Just recently I was reminded of something that happened when I was a young teen. At the time I was an aspiring entertainer/musician. I was very much into music as a fiddler, pianist, and singer and had big ambitions to be on stage, practicing constantly and taking every opportunity I could find to perform.
I was at a small church service with my mom when, at the end, I was called out for prayer. Call it a "prophecy", "word of knowledge" or prayer....but the man who was praying for me said that he believed that God was calling me into "messy" places and that God would use my hands to bring healing. Well I was totally not interested in going into "messy" places and as far as I was concerned my hands were being used to play music and that was what I lived for.
Fast forward 15 years and these days I feel like I am dealing with "messy." God has done so much to change me from the selfish teenager who lived to be on stage and thrived on the attention, to someone who is willing to live for something bigger than myself. God's grace. God placed a passion in my heart for working in the child welfare/foster system. (How do I know it's a passion? because if I get started talking about it I won't shut up. I'm sure there are those who wish I would!)
Some days I think "why me?!" but it's a call I cannot escape and most days I am so grateful for the blessing of loving little lives. There are times though that the burden is so heavy and the messiness is almost more than I want to deal with. It is a broken system, attempting to fix hurting people and often the system fails those that it tries to help.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to love a baby without having to wonder how long it is going to last. Will loving babies always be accompanied fear and uncertainty? Maybe I will not foster in the years to come, but I know my heart will always be there and I will always be involved in some form.
In the midst of a messy situation now, I have found that God has worked a greater work of love and compassion in my heart. I can be so heavy on the side of "justice," unable to see that behind a biological parent who has failed their child, is a person who is also hurting and lost. It doesn't mean that I think that every biological parent should be able to parent when they are unable to provide the stability that their child needs. But it does mean that I think they deserve love and to be respected as a fellow human. My sin may not be the same as their sin, but I have sinned as well.
With my current baby, much to my surprise I have found myself shedding tears on her parents' behalf. I hate the sin the ripped the family apart and continues to bring strife and ugliness. I hate the fact that the baby girl feels so safe and looks at me with such happiness, trust, and peace and everything in me wants to protect her from anything that would shatter her peace. Did her parents fail her? yes. Can they provide a safe and stable home in the future? I don't know. But somehow I feel compassion for the fact that this probably wasn't the life they envisioned for themselves or their children. Yet they suffer the consequences of sin. It's sad.
I don't know what the future holds. Today I am rejoicing that God's hand of protection continues to be on the baby. Today I look at how far Daniel has come and I rejoice that his future is good. Being a single parent of one was hard; mothering two is exhausting. I'm overwhelmed much of the time and never seem to find the end of my to-do list! But in the midst of tiredness, mess, and uncertainty I am finding that the joy of the Lord is truly my strength. It's funny how one can somehow find joy even in the mess.
