I've started several blog posts recently, had so many thoughts tumbling around but then I sit down and cannot organize them into anything that makes sense!

Just a little over 2 weeks until our next court hearing. Everything in me dreads it. I can't think of too much that I like less than being in court!

Tonight while I have the house to myself I am going through the many audio and video files I have of B in order to see if there is anything we want to use in court. I have procrastinated because it hurts so much. And if we share the recordings of her in distress, will those who want to discredit us twist it? Will they scoff at her cries?

So many nights I was up with her holding her while she cried. We begged people to listen. We invited them to spend the night or just listen to the recordings so they would know what their policies were doing to her. So they would know how fragile and needy she was. But who cared?

Following the surprise removal of B, DHS contacted us a couple of weeks later and asked if we would bring B's "belongings" to DHS--since the worker would not give us time to pack anything for her. I took them to the downtown office last week. I asked for some kind of explanation for the manner of removal and I got no direct answer. It turns out that the answer I was given was not true anyway. The next day I was able to see emails that were exchanged within DHS which gave me the answers to my questions and confirmed that what the worker had told me the day before was false.

After breaking down into tears in the DHS lobby, and begging the worker to tell me why, and getting no real answer, she looked at the bag of Brooklyn's "belongings," including new clothes and a new toy I had bought on the way and said "is this all?" I had prayed during the days leading up to my visit at DHS that God would help me to love and forgive, that He would give me meekness and humility. Heaven knows I've shared my opinion many times already! And it's a good thing I prayed those prayers because when she asked that question with a smirk "is this all?" my natural self would have wanted to rip into her and tell her what I thought of her question and they way they handled B's case. But I didn't. Somehow I had the grace to hold my tongue and trust that if I hold on to love that what is true will prevail.

But it's ok. God knows. And this is not over. I don't know the end of the story and I don't know when I will see B again but the prayers have not been in vain. I am still believing God for something big, something that will shake the child welfare system up because I hear too many stories--another one today--of how it is broken.

In the middle of these hard, hard weeks I still have hope.

fight with love

Another hearing regarding Miss B is in exactly one month. The days are full with Daniel's activities and my efforts to maintain some normalcy and get into a summer schedule.

My heart still hurts constantly, although some days I have no tears and other days I wake up with tears and go to bed with tears. I dreamed about B for the first time last weekend while we were out of town. On the one hand I was delighted to hold her again in my dreams, but it was like saying good-bye all over again when I woke up. Although I never really did get to say good-bye.

I still can't look at her closet or watch videos. Sometimes I can talk about her other times it just makes me cry.

Through the intense stress of the last year and the seeming lack of justice on B's behalf I have struggled immensely with my emotions towards those who have caused so much pain. I believe in justice and there is nothing on earth that brings the fight out in me as much as a baby or child. A baby is so incredibly helpless and depends on others to provide safety, nurture, and love.

Everything in me has wanted to find a way to take revenge, to hate, to refuse forgiveness and to wish all the evil returned back to those who have shown disregard for B.

This past week I read one book about love and now I am currently reading a book by Shane Claiborne titled "Jesus for President." It is rocking my world. I can't try to summarize it here but every page is speaking to me. It is a reminder that we are dealing with the world's system of power; it is man's system and it has become corrupt. It is of this world, not of the kingdom of God and many of the people working in it have become blind to love or compassion.

As I was praying tonight this phrase came to mind: fight with love. I get the fight part...but I've fallen way short on the love part. In fact there are some people that I cannot imagine ever loving. (and the feeling is probably mutual.) I've spend most of my life feeling like I never had enemies, I like most people and if I don't like them I just avoid them. But I haven't been able to avoid people in this situation and I cannot imagine going into another hostile court situation. In fact I can't go into a hostile court situation when my own heart is so unloving.

I'm still sorting through all of this because I still pray for justice for B and I hate what "the system" has done to her. Yet I'm asked to love my enemies and do good. God says vengeance belongs to Him but what about when vengeance doesn't come on my terms on my timetable?

It is humanly impossible for me to have a heart of love in a situation like this. I already know that. So these next weeks I will not only be asking God for miracles in the situation but I'll be asking for miracles in me for His glory.

I have heard that nothing compares to the pain of losing a child. I think it must be true.

This is grief....I am trying to enjoy the moment and make happy memories with Daniel this week, but below the surface the pain is a constant. It is never gone. Everything reminds me of Miss B. Going places without her is really hard.

Several times I have sat down with the intention of writing, but there is so much and so many emotions I don't even know how to express things.

It's been close to 2 weeks since the DHS worker took Miss B in a very cruel manner. 14 months of love ended in a hateful way with the caseworker's show of power. 

Alright people, you won. I never did this for a thank you, but even silence would have been kinder than your sneers, twisting of truth, and the pure hatred in your faces for our family. I will never understand the hate. To you she was just a file, a name on a piece of paper, a number on a docket. To me she was a fragile baby that I took home and cared for round the clock, staying up night after night, loved without holding back knowing that I was risking grief and loss. Only I didn't expect the cruelty that would accompany that loss. 

Not only did those working in the system let it be known that they hate me, and will do everything they can to make sure that I never see Miss B again, even if she is removed from her biological father's home in the future, but people that I thought I could trust have turned into back stabbers. I have seen more ugliness in human nature in the last months than I ever have wanted to see.

I am far from perfect and I have not always handled everything with grace. But to the best of my ability I try to be loyal. So the grief of having B ripped away without warning was exacerbated by the back stabbing in the days following...gossip, shunning, being unfriended and blocked on FB by people whom I had prayed for, encouraged, and would have defended and spoken up for. And for what?? I don't even know what I did wrong. I'd rather have someone tell me to my face what I've done wrong so I can make it right than to just hate, gossip, or cut me off.

Another hearing is ahead this summer, a legality to be able to finish what was started in May. It won't bring B back but it is an opportunity to get everything on record. Do I want to face those people again? No. They've stuck the knife in and twisted it already, I dread giving them another opportunity to do it again. But if it can somehow make a difference for B or for another child I can do it I think.

So today we keep moving forward and when the time is right we can talk and tell the whole story.

Baby girl, I miss you more than words can say. You deserved so much more than what life handed you these last 14 months.

It's been four months since I've posted anything here. Four long months. Four of the hardest, most chaotic months of my life.

I have been stronger than I ever thought I could be for these last months. I have been optimistic even during some of the hardest days. I live life always looking for the bright spot, believing the there will be good and that God will come through.

But this fostering journey of the last 13.5 months has pushed me nearly to the breaking point repeatedly especially in the last few months. So many times I've said, "I'm done. I cannot do this anymore." And then I look at Miss B and I think I can hang on for one more day.

We have advocated, spoken out, documented, pleaded, begged....I have felt like the widow in the Bible parable who wouldn't let up asking until the unjust judge finally relented just to get her off his back. Only in this case the more we ask, the more the people within the child welfare system retaliate and do the opposite of what we ask. I have never, ever interacted with so many cruel, heartless, and twisted people. Sometimes I feel like they must be insane because no rational person thinks the way they do.

Tonight I looked at my one miracle lying in his bed, and I held little B as she was sleeping and couldn't hold back tears anymore. Some days I feel like I'm hanging by a thread of hope that things will turn out well for her, that she won't be one of the thousands that are crushed by the foster system. I would do anything to protect her and would take her place in a heartbeat if I could. But that love that only wants the best for a child is scorned in child welfare and twisted to be something evil.

But is hope in there. There are a handful of advocates for B who are doing everything they can to ensure the very best, and safest situation for her. We have a hearing in a couple of weeks in which our attorney hopes to bring out truth for the judge to hear.

And in the meanwhile, we document and document and document some more. And we hope and we pray.

Perhaps the biggest battle has been not letting the ugliness of it all crush me. If I keep my eyes on God and His promises and His Word then evil cannot win. But that is a tough battle for me to fight.

Tonight two little ones are safe in their beds and are at peace. So tonight all is well. Trusting that I can put B in God's capable hands and that I will have strength to keep going one day at a time!

tired.

I faintly remember what it is like to sleep a full night--or at least something more than 3 consecutive, uninterrupted hours! I thought I was exhausted during Daniel's case; maybe time has softened the memories, but I feel like my current baby's case is 50x harder. Daniel's was emotionally exhausting. Miss B's is emotionally exhausting but it is also physically exhausting.

Every night involves her waking up multiple times. On a good night it will be 2 or 3 times with a bottle and back to sleep. On a bad night it means her crying out every hour. I cannot divulge specifics of the case, but I will say it is not just because she is a poor sleeper or hasn't learned how to sleep. I'm not an advocate of "crying it out" anyway but even if I were, I don't believe that method would help a fragile baby like Miss B. Substance-exposure in utero and the happenings of the last 9.5 months of her short life have, I believe, contributed to the difficulties she faces with sleep and otherwise.

But who in the system cares? She is just one of thousands. She appears to most to be a happy, sociable, healthy baby girl. She is all those things but she also has huge, huge needs. I have wished so many times that the judge, the caseworker, the attorneys, the therapists, SOMEONE would come spend the night and be the one to see get up with her and see her distress. Or to see the dark circles emerge under her eyes when she cannot settle to take decent naps. Maybe then they would understand, care, listen, not look at us like we are crazy or that maybe we are the problem.

Foster parents learn though experience. We have training and have to keep up training hours every year. I studied psychology in college and have continued studying and reading on my own. But I have found the best teacher is experience. Textbook learning cannot compare to knowing a child inside and out and learning to read their cues. But in the child welfare world the foster parent is often silenced. There are some that listen but everything we say must be validated by an expert and sometimes the experts have never lived with a traumatized child. 

The frustration is so great when I just want justice for a child and no one seems to care. Or they put their own slant on things. Or they question what we say.

If I did not believe that God sees all things, knows all things, and was the defender of the weak, a just and merciful God, I would be done and without hope.

But because I know He is, I will choose to have hope. And ask for strength each day!

do not grow weary...

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Gal 6:9

A few weeks ago while sharing in my Sunday School class I said that if you had told me one year ago what I would be experiencing today in terms of fostering a baby with a complicated case I would have said, no way. I am absolutely not strong enough to go through that again. And it's true; I'm not. I feel like every day I have to rely on God's grace! If you had asked me on April 7th if I would like to go to the hospital the next day to pick up a newborn baby girl and then I would be part of a very complicated case, riding the emotional roller coaster, living from court hearing to court hearing, thinking about therapists, caseworkers, attorneys, Cherokee Nation, parent/child visitation, barely getting any sleep, I would have said I can't do that!! 

But if I could rewind these past 8 months and say no thank you to this life I have today would I? No, not at all. I love Miss Baby B, now 8 months old and full of life, and I'm committed now to love, fight, pray. 

I have days though where I am so weary in "doing good." Some days I feel like I sacrifice so much and wonder if it will be worth it in this life. Tonight my mom was reading aloud the verse which speaks of taking up your cross to follow Christ. Miss B is NOT a cross, she is pure joy, but sometimes the circumstances that surround her life feel like a heavy, heavy burden. If this is my cross right now though, I'll be grateful that my cross comes with a beautiful, cuddly baby girl!

I try to be a positive person, and I feel like even in the bad days one can always find something to be grateful for. I really try to live by that and in fostering, even after the worst court hearings, I have looked for the one thing that I can thank God for. There is always something.

But I just had one of those days where things were so overwhelming and life felt so serious that I just wanted to quit. I thought WHY am I cloistering away spending time in prayer and fasting over a child that is not my own and missing out on ____________?? (that blank could be filled with many things.) I am tired, tired of being responsible, of caring, of putting my heart on the line. The rest of the world is having fun doing a million different things and I feel like a nun! I was working myself into a real pity party.

And then I looked into B's sweet face, so full of trust and I thought yes, I can press on one day at a time for this one. God gave me this one to love and there is probably no one else in the world who cares for her as much as we do.  When God brought Daniel in 2007, I gave him my all, and he continues to take a lot of prayer, energy, and love! 

There is a time and season for everything and I guess this season includes juggling life with much prayer and advocating for a helpless baby. And it's all good. 

God's grace is sufficient for each day. Another big court hearing is coming up in one week and if it means continued fasting, nightly prayer, and multiple appointments then this is what God has put in my hands for right now and He'll give the strength to keep pressing on.

When you think of it please pray for us and baby girl as we approach a December 16th court hearing. 15 minutes in a court room can completely turn a life around for better or worse. My trust is in God and He has not failed to come through.

It takes a village....

I had one day this past week where I woke up and thought, why am I fostering? Understand, it has nothing to do with the baby. Everyone in our house loves her, enjoys her and we would do anything for her. As I told someone today though, if I were ever encouraging someone to get involved in fostering I would not hide from them the fact that it is hard and dealing with the child welfare system can be very frustrating!

In recent years there have been more support groups forming for foster families. These groups serve a huge purpose because fellow foster families can lend understanding, knowledge, advice, and when you need to "vent" no one gets it like another foster parent. When I started fostering in 2006 this amount of support from fellow foster families did not exist, and neither did the partnerships between churches and DHS.

However, I feel like there is still room for more support for foster parents. Last weekend I was grateful to have the opportunity to share about fostering and adoption at my church's ladies' retreat. As I was thinking of what I wanted to talk about, I realized that not everyone is called to take in a child, but there are so many ways to still be involved.

I really believe that when it comes to the abused and neglected children in our community, it truly takes a village. A speaker I heard recently said that for every one family that is recruited to take in a child or children, there need to be about five or six families supporting them or they will not last. I truly believe it.

Because of the stress involved in Baby B's "case" I keep thinking that after things are resolved I will take a break from active fostering. But I still want to be involved, and not only would I love to be able to encourage more people to open their homes because the need is great, but I would also love to work on gathering more support for foster families from those who may not be in a position to open their home but still have a heart for that cause. When I shared at the ladies' retreat, I mentioned some of the following ways that people can offer support. We have had people do all of these at various times and it has been such a blessing when people have come alongside to be a part of loving a child!

***Bring a meal--getting a new child--or "placement"--is a pretty big deal. Often there is not a lot of notice and it pretty much turns the house upside down to integrate a new person! With Daniel we got about 5 hours notice before the CW brought him. Then this past year we had about 2 hours notice for Little N, and about 2 hours notice to pick up Baby B from the hospital. Suddenly there is a new person with new needs and sometimes a foster family has to scramble to find clothes and equipment. The first few weeks that Baby B was here I was exhausted. We had just brought a newborn home from the hospital but without the months to prepare. I still had to work (foster parents don't get maternity leave!) and keep up a normal schedule. Things got pretty crazy. But I was SO GRATEFUL for friends who offered to bring over dinner. It was one less thing to think about.

***Offer to babysit--Daniel's case required many, many court hearings. During some of the more intense times we had several in one month; it can get expensive to always be hiring sitters. Several different friends offered to come over and stay with him and it was a blessing to know that he was in good hands. I had other friends who told me that if I ever just needed time out or to do some errands or get a haircut that they would be happy to care for him.

***Ask how things are going--foster parents have to respect confidentiality, but I am still grateful when people ask me how things are. It lets me know they care and gives me opportunity to ask for prayer which leads to the following....

***Ask how you can pray--more than babysitting, food, or baby clothes, prayer is the thing that means the most to me. Foster parents often love the children like their own, and it is vitally important to us that things turn out well for them. I know that happens through prayer, and when people ask how they can pray or they let me know that they prayed for the last court date or meeting I am so grateful. Or when they do pray and then follow up to ask how things went it means alot.

***Be another caring adult in the child's life. Whether it's little ones or teenagers, children in foster care need love. When we did respite for teens I appreciated the adults in our lives who showed kindness to them. One family who invited us to their home one evening with one of our teenage girls, responded with such grace when she stole a cell phone from their house! It turned out to be a time of healing and growth for that young lady. I am grateful for the families who now surround Daniel with love. I am grateful for my single friends who are happy to include him and talk with him. I am grateful for various men who have affirmed him as a boy and shown him "manly" things. People are often surprised that DHS allows single women to foster and adopt. I am not a feminist and I don't pretend that it is ideal for a child to be in a single parent home. It's not. But more and more single women are becoming foster and adoptive parents. As I told someone recently, if we waited for only two parent "ideal" homes, there would be a lot more children in the shelter! And as more single women are fostering or adopting, there is a need for male influence in the lives of boys that may be in a single parent home. My knowledge of tools, football, cars, and other guy things only goes so far and when I look down the road to Daniel's teenage years I already know that in addition to needing God, he is going to continue to need good male role-models and mentors in his life or it's going to be hard for him to make it.

And then there are many other ways that different people have been a blessing, from doing house repairs, to including Daniel in their family's activities, doing yardwork, or writing a sweet note of encouragement. I keep one such note on my dresser in which part of it reads "I love...watching God work through your heart and open hands. Keep persevering!"

These are some specific ways I thought of to support foster/adoptive families. But I also mentioned volunteering at the shelter in my city as well as volunteering as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate)

Of course not everyone is called to be involved in fostering. It is something I am passionate about and I hope that I can inspire those who may share my passion to be involved. Whether it's making a difference in the lives of children in foster care or some other completely different mission, I hope I can encourage others to make a difference in their world.