productive waiting

I think I have mentioned before that I'm not a fan of waiting. I can be patient to a point, but when it is in my power to do something, I want to do it. I set goals, I make lists, I go for what I've set my mind to do. And I take great pride in crossing things off my list!

But what about when God says to wait? What about when I COULD be making progress on my goals and He is seeming to say "wait." I don't like it. I want to be moving forward and accomplishing things. Sometimes it seems like the path between my initial idea/dream/goal and seeing it come to pass is SO long and slow.

Yesterday our DHS worker called about placing a child in our home. Because of a chaotic weekend and various issues that came up during the process of thinking about it we ended up saying no to this one. A part of me was so disappointed. I was ready to welcome another one as soon as Little N left, but I have to wait.

I will give credit to my mom for speaking words that prompted my thoughts in this waiting time....
I have dreams for the future that started several years ago. I journaled about it and I could practically see it! And often I wonder "why is it taking so long?" Why do so many days pass by where it seems like I'm not moving forward and it is just the same routine. Why, when I want to make a difference, does it feel like I am in the same place and not making much of a difference?

And the word that I have been reminding myself of today is "foundation." Build on a lousy, faulty foundation and everything will come crumbling down. But build on a firm, solid foundation and what is built will last. And I'm thinking that maybe in these days...months...even years (!) of waiting that there must be some work to do on the foundation. I get an idea and I'm ready to plunge in, rush ahead, make it happen....and then I have to backtrack and redo mistakes that I made.

So what is it that God is building here exactly? I wish I knew. I felt like He gave me vision years ago, and I've seen the beginning of some of it. But I feel that there must be more He needs to do in the foundation of my life. I can ignore it and push ahead when the waiting process seems painfully slow or I can allow Him to do the work He wants to do in me. I can make the most of each day and build a stronger foundation of prayer, the Word, and relationship with Him or I can bypass that in an effort to move things along. I can spend these days with Daniel laying a good foundation for his life, working through the hard things, being faithful to train, nurture, and pray for him, or I can ignore the issues that come up and deal with the consequences later.

God is apparently not into laying hasty foundations (at least in my life--much to my dismay!) So I pray for patience to work with Him and be willing to live life with His timing, trusting that the end result will be far more solid than if I pushed on with my will in my way.

february thoughts

Three weeks after he's been gone, our family still talks about Little N and misses him. Daniel frequently brings up something funny Little N did, or talks about what he liked and didn't like. We pray for him and hope that things go well in his life. And now we're open to DHS placing another one...even though a part of me finds it so frustrating to deal with the child welfare system when decisions are made that are not in the best interest of the child. But we do it for the children and hope for the best.

Yeah working with DHS can be maddening. I have heard horror stories from other foster parents,and I have been disappointed myself with poor decisions that have been made. But I have also met those who truly care and want to make good decisions, and I am grateful for the eventual outcome in Daniel's life.

Recently I was thinking back to one situation in Daniel's case. His case was getting so complicated and difficult that his permanency worker was needing assistance. She requested that a second caseworker be put on the case to help. I remember the day that the two caseworkers came to our house to do a home visit. I was a nervous wreck! This second worker was a tall, large woman with steely gray eyes that looked as if they could drill holes into you and see your innermost thoughts. She was scary. She spoke with authority and had a stern face. The visit went well, even though every time she stared at me I wanted to squirm!

A few weeks later we were at the DHS building for a parent visit. By this point I was thoroughly stressed and it was wearing me down. I don't remember the details of what was happening but I just know that I broke down in tears in the third floor lobby and felt completely helpless and hopeless. This intimidating, scary caseworker took me in her arms, hugged me and said, "I know it's hard. But everything is going to be ok." And I realized that underneath her stern demeanor was a woman who really had a heart. She was doing a job that is not easy, that was stressful, and where she had probably had dealt with a lot of ugly things.

The ugliness that is involved with the child welfare system is simply the result of sin. Flawed humans in a flawed system intervene in messy situations and try to do good. But frequently in an effort to do good there is also pain and harm. I saw over and over again in Daniel's situation where people tried to make good decisions or were obligated to follow standard procedures but someone was hurt in the process. The biological parents of these children bring a child into the world, a child who didn't ask to be born. Often the parent (or parents) have no idea how to parent or they are addicted and have their life in a mess. So the child is born and is neglected or abused. DHS intervenes...sometimes there is a good outcome, sometimes there is not. But the root of the original problem is this sinful, fallen world that we live in. And it makes me sad to see the result of sin and the chaos that it causes in the lives of children.

I love that more Christians are getting involved though. Even though child abuse and neglect is not going to completely go away as long as we are on this earth, I am so happy when God's people do what they can to bring God's love into broken families one child at a time. Sin is ugly, but God's love brings beauty and transformation.

courage

I've had these thoughts going around in my head for at least a week now, and I've debated about whether even to post this...

Recently after church one of the older men pulled me aside and thanked me for being an example of sacrifice and courage, and encouraged me to keep going and keep trusting God. Those words blessed me and helped to give me courage at a time that I was feeling kind of...well....not courageous.

Then in the last few days as I've been talking to different people and they've asked about our most recent foster/DHS experience, again people have said to me things like "you're so brave....I could never do that....it takes a special kind of person....it takes such courage....etc." And while I say thank you, I wonder if I'm really courageous or just crazy!

The truth is that I'm not courageous. And I don't feel brave. People give such compliments--and I very much appreciate words of encouragement--but I don't feel any more courageous or amazing than anyone else I know. In fact I can think of alot of people who I would say are far more strong, amazing, courageous, sacrificial than I am!

There are many days I wake up and don't feel strong enough to face the day. And when I look too far ahead I don't feel courageous. I wonder how I'm going to do it. Like any other parent, I frequently feel like my parenting skills are less than wonderful! And like any other foster/adoptive parent I have struggled through times of trying to understand my child and know how to help him work through hard things.

And then like any single parent I wonder how I'm going to raise a boy for however long I do it alone. How will he learn to work on a car (since his passion is cars/trucks!), or fish (because I am too wimpy to take a fish off a hook), or hunt (maybe he'll lose interest in that one. Or maybe I can just learn to do it too)? How will he learn to use tools (I can use several different tools but I always forget the names and can't very well have him call them "thingys" like I do!) And what about shaving? or learning the "facts of life"? And then along with those thoughts I have all the wonderings about my own decisions for the future in regards to work, finances, and wise planning.

When I think those overwhelming thoughts too long I panic and say "God, please HELP!!" because I feel like I'm out on a limb trusting Him--or at least trying to because there's no one/nothing else to trust!  And when I want to dwell on those worrisome thoughts I have to pull myself back to one day at a time. So, today everything is ok. God gives me the strength I need for today. And He provides what Daniel needs for today.

If other people see courage in me, then it must be God working in me. I can only do what He's called me to do because He gives me the strength....just like He gives strength to every person who is doing His will. In my own strength I feel so weak, and I hope that when people look at my life that they know that I am not amazing or courageous or strong by myself. It's all God. And I'm convinced that sometimes He calls us to do things that are so far out of our comfort zone so that we know that He's carrying us. In our weakness He can be strong. I take comfort in that.

love and loss.

Little N was moved suddenly last night. It was so unexpected and fast. We got the call around 4:30PM in which a kinship worker said he was being moved to a "kinship" home and could we have him at the DHS building at 5:00 to pass him to the new family. My mom said no they could come to our house to get him and that would also give us time to collect and pack up his stuff.

I was too shocked to feel much until I went in the backyard to tell Daniel that someone was coming to get Little N. At that point I teared up. Daniel looked surprised and said "I don't want him to be moved. Let's hide him!"

It was sad to see him go. When the new foster mother picked him up to carry him out I could hardly look at his screaming, crying face and it brought flashbacks to when Daniel did that at parent visits. After he left the house seemed empty and quiet and then my emotions kicked in.

Ok, so I knew fostering would mean good-byes. And I had already determined that I would not get attached to the little guy. It wasn't so much that I was sad that he was gone (even though I was) but when we were told that the kinship placement was not a relative's home nor was it even a close friend it seemed as if policy had been violated and I was upset on Little N's behalf that he was experiencing one more move. I hate the fact that little ones are shuffled and have a series of disrupted attachments.

My hope was that Little N would be able to stay here until his mother was ready to be a responsible parent and that there could be a continuing relationship... the "Bridge Program" that DHS encourages.  Just in the short time he was here, 2.5 weeks, we saw such positive changes in him; he was settling into a routine, starting to babble constantly, looking healthy.

Well, by this morning we found out additional info about the new home that at least gave peace of mind that he would be safe, loved, and well cared for. It didn't make it any easier to have him gone, but I don't have to worry about him.

After he left, I was so upset at the way things were handled I wondered whether it was worth it. It's hard to invest your time and heart only to have it end so abruptly with no time to process or prepare. I thought maybe next time if it is an older, more difficult child, at least maybe I'd be happy to see them go! In spite of my efforts to remain detached I could not stop from loving and caring for Little N. It just happens!

And when I thought it about it this morning, I realized that yes it was worth it. If could go back, knowing that it would end in such a frustrating and sudden way I would do it all over again. For 2.5 weeks we loved Little N as best we could and prayed for him. So we trust that God is still watching out for him.

I was amazed at the changes I saw in Daniel in the last couple of weeks. He ended up loving Little N and figured out that toddlers aren't so bad. He learned to play with him and realized that there was enough love for everyone. He did not have to be jealous or feel threatened. And now he's ready for another one.

And I decided that to love means to risk loss. One could shut themselves off from loving in order to avoid pain but who wants to live in a loveless world. To love anyone in life means that there's a risk of hurt or loss, whether it's parent, child, spouse, friend, foster child...

So I'm grateful for the time we had with Little N. I'm glad we had the chance to love him. It was worth it.

just rambling.

What a busy life it has been! So many times I've wanted to start writing but it's usually night time before I have a chance to pull out my laptop and by then I'm either tired or have other things to do before the day is over.

It's been two weeks since the little guy was brought here....I can't state his name due to confidentiality so I'll just call him Little N. Unlike Daniel's case, we've had very little contact with any caseworker and have no idea right now what his status is. So we just live every day and keep saying things like "well if Little N is still here next week....." because at this point we really don't know. With Daniel, we knew within the first few days the conditions that brought him into DHS custody, the investigator kept in frequent contact and gave us updates, and we knew much more about his biological family. With Little N much of that is a mystery.

Daniel is learning how to relate to him and I think he's even starting to like him :-) The other night they occupied each other for quite a while just running around and around. Daniel has asked if we get to keep him and if we can adopt him. We keep telling him that Little N will be going back to his home, although there's a chance DHS could move him into a kinship placement before that.

I have no desire to adopt a second child right now. Being a single parent--even with my mom's help--is hard enough with one, I just don't think I could do two! Maybe someday. But sometimes when I think about Little N leaving it makes me a little sad. I know our house will be much quieter and I think it will  be hard for Daniel who has said several times that he wants a brother.

If Little N goes back to his mother in a few months I think that ideal would be that a relationship would be built in which Little N could still come and visit and we could be a part of their lives. That seems to be best, especially if he were here for a couple of months, because by then I'm sure the relationship between the boys would be stronger.

I have not met his mother yet. She is younger than me and a part of me feels like it would be awkward. And another part of me just doesn't feel like I have it in me to get involved. With Daniel's situation I went to most of the parent visits, I talked with his parents (mother mostly), I saw all of the court reports and CASA reports, I went to most of the court hearings. This time around I don't want to do any of that! I just want to be a safe home and fill-in mother and let the court/DHS do what they will. Maybe God will want me to build a relationship with Little N's mother. Or maybe my mom can do it and that will be enough.

Every time the phone rings I think it might be DHS and if it is, I have a little anxiety over any changes a phone call might bring. Even though I'm not wanting adoption I still realize that this little child is in our home and like it or not he is in our hearts! We can't go backwards....he is a part of our lives and whatever happens there will be emotions. We love him and pray for a happy, secure future for him.

Tonight I went to tuck them both in and enjoyed listening to their steady, peaceful breathing (and snoring!) Just living one day at a time and seeing what a new day might bring.

fostering memories

The little man had a one hour visit with his mother today. When he left I was in a swirl emotions remembering back to Daniel's case and those visits. I didn't attend the visits when they first started, right after Daniel was taken into DHS custody. My mom took him and sometimes sat with the parents in the visits or just waited in the waiting area. Shortly before Daniel turned one I came to a visit. My mom had told me how they had been but I was not prepared for how emotionally draining it was.

Daniel had consistently reacted negatively to his mother and often spent most of the visit crying. It was no different when I went that first time. I carried him into the lobby and as soon as he saw her he turned away and began whimpering. When the time came for her to take him back to the visiting rooms he began clinging to me and wailing loudly. It was very, very awkward. I was torn between wanting to comfort him and yet respecting the fact that she was his mother and she wanted her time with him. Pulling him away involved prying his fingers loose from my arms and hair, and then she eventually was able to take him back where he continued to cry. I felt badly for her that she spent that hour, which should have been special, trying to calm a screaming child while the caseworker observed.

Visits continued like that for several months until eventually they were moved to a psychologist's office and our family was then involved in the visits to make it more natural for Daniel. After close to a year of visits, Daniel began to cope in the visit. He was not necessarily relaxed or calm, but at least he was no longer screaming. However from the very beginning he would have reactions post-visit. That seems to be a common occurrence according to other foster parents. The post-visit reactions included clinginess, hyper-vigilance, sleeplessness, biting, headbanging, night terrors, fits of anger for no apparent reason. We pretty much knew to prepare ourselves for the difficult days that would follow a visit with his parent(s).

As Daniel began to cope better in the visit, his reactions following the visit started to get more intense and increase in duration. My grandmother observed one of his night terrors (which could happen day or night) and was shocked. My students observed the changes in his behavior as well. It was most apparent when there was a suspension of visits during a period of time before the judge ordered them to begin again. The progress he made during the suspension was completely disrupted and he had extreme regression when the visits resumed.

During this time sleep was a luxury. I can't count the times we were up with Daniel at night or walking up and down the halls with him trying to calm him down. Looking back I don't know how I did it, but it took its toll physically and emotionally. I lost so much weight my clothes were getting big and people thought I had health issues or eating disorders!

Thankfully the little 14 month old we have now did not have the same negative experience in his visit with his mother today. When he came back to our home he seemed pretty normal--compared to how Daniel was. But when bedtime came, the toddler was very wound up. As I was holding him, trying to help him relax and sleep I thought "oh no, here we go again!" I could not imagine doing a repeat of Daniel's situation. I reminded myself that this won't be a repeat. Things are different, this baby seems to have a positive bond with his mother, and chances are good that he will go back to her.

When I look back at the early years with Daniel I am amazed that we all survived. All I can conclude is that God poured out His grace and strength to do His will. If I had known how hard that part would be I might not have said yes! But His grace was sufficient and we all came through.

Our household has finally started to settle into a routine....sort of. It's been crazy to put a 14 month old boy into the mix! Daniel has finally accepted him and admitted that he will miss him when he is gone. God has done a work in Daniel's heart thanks to prayer and I have seen big changes in him with sharing and showing thoughtfulness.

The first couple of days the little man was here I was pretty detached and determined that I would not get my heart too involved with this child. But, I have a big heart and it didn't take long for me to start loving this little man. Yeah I think we will all miss him when he is gone.

So tomorrow is the day we find out whether the court will keep him in custody or whether they will determine that, based on the investigation, he will be returned to his mother. I'm praying God's will. In many ways his case reminds me of Daniel's, but with Daniel's case we knew so much more in the first few days. This time around, we have so little information that I have no opinion on the matter. I just want the Little Man to be safe.

Sometimes I stop and think "am I really involved in fostering again?!? Crazy?!?!" but playing with these two boys totally makes it worth it. I'm tired, but happy.