It has been a long week. And I feel like I am looking ahead to many long weeks and wondering how I got here. I have no regrets but possibly a little panic. It feels like I have been here before in an impossible situation and constantly battling fearful thoughts and anxiety. I do not feel strong at all. I wish that I could see the future because blind faith is not one of my strengths, and I pretty much hate every exercise in blind faith!

After I adopted Daniel I said I would never, never foster again. Adopt maybe, but never, ever, EVER foster. Then eventually I softened and said ok maybe someday waaayyyy down the road I would consider it. and then somehow last year God completely changed my heart. I don't even know how or when it happened, I just knew I was ready again. Or at least I thought I was!

Little baby girl, Miss B, has been here almost 5 months now, and the familiar anxieties and fears, everything I experienced during Daniel's "case" are coming back...even working with some of the same people! I kind of thought this time around I would get a child with an easy case...is there ever anything easy with DHS? apparently not. And by easy I only mean that either it would go one way or the other, there would be safety and progress or not, reunification looked likely and good, or not. But no, I guess God thought if one messy case was good then two would be even better. ::sigh::

When even the caseworkers say it's going to be long and messy then you know you're not imagining things. When everyone says it's complicated and they can't even fathom a good, workable outcome that everyone feels good about....then what? I'm trying not to freak out.

And I think really? I thought I would adopt Daniel and go back to my happy, predictable life and just go back to "normal"....but here I am. I love the baby and I am committed to see this through but sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and all the mess would just go away. Far, far away. Is this going to be another two years of my life? If they move too fast everyone knows it would put the children's safety in jeopardy. But drag it out and it's a high stress waiting game.

I love my daily life, really....but I also daily need grace, peace, faith, hope, trust....