I faintly remember what it is like to sleep a full night--or at least
something more than 3 consecutive, uninterrupted hours! I thought I was
exhausted during Daniel's case; maybe time has softened the memories,
but I feel like my current baby's case is 50x harder. Daniel's was
emotionally exhausting. Miss B's is emotionally exhausting but it is
also physically exhausting.
Every night involves her waking up multiple times. On a good night it will be 2 or 3 times with a bottle and back to sleep. On a bad night it means her crying out every hour. I cannot divulge specifics of the case, but I will say it is not just because she is a poor sleeper or hasn't learned how to sleep. I'm not an advocate of "crying it out" anyway but even if I were, I don't believe that method would help a fragile baby like Miss B. Substance-exposure in utero and the happenings of the last 9.5 months of her short life have, I believe, contributed to the difficulties she faces with sleep and otherwise.
But who in the system cares? She is just one of thousands. She appears to most to be a happy, sociable, healthy baby girl. She is all those things but she also has huge, huge needs. I have wished so many times that the judge, the caseworker, the attorneys, the therapists, SOMEONE would come spend the night and be the one to see get up with her and see her distress. Or to see the dark circles emerge under her eyes when she cannot settle to take decent naps. Maybe then they would understand, care, listen, not look at us like we are crazy or that maybe we are the problem.
Foster parents learn though experience. We have training and have to keep up training hours every year. I studied psychology in college and have continued studying and reading on my own. But I have found the best teacher is experience. Textbook learning cannot compare to knowing a child inside and out and learning to read their cues. But in the child welfare world the foster parent is often silenced. There are some that listen but everything we say must be validated by an expert and sometimes the experts have never lived with a traumatized child.
The frustration is so great when I just want justice for a child and no one seems to care. Or they put their own slant on things. Or they question what we say.
If I did not believe that God sees all things, knows all things, and was the defender of the weak, a just and merciful God, I would be done and without hope.
But because I know He is, I will choose to have hope. And ask for strength each day!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Monday, December 9, 2013
do not grow weary...
And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Gal 6:9
A few weeks ago while sharing in my Sunday School class I said that if you had told me one year ago what I would be experiencing today in terms of fostering a baby with a complicated case I would have said, no way. I am absolutely not strong enough to go through that again. And it's true; I'm not. I feel like every day I have to rely on God's grace! If you had asked me on April 7th if I would like to go to the hospital the next day to pick up a newborn baby girl and then I would be part of a very complicated case, riding the emotional roller coaster, living from court hearing to court hearing, thinking about therapists, caseworkers, attorneys, Cherokee Nation, parent/child visitation, barely getting any sleep, I would have said I can't do that!!
But if I could rewind these past 8 months and say no thank you to this life I have today would I? No, not at all. I love Miss Baby B, now 8 months old and full of life, and I'm committed now to love, fight, pray.
I have days though where I am so weary in "doing good." Some days I feel like I sacrifice so much and wonder if it will be worth it in this life. Tonight my mom was reading aloud the verse which speaks of taking up your cross to follow Christ. Miss B is NOT a cross, she is pure joy, but sometimes the circumstances that surround her life feel like a heavy, heavy burden. If this is my cross right now though, I'll be grateful that my cross comes with a beautiful, cuddly baby girl!
I try to be a positive person, and I feel like even in the bad days one can always find something to be grateful for. I really try to live by that and in fostering, even after the worst court hearings, I have looked for the one thing that I can thank God for. There is always something.
But I just had one of those days where things were so overwhelming and life felt so serious that I just wanted to quit. I thought WHY am I cloistering away spending time in prayer and fasting over a child that is not my own and missing out on ____________?? (that blank could be filled with many things.) I am tired, tired of being responsible, of caring, of putting my heart on the line. The rest of the world is having fun doing a million different things and I feel like a nun! I was working myself into a real pity party.
And then I looked into B's sweet face, so full of trust and I thought yes, I can press on one day at a time for this one. God gave me this one to love and there is probably no one else in the world who cares for her as much as we do. When God brought Daniel in 2007, I gave him my all, and he continues to take a lot of prayer, energy, and love!
There is a time and season for everything and I guess this season includes juggling life with much prayer and advocating for a helpless baby. And it's all good.
God's grace is sufficient for each day. Another big court hearing is coming up in one week and if it means continued fasting, nightly prayer, and multiple appointments then this is what God has put in my hands for right now and He'll give the strength to keep pressing on.
When you think of it please pray for us and baby girl as we approach a December 16th court hearing. 15 minutes in a court room can completely turn a life around for better or worse. My trust is in God and He has not failed to come through.
A few weeks ago while sharing in my Sunday School class I said that if you had told me one year ago what I would be experiencing today in terms of fostering a baby with a complicated case I would have said, no way. I am absolutely not strong enough to go through that again. And it's true; I'm not. I feel like every day I have to rely on God's grace! If you had asked me on April 7th if I would like to go to the hospital the next day to pick up a newborn baby girl and then I would be part of a very complicated case, riding the emotional roller coaster, living from court hearing to court hearing, thinking about therapists, caseworkers, attorneys, Cherokee Nation, parent/child visitation, barely getting any sleep, I would have said I can't do that!!
But if I could rewind these past 8 months and say no thank you to this life I have today would I? No, not at all. I love Miss Baby B, now 8 months old and full of life, and I'm committed now to love, fight, pray.
I have days though where I am so weary in "doing good." Some days I feel like I sacrifice so much and wonder if it will be worth it in this life. Tonight my mom was reading aloud the verse which speaks of taking up your cross to follow Christ. Miss B is NOT a cross, she is pure joy, but sometimes the circumstances that surround her life feel like a heavy, heavy burden. If this is my cross right now though, I'll be grateful that my cross comes with a beautiful, cuddly baby girl!
I try to be a positive person, and I feel like even in the bad days one can always find something to be grateful for. I really try to live by that and in fostering, even after the worst court hearings, I have looked for the one thing that I can thank God for. There is always something.
But I just had one of those days where things were so overwhelming and life felt so serious that I just wanted to quit. I thought WHY am I cloistering away spending time in prayer and fasting over a child that is not my own and missing out on ____________?? (that blank could be filled with many things.) I am tired, tired of being responsible, of caring, of putting my heart on the line. The rest of the world is having fun doing a million different things and I feel like a nun! I was working myself into a real pity party.
And then I looked into B's sweet face, so full of trust and I thought yes, I can press on one day at a time for this one. God gave me this one to love and there is probably no one else in the world who cares for her as much as we do. When God brought Daniel in 2007, I gave him my all, and he continues to take a lot of prayer, energy, and love!
There is a time and season for everything and I guess this season includes juggling life with much prayer and advocating for a helpless baby. And it's all good.
God's grace is sufficient for each day. Another big court hearing is coming up in one week and if it means continued fasting, nightly prayer, and multiple appointments then this is what God has put in my hands for right now and He'll give the strength to keep pressing on.
When you think of it please pray for us and baby girl as we approach a December 16th court hearing. 15 minutes in a court room can completely turn a life around for better or worse. My trust is in God and He has not failed to come through.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
It takes a village....
I had one day this past week where I woke up and thought, why am I fostering?
Understand, it has nothing to do with the baby. Everyone in our house
loves her, enjoys her and we would do anything for her. As I told someone today though, if I were ever encouraging someone to get involved in fostering I would not hide from them the fact that it is hard and dealing with the child welfare system can be very frustrating!
In recent years there have been more support groups forming for foster families. These groups serve a huge purpose because fellow foster families can lend understanding, knowledge, advice, and when you need to "vent" no one gets it like another foster parent. When I started fostering in 2006 this amount of support from fellow foster families did not exist, and neither did the partnerships between churches and DHS.
However, I feel like there is still room for more support for foster parents. Last weekend I was grateful to have the opportunity to share about fostering and adoption at my church's ladies' retreat. As I was thinking of what I wanted to talk about, I realized that not everyone is called to take in a child, but there are so many ways to still be involved.
I really believe that when it comes to the abused and neglected children in our community, it truly takes a village. A speaker I heard recently said that for every one family that is recruited to take in a child or children, there need to be about five or six families supporting them or they will not last. I truly believe it.
Because of the stress involved in Baby B's "case" I keep thinking that after things are resolved I will take a break from active fostering. But I still want to be involved, and not only would I love to be able to encourage more people to open their homes because the need is great, but I would also love to work on gathering more support for foster families from those who may not be in a position to open their home but still have a heart for that cause. When I shared at the ladies' retreat, I mentioned some of the following ways that people can offer support. We have had people do all of these at various times and it has been such a blessing when people have come alongside to be a part of loving a child!
***Bring a meal--getting a new child--or "placement"--is a pretty big deal. Often there is not a lot of notice and it pretty much turns the house upside down to integrate a new person! With Daniel we got about 5 hours notice before the CW brought him. Then this past year we had about 2 hours notice for Little N, and about 2 hours notice to pick up Baby B from the hospital. Suddenly there is a new person with new needs and sometimes a foster family has to scramble to find clothes and equipment. The first few weeks that Baby B was here I was exhausted. We had just brought a newborn home from the hospital but without the months to prepare. I still had to work (foster parents don't get maternity leave!) and keep up a normal schedule. Things got pretty crazy. But I was SO GRATEFUL for friends who offered to bring over dinner. It was one less thing to think about.
***Offer to babysit--Daniel's case required many, many court hearings. During some of the more intense times we had several in one month; it can get expensive to always be hiring sitters. Several different friends offered to come over and stay with him and it was a blessing to know that he was in good hands. I had other friends who told me that if I ever just needed time out or to do some errands or get a haircut that they would be happy to care for him.
***Ask how things are going--foster parents have to respect confidentiality, but I am still grateful when people ask me how things are. It lets me know they care and gives me opportunity to ask for prayer which leads to the following....
***Ask how you can pray--more than babysitting, food, or baby clothes, prayer is the thing that means the most to me. Foster parents often love the children like their own, and it is vitally important to us that things turn out well for them. I know that happens through prayer, and when people ask how they can pray or they let me know that they prayed for the last court date or meeting I am so grateful. Or when they do pray and then follow up to ask how things went it means alot.
***Be another caring adult in the child's life. Whether it's little ones or teenagers, children in foster care need love. When we did respite for teens I appreciated the adults in our lives who showed kindness to them. One family who invited us to their home one evening with one of our teenage girls, responded with such grace when she stole a cell phone from their house! It turned out to be a time of healing and growth for that young lady. I am grateful for the families who now surround Daniel with love. I am grateful for my single friends who are happy to include him and talk with him. I am grateful for various men who have affirmed him as a boy and shown him "manly" things. People are often surprised that DHS allows single women to foster and adopt. I am not a feminist and I don't pretend that it is ideal for a child to be in a single parent home. It's not. But more and more single women are becoming foster and adoptive parents. As I told someone recently, if we waited for only two parent "ideal" homes, there would be a lot more children in the shelter! And as more single women are fostering or adopting, there is a need for male influence in the lives of boys that may be in a single parent home. My knowledge of tools, football, cars, and other guy things only goes so far and when I look down the road to Daniel's teenage years I already know that in addition to needing God, he is going to continue to need good male role-models and mentors in his life or it's going to be hard for him to make it.
And then there are many other ways that different people have been a blessing, from doing house repairs, to including Daniel in their family's activities, doing yardwork, or writing a sweet note of encouragement. I keep one such note on my dresser in which part of it reads "I love...watching God work through your heart and open hands. Keep persevering!"
These are some specific ways I thought of to support foster/adoptive families. But I also mentioned volunteering at the shelter in my city as well as volunteering as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate)
Of course not everyone is called to be involved in fostering. It is something I am passionate about and I hope that I can inspire those who may share my passion to be involved. Whether it's making a difference in the lives of children in foster care or some other completely different mission, I hope I can encourage others to make a difference in their world.
In recent years there have been more support groups forming for foster families. These groups serve a huge purpose because fellow foster families can lend understanding, knowledge, advice, and when you need to "vent" no one gets it like another foster parent. When I started fostering in 2006 this amount of support from fellow foster families did not exist, and neither did the partnerships between churches and DHS.
However, I feel like there is still room for more support for foster parents. Last weekend I was grateful to have the opportunity to share about fostering and adoption at my church's ladies' retreat. As I was thinking of what I wanted to talk about, I realized that not everyone is called to take in a child, but there are so many ways to still be involved.
I really believe that when it comes to the abused and neglected children in our community, it truly takes a village. A speaker I heard recently said that for every one family that is recruited to take in a child or children, there need to be about five or six families supporting them or they will not last. I truly believe it.
Because of the stress involved in Baby B's "case" I keep thinking that after things are resolved I will take a break from active fostering. But I still want to be involved, and not only would I love to be able to encourage more people to open their homes because the need is great, but I would also love to work on gathering more support for foster families from those who may not be in a position to open their home but still have a heart for that cause. When I shared at the ladies' retreat, I mentioned some of the following ways that people can offer support. We have had people do all of these at various times and it has been such a blessing when people have come alongside to be a part of loving a child!
***Bring a meal--getting a new child--or "placement"--is a pretty big deal. Often there is not a lot of notice and it pretty much turns the house upside down to integrate a new person! With Daniel we got about 5 hours notice before the CW brought him. Then this past year we had about 2 hours notice for Little N, and about 2 hours notice to pick up Baby B from the hospital. Suddenly there is a new person with new needs and sometimes a foster family has to scramble to find clothes and equipment. The first few weeks that Baby B was here I was exhausted. We had just brought a newborn home from the hospital but without the months to prepare. I still had to work (foster parents don't get maternity leave!) and keep up a normal schedule. Things got pretty crazy. But I was SO GRATEFUL for friends who offered to bring over dinner. It was one less thing to think about.
***Offer to babysit--Daniel's case required many, many court hearings. During some of the more intense times we had several in one month; it can get expensive to always be hiring sitters. Several different friends offered to come over and stay with him and it was a blessing to know that he was in good hands. I had other friends who told me that if I ever just needed time out or to do some errands or get a haircut that they would be happy to care for him.
***Ask how things are going--foster parents have to respect confidentiality, but I am still grateful when people ask me how things are. It lets me know they care and gives me opportunity to ask for prayer which leads to the following....
***Ask how you can pray--more than babysitting, food, or baby clothes, prayer is the thing that means the most to me. Foster parents often love the children like their own, and it is vitally important to us that things turn out well for them. I know that happens through prayer, and when people ask how they can pray or they let me know that they prayed for the last court date or meeting I am so grateful. Or when they do pray and then follow up to ask how things went it means alot.
***Be another caring adult in the child's life. Whether it's little ones or teenagers, children in foster care need love. When we did respite for teens I appreciated the adults in our lives who showed kindness to them. One family who invited us to their home one evening with one of our teenage girls, responded with such grace when she stole a cell phone from their house! It turned out to be a time of healing and growth for that young lady. I am grateful for the families who now surround Daniel with love. I am grateful for my single friends who are happy to include him and talk with him. I am grateful for various men who have affirmed him as a boy and shown him "manly" things. People are often surprised that DHS allows single women to foster and adopt. I am not a feminist and I don't pretend that it is ideal for a child to be in a single parent home. It's not. But more and more single women are becoming foster and adoptive parents. As I told someone recently, if we waited for only two parent "ideal" homes, there would be a lot more children in the shelter! And as more single women are fostering or adopting, there is a need for male influence in the lives of boys that may be in a single parent home. My knowledge of tools, football, cars, and other guy things only goes so far and when I look down the road to Daniel's teenage years I already know that in addition to needing God, he is going to continue to need good male role-models and mentors in his life or it's going to be hard for him to make it.
And then there are many other ways that different people have been a blessing, from doing house repairs, to including Daniel in their family's activities, doing yardwork, or writing a sweet note of encouragement. I keep one such note on my dresser in which part of it reads "I love...watching God work through your heart and open hands. Keep persevering!"
These are some specific ways I thought of to support foster/adoptive families. But I also mentioned volunteering at the shelter in my city as well as volunteering as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate)
Of course not everyone is called to be involved in fostering. It is something I am passionate about and I hope that I can inspire those who may share my passion to be involved. Whether it's making a difference in the lives of children in foster care or some other completely different mission, I hope I can encourage others to make a difference in their world.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Just recently I was reminded of something that happened when I was a young teen. At the time I was an aspiring entertainer/musician. I was very much into music as a fiddler, pianist, and singer and had big ambitions to be on stage, practicing constantly and taking every opportunity I could find to perform.
I was at a small church service with my mom when, at the end, I was called out for prayer. Call it a "prophecy", "word of knowledge" or prayer....but the man who was praying for me said that he believed that God was calling me into "messy" places and that God would use my hands to bring healing. Well I was totally not interested in going into "messy" places and as far as I was concerned my hands were being used to play music and that was what I lived for.
Fast forward 15 years and these days I feel like I am dealing with "messy." God has done so much to change me from the selfish teenager who lived to be on stage and thrived on the attention, to someone who is willing to live for something bigger than myself. God's grace. God placed a passion in my heart for working in the child welfare/foster system. (How do I know it's a passion? because if I get started talking about it I won't shut up. I'm sure there are those who wish I would!)
Some days I think "why me?!" but it's a call I cannot escape and most days I am so grateful for the blessing of loving little lives. There are times though that the burden is so heavy and the messiness is almost more than I want to deal with. It is a broken system, attempting to fix hurting people and often the system fails those that it tries to help.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to love a baby without having to wonder how long it is going to last. Will loving babies always be accompanied fear and uncertainty? Maybe I will not foster in the years to come, but I know my heart will always be there and I will always be involved in some form.
In the midst of a messy situation now, I have found that God has worked a greater work of love and compassion in my heart. I can be so heavy on the side of "justice," unable to see that behind a biological parent who has failed their child, is a person who is also hurting and lost. It doesn't mean that I think that every biological parent should be able to parent when they are unable to provide the stability that their child needs. But it does mean that I think they deserve love and to be respected as a fellow human. My sin may not be the same as their sin, but I have sinned as well.
With my current baby, much to my surprise I have found myself shedding tears on her parents' behalf. I hate the sin the ripped the family apart and continues to bring strife and ugliness. I hate the fact that the baby girl feels so safe and looks at me with such happiness, trust, and peace and everything in me wants to protect her from anything that would shatter her peace. Did her parents fail her? yes. Can they provide a safe and stable home in the future? I don't know. But somehow I feel compassion for the fact that this probably wasn't the life they envisioned for themselves or their children. Yet they suffer the consequences of sin. It's sad.
I don't know what the future holds. Today I am rejoicing that God's hand of protection continues to be on the baby. Today I look at how far Daniel has come and I rejoice that his future is good. Being a single parent of one was hard; mothering two is exhausting. I'm overwhelmed much of the time and never seem to find the end of my to-do list! But in the midst of tiredness, mess, and uncertainty I am finding that the joy of the Lord is truly my strength. It's funny how one can somehow find joy even in the mess.
I was at a small church service with my mom when, at the end, I was called out for prayer. Call it a "prophecy", "word of knowledge" or prayer....but the man who was praying for me said that he believed that God was calling me into "messy" places and that God would use my hands to bring healing. Well I was totally not interested in going into "messy" places and as far as I was concerned my hands were being used to play music and that was what I lived for.
Fast forward 15 years and these days I feel like I am dealing with "messy." God has done so much to change me from the selfish teenager who lived to be on stage and thrived on the attention, to someone who is willing to live for something bigger than myself. God's grace. God placed a passion in my heart for working in the child welfare/foster system. (How do I know it's a passion? because if I get started talking about it I won't shut up. I'm sure there are those who wish I would!)
Some days I think "why me?!" but it's a call I cannot escape and most days I am so grateful for the blessing of loving little lives. There are times though that the burden is so heavy and the messiness is almost more than I want to deal with. It is a broken system, attempting to fix hurting people and often the system fails those that it tries to help.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to love a baby without having to wonder how long it is going to last. Will loving babies always be accompanied fear and uncertainty? Maybe I will not foster in the years to come, but I know my heart will always be there and I will always be involved in some form.
In the midst of a messy situation now, I have found that God has worked a greater work of love and compassion in my heart. I can be so heavy on the side of "justice," unable to see that behind a biological parent who has failed their child, is a person who is also hurting and lost. It doesn't mean that I think that every biological parent should be able to parent when they are unable to provide the stability that their child needs. But it does mean that I think they deserve love and to be respected as a fellow human. My sin may not be the same as their sin, but I have sinned as well.
With my current baby, much to my surprise I have found myself shedding tears on her parents' behalf. I hate the sin the ripped the family apart and continues to bring strife and ugliness. I hate the fact that the baby girl feels so safe and looks at me with such happiness, trust, and peace and everything in me wants to protect her from anything that would shatter her peace. Did her parents fail her? yes. Can they provide a safe and stable home in the future? I don't know. But somehow I feel compassion for the fact that this probably wasn't the life they envisioned for themselves or their children. Yet they suffer the consequences of sin. It's sad.
I don't know what the future holds. Today I am rejoicing that God's hand of protection continues to be on the baby. Today I look at how far Daniel has come and I rejoice that his future is good. Being a single parent of one was hard; mothering two is exhausting. I'm overwhelmed much of the time and never seem to find the end of my to-do list! But in the midst of tiredness, mess, and uncertainty I am finding that the joy of the Lord is truly my strength. It's funny how one can somehow find joy even in the mess.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
It has been a long week. And I feel like I am looking ahead to many long weeks and wondering how I got here. I have no regrets but possibly a little panic. It feels like I have been here before in an impossible situation and constantly battling fearful thoughts and anxiety. I do not feel strong at all. I wish that I could see the future because blind faith is not one of my strengths, and I pretty much hate every exercise in blind faith!
After I adopted Daniel I said I would never, never foster again. Adopt maybe, but never, ever, EVER foster. Then eventually I softened and said ok maybe someday waaayyyy down the road I would consider it. and then somehow last year God completely changed my heart. I don't even know how or when it happened, I just knew I was ready again. Or at least I thought I was!
Little baby girl, Miss B, has been here almost 5 months now, and the familiar anxieties and fears, everything I experienced during Daniel's "case" are coming back...even working with some of the same people! I kind of thought this time around I would get a child with an easy case...is there ever anything easy with DHS? apparently not. And by easy I only mean that either it would go one way or the other, there would be safety and progress or not, reunification looked likely and good, or not. But no, I guess God thought if one messy case was good then two would be even better. ::sigh::
When even the caseworkers say it's going to be long and messy then you know you're not imagining things. When everyone says it's complicated and they can't even fathom a good, workable outcome that everyone feels good about....then what? I'm trying not to freak out.
And I think really? I thought I would adopt Daniel and go back to my happy, predictable life and just go back to "normal"....but here I am. I love the baby and I am committed to see this through but sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and all the mess would just go away. Far, far away. Is this going to be another two years of my life? If they move too fast everyone knows it would put the children's safety in jeopardy. But drag it out and it's a high stress waiting game.
I love my daily life, really....but I also daily need grace, peace, faith, hope, trust....
After I adopted Daniel I said I would never, never foster again. Adopt maybe, but never, ever, EVER foster. Then eventually I softened and said ok maybe someday waaayyyy down the road I would consider it. and then somehow last year God completely changed my heart. I don't even know how or when it happened, I just knew I was ready again. Or at least I thought I was!
Little baby girl, Miss B, has been here almost 5 months now, and the familiar anxieties and fears, everything I experienced during Daniel's "case" are coming back...even working with some of the same people! I kind of thought this time around I would get a child with an easy case...is there ever anything easy with DHS? apparently not. And by easy I only mean that either it would go one way or the other, there would be safety and progress or not, reunification looked likely and good, or not. But no, I guess God thought if one messy case was good then two would be even better. ::sigh::
When even the caseworkers say it's going to be long and messy then you know you're not imagining things. When everyone says it's complicated and they can't even fathom a good, workable outcome that everyone feels good about....then what? I'm trying not to freak out.
And I think really? I thought I would adopt Daniel and go back to my happy, predictable life and just go back to "normal"....but here I am. I love the baby and I am committed to see this through but sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and all the mess would just go away. Far, far away. Is this going to be another two years of my life? If they move too fast everyone knows it would put the children's safety in jeopardy. But drag it out and it's a high stress waiting game.
I love my daily life, really....but I also daily need grace, peace, faith, hope, trust....
Saturday, July 6, 2013
my history
With Baby B's placement in our home and the fact that she is Native American, I have started paying more attention to ICWA (Indian Child Welfare Act) and my own Native American heritage.
My parents married in Arizona and that is where I was born. My dad was full-blood Hualapai and lived on the reservation. Though he tried to get sober and live as a Christian, he went back to drinking and being abusive and my parents divorced when I was 2.
While thinking about ICWA and the push to keep Native children in Native homes, I started wondering what my life would have been like had my parents stayed married and had I grown up on the reservation. So I started reading online about what is happening in my tribe...and I looked up some of my relatives on Facebook. I have relatives that I have never met (or maybe I did when I was very little but I don't remember) and I have an aunt by marriage and one cousin that I met several years ago on a trip to Arizona. On that trip I also saw the graves of two uncles. At the time my dad was still alive but no one knew exactly where he was. To my knowledge he was on and off the streets. Now his grave joins their graves which are nothing more than plots of dirt that are decorated with items. Most people are too poor to afford fancy burials.
The reservation continues to be oppressed with drugs, alcohol, suicide, poverty, and fractured families. The tribe is small and although they have tried to bring in revenue through tourism, their most recent business venture--the Skywalk which looks out over the Grand Canyon--has become a source of legal problems.
And then I looked up my dad online. I knew that he died in 2010 but I just wanted to see what I could find. His obituary was brief...just a couple of sentences stating that he was born and he died. It seemed so sad to me. What a waste of a life due to addictions. I found his prison record and it didn't look too much different from records of children who end up in DHS custody. Perhaps that is why I have a heart for children in foster care. My dad was in foster care and if things had been slightly different in my life--if my mom wasn't the amazing woman she is--I could have landed in foster care as well.
My family helps with an outreach downtown with poor/homeless and often there are Indian people there. I think about my dad frequently since I know he benefited from downtown "missions"...they usually ask me if I'm "Native" and what tribe.
I looked at his death record online and thought about writing something in the online memorial, but what to say....I wish things could have been different, I wish you could have been a stable father, I'm sorry for how your life turned out...I don't know.
It's so crazy...in a way, it seems that by my own involvement in fostering that I am looking at parts of my past, maybe coming to terms with things, gaining a better understanding of people and life.
I'm grateful for the life I have been given when it could have been so different. There are things I would change if I could but sometimes I think we are handed circumstances in life and it is what shapes us and it is what motivates us to fulfill the purpose God has.
Just my musings for the night.
My parents married in Arizona and that is where I was born. My dad was full-blood Hualapai and lived on the reservation. Though he tried to get sober and live as a Christian, he went back to drinking and being abusive and my parents divorced when I was 2.
While thinking about ICWA and the push to keep Native children in Native homes, I started wondering what my life would have been like had my parents stayed married and had I grown up on the reservation. So I started reading online about what is happening in my tribe...and I looked up some of my relatives on Facebook. I have relatives that I have never met (or maybe I did when I was very little but I don't remember) and I have an aunt by marriage and one cousin that I met several years ago on a trip to Arizona. On that trip I also saw the graves of two uncles. At the time my dad was still alive but no one knew exactly where he was. To my knowledge he was on and off the streets. Now his grave joins their graves which are nothing more than plots of dirt that are decorated with items. Most people are too poor to afford fancy burials.
The reservation continues to be oppressed with drugs, alcohol, suicide, poverty, and fractured families. The tribe is small and although they have tried to bring in revenue through tourism, their most recent business venture--the Skywalk which looks out over the Grand Canyon--has become a source of legal problems.
And then I looked up my dad online. I knew that he died in 2010 but I just wanted to see what I could find. His obituary was brief...just a couple of sentences stating that he was born and he died. It seemed so sad to me. What a waste of a life due to addictions. I found his prison record and it didn't look too much different from records of children who end up in DHS custody. Perhaps that is why I have a heart for children in foster care. My dad was in foster care and if things had been slightly different in my life--if my mom wasn't the amazing woman she is--I could have landed in foster care as well.
My family helps with an outreach downtown with poor/homeless and often there are Indian people there. I think about my dad frequently since I know he benefited from downtown "missions"...they usually ask me if I'm "Native" and what tribe.
I looked at his death record online and thought about writing something in the online memorial, but what to say....I wish things could have been different, I wish you could have been a stable father, I'm sorry for how your life turned out...I don't know.
It's so crazy...in a way, it seems that by my own involvement in fostering that I am looking at parts of my past, maybe coming to terms with things, gaining a better understanding of people and life.
I'm grateful for the life I have been given when it could have been so different. There are things I would change if I could but sometimes I think we are handed circumstances in life and it is what shapes us and it is what motivates us to fulfill the purpose God has.
Just my musings for the night.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
sweet baby girl
My mom took Daniel this afternoon to do errands, so with fewer feet in the house I thought I would take the opportunity to sweep, mop, and vacuum all the floors. I laid 3 month old Baby B on a blanket so she could have some floor time to kick and practice being on her side instead of her back.
I put on a playlist and when the song "Holy" by David Crowder came on, I put my mop down and went over to Baby B to move her arms and legs to the music and sing with her. She is so relational now at 3 months and has a smile that lights up the room. As I sang and played with her she began laughing and her eyes sparkled...and my eyes completely filled with tears and all I could do was pray...
Sweet baby girl, so full of life and looking at me with such trusting eyes....you have no idea the chaos that you were born into. How I wish for your sake that you had been born into a peaceful situation, that you would have had parents who were eagerly anticipating your birth, making a special nursery for you.....that your family could have been there to surround you with love when you were born. Instead you had to be taken away from your biological mother that carried you and nursed you those first few days of life, and you were sent away with strangers.
We love you so much and I wish with all my heart that I could protect you from further pain or confusion. I wish that it was in my power to make the very, very best decisions for your life.
But all I can do right now is love you....and our family can give you security and unconditional love while we wait to see what will happen in your life.
Sweet Baby B, I love you and want the very best for you. And right now I'm happy that you're happy....
So many prayers were poured out on Daniel's behalf. His life is a miracle. And the same God is present in Baby B's life. I can't predict the future and I can't control others' decisions. But today I can love and pray. And believe that God has her future in His hands.
I put on a playlist and when the song "Holy" by David Crowder came on, I put my mop down and went over to Baby B to move her arms and legs to the music and sing with her. She is so relational now at 3 months and has a smile that lights up the room. As I sang and played with her she began laughing and her eyes sparkled...and my eyes completely filled with tears and all I could do was pray...
Sweet baby girl, so full of life and looking at me with such trusting eyes....you have no idea the chaos that you were born into. How I wish for your sake that you had been born into a peaceful situation, that you would have had parents who were eagerly anticipating your birth, making a special nursery for you.....that your family could have been there to surround you with love when you were born. Instead you had to be taken away from your biological mother that carried you and nursed you those first few days of life, and you were sent away with strangers.
We love you so much and I wish with all my heart that I could protect you from further pain or confusion. I wish that it was in my power to make the very, very best decisions for your life.
But all I can do right now is love you....and our family can give you security and unconditional love while we wait to see what will happen in your life.
Sweet Baby B, I love you and want the very best for you. And right now I'm happy that you're happy....
So many prayers were poured out on Daniel's behalf. His life is a miracle. And the same God is present in Baby B's life. I can't predict the future and I can't control others' decisions. But today I can love and pray. And believe that God has her future in His hands.
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