It's been four months since I've posted anything here. Four long months. Four of the hardest, most chaotic months of my life.

I have been stronger than I ever thought I could be for these last months. I have been optimistic even during some of the hardest days. I live life always looking for the bright spot, believing the there will be good and that God will come through.

But this fostering journey of the last 13.5 months has pushed me nearly to the breaking point repeatedly especially in the last few months. So many times I've said, "I'm done. I cannot do this anymore." And then I look at Miss B and I think I can hang on for one more day.

We have advocated, spoken out, documented, pleaded, begged....I have felt like the widow in the Bible parable who wouldn't let up asking until the unjust judge finally relented just to get her off his back. Only in this case the more we ask, the more the people within the child welfare system retaliate and do the opposite of what we ask. I have never, ever interacted with so many cruel, heartless, and twisted people. Sometimes I feel like they must be insane because no rational person thinks the way they do.

Tonight I looked at my one miracle lying in his bed, and I held little B as she was sleeping and couldn't hold back tears anymore. Some days I feel like I'm hanging by a thread of hope that things will turn out well for her, that she won't be one of the thousands that are crushed by the foster system. I would do anything to protect her and would take her place in a heartbeat if I could. But that love that only wants the best for a child is scorned in child welfare and twisted to be something evil.

But is hope in there. There are a handful of advocates for B who are doing everything they can to ensure the very best, and safest situation for her. We have a hearing in a couple of weeks in which our attorney hopes to bring out truth for the judge to hear.

And in the meanwhile, we document and document and document some more. And we hope and we pray.

Perhaps the biggest battle has been not letting the ugliness of it all crush me. If I keep my eyes on God and His promises and His Word then evil cannot win. But that is a tough battle for me to fight.

Tonight two little ones are safe in their beds and are at peace. So tonight all is well. Trusting that I can put B in God's capable hands and that I will have strength to keep going one day at a time!