before April 19, 2007
Tomorrow, April 19, 2012, marks five years since Daniel was brought to our home. I hope to write more about it tomorrow--if I can find the time--but I recently pulled out old journals to reflect on the months leading up to Daniel's arrival. I plan to share some excerpts from my journal entries here...because at the time I had no idea what was coming!
January 20, 2006
I had a lovely dream last night. I remember nothing except sitting with a little boy on my lap. He was about 4 years old, had a sweatsuit on and had beautiful dark hair. I was hugging him (had my arms around him from behind). He was laughing and I had my head against his--with his pretty hair.
(I had forgotten all about that dream until Daniel was about 3 and one day I was sitting with him and flashed back to that dream, because his hair was the very same as the boy in my dream. So I hunted through my journals until I found that entry.)
Feb 10, 2006
...today I was thinking about all the teens in foster care that no one wants.... I would totally take teenagers.... (I must have been thinking way down the road since I was 23 at the time)
I had other ideas that went along with this. It seems kind of silly and far out but last night I was so excited to think about it that I was ready to plant my garden today! I can't take a foster kid today but I need to remember that today is today and tomorrow is not yet. I would even consider adoption.
March 9, 2006
Our foster parenting plans have taken quite a few variations and now we've settled on doing respite for therapeutic kids. It wasn't what I wanted but that's okay. Anyway we have a lot of stuff to do before the end of the month.
March 20, 2006
Last night we went to the shelter (DHS shelter) I love going there even though it breaks my heart. I just want to take the kids home. We plan to be certified through Bair at the end of this month. We are finishing up our last requirements.
April 9, 2006
We got certified for foster parenting this past Wednesday. I am so excited! I can't wait until we actually have a child here :)
Up until that time I had been struggling in my Christian walk and was in a time of deep discouragement. It was in April of 2006 that God totally turned my life around and I was revived spiritually. Our home was certified through the Bair Foundation which was a Christian agency that placed children who were considered "therapeutic." That meant they required a higher level of training and care because they frequently had emotional issues and often were on medication (or several medications as we soon found out)
During the rest of 2006 we provided respite care for over a dozen children ranging in age from 2-17. Often it was just for a weekend. Perhaps sometime I'll write more about that, but for now I will say that it was not easy! It was very stretching and I realized how much of God's love one really needs in order to truly love a hurting child or teenager. A brief excerpt from my journal December 2006 reads "Today we get the next two girls. Last weekend was hard. It was intense. Sometimes it was so hard to see past the external behaviors and attitudes and really love the girls. I had compassion and I know they both had a lot of hurts and needs, but the intensity of the situation would at times make me want to shut down and not want to love them. Fostering is really hard."
As the time drew closer for us to have to be re-certified through Bair, they were trying to find a young child to place in our home for longer term. Every child that was going to be placed ended up being placed in a different home. At that time we made the decision to leave Bair and be certified for "regular" foster care directly through DHS.
March 30, 2007
We're picking up our Bair papers next Tuesday so we are officially going with DHS. I'm excited. Last night on the news they were talking about the waiting child program. It just breaks my heart to see that!!!
April 2, 2007
(We had been at a house church meeting the day before) Yesterday _____ taught on "transition." It was good and thought-provoking. Sometimes it would be nice to know what I am transitioning to. I need discernment right now.
And then I followed that entry with several verses....though the verses speak of sons and also Mary's words to God which I have since referenced, at the time I believe I wrote the verses in regards to prayer. At least that is my recollection.
"And Hannah was in bitterness of soul and prayed unto the Lord and wept sore. And she vowed a vow and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a manchild, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head. (I Sam 1:11)
For this child I prayed, and said, My heart rejoiceth in the Lord, mine horn is exalted in the Lord: my mouth is enlarged over mine enemies; because I rejoice in thy salvation (I Sam 2:1)
For with God nothing shall be impossible. And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord, be it unto me according to thy word... (Luke 1:37-38)
Less than 3 weeks later, a baby boy was brought to our home.
January 20, 2006
I had a lovely dream last night. I remember nothing except sitting with a little boy on my lap. He was about 4 years old, had a sweatsuit on and had beautiful dark hair. I was hugging him (had my arms around him from behind). He was laughing and I had my head against his--with his pretty hair.
(I had forgotten all about that dream until Daniel was about 3 and one day I was sitting with him and flashed back to that dream, because his hair was the very same as the boy in my dream. So I hunted through my journals until I found that entry.)
Feb 10, 2006
...today I was thinking about all the teens in foster care that no one wants.... I would totally take teenagers.... (I must have been thinking way down the road since I was 23 at the time)
Feb 12, 2006
During this past week I've been pondering a lot of things....and struggling to find a sense of purpose. Through a series of things I suddenly got this "vision" yesterday. I don't mean a vision where I was transported, but just like...well, I can't explain it. I could just "see" it. Backing up a little....I suddenly have become very fascinated with the idea of living close to nature and being more self-sufficient.....I want to grow a garden! I have never been exactly interested in vegetable gardening at all, until now. But going on....I just sort of pictured having a house with a garden. Then taking in foster kids of any age, but especially teens [was I crazy?!?]I had other ideas that went along with this. It seems kind of silly and far out but last night I was so excited to think about it that I was ready to plant my garden today! I can't take a foster kid today but I need to remember that today is today and tomorrow is not yet. I would even consider adoption.
March 9, 2006
Our foster parenting plans have taken quite a few variations and now we've settled on doing respite for therapeutic kids. It wasn't what I wanted but that's okay. Anyway we have a lot of stuff to do before the end of the month.
March 20, 2006
Last night we went to the shelter (DHS shelter) I love going there even though it breaks my heart. I just want to take the kids home. We plan to be certified through Bair at the end of this month. We are finishing up our last requirements.
April 9, 2006
We got certified for foster parenting this past Wednesday. I am so excited! I can't wait until we actually have a child here :)
Up until that time I had been struggling in my Christian walk and was in a time of deep discouragement. It was in April of 2006 that God totally turned my life around and I was revived spiritually. Our home was certified through the Bair Foundation which was a Christian agency that placed children who were considered "therapeutic." That meant they required a higher level of training and care because they frequently had emotional issues and often were on medication (or several medications as we soon found out)
During the rest of 2006 we provided respite care for over a dozen children ranging in age from 2-17. Often it was just for a weekend. Perhaps sometime I'll write more about that, but for now I will say that it was not easy! It was very stretching and I realized how much of God's love one really needs in order to truly love a hurting child or teenager. A brief excerpt from my journal December 2006 reads "Today we get the next two girls. Last weekend was hard. It was intense. Sometimes it was so hard to see past the external behaviors and attitudes and really love the girls. I had compassion and I know they both had a lot of hurts and needs, but the intensity of the situation would at times make me want to shut down and not want to love them. Fostering is really hard."
As the time drew closer for us to have to be re-certified through Bair, they were trying to find a young child to place in our home for longer term. Every child that was going to be placed ended up being placed in a different home. At that time we made the decision to leave Bair and be certified for "regular" foster care directly through DHS.
March 30, 2007
We're picking up our Bair papers next Tuesday so we are officially going with DHS. I'm excited. Last night on the news they were talking about the waiting child program. It just breaks my heart to see that!!!
April 2, 2007
(We had been at a house church meeting the day before) Yesterday _____ taught on "transition." It was good and thought-provoking. Sometimes it would be nice to know what I am transitioning to. I need discernment right now.
And then I followed that entry with several verses....though the verses speak of sons and also Mary's words to God which I have since referenced, at the time I believe I wrote the verses in regards to prayer. At least that is my recollection.
"And Hannah was in bitterness of soul and prayed unto the Lord and wept sore. And she vowed a vow and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a manchild, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head. (I Sam 1:11)
For this child I prayed, and said, My heart rejoiceth in the Lord, mine horn is exalted in the Lord: my mouth is enlarged over mine enemies; because I rejoice in thy salvation (I Sam 2:1)
For with God nothing shall be impossible. And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord, be it unto me according to thy word... (Luke 1:37-38)
Less than 3 weeks later, a baby boy was brought to our home.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
memories
A couple of weeks ago I was out with Daniel doing errands....we had just bought plants to put in our garden and now he was testing all the riding mowers in front of the store (i.e. sitting on them). I happened to glance across the parking lot and my heart nearly stopped. My knees went weak. I was overcome with panic and just froze. They were too far away for me to see their faces, but the basic silhouettes from a distance reminded of me of Daniel's biological parents. After a moment of extreme panic I realized it probably wasn't them and resumed conversing with Daniel about the lawn mowers. Relief.
Why the extreme reaction? It's not that I dislike them. I have no feelings of malice or anger. Instead I think it brought back a flood of memories from 2.5 hard years that probably none of us want to relive. If I saw them, what would I say? What would they say? Would we talk? Would they be angry? There were times that I shared smiles with Daniel's biological mother over something funny Daniel did during our shared hour of visitation. There were times we conversed in the courtroom lobby, in a mixture of English and Spanish, just as I would with any other young woman my age. And then there were those awful times of stress, and tension filled moments inside the courtroom where it felt so adversarial.
In the end it was a jury who made the final decision about parental rights so it was out of my hands. After the verdict was reached and it was the end of the road for her, I felt no joy. I felt absolutely nothing except weariness and numbness. (Can you feel numbness?) After the trial was over and people said congratulations I thought "congratulations for what? This wasn't my personal battle...I hate to see another person suffer...What makes me better than another?" I knew people meant well and I appreciated their support but it was hard to feel joy at another person's expense. Relief maybe. In addition, the final decision was made based on what was best for Daniel's future. It was no longer based on what had brought him into DHS custody initially. No one was labeled as the "bad guy," and I cannot point a finger and say "so and so 'did it'" because I don't know and know one will probably ever know.
In the months leading up to the end of her parental rights, I prayed a lot for her (and him). They were not selfish prayers but prayers for their spiritual well-being. Those prayers had truly transformed my heart and feelings towards them, so that my emotions were no longer conflicted but I truly wanted God's best for them. Now 1.5 years later I admit I am not so faithful to pray for them. But my "glimpse" of them the other day reminded me that they are still out there and even if I never see them again they will, in a sense, always be a part of my life. So maybe it's a reminder to pray again.
Why the extreme reaction? It's not that I dislike them. I have no feelings of malice or anger. Instead I think it brought back a flood of memories from 2.5 hard years that probably none of us want to relive. If I saw them, what would I say? What would they say? Would we talk? Would they be angry? There were times that I shared smiles with Daniel's biological mother over something funny Daniel did during our shared hour of visitation. There were times we conversed in the courtroom lobby, in a mixture of English and Spanish, just as I would with any other young woman my age. And then there were those awful times of stress, and tension filled moments inside the courtroom where it felt so adversarial.
In the end it was a jury who made the final decision about parental rights so it was out of my hands. After the verdict was reached and it was the end of the road for her, I felt no joy. I felt absolutely nothing except weariness and numbness. (Can you feel numbness?) After the trial was over and people said congratulations I thought "congratulations for what? This wasn't my personal battle...I hate to see another person suffer...What makes me better than another?" I knew people meant well and I appreciated their support but it was hard to feel joy at another person's expense. Relief maybe. In addition, the final decision was made based on what was best for Daniel's future. It was no longer based on what had brought him into DHS custody initially. No one was labeled as the "bad guy," and I cannot point a finger and say "so and so 'did it'" because I don't know and know one will probably ever know.
In the months leading up to the end of her parental rights, I prayed a lot for her (and him). They were not selfish prayers but prayers for their spiritual well-being. Those prayers had truly transformed my heart and feelings towards them, so that my emotions were no longer conflicted but I truly wanted God's best for them. Now 1.5 years later I admit I am not so faithful to pray for them. But my "glimpse" of them the other day reminded me that they are still out there and even if I never see them again they will, in a sense, always be a part of my life. So maybe it's a reminder to pray again.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Some days I feel very alone, kinda scared, and a bit overwhelmed by an unknown future.
And then I remember Jesus' words "I am with you always even until the end of the age..." and I tell myself that everything is going to be okay because Jesus is with me. Everyday. Every moment. In every uncertainty I feel and in every decision I have to make.
Most of the time I don't want anyone to know I feel that way....I'd rather be oh, capable and strong. I have a hard time asking for help, and often try to do so much by myself that I can wear myself out! (maybe not unlike a child?) Sometimes even to rely on God is a major battle, though I believe that he wants me to accept my limitations, learn that it's okay to be weak at times, and then trust Him.
There are days that I wish that I could just see the future just so I would know that it's all going to be okay.
"I am with you..." He is with me now, at this very moment and that is all that matters.
And then I remember Jesus' words "I am with you always even until the end of the age..." and I tell myself that everything is going to be okay because Jesus is with me. Everyday. Every moment. In every uncertainty I feel and in every decision I have to make.
Most of the time I don't want anyone to know I feel that way....I'd rather be oh, capable and strong. I have a hard time asking for help, and often try to do so much by myself that I can wear myself out! (maybe not unlike a child?) Sometimes even to rely on God is a major battle, though I believe that he wants me to accept my limitations, learn that it's okay to be weak at times, and then trust Him.
There are days that I wish that I could just see the future just so I would know that it's all going to be okay.
"I am with you..." He is with me now, at this very moment and that is all that matters.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
If I could do it over again....
For some reason recently I had this memory just come out of nowhere.
A few years ago I was in line at the grocery story behind an elderly man. I was waiting as the cashier rang up all of his groceries. When she finished and gave the total price he handed her his Access card (welfare.) She swiped the card and informed him that the balance on the card would not cover all of his groceries.
He didn't have a lot in his basket as it was. It wasn't overflowing with abundant food, but it must have been towards the end of the month when the card balance was depleted. Thus he began the task of eliminating some of his purchases.
As I was waiting and watching I thought to myself, "I could offer to pay the difference...." This was my chance to be a blessing. It was really only the difference of a few dollars and I had those few dollars in my wallet.
Then I began to reason and I stopped. And this is where I have regrets.
I decided that since he had a few frivolous purchases in his basket (like ice cream) it was not my responsibility to pay for frivolous purchases. After all he was taking out the "real" food and leaving the ice cream in his basket. Whatever possessed me to reason this way I don't know. Does someone who is poor not deserve some fun treats? Why did I set myself up as the health police?
I know all about not giving handouts to people who are just going to waste it on drugs or alcohol but when I think back on that incident I feel so badly and embarrassed at my attitude.
I don't know why this memory from a few years ago came into my thoughts last week, except that I prayed that I might have another opportunity to bless a stranger. And I hope I am paying attention when God answers that prayer!
A few years ago I was in line at the grocery story behind an elderly man. I was waiting as the cashier rang up all of his groceries. When she finished and gave the total price he handed her his Access card (welfare.) She swiped the card and informed him that the balance on the card would not cover all of his groceries.
He didn't have a lot in his basket as it was. It wasn't overflowing with abundant food, but it must have been towards the end of the month when the card balance was depleted. Thus he began the task of eliminating some of his purchases.
As I was waiting and watching I thought to myself, "I could offer to pay the difference...." This was my chance to be a blessing. It was really only the difference of a few dollars and I had those few dollars in my wallet.
Then I began to reason and I stopped. And this is where I have regrets.
I decided that since he had a few frivolous purchases in his basket (like ice cream) it was not my responsibility to pay for frivolous purchases. After all he was taking out the "real" food and leaving the ice cream in his basket. Whatever possessed me to reason this way I don't know. Does someone who is poor not deserve some fun treats? Why did I set myself up as the health police?
I know all about not giving handouts to people who are just going to waste it on drugs or alcohol but when I think back on that incident I feel so badly and embarrassed at my attitude.
I don't know why this memory from a few years ago came into my thoughts last week, except that I prayed that I might have another opportunity to bless a stranger. And I hope I am paying attention when God answers that prayer!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
be it unto me...
The aspect of the Christmas story I have been contemplating this year is Mary. My thoughts began a couple of weeks ago when I got into a conversation about adoption with a woman I met, a friend of a friend. She was sharing about her family's pending adoption of a teenage boy. I briefly spoke of my adoption journey with Daniel. I found her response to Daniel's story amusing because it was something like, "wow! That is so neat! It just makes me think of Mary!" That was a laughable thought.
She went on to explain that just hearing what I told her of the last few years made her think of how perhaps Mary had completely different plans for her life, which did not include becoming pregnant with the Son of God. Yet Mary yielded to God's will and said, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be unto me according to your word.” (Luke 1:38)
Often when I talk about adoption people ask me if I have always had an interest in adoption. The short answer is no. While I wasn't opposed to it being a possibility in my life, I wasn't passionate about someday adopting. I had never given it much thought prior to when I started the fostering training, and if I ever did consider adopting, I pictured it being way down the road after getting married.
When I was a senior in high school I used to fill out those time wasting surveys that would go around on email and one of the questions was usually something along the lines of "where do you see yourself in ten years?" I assure you when I pictured myself at 27, my picture did not include being in a difficult fostering situation trying to make decisions about adoption as a single person.
So I think about Mary--and I am in no way attempting to compare myself to Mary! But for some reason this year I have thought more about what she might have experienced both when she was carrying Jesus and through the years as he was growing up. Of course this is all speculation because the Bible doesn't give details on these matters. I imagine though that some people may have thought she was a little odd. There were probably those that didn't believe her story. She was likely misjudged, and I wonder if perhaps it continued throughout her life, especially if people thought her son--Jesus--was kind of strange by claiming to be the son of God.
I thought about how she was so young , betrothed to Joseph, probably looking forward to a happy future... and then the angel appeared and disrupted all those plans. And yet she set aside her will and her plans for God's plan. Could I have done what Mary did? I don't know. But I do know that I, like all Christians, am called to lay aside my will and plans for God's will throughout life.
I ventured into an unknown future when I said yes to Daniel. If I could go back to four years ago, I would make the same decisions even though it has meant sacrifice and some days of feeling overwhelmed.
Probably the biggest struggle for me is finding where I "fit" and knowing exactly how to integrate all the aspects of my life. I also find it a bit awkward when I meet new people--which has happened a lot since attending a new, large church....I get asked questions like "where does your husband work?" since people assume that having a child equals marriage. I obviously can't go through the whole last 4+ years in order to update people on my life story, nor do I want to say "well I'm a single person that adopted" when Daniel is standing right there. He knows he is adopted and he's got an amazing life story, but I don't want it to be his "label." Sometimes I wish I could just go around with a sign on my back saying "hello, I am an adoptive mother who went into fostering because I love children and wanted to help children in the foster system. Yes I am a single mother and Daniel is my only child. So we are a bit unconventional but variety is the spice of life. Thank you for your prayers and support." Then maybe I could avoid some discomfort on my part =)
So I said yes to God and even though Daniel can be a bundle of energy (sometimes naughty energy that wears me out!) I really have fun and I am crazy about him. My life is full and blessed and I feel especially grateful when I look at his peaceful sleeping face at night.
I hope that I can remember in each of the coming days to, like Mary, say yes to whatever God has planned even if it's a different path than what I thought.
She went on to explain that just hearing what I told her of the last few years made her think of how perhaps Mary had completely different plans for her life, which did not include becoming pregnant with the Son of God. Yet Mary yielded to God's will and said, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be unto me according to your word.” (Luke 1:38)
Often when I talk about adoption people ask me if I have always had an interest in adoption. The short answer is no. While I wasn't opposed to it being a possibility in my life, I wasn't passionate about someday adopting. I had never given it much thought prior to when I started the fostering training, and if I ever did consider adopting, I pictured it being way down the road after getting married.
When I was a senior in high school I used to fill out those time wasting surveys that would go around on email and one of the questions was usually something along the lines of "where do you see yourself in ten years?" I assure you when I pictured myself at 27, my picture did not include being in a difficult fostering situation trying to make decisions about adoption as a single person.
So I think about Mary--and I am in no way attempting to compare myself to Mary! But for some reason this year I have thought more about what she might have experienced both when she was carrying Jesus and through the years as he was growing up. Of course this is all speculation because the Bible doesn't give details on these matters. I imagine though that some people may have thought she was a little odd. There were probably those that didn't believe her story. She was likely misjudged, and I wonder if perhaps it continued throughout her life, especially if people thought her son--Jesus--was kind of strange by claiming to be the son of God.
I thought about how she was so young , betrothed to Joseph, probably looking forward to a happy future... and then the angel appeared and disrupted all those plans. And yet she set aside her will and her plans for God's plan. Could I have done what Mary did? I don't know. But I do know that I, like all Christians, am called to lay aside my will and plans for God's will throughout life.
I ventured into an unknown future when I said yes to Daniel. If I could go back to four years ago, I would make the same decisions even though it has meant sacrifice and some days of feeling overwhelmed.
Probably the biggest struggle for me is finding where I "fit" and knowing exactly how to integrate all the aspects of my life. I also find it a bit awkward when I meet new people--which has happened a lot since attending a new, large church....I get asked questions like "where does your husband work?" since people assume that having a child equals marriage. I obviously can't go through the whole last 4+ years in order to update people on my life story, nor do I want to say "well I'm a single person that adopted" when Daniel is standing right there. He knows he is adopted and he's got an amazing life story, but I don't want it to be his "label." Sometimes I wish I could just go around with a sign on my back saying "hello, I am an adoptive mother who went into fostering because I love children and wanted to help children in the foster system. Yes I am a single mother and Daniel is my only child. So we are a bit unconventional but variety is the spice of life. Thank you for your prayers and support." Then maybe I could avoid some discomfort on my part =)
So I said yes to God and even though Daniel can be a bundle of energy (sometimes naughty energy that wears me out!) I really have fun and I am crazy about him. My life is full and blessed and I feel especially grateful when I look at his peaceful sleeping face at night.
I hope that I can remember in each of the coming days to, like Mary, say yes to whatever God has planned even if it's a different path than what I thought.
Friday, December 16, 2011
a falling tree and a fragile child
One week ago I finally found time to go buy a Christmas tree. I took Daniel with me, and even though his attention span last all of a few minutes, we did come away with a tree that we were both satisfied with! That day we had about enough time to get it put in the stand and placed in the living room; the decorating would have to wait several days.
This past Monday we made salt dough ornaments and also began pulling out Christmas decorations. We placed ornaments on the tree, reminiscing about people who had given us the ornaments, especially my grandma. By the time we went to bed on Monday, the tree looked quite nice...even though there were clumps of ornaments here and there--clumps which Daniel had oh-so-carefully arranged :-)
By Tuesday the salt dough ornaments were ready to paint. Daniel was crazy with excitement! He carefully painted each one and then left them to dry until the afternoon. Shortly before it was time for my afternoon students to come, we threaded string through the ornaments and Daniel went about finding places to hang them on the tree.
I was sitting in the dining room cutting string and saw Daniel standing on the back of the couch in order to reach up higher on the tree. Then I heard a strange sound, saw Daniel's horrified expression, and watched as the tree disappeared from my view...onto the floor. I walked into the living room and saw puddles of water creeping along the floor, an abundance of pine needles covering the furniture and floor, and several ornaments that had flown off the tree! Not a pretty sight. Thankfully it was pretty easy to clean up and only a few ornaments had been broken but they could be easily glued back together.
Meanwhile, Daniel was letting loose with wails and cries of dismay. He was totally upset that the tree was on the floor and even worse his ornaments were sitting in puddles of water. I didn't react but just picked the tree up and told him it was okay and could all be put back together. Daniel however could not be calmed and began blaming himself and calling himself the "D word" (that's one of the banned words in our house--dumb.) I tried to tell him it was an accident and accidents happen but he completely blamed himself and then got angry at me for trying to tell him it was okay. He ran out of the room and my mom commented that he must still feel a lot of deep rejection from his early months. I agreed. Eventually he settled and came back and all was well again.
I don't talk about Daniel's early months very much anymore. In fact I don't think about it much anymore. The stress of the first two years of his life was so intense that I happily left it behind, and for the sake of his privacy I rarely talk about it much with others. For the most part Daniel is a confident, happy, bright, articulate child and most people--unless they witness a full-blown tantrum--probably think of him as pretty normal. And for the most part he is. (I hate to use the word "normal" anyway because what is normal?)
On those difficult days though I have to remind myself that Daniel's first couple of years were not normal. He endured a lot of stress and confusion and unfortunately those stress chemicals affected his brain. Every so often I flash back to one of the many times as a baby that he raged and struggled with intense emotions. I'm no expert in psychology but I studied enough (earned a Bachelor's degree in it), as did my mom, to know that Daniel's very earliest experiences, even from the womb, have affected him. We all endured many sleepless nights when night terrors interrupted everyone's sleep. We held him and comforted him when he raged and couldn't verbalize the emotions that surged inside of him.
So back to the Christmas tree incident....it made me sad to think that he would be so harsh on himself for something so accidental. Even though Daniel is usually confident and appears resilient, I realized yet again that inside he still has a fragile part of him that struggles with insecurity and maybe wondering if he's really "okay." I only recently went into more explanation with him of what "adopted" means. I've read that those who are adopted sometimes experience insecurity and feelings of rejection because of the fact that they are no longer with their birth mother. I see how Daniel so desperately craves approval from those that he admires and I always pray that those desires will never lead him down the wrong path.
Ultimately I pray that Daniel continues to heal as he is surrounded by loving people, but especially as he opens his heart to God's love, for I believe that some of the deepest hurts can only be healed by God. We have come a long way in the last few years so I'm looking to a hopeful future and praying that I can continue to walk with love and grace.
This past Monday we made salt dough ornaments and also began pulling out Christmas decorations. We placed ornaments on the tree, reminiscing about people who had given us the ornaments, especially my grandma. By the time we went to bed on Monday, the tree looked quite nice...even though there were clumps of ornaments here and there--clumps which Daniel had oh-so-carefully arranged :-)
By Tuesday the salt dough ornaments were ready to paint. Daniel was crazy with excitement! He carefully painted each one and then left them to dry until the afternoon. Shortly before it was time for my afternoon students to come, we threaded string through the ornaments and Daniel went about finding places to hang them on the tree.
I was sitting in the dining room cutting string and saw Daniel standing on the back of the couch in order to reach up higher on the tree. Then I heard a strange sound, saw Daniel's horrified expression, and watched as the tree disappeared from my view...onto the floor. I walked into the living room and saw puddles of water creeping along the floor, an abundance of pine needles covering the furniture and floor, and several ornaments that had flown off the tree! Not a pretty sight. Thankfully it was pretty easy to clean up and only a few ornaments had been broken but they could be easily glued back together.
Meanwhile, Daniel was letting loose with wails and cries of dismay. He was totally upset that the tree was on the floor and even worse his ornaments were sitting in puddles of water. I didn't react but just picked the tree up and told him it was okay and could all be put back together. Daniel however could not be calmed and began blaming himself and calling himself the "D word" (that's one of the banned words in our house--dumb.) I tried to tell him it was an accident and accidents happen but he completely blamed himself and then got angry at me for trying to tell him it was okay. He ran out of the room and my mom commented that he must still feel a lot of deep rejection from his early months. I agreed. Eventually he settled and came back and all was well again.
I don't talk about Daniel's early months very much anymore. In fact I don't think about it much anymore. The stress of the first two years of his life was so intense that I happily left it behind, and for the sake of his privacy I rarely talk about it much with others. For the most part Daniel is a confident, happy, bright, articulate child and most people--unless they witness a full-blown tantrum--probably think of him as pretty normal. And for the most part he is. (I hate to use the word "normal" anyway because what is normal?)
On those difficult days though I have to remind myself that Daniel's first couple of years were not normal. He endured a lot of stress and confusion and unfortunately those stress chemicals affected his brain. Every so often I flash back to one of the many times as a baby that he raged and struggled with intense emotions. I'm no expert in psychology but I studied enough (earned a Bachelor's degree in it), as did my mom, to know that Daniel's very earliest experiences, even from the womb, have affected him. We all endured many sleepless nights when night terrors interrupted everyone's sleep. We held him and comforted him when he raged and couldn't verbalize the emotions that surged inside of him.
So back to the Christmas tree incident....it made me sad to think that he would be so harsh on himself for something so accidental. Even though Daniel is usually confident and appears resilient, I realized yet again that inside he still has a fragile part of him that struggles with insecurity and maybe wondering if he's really "okay." I only recently went into more explanation with him of what "adopted" means. I've read that those who are adopted sometimes experience insecurity and feelings of rejection because of the fact that they are no longer with their birth mother. I see how Daniel so desperately craves approval from those that he admires and I always pray that those desires will never lead him down the wrong path.
Ultimately I pray that Daniel continues to heal as he is surrounded by loving people, but especially as he opens his heart to God's love, for I believe that some of the deepest hurts can only be healed by God. We have come a long way in the last few years so I'm looking to a hopeful future and praying that I can continue to walk with love and grace.
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