A few weeks ago I pulled out my poetry journal. I used to write in it frequently; bits and pieces of thoughts, poetry, pieces of songs, and prayers are scattered through the pages. It's been a while since I've looked at it, much less written in it.

This past year has been full of ups and downs, and altogether it has probably been one of the hardest and most intense years of my life. I have had strong faith, weak faith, had days that I felt I had no faith left. I've felt sure of God and His presence and had other days where I've felt so alone. I've believed God's Word with all of my heart, and then a few days later questioned if it was even true. I've felt deep anger and then chose to forgive, and then had to forgive again....and again....

Ever since I saw Miss B for the last time on June 2, it has been a struggle to focus on the good without letting all the ugliness of the case drown out the happy memories. I frequently hold back tears when I talk about her even 6 months later.

Fostering was something that was so close to my heart the past 8 years. From April 2013 until June 2014 I poured my life into Daniel and Miss B. During the 14 months I had Miss B, from a newborn until a toddler, I had very few full nights of sleep; now I look back with fondess on the nights that I held her and soothed her back to sleep. My days were busy taking care of the two kids, in addition to working and everything else that happens in life. My heart was happy and my days were full.

After she abruptly left, it felt like my heart had been ripped out and crushed. During these past summer months we were in court a lot, but after it was over I retreated and stopped talking about any of it. Answering questions about her was tough, and even thinking about her brought back all of the heartache and stress that was involved in those 14 months of fostering her. 

Now I feel like I am picking up the pieces of life again and figuring out what is next...
So I pulled out my poetry notebook and looked back through the pages. The last song I had started was for Miss B, but it was unfinished when she left and I couldn't bring myself to look at it again for several months. Maybe I can start to finish it. Or maybe other songs will come out instead.

But I feel like perhaps it is time to start putting some of the thoughts on paper again. And even though I've tried to shove much of the bad memories aside of the dealings with DHS etc I'm thinking maybe it is time to start writing about it, leaving names out of course. Even after several years of being involved in fostering and seeing alot of sad things, I honestly never knew that such depths of ugliness existed within the child welfare system, and it has left me wondering how much I can be involved again. The need is great, but some of the things we experienced in last year were so crazy they were almost unbelievable. However I keep praying that good will come of it all, and there will be beauty in place of ashes and sorrow.

"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning...." (Ps 30:5b) believing that it will be true.

Thanksgiving

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
.... for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. (Phil 4)

adjective

adjective: content

1.

in a state of peaceful happiness.

"he seemed more content, less bitter"

synonyms:

contented, satisfied, pleased, gratified, fulfilled, happy, cheerful, glad; unworried, untroubled, at ease, at peace, tranquil, serene

Thanksgiving last year we were thanking God for an amazing answer to prayer. This year I am still reeling from the events of this past year, and learning to give thanks and be content when I am not on a mountain top of answered prayer.

One year ago, Miss B was 7.5 months old. She had been seeing her biological father for one hour supervised visits for about 5 months. The had only recently become consistent visits and most of the time she cried for most, if not all, of the hour.  He barely knew her habits and did not ask about her daily life. So we were shocked when the DHS worker told us that the tribe had requested that Miss B and her siblings be sent for a Thanksgiving visit an hour away at his house for 5 nights! The tribal worker was adamant that this plan and the judge was favorable to this request. 

We begged the worker to appeal the decision and said we would drive Miss B to his house the day after Thanksgiving and let him have her for the day. But it was too much for the baby to go from one hour supervised visits to almost a week of unsupervised time.

We were praying, our friends were praying, and the night before Miss B would have left for the visit, the worker called and said that the therapist submitted a letter to the judge explaining that it would not be in the baby's best interest to go on the extended visit. The four siblings went, but Miss B would stay with us. 

I was so relieved. All day on Thanksgiving day I was thanking God for that answered prayer and delighting in every moment with Miss B. 

Things became much harder in the case after that though, and from then on it was like the beginning of the end. 

This year I have so much to be thankful for, but she is still never far from my thoughts and I still tear up when I talk about her. 

This year I am learning to be thankful and trust God in the day to day when prayers are seemingly unanswered. Or at least not answered in the way I thought they would be.

Recently I was part of a study on Philippians 4, and the verses about not being anxious and being content in all circumstances were the basis of a rich discussion. Many thoughts that were shared have stayed with me, especially the ones related to being content when life is just plain hard.... In those times when we think things should be better and they are not, or it seems that God has left a prayer unanswered for no good reason. The times where it seemed that God should have had your back, and instead things turned out badly and you still have to trust Him. 

This past summer was hard, but at least I had a cause to fight for. Going to court 5 different times provided some sense of meaning in the face of what seemed to be unjust. Now that is all over, and in the aftermath I am learning to say to God, You are still good and I will trust. 

Thanksgiving this year will be different. In fact for my family it is going to be an unlike previous Thanksgivings, but I wanted to experience it differently this year.

Next year may be another mountain top year. And if it is, I will thank God. Whether mountain or valley, I hope I am learning in whatever state I am in, to be content, because if Jesus is the center then we have everything.

 

 I sat down to write, saw this post from a couple of months ago that I never finished, so here it is.....



today I have a lot of thoughts that are kind of all over the place. so I'm just going to write. no editing. no real point here. just rambling.

Last night we watched some old videos from my violin performances in college. I was a chubby cheeked 21 year old, caught up in music, playing volleyball with friends, leading a girls' Bible study, and loving God. Those were the happy days, I was so innocent and unaware of how life would take some crazy turns in the coming years. I had some turbulent years between ages 23-24 where I struggled with depression but came out on the other side stronger and shortly after that got interested in fostering. At that time I finally figured out "what I wanted to be when I grew up" and started finishing my bachelor's degree.

Now several years later I've come through one of the hardest years, which culminated in the hardest month ever. A couple of weeks ago I honestly did not know if my faith in God would survive. The hurt, anger, disappointment, exhaustion were overwhelming.

It wasn't just the fact that Miss B left. Of course it rips a foster parent's heart out to have a child removed that you have cared for since bringing them home from the hospital. But that goes with the territory of fostering. But having her removed with no notice, being lied about, treated with hatefulness, misunderstood, and then knowing that she was treated with so little regard, all contributed to feeling abandoned by God.

So these last weeks have been a crisis of faith that I believe is resolving in a stronger faith than before. When hard times come that cause you to question your theology along with everything you thought you believed, it becomes a turning point. Two weeks ago I thought that turning point was the end of my faith as I knew it. I wanted to walk away, throw it all away. But God has kept a hold on me and even though I still have hard days, I'm coming out stronger.

In fact as of this week I know that this story is far from over. I don't know how it will end but I know this is not the end. I am still believing God for big things and the results are going to be greater than just my family or one child.

This past week was the four year anniversary of Daniel's adoption. Truthfully the date slips by me every year because the day itself made legal what seemed to already exist. I had him since infancy, so by the time he was 3.5 yrs old he was already "mine" in my heart!

We have of course prayed that he would grow to love God and choose to follow Jesus. But I have been careful to not pressure him because I didn't want him to make that choice to please me or to fit in at church. I truly wanted it to be his choice from his heart.

I can tell it is something he has been thinking about though. Tonight when we were doing our Bible time before bed, he started asking more questions. We talked, I explained, I read Scripture, he listened, he thought...and he decided that this was the night he wanted to give his life to Christ and follow Jesus. 

In the midst of one of the hardest years, and when our family has endured some difficult things, God has been working in Daniel's heart. I am grateful.

loving from far away

Nothing has stretched me and taught me about sacrificial and love and forgiveness as much as my fostering experience these last 16 months.

Tomorrow she will have been gone for 2 months. I miss my baby girl more than anything. I think about her every day, it seems like 'round the clock. And yet I don't cry much anymore. Not like I did in the first few weeks anyway.

The last few weeks we have gone out of town, tried to prepare for the upcoming school year, attempted to bring some kind of organization to life, and focused on building ourselves back up spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

I have questioned my faith, been disappointed in humanity, struggled to forgive, been disillusioned by those who call themselves Christians and act like the devil, done a lot of reading....and eventually have come through stronger. It's still a process though.

These precious little hands are the hands of a toddler now. 16 months old.  I would give anything to kiss those hands again or hold those little fingers.

Next week is court hearing #4 regarding Little Miss. The whole case has been bizarre and I think it is nearly unprecedented to have a series of hearings still going on after a child has been put in a biological parent's home for "trial reunification."

So I take it that God is asking me to still pray fervently for her, for the situation, and trust that there is a purpose in all of this...even though I'm not exactly sure what that purpose is as the moment.

The good is that I still get to hear how she is doing at these hearings. For her sake I want everything to be ok. What I hear makes my heart hurt for her and her siblings, but I pray, pray, pray that she is being protected even in the middle of a situation that does not sound good to me.

This series of hearings has been brutal. So much accusation, ugliness, twisting of truth, and plain meanness. I am reading a book that talks of forgiveness, and it is a concept I have been working through now for weeks. It was a comfort to realize that forgiveness does not deny that a person was hurt or wronged. Forgiveness says, yeah you did act like a jerk, you did hurt me, but I choose to let go of anger and retaliation. Forgiveness does not mean that we have to be best buddies or that I even have to trust you again, but it does mean that I choose not to hate you for how you've treated me.

And gradually I have found that when I make the choice to forgive those who have been so cruel, or have lied to my face, or who have slandered our family, that God's grace comes in and I can look at them without negative emotions. At the last two hearings I have been able to smile and look into the eyes of those whom I would have labeled "enemies." I have offered peace to those who have hurt me--and some have rejected it. But it's still ok, because at least I have peace now.

It's a process though, and next week in hearing #4 my love and forgiveness just might be tested again. I don't know. I've discovered it is a risk, because it is not pleasant to try to greet someone and have them pretend you don't exist or look away. That hurts.

And loving baby girl from afar is not nearly as "fun" as holding her in my arms, but I guess my love for her didn't end when the DHS worker took her from me on June 2. Now I have to love her through prayer and through showing up to court to speak on her behalf, even though I don't know when I will see her again.

If I would have been told one year ago how it was going to all play out, I would have said, I am not strong enough for that. But even though right after she left, I was so ready to walk away from God, my faith is stronger now than it was before, and He is walking me through all of this.

beautiful in His time

It's always nice when there's a good ending to a story. In the beginning of 2013 our home was reopened to foster. One Tuesday in early January, with just a couple of hours notice, we were brought a toddler boy. He was a sweet little guy. He celebrated Daniel's 6th birthday with us, and we grew to love him.

He was not here for too long before DHS gave us less than an hour's notice that they were moving him to a non-relative kinship placement. It was a surprise, so we had to scramble to gather his things and say goodbye to him, as strangers came to pick him up in our living room.

Within a few months I was shocked to see this story on this news, because this toddler was that little boy:

http://www.kjrh.com/news/local-news/angela-cicone-arrested-after-toddler-son-suffers-repeated-injuries

I wept when I read this story and wondered if there was more we could have done to prevent this from happening. But by this time we had another little one in our home.

Just a few weeks ago my mom contacted the kinship foster mother who had taken this little guy from our home. He had been placed back in their home after this news story came out, and the happy news was that they will be adopting him. She emailed several pictures and we were thrilled to see how much he had grown in 1.5 years, and we were so happy to hear that he is doing well.

It was a comfort to see that God does make things beautiful in His timing. I will always remember the happy days we spent with that little guy. I will never regret loving him (though it hurt to say goodbye.) And I am so glad that life has turned out well for him.

why i will never be a plumber

I've learned to do a few basic home repairs and use some different tools. I've managed to fix a toilet, a leaky bathtub, a leaky sink, and replaced a sensor in my SUV. But I really don't enjoy it! My personality is such that if something needs to be done I'll usually watch a few youtube videos or read some how-to articles online and then give it try (and probably end up in tears before it's all done.)

It's been several years since there's been a leaky faucet in the house, but recently the kitchen sink started a slow drip. and then the slow drip became a faster drip. And the other day I finally decided the drip was getting pretty costly. So I figured it was time to refresh myself on how to fix the faucet.

I read several how-to articles online and got the courage to take the handles apart and pull out the inside thingy. I can't remember the technical names of the plumbing parts to they all become "thingys." Normally I take the parts to a plumbing supply store and they just give me what I need, since I don't know what to look for or ask for. This time though I was in a hurry to get the job done so we went to a close by hardware store instead.

Daniel came along with me to Sutherlands. When we finally found the right aisle, I was facing a whole wall of "thingys" and had no idea how to match the correct one. We pressed the call-for-help button and a store clerk came shortly and after a quick glance, told me that they didn't have the correct part. I would need to go to the plumbing supply store. So much for doing this quickly.

We drove to the plumbing supply store only to find that it was closed, I guess for the holiday weekend. Sigh. So I googled plumbing supply stores on my phone and found that the other one relatively close by had closed 26 minutes earlier!

I hadn't even gotten to fixing the faucet and I was nearly in tears! So we went to the pet store instead to get crickets to feed Allan's new frog. The day was going totally different than what I had planned.

Arriving home, I put the old parts back in until another day when I would start the process all over again and hopefully find the plumbing supply store open! (this time I'll call first)

But...oops. After putting it all back together I somehow put it together backwards so that the hot water handle turns on and off the opposite way. Two days later I haven't mustered up the interest to put it back the right way so it is driving my mom crazy. And that is why I am not a plumber.

Here's a pic from probably the last time we fixed a faucet....